I wouldnt have had another baby if I knew things would be like this

[FishHighJumping]

I’ve honestly had enough now. I’m not cut out for this, I’m just not.

I’ve got two boys, DS1 has just turned 4 and DS2 is 23 months. DS1 has suspected autism, not diagnosed yet because apparently everything takes about 400 years, but we’ve been told there are definitely developmental concerns. Getting dressed is a battle, leaving the house is a battle, coming back into the house is a battle, food is a battle, bedtime is a battle. There is no normal day here anymore.

He is aggressive aswell. He hits, kicks, throws things, screams, pulls hair, pushes. He regularly pulls his little brothers hair and shoves him over and then I’m the one having to get between them while DS2 is crying and DS1 is screaming because I’ve stopped him. I tell him leave him alone, I say it nicely, I say it not nicely, I move DS2, I move DS1, nothing makes any difference. DS2 has started copying him now aswell. He pushes things and shouts and has started doing this horrible little angry noise that DS1 does. I feel like I’m watching him turn into the same sort of child and I cannot cope with two of them doing it.

They share a room because we only have two bedrooms and bedtime is honestly a joke. DS1 won’t leave DS2 alone. He gets out of bed, goes over to him, pulls his hair or takes his blanket or whatever he can get hold of. Then DS2 starts crying, DS1 gets louder, I go in there, they both get more worked up and suddenly it’s half 10 and nobody is asleep. I dread bedtime. I actually start feeling sick when it gets to about 6 because I know what’s coming.

DS1 was at nursery but he wasn’t coping there at all. He was having problems with the other children and the staff were struggling with his behaviour. He was getting more and more upset and it just wasn’t working so he isn’t going anymore. He’s just here with me all day every day now. No break, no quiet, no chance to think. DP works full time and doesn’t really see what it’s like during the day. He comes home and DS is sometimes sitting eating or watching something and then apparently I’ve made it sound worse than it is. Yes because you’ve been here for twenty minutes and he’s currently eating a biscuit.

Today was awful from the minute we left the house. We went into town because I needed a few bits and thought it might be nice to get out for once. I took the double buggy, but DS1 refused to sit in it. Screaming, getting out, throwing himself backwards every time I tried to put him back in. In the end I let him walk because I couldn’t spend the whole afternoon wrestling a 4 year old into a buggy while DS2 sat there watching.

Then he ran off. He saw something and went and I was trying to get DS2 out of the way of people and by the time I looked up he was gone. I had to leave the bags and run after him. I was furious and terrified at the same time, which is a horrible combination because you’re trying to catch your child while also wanting to scream at them. I can’t take my own children into town for half an hour without it turning into an emergency. What am I supposed to do, stay in the house until they’re teenagers?

Then he wanted food from one of the shops and when I said no he started screaming again. Honestly the only time he seems properly happy is when he’s eating. He can be miserable and shouting for hours and then you give him something and suddenly he’s fine, sitting there like nothing happened while I’m shaking and trying not to cry. I know people will say sensory issues and regulation and all the rest of it, but I’m telling you what it is like to live with. We came home early and the whole afternoon was a complete waste of time.

I cried when we got home. DP asked what was wrong and I said I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want every day to be like this. I don’t want to spend my life dealing with screaming and hitting and trying to stop one child hurting the other. I don’t enjoy taking DS1 anywhere. I don’t enjoy playing with him. I don’t look forward to him waking up. I feel horrible writing that but it’s true. Sometimes I just want him to go away and leave me alone for five minutes, which obviously makes me feel like the worst person alive.

The thing I feel worst about is I wouldn’t have had another baby if I’d known DS1 was going to be like this. I love DS2, obviously I do, but I feel like I’ve brought him into a family where he can’t even have a normal childhood because everything revolves around DS1. He can’t play in his own room without DS1 going over and grabbing him. He can’t sit with a toy without it being taken. I feel like I’ve made a massive mistake having two children when I can barely manage one. I thought it would get easier as DS got older but it hasn’t. If anything it’s got worse and now there’s another child being dragged into it.

DP says I’m being horrible and DS can’t help it, which I KNOW. I’m not stupid. I know he isn’t waking up thinking how can I ruin mums day today but it feels like it and knowing why he does it doesn’t make it less exhausting when you’re the one dealing with it from 7am until bedtime. I’m the one who can’t go to the toilet without something happening. I’m the one who can’t get them both dressed without somebody screaming. I’m the one who has to watch DS2 every second because DS1 might suddenly pull him over. DP gets to go to work and have adults around him and eat his lunch without somebody throwing a cup.

