How do I tell another mum my DD doesn't want to be friends with her DD?

[Brownhotwaterbottle]

Last year a new family moved in next door. They have 2 little girls (7&4) my DD is 6 so I was delighted to see kids of similar age moving in. They are a lovely family I get on really well with the parents especially the mum and initially it seemed like the kids enjoyed playing together while we had a coffee. However their older girl 7 doesn't really "play" with kids in the usual sense, she prefers to play alone beside them and will only engage to direct the other children then can react badly if children don't play out the game exactly as she has it in her head. Eg older child will insist on only playing school and always being the teacher and will tell the others what to say and do and get very upset if they don't comply. She is a lovely child extremely smart just very rigid in her way of playing and can also be painfully honest she doesn't mean to hurt people's feelings but she does.
Its led to my DD really disliking the older girl so she Doesn't want to play with her anymore. She loves the younger DD but the sisters come as a package obviously. I won't force my DD to play with someone she doesn't want to but I do feel bad for the the older DD I suspect she has some ND but the mother has never mentioned it to me so its not like i can use this as a way to speak to my DD about kids with autism etc.

I just don't know how to say it to the mum. She's been inviting me over with my DD for a coffee/playdate and I've kept putting her off saying im busy with work I don't want to say "sorry my kid doesn't want to play with your kid" as it seems kind of mean even if it's truthful.

What would you do?

I am not sure that the OP teaching would work. She has no ND therapy skills or experience (unless she hasn't said) its not just a case of "oh she has her own child, she must be able to do it."

It’s tricky. Would this be diplomatic enough?

“Hi, I’d love to get together, but I have to be honest about dd finding play dates with x a bit overwhelming, as they have such different styles of play that I think dd sometimes finds it difficult to join in with x’s games in a way which is enjoyable for her too. Maybe a break would give them a reset and we can revisit the idea in a while? Would love to have a coffee at some point in the meantime!”

She doesn’t HAVE to play. She can read a book, stay with mum, do her own thing. Whatever she likes. I’m a bit confused as to why there to be no adult supervision - are the children at a completely different end of the house? If things go sideways then step in and scaffold. If they continue to deteriorate then DD simply comes away and sits with the adults. She’ll be just fine, mum gets her chat, all is well.

'Character Assasinate' do be serious! 🤣🙇🏻‍♀️

anyway, the point is the other post that is entitled to her opinion & feels that way it's very very rude of you to tell the OP to ignore it because you disagree.

What was your suggestion to the OP? What are the other options?

What do you think human parents did before we invented jobs? Why has everyone forgotten that you are allowed to (and are indeed supposed to) raise your own children. You don't 'need' outsiders who have read a few books and regurgitate latest popular theory. You don't need a piece of paper with a qualification printed on it to be good at raising children, even those with ND.

Also: I said to offer help. It shows a willingness to engage and to be a good friend. The mother may well decline but will remember that she tried. Hopefully.

How did that work? Did you then have to go out in case the mother watched your house to see if you were lying? And how often did this happen, did she not catch on?

Anyone who thinks unsolicitedly offering to teach someone else’s child social skills is a good idea has already demonstrated such a painful lack of social awareness that they’ve disqualified themselves from the job 😂

All the posters saying that OP should not "force" her DD to play with this girl, what about if this girl was her cousin? Should she also then avoid family members if she doesn't like them and the way they play?

Surely kids sometimes have to hang out with kids who play differently - could be a neighbour, cousin or even a sibling and that's just part of life being in a community and family. I don't understand why people think it's such an unreasonable thing to do. The parents are there observing anyway!

But this girl isn’t her cousin. There’s no reason whatsoever why the OP’s child needs to see this child. Their mothers can socialise separately, if they choose to.

Why are you inventing spurious ‘reasons’ why the girls need to play together?

I suspect she has some ND but the mother has never mentioned it to me so its not like i can use this as a way to speak to my DD about kids with autism etc.

What would you say to your dd?

They're next door neighbours though. That's not an insignificant thing and it could last years or decades for the parents. Hence I dont think it's completely unreasonable that once in a while the mums and kids get together even if the kids don't particularly gel. Much like you would with cousins or children of your school/uni friends. It's just life. Keep the meet ups short and use some of the good suggestions on here about taking other activities along of imaginary play is particularly hard.

Nor is it insignificant that this girl has been bossy, has "reacted badly" when told no, has been "painfully honest" and has hurt OP's DD's feelings, and has cried and thrown tantrums when disagreed with. This isn't a question of not particularly gelling. I would consider it unreasonable of a parent to put their desire for a coffee with a neighbour above these serious concerns from their six year old.

I would speak to the mum face to face, tell her your dd is finding it difficult to play with her older dd as her dd is quiet assertive - not a bad thing - and with your dd being a year less mature she struggles with it and just now she doesn’t want to play, maybe once your dd is little older and more socially confident you can try again.

i had similar with ds’s friends when he was younger, and tried to be honest in a gentle way, as i know if ds was causing issues id value the feedback