DS10 said his birthday was rubbish because I didn’t get him one decent present

[Dizevan]

DS turned 10 yesterday and this morning before school he told me his birthday was rubbish. Apparently I should have got him one good present instead of a load of things he didnt actually want.

I spent about £110 altogether which is a lot for me. I got him a football, a football shirt, a lego set he’d mentioned wanting and a couple of smaller bits. Got his favourite cake as well and let him choose what we had for tea. Nothing amazing but I thought it was a decent birthday and he’d seemed happy enough opening everything yesterday.

The thing is he wants a Switch 2. Has been going on about it for months because one of his friends got one for his birthday a few months ago. He knew he wasnt getting one though because I’d already told him I couldnt afford it. He didnt even ask for one for his actual birthday this year, he’d asked for the other things I’d bought him, which is why I thought I’d done alright really.

This morning he was saying I should have just bought one decent thing rather than wasting money on stuff he didnt want. The lego was something he’d mentioned before and he played with it yesterday so I dont know if he genuinely didnt want any of it or if he’s just annoyed about the Switch.

I’m not expecting him to be over the moon with everything I buy him and I know he’s only 10, but I was quite hurt by it. I’d put money aside for weeks and tried to get him things he’d like. I cant just magic up the money for a Switch because someone at school has one.

His dad hasnt contributed to his presents this year either but thats a separate issue really and I wasnt expecting him to.

I dont want to make him feel bad for being disappointed but I also dont want him thinking birthdays are rubbish unless he gets something expensive. Am I expecting too much gratitude at 10? Would you have a word with him after school or just leave it?

What was the tone of how he spoke to you, OP?

I remember being that age and having disappointment around birthdays. Looking back it was more to do with the big build up not living up to expectations. Guess what ... I was just growing up. Life isn't like on TV (or social media).

So if he was expressing his feelings of disappointment in a clumsy way which made you feel put out then you can discuss that manner of communication with him.

However, if he was stroppy and rude about the effort you had made then you need to be firmer in being grateful and I would seriously consider sending at least one of the presents back. If he's acting like this now then the teenage years will be hard!

Hm, weird that he was fine then disappointed later.

I’d discuss it with him. I’d ask what had changed as he seemed happy on the day. I’d then tell him what your budget is for Christmas and birthday presents, and get him to be as specific as possible - within that budget - in future.

I’d probably end by pointing out that if he got you a present and you were that blunt, he’d probably be quite upset. Kids don’t see their parents as people with feelings sometimes and have to be reminded!

My mum loves gift giving and is generally good at it, but she got me some really weird stuff from time to time. I would never have said I was disappointed though as I’d have known she’d be upset!

The more I think about it, birthdays and Christmas are recipes for disaster. I always think when expectations are low outcomes are generally good - but kids expectations are often so high, and the surprise element is stressful!!

Yes, last season 3rd, people will say something.

I think you’ve just reached the age where they do care about the right stuff and the knock off headphones and last year’s 3rd team shirt must have been really disappointing, in a way they wouldn’t be to a younger kid that wouldn’t know the difference. And quite possibly he didn’t realise that until he spoke to his mates, which is a shame, but it’s a pretty common shift during the preteen years. He hasn’t conveyed it in the right way at all, and yes he’s been rude and ungrateful but I think you should listen to what he’s telling you, whilst also having words about the way he’s spoken to you. Then realistically set expectations for Christmas.

My mum is like you - she thinks quantity over quality is important. All of us were like your son. We would have preferred one quality gift we actually wanted rather than a load of tat that we didn't. Is there a reason you didn't listen to him about the headphones? He told you the ones he wanted but you got cheaper ones and then a load of stuff he didn't want - why? It's his birthday - surely your thoughts should have been about what he wanted rather than how you felt giving it?

This is such a hard one because 100% he should have been more grateful but then reading the comments and seeing it wasn’t a football shirt he would want to wear and it wasn’t headphones in a brand he wanted I can imagine more than not getting one thing if all the other things aren’t what you wanted either it could get disappointing. This is something I also grapple with every birthday and Christmas because I am in a position to give my kids everything they ask for for birthday and Christmas but I do think kids these days have an lifestyle they want that isn’t possible for a lot of families and I don’t want to massively feed into that.
ultimately you done what you could and you are an amazing mum for that. Christmas isn’t far away though so I do think a conversation needs to be had on what is realistic with him and does he just want money/only one thing etc

My son asked for a Switch last Christmas, they’re very expensive so it became a three-way gift and came from me and both sets of grandparents. Is that something you could think about for Christmas? Why isn’t his father contributing?

Quite - but we just don't live in that world anymore so it's not helpful.

So talk to him. Take some of the stuff back and put it towards a second hand Switch which is his birthday and Christmas present.

I would absolutely be sitting him down and letting him know how his words have hurt you and that it’s fine to be disappointed with presents but you generally keep that to yourself if you know someone put effort into getting you something.

I keep seeing TikTok’s from young adults claiming their parents were bad parents for having kids whilst not being rich and being able to give them the standard of living they think they deserve. It doesn’t seem to be enough that they’re housed, clothed,fed and loved, they want cars, phones, holidays and to be provided for right into their 20s. It’s quite disgusting really.

