How do I tell another mum my DD doesn't want to be friends with her DD?

[Brownhotwaterbottle]

Last year a new family moved in next door. They have 2 little girls (7&4) my DD is 6 so I was delighted to see kids of similar age moving in. They are a lovely family I get on really well with the parents especially the mum and initially it seemed like the kids enjoyed playing together while we had a coffee. However their older girl 7 doesn't really "play" with kids in the usual sense, she prefers to play alone beside them and will only engage to direct the other children then can react badly if children don't play out the game exactly as she has it in her head. Eg older child will insist on only playing school and always being the teacher and will tell the others what to say and do and get very upset if they don't comply. She is a lovely child extremely smart just very rigid in her way of playing and can also be painfully honest she doesn't mean to hurt people's feelings but she does.
Its led to my DD really disliking the older girl so she Doesn't want to play with her anymore. She loves the younger DD but the sisters come as a package obviously. I won't force my DD to play with someone she doesn't want to but I do feel bad for the the older DD I suspect she has some ND but the mother has never mentioned it to me so its not like i can use this as a way to speak to my DD about kids with autism etc.

I just don't know how to say it to the mum. She's been inviting me over with my DD for a coffee/playdate and I've kept putting her off saying im busy with work I don't want to say "sorry my kid doesn't want to play with your kid" as it seems kind of mean even if it's truthful.

What would you do?

So my DS10 - is very much like this not diagnosed ND, has some traits but enough that effect his life were we need a diagnosis. Unfortunately unless the parent steps in and tells her daughter she won’t change:

if you feel comfortable I would speak to the mum next time she asks to come over and say DD would love to come she’s got a new board game/art supplies/doll that she really wants to play with though so if the girls are only going to play school then she wants to stay here.

we are very aware of our sons need to control the game and we will take him away from situations, or we would say things like they don’t have to it play your way/by your rules. We got to a point where he would make up rules for board games and we would have to say this game has come with rules you don’t need to set any!! But unless her mum acknowledges the issue and teaches her how to interact fairly then it won’t stop

are you crazy or what?

No one is suggesting to force her to play with a child she doesn’t like?? They are saying that OPs daughter is too young to dictate whether or not they go next door to visit mums friend. OPs daughter cannot stay home alone so must accompany mum while she visits her friend. Dd doesn’t have to play with that girl while they visit the house, she could take an activity with her to do by herself while mum has a coffee. If the other child asks her to play she can exert her right for autonomy by saying no thank you.

"get on with" is not the same as want for a friend. I read it that is was not something that the OP would be sad to lose provided it didn't result in a neighbour disagreement.

All the best people are.

there's pleasantly dotty and then there is batshit

I think the mum needs to help her daughter a bit. My daughter can be a little like this so pre play dates etc we go over how people like to play differently and that’s okay, you can’t make someone do what you want. If she gets too bossy/upset I step in and remind her, try to redirect the play.

That makes it sound like I’m very interfering but it’s not constant, just keeping an eye on the play and trying to prevent everyone getting upset! She is much better but still doesn’t have a ‘best friend’ which she desperately wants. She’s invited to party’s now though and the teacher says she does play with a group at school. She’s five.

Which I most definitely am not. I can disagree without resorting to name calling, you appear to find that difficult.

Ok I see your point, but:

• I think that's easy to say 'you don't have to play with her' "officially", but practically that's still throwing the 6 year old to wolves, to be mercilessly harangued by the older child. Let's be honest, it doesn't sound like the neighbouring girl would take no for an answer.
• and also, the way most of the posters who suggested the OP just impose this on her daughter do mean to tell her to go and play, not just come with

Probably best to be honest with her.

You said if the mum had made you aware of any ND you would use this as a way to talk to your DD about autism etc. the implication being you would be teaching your DD to be more tolerant...does the other girl need to be ND for you to think it important for you DD to be more understanding of the different ways people interact and think etc?

I'd not drag your daughter kicking and screaming, nor would I avoid telling your neighbour that she doesn't want to come. She might be unaware and willing to work with her daughter on how to make other children feel more comfortable in play. You can then talk to your daughter about it and see if she wants to give it another go.

Hi Janet
Katie is a bit reluctant to play at moment. She and Sophie have very different styles of playing and I don't want to force her to have playdates she says she doesn't want. Let's leave it for a bit and see how she feels in a few weeks. Sorry to disappoint your girls.

I think if they were meeting by chance, like in school, it would perfectly acceptable to leave them to it, but if your child doesn't want to go to someone's house, I think I would listen to that. DD won't really have a socially acceptable way out. I just wouldn't go. I wouldn't tell your neighbour this though because parenting is a marathon, not a sprint, and you never know when they might be in a situation together so you don't want to burn any bridges.

If you want to still be friends with the mum, see if she fancies going out for a drink without the kids. Might it be less intense if you all went somewhere neutral? Three is a really awkward number sometimes.

