How do I tell another mum my DD doesn't want to be friends with her DD?

[Brownhotwaterbottle]

Last year a new family moved in next door. They have 2 little girls (7&4) my DD is 6 so I was delighted to see kids of similar age moving in. They are a lovely family I get on really well with the parents especially the mum and initially it seemed like the kids enjoyed playing together while we had a coffee. However their older girl 7 doesn't really "play" with kids in the usual sense, she prefers to play alone beside them and will only engage to direct the other children then can react badly if children don't play out the game exactly as she has it in her head. Eg older child will insist on only playing school and always being the teacher and will tell the others what to say and do and get very upset if they don't comply. She is a lovely child extremely smart just very rigid in her way of playing and can also be painfully honest she doesn't mean to hurt people's feelings but she does.
Its led to my DD really disliking the older girl so she Doesn't want to play with her anymore. She loves the younger DD but the sisters come as a package obviously. I won't force my DD to play with someone she doesn't want to but I do feel bad for the the older DD I suspect she has some ND but the mother has never mentioned it to me so its not like i can use this as a way to speak to my DD about kids with autism etc.

I just don't know how to say it to the mum. She's been inviting me over with my DD for a coffee/playdate and I've kept putting her off saying im busy with work I don't want to say "sorry my kid doesn't want to play with your kid" as it seems kind of mean even if it's truthful.

What would you do?

Just say your daughter likes to play a variety of games what did she have in mind . If mum says ‘ school ‘ say your daughter wants to try something different . Then go around and if ‘ school’ is on the agenda get your daughter to be assertive and say no I’m not playing school im playing xyz and ignore any bad reaction .

I'm not going to drag her against her will to the house for a playdate with the one child who she really does not want to be around. What does that teach her about autonomy?
I won't allow her to be rude to the child if they are playing out on the street at the same time but I'm also not going to force her into their house for a playdate

I don't understand why you think you'd have to drag her. My dd would know that sometimes you have to go where your mum goes, even if it isn't your favourite thing.

“Thanks for the invite, I’ll pop over for a coffee when I haven’t got DD with me as the girls play styles are very different.
At the moment my DD doesn’t want another play date but let me know when is a good time for you for us to have a catch up”

So my daughter who does now have an autism diagnosis was just like ndn girl at that age (has improved slightly in her play skills now she is older) what worked for us at that age with friends kids was taking them to do something together where there was structure so there wasn't a play element so going to do mini golf, nature trail, activity at library etc. That might work in terms of spending time together of you wanted to (but get why you wouldn't)

I know you’ve already said that you won’t force which I think is the right thing. I’m really surprised that other posters are advocating for you to force her to go over - I thought we had moved past the times where we put kids in difficult situations just so someone else isn’t sad or upset.

it’s crap and awkward for you but I think you’re going to have to say to the mom that they don’t seem to be enjoying playing together so best give it some time. Whether you wanted to offer play dates with the younger DD is up to you.

Do what you would prefer done in reverse. If I messaged someone and they kept making excuses or didn't reply I'd be very upset and think it was personal or something I did wrong. Be honest. Say 'unfortunately it isn't really working out with the kids, they are interested in different things and my DD isn't really into playing school with X anymore. Maybe when they move onto the next phase they'll find something in common again' I think its up to the mother to follow it up, if she says oh they can play a different game then you could tell her that honestly her dd isn't open to playing other games and that's why things have become difficult. But I wouldn't say that now it might sound like you are insulting her. I think it would be helpful is you mention the school thing as it might trigger the mum to investigate a bit, rather than saying nothing at all about it.

I think several of us just don't understand tmhow doing as asked is being forced. Most children wouldn't expect to be able to dictate just because she doesn't fancy it. If she says she doesn't want to school should op let her stay off in case she feels 'forced'.

So the mother must be aware of the problem - she's seen it, right, just as you have?

I'd probably start with @TheLightSideOfTheMoon 's suggestion, that
"they have a very different style of play and don’t really vibe with each other". But I think I'd probably continue with just what that 'different style' means. e.g. 'your eldest wants to call all the shots with the other two, dictating the game and how it's played - that's what's not working, and it's making my Cassie not want to play with her at all'.