Ouch. Kids that age can be vile. I'm sorry he was so thoughtless.

I'd make a point of telling him how hurtful his words are, and then form a plan with him to get the Switch2. What can he sell? Could he clean cars for a bit of extra money? Save his pocket money? Ask for money from everyone at Christmas?

It's fine for him to want one big thing. That thing has to be affordable. He needs to understand that.

It's also fine to want a Switch2, and know it's out of budget - so how do we work together to bring into reach? Because it isn't going to spawn in out of thin air.

Much love to you - imo you did GOOD and he's just being a brat. I say 'just' - you do need to talk to him about how his words made you feel.

I think spending £42 on last seasons third shirt was probably a mistake. I only buy my children one main present for their birthday and they might get a few other little bits like a book and a pack of percy pigs. I also don't buy super expensive presents like consoles or gaming laptops, for those they have to save up birthday, Christmas and pocket money. However, I do make sure to get one thing they really want so I would spend £80 on the right football shirt or lego set even if I think it is a ridiculous waste of money.

Money was very tight when I was a child. From the age of 8, this is how Christmas worked: we were given the amount of money available (it was £5 for years! I'm in my 60s...) and told to choose UP to that amount from grandma's catalogue. Nothing else was going to arrive. Birthday was one gift up to the value of £1 - when I was 10, I got roller skates.

Brother and I understood this and would not have dreamed of complaining, because we knew there just wasn't money to spare.

I wouldn't get my 10 year old a gaming device full stop, nothing to do with the cost. I think you should've bought him the items he wanted though - the right shirt and headphones.

I mean you've said you don't get why it matters it's last season's 3rd. But it does matter to HIM. And you should have bothered to find out and get him what he wanted surely?

Thats very weird to me.

Im not sure where you got the idea that the OP git a knock off headphones. She git good headphones that work.

The 3rd team shirt, last year… again the child got a football shirt from his favorite team.

Where is this idea that everything has to be top off ie the best brand, this year football shirt etc… and anything else is shit/not good enough fur a present?

I mean many less known or unknown brand are better than the very known brand esp fur headphones.
This year football Tshirt will be outdated in a few months.

Sorry but I can’t go behind that

Good advice @Dizevan

Only if you know 3rd team Tshirt exist. I discovered that on this thread……

That’s tough OP but I do want to echo the others who’ve mentioned you getting the cheaper brand/shirt as I think you would have had a different response from him if he had less but what he wanted. You’re dismissive ‘I don’t know the difference between the shirts - just got the one I can afford’ ‘didn’t think brand of headphones would matter’ when really what you should have done was asked which shirt he wanted and bought the headphones he wanted subject to what money you then had available to buy

its a bit like asking someone for a specific handbag and they go to the shop next door and get something similar but it’s not the same!

however, he does need to understand that everyone has different budgets and that you made an effort to get him the things he has previously asked for and tried to maximise that. As a pp said, can you talk to him about that and about how you could try and get the switch second hand by saving up/doing jobs etc etc? Maybe ask if he wants you to return some of the stuff (assuming you can) to start the savings pot off).

it might also make him appreciate that £100 is actually quite difficult to achieve!!

I would tell him. No bother, let's bag up all the presents and donate to them to greatful kids instead. Your kid is spoilt.

Akso I doubt it had any positive effects either

I think it’s fine to sometimes be a bit disappointed as a kid, I remember times where I got something that wasn’t quite right or I had hoped for something else. But I never would have said that to my mum or whoever got me it, I pretended to be delighted. So it might be time for a conversation about gratitude in the first instance but also an opportunity to amend your strategy for the future now you know.

Two things can be simultaneously true: he hasn’t behaved very nicely but also your gift-giving hasn’t hit the mark. I agree that the ‘right’ thing is sometimes more important than ticking off lots of things with cheaper versions. While to us the brand of headphones might not be important, to kids approaching teen years it very much is, in some cases it’s the whole point. Same with football shirts - I am not into football but I assume the latest shirt is generally the most coveted and the main shirt they wear at home or away is preferable too.

So it’s like he’s got what he asked for in function but versions that weren’t what he wanted in spirit.

If he had been asking for a Switch 2 for months I think I’d have worked it into my budget to save up.

I hate tat and filler presents too.

Gather up all the gifts and return them.

I'm on the fence with this. He shouldn't have been so blunt but he's a 10 year old at the end of the day. He's still learning how to express himself. However some of the disappointment could have been overcome by you using basic listening skills and thoughfulness. I am not a football mum or a boy mum but I'd still know not to buy last season's shirt as a gift.... and if he asked for a specific brand of headphones then you should have either bought those or spoken to him to aleviate disappointment. We can't always get exactly what they want but I think it's best to set expectations if it's unrealistic. My dd has asked for a specific influencer brand of skincare for xmas. A basic gift set would cost over £100. No way am I getting it her but I've already set that expectation and when I explained the maths to her she agreed that the Boots alternative would be just fine. I wouldn't let her get to xmas day expecting what she'd asked for and not getting it though. That's setting her up for disappointment