I wouldnt have had another baby if I knew things would be like this

[FishHighJumping]

I’ve honestly had enough now. I’m not cut out for this, I’m just not.

I’ve got two boys, DS1 has just turned 4 and DS2 is 23 months. DS1 has suspected autism, not diagnosed yet because apparently everything takes about 400 years, but we’ve been told there are definitely developmental concerns. Getting dressed is a battle, leaving the house is a battle, coming back into the house is a battle, food is a battle, bedtime is a battle. There is no normal day here anymore.

He is aggressive aswell. He hits, kicks, throws things, screams, pulls hair, pushes. He regularly pulls his little brothers hair and shoves him over and then I’m the one having to get between them while DS2 is crying and DS1 is screaming because I’ve stopped him. I tell him leave him alone, I say it nicely, I say it not nicely, I move DS2, I move DS1, nothing makes any difference. DS2 has started copying him now aswell. He pushes things and shouts and has started doing this horrible little angry noise that DS1 does. I feel like I’m watching him turn into the same sort of child and I cannot cope with two of them doing it.

They share a room because we only have two bedrooms and bedtime is honestly a joke. DS1 won’t leave DS2 alone. He gets out of bed, goes over to him, pulls his hair or takes his blanket or whatever he can get hold of. Then DS2 starts crying, DS1 gets louder, I go in there, they both get more worked up and suddenly it’s half 10 and nobody is asleep. I dread bedtime. I actually start feeling sick when it gets to about 6 because I know what’s coming.

DS1 was at nursery but he wasn’t coping there at all. He was having problems with the other children and the staff were struggling with his behaviour. He was getting more and more upset and it just wasn’t working so he isn’t going anymore. He’s just here with me all day every day now. No break, no quiet, no chance to think. DP works full time and doesn’t really see what it’s like during the day. He comes home and DS is sometimes sitting eating or watching something and then apparently I’ve made it sound worse than it is. Yes because you’ve been here for twenty minutes and he’s currently eating a biscuit.

Today was awful from the minute we left the house. We went into town because I needed a few bits and thought it might be nice to get out for once. I took the double buggy, but DS1 refused to sit in it. Screaming, getting out, throwing himself backwards every time I tried to put him back in. In the end I let him walk because I couldn’t spend the whole afternoon wrestling a 4 year old into a buggy while DS2 sat there watching.

Then he ran off. He saw something and went and I was trying to get DS2 out of the way of people and by the time I looked up he was gone. I had to leave the bags and run after him. I was furious and terrified at the same time, which is a horrible combination because you’re trying to catch your child while also wanting to scream at them. I can’t take my own children into town for half an hour without it turning into an emergency. What am I supposed to do, stay in the house until they’re teenagers?

Then he wanted food from one of the shops and when I said no he started screaming again. Honestly the only time he seems properly happy is when he’s eating. He can be miserable and shouting for hours and then you give him something and suddenly he’s fine, sitting there like nothing happened while I’m shaking and trying not to cry. I know people will say sensory issues and regulation and all the rest of it, but I’m telling you what it is like to live with. We came home early and the whole afternoon was a complete waste of time.

I cried when we got home. DP asked what was wrong and I said I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want every day to be like this. I don’t want to spend my life dealing with screaming and hitting and trying to stop one child hurting the other. I don’t enjoy taking DS1 anywhere. I don’t enjoy playing with him. I don’t look forward to him waking up. I feel horrible writing that but it’s true. Sometimes I just want him to go away and leave me alone for five minutes, which obviously makes me feel like the worst person alive.

The thing I feel worst about is I wouldn’t have had another baby if I’d known DS1 was going to be like this. I love DS2, obviously I do, but I feel like I’ve brought him into a family where he can’t even have a normal childhood because everything revolves around DS1. He can’t play in his own room without DS1 going over and grabbing him. He can’t sit with a toy without it being taken. I feel like I’ve made a massive mistake having two children when I can barely manage one. I thought it would get easier as DS got older but it hasn’t. If anything it’s got worse and now there’s another child being dragged into it.