I’ve been looking into autism assessments and support but everything takes forever. You get told to wait, then wait for another appointment, then somebody says they’ll call you and they don’t. People say ask for help but what help exactly? We don’t have family who can just come and take them for the day. I can’t afford private anything. DP says I need to be more patient but I genuinely don’t know where I’m supposed to find more patience from. I’ve used it all. It’s gone.

I feel like a terrible mother saying this but I am done. Today has tipped me over the edge and I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and do the exact same thing again. I feel like I’ve lost myself completely. I’m just the person who stops people hitting each other and cleans up food and says no all day. I don’t even recognise myself anymore. I want one day where nobody is screaming, nobody is pulling anyone’s hair and I can actually enjoy being a mum instead of just surviving it. Is that really too much to ask?

Why is DP working so many hours and you are not working at all?
I would suggest you get a job yourself so you can also get adult conversation and lunch break, and DP cuts back on his hours.
Tbh, a 2 hour daily commute is not sustainable for a parent of young children, he needs to be looking for alternatives.

Also I've got a NT, pretty easy child who is at nursery full-time and I still lose my patience, need breaks from her and would not enjoy looking after her full time. You aren't a bad parent for admitting that you're not enjoying it. You're just in a bad situation

Can you fit a mattress or bed on the floor in your room and have DS2 in with you for now? That way one of you can get him to bed and either you or your husband has 1:1 time getting DS1 to bed and they’ll be separated and better sleep will probably help a lot all round until you can get the assessments and from there develop coping mechanisms for them sharing a room.

I have a 5yo with ASD and a toddler. I get it and I’m so sorry things are so difficult.

The practical things you need to do (as if you weren’t overwhelmed enough) , is to sort out an assessment asap. If you can possibly afford private it is worth it as the wait on nhs is diabolical. You also need to sort an EHCP - Get ChatGPT to walk you through it as it’s a tough going as you need evidence from professionals but a report from a psychiatrist (such as from ASD assessment) is helpful. What exactly was the issue at nursery? Was it hitting others etc? When did he leave? Is there any chance they would write a report on what they noticed his issues were that can be used as part of EHCP ?

You need to learn as much as you possibly can about autism - and perhaps ADHD, PDA profile etc as these things often overlap. I know you don’t have any time or any energy , but the more information you have the better you will be at recognising what his triggers are, what regulates him etc. This will take years , especially as your son changes and develops over time, but you will become an expert in your son and how best to help him.

Find support even if it’s online such as mumsnet, fb groups etc. The only people who will truly get it will be other SEN parents. Never accept judgement or criticism from parents not in the same boat - they are living a completely different parenting experience to you.

I hope you are kind to yourself and know that you’ve done incredibly well to keep the family going. I’m a former hospital doctor and my husband is an ICU doctor - we both say SEN parenting is more difficult and relentless than a day at work with cardiac arrests and resus calls. But our DS has overcome a lot of things with a lot of work on his part and ours . He’s in a mainstream school with a morning 1:1 (though now battling local authority to get a 1;1 in afternoon too) . He’s stopped hitting us as we’ve learnt how to stop things escalating to 100, at least most of the time anyway.

Sending you all the best. Xx

A stair gate on the bedroom door. And little one has a bed in your bedroom for a start. It sounds really tough.
Big one needs to wear reins or be strapped into a pushchair however much he screams. If he's happy eating, have a constant supply of carrot sticks and rice cakes to eat when out and about

Sorry you’re having such a tough time. I think it would help if you did some online courses about understanding autism (try national college online) and then could put some things in place to help you all. For example; visuals of what you’re going to be doing each day in the morning so DS1 knows what to expect. Using timers if it’s the end of play time/tv time. Trying to stick to a safe routine so everyone is calm- esp at bedtime. Using lots of positive praise when DS1 is making good choices.
You also need to find some childcare that can support too. You need a break so you can handle situations better and for your own well being. I hope you get some help as being a Mum is tough, let alone with additional needs x

Also to add to bedtime practical advice: My husband is in with Ds and I share a room with the toddler. Not ideal situation for any marriage but what helps our marriage is our DS being as regulated as possible, everyone getting as much sleep as possible.

Bless you, you don’t sound like a terrible mum at all, but you do sound like a burnt out one. Can you speak to your health visitor, see if you can get any funded hours for both of the boys to attend some kind of childcare. Any groups locally aimed at kids with ALN’s? Again maybe your health visitor can signpost you.
you need time to yourself. I appreciate your husband works long hours but so do you. When do you ever get time ‘off’, away from the house and your boys? You need to make this a priority. Arrange with your husband to have one morning or afternoon off each weekend where you get out of the house and leave them to it. Then do something you enjoy, even if it’s just sitting on a park bench alone enjoying the peace. You need to insist on this time as no one can be expected to manage what you are currently managing.
Additionally have you thought of bringing one of your DS ‘s into your room, even if it’s just a camp bed? Reins can be useful when out and about. But ultimately taking two young children to the shops on your own whilst your husband is at home doesn’t sound like a great idea for anyone, least of all you. Leave your DH with the DC next time.