I know that sounds unkind, but unkind-now really would be the kindest thing you could say for the long run. "The mum told me that in school she will play alone and that she doesn't have any friends." Giving the mum the heads-up as to WHY that might be would be better for her daughter than just sweeping it under the carpet. Give the mum a chance to work on the root of the problem.

She probably isn’t ND. She’s just the eldest and wants to boss everyone around. She’s may be bossy at school too, hence no friends.

I would simply say to the neighbour, dd is struggling being bossed around when playing the school game, so she’s telling me she’d rather stay at home :(

This tells your friend to sort out her bossy dd in a diplomatic way.

I think we all expect the ability to choose our friends.
School isn't a choice its a legal requirement, attending a playdate with a child you really dislike is not a legal requirement. Hope this helps.

Well you can, she is 6. She can't exactly stay home alone while you pop next door. Whether you should make her is another matter.

You could say something like I'd love to catch up but I don't think the girls have really hit it off. How about popping round for a cuppa after dinner instead?

Or meet up but keep it to a preplanned and supervised activity, eg sat at a table, where everyone has their own supplies and they are working alongside each other. We used to keep multipack craft sets in for this kind of thing, hama beads, shrinkles, bracelet kits - I am probably showing my age. It's not just supervising more but setting up the structure for them to reduce flashpoints. They are still little and learning to manage these social situations. It seems early to give up.

I'd not be so direct I don't think. I wouldn't really want to hear from another person that my child wasn't liked. So I wouldn't try and explain it. It might be the coward's way out but I'd just keep on being busy.

There's a point where everyone has to get the hint. It might take longer this way but it seems less awkward in some ways.

The children could change, it might be that in future they will organically be friends. I wouldn't encourage my kid to shun hers fully. But she doesn't need to be free for playdates.

I don't think you need to be rude, I'm only trying to help you understand that it isn't forcing her, it's just her doing as she's told, which is quite another matter. I shall wish you the best of luck with your situation and in helping your daughter learn how to manage such situations.

“Sorry playdates are not working for us anymore. dd doesnt like to play the same games as your okder dd, and when they try to play something else your dd gets upset. “

your neighbour can then have a chat with her oldest daughter about this as it sounds like it’s impacting her ability to maintain friendships

If you get on well with the mum, I’d go round and speak to her. Say, nicely, that your dd is struggling with the rigid style of play that her older dd prefers. See if her younger dd could pop round to yours so that the two who get on well aren’t rubbing the older one’s nose in it, and she (the mum) can do something nice with her instead?

There is also the point that it may well not be as simple as one child being inflexible and the other not liking it. None of them will have perfect social skills at this age. One of mine used to complain endlessly about his friend's inflexibility but I think he struggled with it because he was so set on what he wanted to play himself.

It’s really alarming that you think this is normal parenting. School is mandatory. Going to play with a child you don’t like isn’t. And no decent parent would pretend otherwise.

This sounds like an opportunity for your DD to understand that people are different. You can support her disregard of people who don’t play the way she wants them to - or you can encourage her to try finding different ways to connect.

in life she’ll come across all sorts of people who behave in these ways - do you want her to just refuse to engage with all of them?

Either way you can’t just ignore the mum. Either you’ll have to attend the play date or be straight with her that your DD doesn’t want to play

If you say so.

Exactly.

“We are going next door for a bit now as I want to see my friend. You can either play with the other kids or you can take a book or some colouring to do while we are there. If “x” asks you to play and you don’t want to, you can say no thank you “x” I’m not playing that game right now”.

You’re the adult, so you decide where she goes. Kids (and adults) have to sometimes go places they don’t want to. What if she didn’t want to go to the dentist would you stop all appointments to avoid “forcing” her?

I'm really shocked at how many posters here think it's OK for the OP to force / cajole / order her daughter to play with someone she doesn't like.

I would suggest you meet at your own house. The child may be less territorial in someone else's house.

You need to try to get the girls to get along. If you are neighbors they will be in each others lives. the children are so young, too young to decide they do not like a person and cant ever have a relationship with them. Fair enough don't force it, but similarly don't think it cant work either.

Then just say, "I'd love to come over but DD doesn't want to. I can't persuade her. So sorry!"

just leave it at that. No need to upset the poor mum and her kid by saying DD doesn't want to be friends with her!!!

What would you do as an adult? You'd turn down the invite, not say "sorry I don't want to be friends with you!" 😂😂