I wouldn't talk to the neighbour because I don't think there will be much she can do about it, rather than both of you policing how the kids are playing, which is no fun for anyone.

If her DD does turn out to be ND, that might explain things but it won't make your DD want to be her friend and I think it is really important you encourage your DD to listen to her intuition about friends. When she is a teenager, you'll be glad she has. Whilst we should be polite to everyone, you actually shouldn't be friends with people who upset you, as Mumsnet threads about adult friendships suggest.

Sadly, mum friends work best when the kids just get on. I think it's too much of a stretch if they fundamentally don't. Sorry, OP. This is hard.

The NDN does sound like she may be autistic. Regardless, saying what an earlier poster recommended seems like a good idea; I'd add "at the moment"

So "they have a different style of playing and aren't really vibing, at the moment".

If you do do more meet-ups, I agree structured activities/trips may be better at this point. Or give them an activity instead of open ended play. Chat to the mum and say "I think they need a bit of support at the moment, let's both guide them and see if that helps". You can remind yours to say if she's happy, she can ask hers to check if her friend is happy, etc. I used to do this with one of my children who needed support: "Have you check with X that she wants to play this too?"

Personally I would just have a chat face to face when the kids aren't around but if you can't do that - send something like this.

"Hi [neighbour name], I don't want to upset you but I want to be honest and make you aware of something. DD doesn't want to play with your daughter anymore due to how she plays. She's very rigid and gets frustrated when the game doesn't go exactly as she wants and it isn't enjoyable for DD and I won't be forcing her to be in a situation she doesn't enjoy. Your DD is a lovely girl but they just have different ways of playing and it doesn't seem to be something that can be worked out so best they both find others who match their play styles."

You go on play dates?
Nope. Nope Nope.

Why do adults think its acceptable to force children to play with other kids they don't like?
Would you?

Of course you can’t make her, sometimes people post really odd responses on here,

respond and say happy to pop over for a coffee, will be on my own though, Jane’s got loads on at the moment,

don’t ignore her it’s rude and you don’t need to tell her either,

My son plays like this too and likes playing schools where like your friends dd he always wants to be teacher and boss people around. He is recently diagnosed with autism and they even commented on his style of play when carrying out his assessment. All my friends and their children are aware of this and do their best to try and accommodate him which I am so grateful for but I also have spoken to my son and explained that people won't always want to play the same as him and that he has to let people make their own decisions. I would speak to your friend and just explain that your child and her child have different play styles that tend to clash and maybe it's better for them to have a break from each other. I would have completely understood this as I'm well aware how difficult it can be when they are so rigid in their thinking and your friend surely can't say she hasn't noticed especially if you have.

"I'd love to join you for a coffee. The girls seemed to struggle playing together last time, do you think it would help if we brought (craft activity your daughter likes) with us or something?"

Urgh we had this it’s really mortifying. New family moved in they seized on dd2 as a lovely friend for their dd (only child) and initially the girls did get on well.

Then dd said she no longer wanted to see the girl. Think the girl had some ND traits and she was extremely annoying. I felt bad for them but also did not want to force my dd to spend time with someone she quite reasonably couldn’t stand. It’s really difficult.

How horrible,

It sounds like OPs daughter could do with some help learning how to set firm boundaries then. My child is also 6 and has zero issue politely but firmly telling another child “no thank you” if he doesn’t want to play with them. If a child can’t say no thank you to another child asking them to play, then how will they fare if a predator is asking them to get in their van?

It’s really important that kids are able to say no and stick to it. The other girl will soon get bored of asking if the answer is a firm no every time 🤷‍♀️

I think firm boundaries are great but as a child in someone else's house just refusing to play is quite tricky. That's not how play dates go. The neighbour's daughter sounds like she will struggle to take no for an answer. DD has already issued a firm boundary by not wanting to go in the house. I think this is her refusal to get in the van, and that's why I think she should be listened to.

You don't, you make excuses, just be unavailable.

OP, people clearly don't get it.
There was a little girl in one of my daughters class and she only wanted to play one game and she insisted on directing the play.
Every week the desks were mixed up and the children had to play during break with each other.

This was going on for a few weeks and the children just walked away from her and refused to follow orders.
The teacher had been letting her do this for peace.
She was a nice little girl but used to her own way.
Parents were in and not happy that their children were being completely dictated to, and the teacher was forced to take over managing the play.

She definitely was ND and very bright.
It was a very tough year for the teacher at break times as the children continued to assert themselves and walk away.

One child happy and 5 others not happy wasn't going to work.

Eventually I think it was resolved by her spending breaks helping out with jobs regularly.

You cannot force your child to play.
You have to respect her wishes.
You text her back, thank her for the invitation, but the girls seem to have different styles of playing and what games they like and your little one is happy to stay home for now.

These things are tricky but you have no choice but to acknowledge you child knows her own mind and wont take direction while playing.