How do I tell another mum my DD doesn't want to be friends with her DD?

[Brownhotwaterbottle]

Last year a new family moved in next door. They have 2 little girls (7&4) my DD is 6 so I was delighted to see kids of similar age moving in. They are a lovely family I get on really well with the parents especially the mum and initially it seemed like the kids enjoyed playing together while we had a coffee. However their older girl 7 doesn't really "play" with kids in the usual sense, she prefers to play alone beside them and will only engage to direct the other children then can react badly if children don't play out the game exactly as she has it in her head. Eg older child will insist on only playing school and always being the teacher and will tell the others what to say and do and get very upset if they don't comply. She is a lovely child extremely smart just very rigid in her way of playing and can also be painfully honest she doesn't mean to hurt people's feelings but she does.
Its led to my DD really disliking the older girl so she Doesn't want to play with her anymore. She loves the younger DD but the sisters come as a package obviously. I won't force my DD to play with someone she doesn't want to but I do feel bad for the the older DD I suspect she has some ND but the mother has never mentioned it to me so its not like i can use this as a way to speak to my DD about kids with autism etc.

I just don't know how to say it to the mum. She's been inviting me over with my DD for a coffee/playdate and I've kept putting her off saying im busy with work I don't want to say "sorry my kid doesn't want to play with your kid" as it seems kind of mean even if it's truthful.

What would you do?

The older DD won't just play alone she will insist on trying to get the others to play "her" game so my DD is refusing to go over on a playdate to their house.

Just say they have a very different style of play and don’t really vibe with each other.

The mum told me that in school she will play alone and that she doesn't have any friends.

That's a nice way to put it thank you

Be honest with the mother and see if she’ll help to manage their play time so it works better. The mother should help her older daughter play in a way which doesn’t upset other kids. For example if your daughter doesn’t want to follow the girl’s commands, the girl needs to learn to accept this and either be more flexible or let it go and play by herself.

“I’d love to come. However our problem is Dd doesn’t want to play ‘school’ any more”

Its also good (and will set your Dd up well, to coach / encourage your Dd to say “I don’t want to play that and you can’t boss me” Or “I am playing with Lego now, that’s what I want to do”

We spend so much time urging kids to ‘share’ ‘take turns’ ‘be kind’. We can teach them to assert their needs, too.

I think it's up to the adults to step in when this happens.

Also, advocate for your child. Back her up.
”Dd doesn’t want to play school today, she’s enjoying playing with <other child>

I wouldn't force her to play, but I would go over with your dd and just tell them to work it out between them. I think it's better to learn how to be around a range of different people from a young age and so will do your daughter no harm now and again.

I wouldn't say anything to the mum, nor would I stop the playdates. These situations are very good for learning strategies for dealing with people.

The eldest daughter just sounds plain bossy. I would explain to my child that some people are just bossy, and the way you handle them is to say very firmly that you don't want to play that game and you're going to play the other game with the other people. If bossy-girl doesn't like it, hard cheese!

Am I mad in thinking your daughter needs to be the driver in this?

• Cathy, I don't want to do that, I'm doing this
• Sorry Cathy me and little sis are going to keep playing our own game.

It's much more important that DD learns how to practice her own boundaries, which you can support her in, than you magic a way for her to get out of playing with this girl.

How can I force her to go over there when she doesnt want to? My DD never has any issues with friends that i need to be involved I'm sure she fights with her friends but they sort it out between them. This is the one child she really hates to be around so it doesn't feel right to force her.

She does this but it just ends up in tears and tantrums by the older child and then they leave.
My DD is used to standing up for herself with other kids but her usual tactics are not working here so she Doesn't want to be around her

You back off and let your child handle it. Don't force her to go if she doesn't want to and the other parent will tell her child why.
I don't agree with this modern way of micromanaging every aspect of your child's life. They need to learn how to deal with life without their parents constantly stepping in.

The mother texted me though so what do I say? Just Ignore the text?

Perhaps that would have been a key moment to express that the girls arent enjoying playing the same types of games at the moment and perhaps a respite whilst they mature a bit might help?

I do think it's difficult, it's just that as they live next door it will make things tricky potentially for a long time. I think your dd needs help with maybe some new ways to sort it. It's hard because you obviously want to protect her, but she needs to learn how to manage difficult situations too. I don't think coming or not should be a choice though, it is not a case of being forced, but you are mum and the adult and she should understand that and know that if you go then she has to go too.

No don't ignore it , accept the invitation and teach your daughter to be assertive, step in yourself if needs be .

Talk to your neighbour and say this is what’s happening (as objective and neutral as you can) and ask what does she suggest to keep everyone happy.

Just say you dont think they play well togethwr, but don't ghost her FFS!

How do I force the child go to a playdate she doesn't want to go to?

In a situation like this & because it’s harder due to the children living next door I would invite them over. I would supervise their play & when the older child exhibited her usual behaviour I would have no hesitation in intervening & letting her know this type of bossiness is not acceptable as ….. is not enjoying the game so please think of something else or you will need to go home. I would then offer them all a treat for happily playing together in an activity they all enjoy.

Surely she will just do as she's asked as you are her mum?

Put your big girl pants on and say your DD doesnt want to play because she's fed up of being bossed around.

You dont. Ever.