This does sound bad.

The first thing that comes to mind is they must sleep in desperate rooms. So pick whatever child to be in with you.
Then you must also have time on your own. Sat for you sun for your husband. Something like that
You are burnt out

Can you move?

I really feel for you OP. I don’t have experience with autism but I had a phase of being deeply depressed when I had a 4/5 year old and a toddler and them fighting absolutely everything and kicking off relentlessly. I remember literally waking to screaming every single morning. I felt totally raw with exhaustion and on my nerves from constantly having to intervene and stop one disaster or another.

I used to pack the kids a lunchbox each, go to a drive through and get myself a coffee, and park up and read my kindle or listen to an audio book as they ate. It was a few minutes a day that i absolutely needed. Would this work just for 15 minutes peace?

Do you have a garden? We also took full advantage of that knowing they were enclosed and couldn’t escape, and there was nobody to frown at them screaming and yelling. I spent a small fortune on garden toys, chalks, tricycles etc but it was well worth it. I would sit in a camping chair with a flask.

I know how hard it is but DS1 will be at school soon and while that may bring a different set of challenges, at least you’ll have that time with DS2. Does he start in September?

This sounds so tough for you😢
I would prioritise separate sleeping spaces.
If your eldest cant go to nursery, can you put your youngest in for a few mornings or a couple of days a week so he gets a break from his brother and has some 'me' time?
I think your husband needs to have the kids on a sat or sunday so you have some time to yourself and you can parent together the other day.
Afraid I don't have any experience with autism but this obviously needs pursuing, what will happen when he starts reception in Sept?

Not much advice OP, but hope you get through it and things inprove.

I am a single mum here with a two year old and three year old struggling myself. However you have a partner but sound much like a single mum yourself and it is not right.

Your partner needs to make time for thr children so you get a break.
Maybe some time off work even if is unpaid

Sorry OP, I’ve been there and done this. It’s what ended my marriage. Obviously now my DSons are older but now I’m completely on my own. DS1 is getting more manageable as the days pass but I can’t tell if DS2 should be assessed or if he just mimics the behaviours of DS1. I’m not offering any advice and I’m sorry for that, but I can totally relate to your post. If I had even half of an inkling that life would be like this, I wouldn’t have had another child. My mentality at the time was I was worried for DS1. I knew he wouldn’t make friends and I didn’t want him going through life alone and a sibling would always be there for him. I never imagined they would be battling each other over everything and anything until the end of time.

This is so hard. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
I think daycare for your older child is the most important. You need time for you, but you also need time for and your younger child to enjoy each other. Maybe day care for them both and you can alternate one of the days so you get a day alone with both kids.

I would put younger child in your bedroom. Not ideal but safety and sleep are incredibly important.

Your partner needs to step up. Whether he sees it or not, you’re telling him you’re struggling and that should be enough. He shouldn’t have to ‘see’ the struggle.
he needs to get a new job with a shorter commute or give you a day in the weekend for yourself or something. He needs to step up big time.

best of luck .

Move ds2 into your room to sleep. Your DP needs to do more as you are burnt out. He could take unpaid parental leave for up to 4 weeks.

That really is bad. Please report it. People literally die when they don't do what they should be doing at times, and even if they "only" delayed you getting help for 150 days, that could have pushed someone past their breaking point, so they need to realise how important this is and not do this to anyone else.

Quite honestly an assessment won’t do much, he’ll get support at school when he goes but there’s no home support. I get it, my dd is similar at home and I have a younger DS too. It’s hard. But you’ve got to start adapting your life if you want any sanity. Don’t take them out shopping together by yourself, it’s not worth it. Plan child friendly outing at the weekend instead like soft play or parks, meet friends with kids in controlled places. It may be that DH needs to think about his job, it’s not going to be easy with all this on you. When he starts school he’ll need even more support at home and DH needs to be able to take his turn too.