DP says I’m being horrible and DS can’t help it, which I KNOW. I’m not stupid. I know he isn’t waking up thinking how can I ruin mums day today but it feels like it and knowing why he does it doesn’t make it less exhausting when you’re the one dealing with it from 7am until bedtime. I’m the one who can’t go to the toilet without something happening. I’m the one who can’t get them both dressed without somebody screaming. I’m the one who has to watch DS2 every second because DS1 might suddenly pull him over. DP gets to go to work and have adults around him and eat his lunch without somebody throwing a cup.

I’ve been looking into autism assessments and support but everything takes forever. You get told to wait, then wait for another appointment, then somebody says they’ll call you and they don’t. People say ask for help but what help exactly? We don’t have family who can just come and take them for the day. I can’t afford private anything. DP says I need to be more patient but I genuinely don’t know where I’m supposed to find more patience from. I’ve used it all. It’s gone.

I feel like a terrible mother saying this but I am done. Today has tipped me over the edge and I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and do the exact same thing again. I feel like I’ve lost myself completely. I’m just the person who stops people hitting each other and cleans up food and says no all day. I don’t even recognise myself anymore. I want one day where nobody is screaming, nobody is pulling anyone’s hair and I can actually enjoy being a mum instead of just surviving it. Is that really too much to ask?

It all sounds very difficult.

Separate sleeping spaces would help.

In your situation I'd either put one DC in your room or give them a room each while you sleep in the lounge.

I've got a 5 year old autistic boy who sounds a lot like yours, it's hard, really, really hard.
I suggest getting him back in nursery ASAP, not only for your sanity and for DS2 to have some time with you but also you will need that evidence from an educational setting for the autism assessment and for an EHCP.
Mine started melatonin a few months ago, life changing! The difference it makes having a chilled bedtime and a couple of hours to myself in the evening is unbelievable. I was so close to breaking but I can cope now.
Do you have a double buggy that DS can go in? Mine has a disability buggy which we do need a lot less now but it's great for places where I know a meltdown is a strong possibility.
Has the health visitor referred him for an assessment? If not, that is what needs to happen. It's a long waiting list in most areas but if you know you're actually on the list that's something.
Things can get easier. I really hope you get there soon ❤️

Make sure both you and DP get a bit of time for yourself at the weekend. The rest of the time, divide and conquer. Keep the boys separate as much as possible.

I would look into a nursery place for DC2. It will be better for everyone to keep them apart as much as possible.

I would also look into finding a nanny/babysitter who can cope with DC1, even just for a few hours a week to give you time with DC2.

I would put DS2 in your room to try to keep him safe from DS1 at night.

Hopefully more experienced people can advise on how you get more help to address DS1 problems.

Get your GP to do a referral for right to choose. Use ADHDUK website as a starting point to see what providers have the shortest wait in your area, and if your ICB is still funding assessments.
Be kind to yourself.

Just wanted to add, you may be eligible for DLA. I got it for my DS and used it for private speech and language therapy as the NHS offer next to nothing in my area.

You need a break. That’s the long and short of it. Go out tomorrow- alone, for at least 4 hours. Let DH take the domestic load for a few hours.
Theres a lot more I could write - as a Mum of 2 now grown ND DC.
It’s hard - you are not imagining it. And at this age you are really in the thick of it.
We went outside a lot. One DC had to hold an adults hand ALL the time or be on reins when outside as he was a bolter. He got overwhelmed in the environment you described and would just run off. So it was non negotiable we either held hands or he had reins. We worked up to him reliably holding onto the Pram.
I only took them into shops if i absolutely could not avoid it.
My DH had a very demanding job with long hours and high stress. He was also the DCs Dad and so he parented. You have children and resting at the weekend stops. And that’s ok. He is not more tired than you. He can help with bed time OR if he is consistently too late there are some jobs at home he could do when he gets home.
I must admit I was very strict. DC 2 moaned relentlessly until he was about 5 or 6. I used to wear ear plugs when it was safe to do so. And I just ignored it. Plus I was strict about behavior and had immediate consequences. It was boring and relentless and for a time we did miss out on things as going home was one consequence or ensuring a time out was done. But it paid off in the end.
It’s also ok to take anti depressants if needed for a time, in order to get through a tricky time.

Why didn't you leave the kids with their dad whilst you went out alone? Tell him tomorrow he has them for the day and fuck off somewhere.

