How do I tell another mum my DD doesn't want to be friends with her DD?

[Brownhotwaterbottle]

Last year a new family moved in next door. They have 2 little girls (7&4) my DD is 6 so I was delighted to see kids of similar age moving in. They are a lovely family I get on really well with the parents especially the mum and initially it seemed like the kids enjoyed playing together while we had a coffee. However their older girl 7 doesn't really "play" with kids in the usual sense, she prefers to play alone beside them and will only engage to direct the other children then can react badly if children don't play out the game exactly as she has it in her head. Eg older child will insist on only playing school and always being the teacher and will tell the others what to say and do and get very upset if they don't comply. She is a lovely child extremely smart just very rigid in her way of playing and can also be painfully honest she doesn't mean to hurt people's feelings but she does.
Its led to my DD really disliking the older girl so she Doesn't want to play with her anymore. She loves the younger DD but the sisters come as a package obviously. I won't force my DD to play with someone she doesn't want to but I do feel bad for the the older DD I suspect she has some ND but the mother has never mentioned it to me so its not like i can use this as a way to speak to my DD about kids with autism etc.

I just don't know how to say it to the mum. She's been inviting me over with my DD for a coffee/playdate and I've kept putting her off saying im busy with work I don't want to say "sorry my kid doesn't want to play with your kid" as it seems kind of mean even if it's truthful.

What would you do?

Maybe suggest a coffee just with her?

Agree with this. Yes, kids need to learn how to deal with difficult people but as adults we know that sometimes we avoid those people. Kids should not be forced to spend time with people they feel uncomfortable with. We all have the freedom to walk away from people who make us uncomfortable and the OP needs to show her daughter that it’s okay to do that.

Can you be in a situation where they play in the same room as you and the other mum. And you supervise? If not be kindly honest with the mum as others have suggested. Don’t ignore her messages.

The girl is definitely displaying autistic traits. Autistic children have to be taught social skills which don't come naturally to them. I'd be wondering about the motlher being seemingly clueless about her daughter's lack of friends and not trying to work out what the problem behaviour was. I always told my children that they had to bend to the world because the world was not going to bend to them. Plainly, children don't want to play with her because they don't enjoy being bullied by her. I think it is kinder to say your daughter doesn't want to play than just hope the mother gets the message by putting her off- if she too is on the spectrum it may take her a long time to get the message. I would not subject my daughter to these play dates. Special needs is not a licence to behave badly.

Some of the advice to basically strong arm your dd to placate these randoms in the name of “being kind” is actually atrocious.

Honestly coming out the other side now mine are late teens your children often really remember things like this. You will likely lose touch with these randoms but your DDs will remember how you acted if you dont listen to them andprioritise them. Especially if your dd is generally reasonable which it sounds like she is.

Absolutely do not make your DD go. Staggering the number of people who think she should be told she must.

How I’d approach the mother would depend on how proactive she is on the play dates. Does she intervene when her elder DD tries to dictate everything or just ignore it?

If she tries then I’d just say that you’re not doing play dates atm as you’re both very busy and working on a few things with your DD before resuming them.

If she just ignores it then I’d say that unfortunately DD doesn’t want to have play dates atm as she doesn’t enjoy the games X insists on playing. I’d say that perhaps you can revisit when they’re a bit older.

I can't believe people are saying the daughter needs to learn to assert her boundaries - she can! She has! It's not working! She has then, at six years old, approached her own mother and said she'd rather not be put in that position any more! That's establishing a boundary right there. Suggesting her mum ignores her boundary to teach her to establish boundaries is... odd, at best!

Could you try honesty and explain that your dd doesn't want to, as she gets upset being ordered around her elder dd. I know it's difficult but tbh she probably already knows.

I used to have a ‘friend’ who used to live a few houses down when I was about 7, she was really annoying and I didn’t like her , her mum used to bring her round and ask if she could play, my step mother used to look out the window and see it was them and we would answer the door with our coats on and say we were just going out sorry . She certainly never made me play with her !
use one of the many good suggestions up thread for a reply op, obviously the sensible ones talking about the girls not getting on well atm and maybe you should stick to adult catch ups for a while and not the fucking ridiculous ones telling you to send her for the good of her moral fibre and banging on about dentist appts and schools ffs.

Omg.

OP, do NOT do this.

Ignore this completely

You don't.

She doesn't want to go next-door. She doesn't want to play with the older child. They are the decision she should be allowed to make. How would you feel if your husband forced you to go and have a play date with the woman door if you really didn't like her??

Why can't you socialize with her without the children?

If the woman asked you directly, then be kind but truthful.

Could you say something along the lines of "last time playing schools got a bit tricky as the girls have different playing styles. How about they do an activity? We could do tomorrow afternoon but have to leave at 4.30 for [x]". That way you have a finite amount of time for them to do something like autumn art/ making bracelets or fairy gardens with acorn shells and autumn leaves etc and then you can leave before her DD tries to direct another game.

Why?

& who do you think you are to say that?

It is a very good post and the poster is entitled to share her opinion!

You don't have to agree with it, but to tell the OP to ignore her is very, very rude.

Exactly!!

I would say 'playdate maybe not a great idea as DD and neighbour child have been struggling to play together/have different play styles, but an adult coffee would be great'.

To essentially character assassinate this woman’s very young child?

Yeah, totally ignore

I'd be straightforward with the mum and offer to help teach the older daughter how to play with others. It needs addressing.

I wouldn't tell the mum. I'd tell DD she needs to tell the girl if she doesn't want to do something, then I'd go round as usual and step in if needed. Don't cut off the whole family because your DD has decided she doesn't want to play with one of the children. It will be a good learning opportunity for her, a 6 year old doesn't dictate the families social schedule and sometimes we need to be around people we're not keen on.

Would you say the same if it was Dad's weird mate Brian making the daughter feel uncomfortable?

OP, I had very similar for a while when my neighbours DD and family moved in temporarily. (They too had 2 children similar ages to two of mine) and I ended up having to say to the DD
"I'm going to arrange for X to be here to mind the others (I have younger and older children) and I'll pop in with DS4 for a coffee as I can't be arsed with the carry on of the other two (meaning her DS and mine), a break from each other might do them good."
It worked and it left the door open at the time for us to discuss their dynamics over coffee and an acceptance on her behalf that there were issues there with her DS's rigid behaviour.

Oh please say you’re joking

It’s a children problem I wouldn’t get involved, if they ask if your DD wants to play you ask your Dd, if she says no you say no she doesn’t want to and if she says yes then that’s up to her. That’s all there is to it, it’s between the children nobody will take kindly to someone telling them why their child is wrong or unfriendly.

Oh shit sorry, it's MN - my mistake - OP: bury your head in the sand. Keep claiming to be busy and let the kid struggle with personal relationships for all of her childhood and likely adult life. It's essential to prioritise the easy life for yourself and never stick your neck out for anyone else ever. Ever.

So offer to help her daughter learn how to play
or
bury your head in sand

Are you generally this black and white?