I completely understand what you’re saying about sometimes struggling to enjoy your child because of the challenges that come with ASD. I’ve often felt exactly the same way with my own son. He’s now 16, and things are much easier, but I still experience burnout and feel overwhelmed at times. It’s hard, and I think it’s important that we can be honest about that without feeling guilty.
In terms of the bedroom situation, I would really encourage you to contact the council and explain why you need a third bedroom. I’d also contact social services and explain exactly what’s happening with DS2. They may be able to provide a supporting letter explaining why having that extra bedroom is so important for his needs.
From what you’ve described, I think he sounds chronically overstimulated. He doesn’t want to go in the pram because he’s a big boy, and I bet he’s heard plenty of times that prams are for babies. He’s also dealing with the noise and stimulation from his brother, without having his own safe space to escape to. When it all becomes too much, he lashes out because he can’t regulate those feelings.
One thing I did with my son was turn his bedroom into a sensory room. I created a little area for different needs. In one corner, I put a punching bag for when he was angry. I would take him over to it and encourage him to hit the bag rather than hurt himself or anyone else. I also had a beanbag where he could lie down, sensory toys and a sensory light that projected onto the ceiling.
It took a few years, but the difference was incredible. Since he was eight, he’s only had three incidents where he’s hurt me or attempted to hurt me.
I’m telling you this because I want you to know that things can get easier. It takes time, patience and finding what works for your child, but creating an environment where he can regulate himself and have somewhere safe to retreat to can make a huge difference.
And please don’t beat yourself up for feeling overwhelmed. You can love your child more than anything in the world and still find some days incredibly difficult. Both things can be true. ❤️

If you’re in the UK- Phone your health visitor and explain you’re at breaking point /burnout. They will be able to suggest local family supports and also hopefully also suggest any alternative nurseries that may consider DS1. Also school nursery ?
I would bring DS2 back into your bedroom -he is not safe in there with DS1.
if DS1 doesn’t want to be in the buggy let him walk but with a wrist strap that’s attached to you so he cannot run off.
Make sure you get some hours to yourself at weekend when your husband isn’t working. Leave the house by yourself and go for a walk/to the gym/for coffee/anything for a wee break.

First thing I would say that even without a diagnosis, you can work on the basis that he is autistic and look into how to parent DS1 taking that as the starting position. There are a lot of good resources online and charities that run workshops and also may well be able to speak to you 1-2-1 to offer support. Routine is probably something to really focus on as it sounds like transitions are particularly difficult. There are resources like visual timetables and now and next boards that can be useful for preparing for transitions and communicating plans.

The second thing I would say is that it sounds like you need a break. Have you looked into a different setting for DS1? Perhaps a childminder would suit him better than a nursery or pre-school? There might be some local groups that can advise on settings that could suit his needs best.

Finally, is your partner around at bedtime? If he is I think you need to divide and conquer. I would be tempted to move your younger child into your room at least for a while so that one of you can focus on each child's bedtime and by having them separated you might find there is less disruption.

We have raised a formal complaint

Hi OP, I’m going to be a bit brutal here from a fellow autism mum. You are going to need to start making BIG changes to your life right now to help your DS1. By the sounds of it, he is continuously overwhelmed and lashing out is a very normal reaction. You cannot just pop to town with an autistic child and expect it to go well. You need to restructure your entire life to work around their needs to things will continue to be hellish. No overwhelming environments, gentle exposure, therapy, finding activities to support sensory regulation etc. and unfortunately, a diagnosis will offer no practical support, it’s on you to make those changes. My son was very much like yours until we removed him from nursery, changed our careers to work around his needs and gave him constant attention. He is now a different child and can tolerate so much more. I’m sorry, there’s no easy fix here but you will need to centre everything around DS1 if you want life to be a bit smoother

I've used the Hey Joey app with my ds, you can use it to log what's happening but it also gives you insights and strategies to try... it's kind of hard to explain but I got very overwhelmed with all the advice out there and this just kept it all recorded for me and once i knew what worked i had it noted so i could tell DH, DM etc, when ds does x, this is how we handle it... consistency helped.

I really feel for you, you are doing more than a f/t job just now and I remember how utterly exhausting it is feeling at rock bottom but doing it all again then next day anyway.

You sound like an absolutely brilliant mum who has reached the end of her extraordinarily long tether.
My 3yo is a very easy child, but I also sometimes just want five minutes to myself. That makes us human, it doesn't make you bad. Especially given the behaviours you're contending with.

Could your DS2 go to nursery for some respite? He might benefit from being around other children and it would give you this last year before DS1 starts school to focus on him and his needs and to try to get that support in place without feeling like DS2 is missing out on too much of your time.

Also, agree with other posters that DP needs to get more involved if he is not already doing 50/50 with you at the weekend. Ideally you should have a couple of hours to yourself but if he needs to build up to that because he isn't used to sharing the parenting, then at least he needs to have them while you have a quiet coffee in the bedroom. For his sake as well as yours, he needs to understand his children and it sounds like he doesn't.

Sending you love and luck OP xx