Yea of course your DP can sit and say that when it seems like he does very little to help. You are working equally as hard as him, your job is probably harder. He should be taking your elder child while you get the youngest to sleep and you need to have some time to yourself at the weekends.

Would a private assessment be in your budget? It took 3 months in total from me making an appointment to getting a diagnosis this way.

hey OP- you dont need an assessment of autism to start helping your child. Totally get the post though as things sound really difficult but there are so many things you can do to try and get DS1 calm. He is clearly having issues and sounds really dysregulated in general which ofc has affected your mood/perspective on the whole situation.

have a look on instagram what sort of sensory needs he has- if you are able to fufill some of those it will help with behaviours- maybe if you do jt for both of them they can bond? He also seems to struggle with transitions & DS1 sounds like a trigger so something to help with that (now/next/oopsie cards?).

If hes happy to eat whatever id also consider changing his diet to GF DF seed oil free (or if easier UPF) my DS has had tremendous changes on diet alone

sorry i know you didnt ask for advice on how to manage DS1 but this is a heartbreaking post to read and my heart goes out to you as it all sounds so shit, really demanding and so tough to go through day in day out. You are so strong to handle it all, none of us know what cards we will be dealt with so theres no point in regrets. Just know thjngs will get better 💕

also no offence but your Partner wont get it unless he experiences it every day for months -could you also go to the GP to help? Are you getting any 'me' time?

Oh darling

You need a BREAK

Theres so much practical advice re schooling that you will recieve - (you need to get the ball rolling on an EHCP - approach his old nursery for help on that, you dont need a diagnosis to get one)

But above all, you need time to yourself. Your husbands job isn't ideal, is there anyone who can give you 48 hours to rest?!

Youre doing so well and believe me, this is a very typical experience for us sen mums

🩷

Hey I'm a single parent doing what your husband is going, working full time and commuting - you don't get to opt out of parenting just because you work a lot. Also can he give you at least some time to yourself at the weekend. It sounds exhausting and I agree what you're doing is harder than what he is

This is just a minor point and the whole thing sounds so tough. But when did people stop using reins? Harness and reins and you could let him walk and wear himself out a bit, but safely. I had them for DC about 15 years ago. Kept them in the car for years in case we broke down so I knew I had some control if we ended up on a motorway verge. I know your DC’s will probably pull on them but it might be the least worst option.

Also, my friend had the same gap, two boys, oldest autistic, diagnosed young, at the age yours are now she couldn’t go out with both of them. He went to special school and over time things really Improved. Just wanted to say it hopefully won’t be this bad forever..

How very convenient for him

My God, our experiences are so similar!!

DS1 is 4 and we're waiting for an autism diagnosis and DD2 is 19 months. It's impossible. Ive had exactly the same thoughts that you have had, my husband is suicidal. Life feels exhausting and the misery feels never-ending.

You're not alone!! If you ever need to chat, PM me. I try to take comfort that it will get easier as the kids get older. It really won't be like this forever.

You can get through this!!! And so can I!!!

How do you know anything about his job or working hours? My OH worked 15 hour days and weekends quite often. He had no choice.

put one of them in your room to sleep. They aren’t coping together. And if you go out with them, have ds1 on reins and ds2 in buggy.
And most of all, don’t engage with society’s judgement of any of it. Do what you need to do.

i am not sure that the autism assessment is the magic bullet. Either way, the best thing to do is to look at the child in front of you and parent in the way that’s needed. A diagnosis won’t help with this.

and remember they won’t always be so little and demanding. My autistic ds is 20. There is light at the end, it’s just a hard stage and you need to basically block out society’s judgements of anything you need to choose to do.

I have no advice on the day-to-day living other than getting him back into nursery.

As for bedtime, split them. One falls asleep in your bed and the other in theirs. Then you can move the kid in your bed later.

I have 7 year old twins like this. I totally get the “only happy when eating” mine scream like banshees for food. They have no shortage of food but it’s just endless.

The stressful bedtime was the killer for me. After a hard day I KNEW another two hours of screaming and meltdowns was coming when they should be asleep. I begged for melatonin and it’s been life saving. Quite literally. I give them it at 7, bed at 8 and they are asleep by 8.10 instead of 9.30 or 10pm.

My heart goes out to you OP, you are exhausted and dealing with a relentless situation.
You desperately need a break but that's easier said than done. You have no family which makes a HUGE difference.
Looking after young children in itself is lonely, exhausting and isolating (without the additional challenges you have) & there are no easy answers.
Trips to parks and playgroups can help to reduce isolation and expose u all to fresh air and nature. These are tiny steps.
You will also meet up with other parents who are also dealing with the loneliness and exhaustion of caring for young children.
Take a couple of hours at the weekend to go for a walk and have a coffee, on your own.
Please take care of yourself OP, I am not minimising your challenges in any way but you desperately need to be able to recharge your battery that is so depleted.

Ah I’ve felt a bit like this before with a mix of hormones and sleep deprivation. The only thing I can think of is making a surprise. So if bedtime is 6pm and you start some sort of routine then flip it. Leave bedtime until 7pm and do something totally out of the ordinary eg baths before tea or shower with an adult and read books on the sofa with daddy whilst you sort out the little one. It has worked for mine before when he’s nap refusing, instead of doing it one way, we’ll pram walk instead. Sorry you’re feeling like that. Also if you’re at your wits end, hubby take a day off to have them, you relax?

I was knackered with two NT children, so I have a ton of sympathy for you in your situation. I would say empathy but I suspect it's not really easy to understand what it's really like if you aren't living it.

What does DP do at the weekend? If you haven't already, you need to make sure he's looking after both boys on his own for a day, if not every week, at least every fortnight. He will need some time to himself as well, but not as much as you as you have the harder shift here. Your day isn't any shorter than his (sounds like it may be longer if he isn't helping when he gets in) and it almost certainly contains less positive feedback and more stress. Are you getting enough sleep at night?

Some ideas that may or may not be possible/may or may not help:

• get DS1 into a school nursery
• Look up techniques, groups, etc. for managing children with autism and try them out on DS1.
• Build a divider in the boys' room some how. It doesn't have to be perfect to be better than your current situation, but you need somewhere safe for DS2 and this could help.
• If you can't get DS1 into a school nursery, consider putting DS2 in for a few sessions a week to give him some space and make your life a little easier.

• Move closer to DP's work.

Also, I note you say DP, not DH. Is he putting money into a pension for you while you're not working? What's the plan for you going back to work? Have you made sure you're getting NIC from child benefit? If DP is putting money into a home or his own pension or anything else, it's important you make sure there is money going into something that you will be able to pull on if you split up. I hate to bring up the possibility when you're already drowning with other stress, but parents in your situation are a lot more likely to split up than average. Don't neglect this possibility.

Can you both work part-time so you both get a break?
Even if it means a drop in income it would be worth it to not feel like this every day.
The best decision I everade was to share parental leave with my partner so we both appreciated how hard the other person worked looking after our baby.
If you're partner won't consider it then I'd suggest you going back full-time and asking him how he wants to sort childcare

I can totally relate to this. We didn’t have a second child for similar reasons you’ve described and I’ve definitely grieved for having the family I expected to have. It does ease up once they start school and there’s some relief then. Our DC didn’t copy in nursery so they went to a child minder for a few hours a week. You also have a full time job with even longer hours that your DH’s by the sound of it! I have a non negotiable at least 4 solid hours to myself every weekend, I either go out with friends/alone or go and read/watch something in bed and put my phone on DND. This both gives me a decent break AND means DH has an understanding of how relentless sole care of a child with SEND really is!

Sounds horrific.
I would rather be working and commuting than dealing with the stress you have.

I think you are going to have to reorganise the bedrooms and take one child each.

I also think you need to speak to your GP to see are there any resources for you.
You need a break as this could easily become a crisis situation for you.

You 100% have my sympathy.
It sounds very lonely, stressful and hard.

this may sound old school that you want to dismiss it instantly: What about some much much stricter boundaries for your first DS?

Obviously, it is very easy for me to write as an anonymous poster, but IM rather antiquated opinion (I'm 70) I think your elder son needs more and tighter boundaries to feel regulated. Knowing there are hard and fast rules, and that breaking them will result in (moderately) unpleasant consequences for him personally might help. It could be stricter rules over doing homework, or restricting internet access. But I brought up my only child almost 30 years ago and the world has changed, probably not improved.