DS10 said his birthday was rubbish because I didn’t get him one decent present

[Dizevan]

DS turned 10 yesterday and this morning before school he told me his birthday was rubbish. Apparently I should have got him one good present instead of a load of things he didnt actually want.

I spent about £110 altogether which is a lot for me. I got him a football, a football shirt, a lego set he’d mentioned wanting and a couple of smaller bits. Got his favourite cake as well and let him choose what we had for tea. Nothing amazing but I thought it was a decent birthday and he’d seemed happy enough opening everything yesterday.

The thing is he wants a Switch 2. Has been going on about it for months because one of his friends got one for his birthday a few months ago. He knew he wasnt getting one though because I’d already told him I couldnt afford it. He didnt even ask for one for his actual birthday this year, he’d asked for the other things I’d bought him, which is why I thought I’d done alright really.

This morning he was saying I should have just bought one decent thing rather than wasting money on stuff he didnt want. The lego was something he’d mentioned before and he played with it yesterday so I dont know if he genuinely didnt want any of it or if he’s just annoyed about the Switch.

I’m not expecting him to be over the moon with everything I buy him and I know he’s only 10, but I was quite hurt by it. I’d put money aside for weeks and tried to get him things he’d like. I cant just magic up the money for a Switch because someone at school has one.

His dad hasnt contributed to his presents this year either but thats a separate issue really and I wasnt expecting him to.

I dont want to make him feel bad for being disappointed but I also dont want him thinking birthdays are rubbish unless he gets something expensive. Am I expecting too much gratitude at 10? Would you have a word with him after school or just leave it?

Responses to this thread will depend on whether the poster works with loads of kids in any capacity, or not, for at least a decade, and have either witnessed - or not witnessed- the outrageous decline in behaviour as a cohort. Those who are seeing first hand what this generation of parenting is resulting in, will have an entirely different view on this to those who don’t.

Although he was rude, I sort of understand the one ‘decent thing’ comment after this update because my DM used to do the same thing of finding a version of the thing I wanted but never actually buying the thing I’d asked for.
Whether we like it or not brands become a ‘thing’ for a lot of kids around this age and it lasts for a few years and kids can spot the ‘Temu version’ a mile away.
I still remember having to fake being grateful for my 2 stripe knock off market popper joggers when all I wanted was to have the Adidas ones and be able to fit in (or at least not stand out/be a target).

So what he actually means is he would have liked the new football shirt or the right headphones, not two things that are similar to what he wanted but not what he wanted. Things like wearing last seasons football shirt matters to young boys.
I would speak to him about not being grateful and how you thought you'd done the right thing, but that in future perhaps you can be more open about the budget and choose him what he wants exactly- even if it is just 1 thing.

I would tell him the following

1. You spent weeks saving for what he got
2. You went out of your way to spend wisely on what he liked
3. thank you is the correct response to gifts
4. now he is older, he can choose his gifts within your budget but there is no element of surprise in that
5. hug and move on

Reminds me of my dad. If my sister and I wanted something branded, we generally got the unbranded equivalent or nothing. We came to expect it, so we weren't disappointed.

My dad thought almost everything not actually necessary for human survival was 'a waste of money'. This was the 1980s so it was generally things from cheap brands such as 'Tandy' that we got. They usually did the same thing as the branded ones, in fairness.

I'd definitely speak to him. But it might not have been about the switch. Personally, I'd rather just the headphones I actually wanted, or the football shirt I want rather than cheaper versions of both items. He was rude in the way he's expressed it (because he's a kid) but I can see where he's coming from.

Why didn’t you get him the new season football shirt and nothing else? You could have with your budget, and he’d have had what he wanted instead of a less good version that isn’t actually what he wanted. Same with the headphones - you could have just got him the headphones.

He’s telling you that he doesn’t want a pile of gifts that are all “almost” what he asked for, when he could have at least got one thing that was exactly what he wanted and would fit in with other kids better. Why is it wrong for him to say that? He said it very badly, and rudely but he is 10. Talk to him, help him with how to express this need without being rude. But you need to listen as well. He doesn’t want a pile of presents if they are knock offs/out of season. He just wants one good thing.

What about extended family? Or does he only get gifts from you? If he only gets from you then he really isn’t getting anything like what his friends will be getting and that is really touch for a child. As an adult we can call it ungrateful and entitled, but for a child it’s just difficult. Talk to him and help him with how to express himself, and also with learning to remember that he needs to try and be grateful when people try their best.

In future though, ask him for the actual thing he wants and if it’s in budget, get it. Don’t get a cheap version of it just so you can buy a few more things.

I’m a retired secondary teacher. I retired three years ago

my kids are now grown up.

for teenagers in general brands are so, so important. This was true when I was young (and everyone wanted shell suits and head bags) and it’s still true now.

it sounds like your dc had stuff he wanted and you got him not quite what he wanted.

like a husband buying a random perfume rather than the one his wife actually wears, or a wife buying a cheap Chinese sports watch rather than the branded one the husband actually wants.

i mean you can do that. But it’s not what he wanted, it’s not what was on his list and while some people might feign gratitude nobody is really grateful in these situations.

if he’s gone to the trouble of writing a list you should stick to it.

@Friendlygingercat if my sons said that to me they would be given a stern talking to.

This

He didnt specify what shirt he wanted, I didnt even know what season it was from or why that would matter tbh. I’ve seen other people wearing that shirt so just because its last seasons doesnt mean its outdated does it.

He wouldnt have been happy with just a football shirt anyway, this is about the switch 2. Today apparently he would have rather had one present which was the switch but he didnt ask for that on his birthday list because he knew I couldnt afford it. I got the things he actually asked for and thought he’d like them.

I do understand what you’re saying about asking him but I did ask him and bought what he wanted within my budget. I cant spend money I havent got and I dont think its fair to say he was hard done by because he got a different brand of headphones and a football shirt that wasnt this seasons.

But way to make a mum feel shit about the presents she bought her child 👍

I'm a long-serving secondary school teacher and think you're talking nonsense, if that helps.

So was the OP's son, actually. I don't expect anyone to agree with me but I think his behaviour was appalling.

OP, I am so sorry. This kind of attitude from children is particularly wounding when you have tried hard to make their birthday feel special.

I think you should tell him that what he said was hurtful to you. You're not doing your job as a parent if you don't. He might agree with you that it was the wrong thing to say, and he might not mean it. I think it is also worth asking him to tell you politely what he does mean.

It might be that a calm conversation can discuss why your budget can't stretch to the switch 2 and work out a way of making sure, very much within your budget, he does get something he appreciates for Christmas/next birthday and remembers to convey that appreciation to you.

When kids sound really rude like this, especially if it is a bit out of character, it definitely needs redirecting but also a lot of anguish can be spared on both sides by finding out what he does want and seeing if that is an option.

I don't think his father's contribution is his issue. At least his Dad isn't getting a massive present that you feel you need to match. I think that would be equally aggravating. It isn't DS's fault who contributes to what and he doesn't need to be thinking about why his dad isn't paying for things when other dads might be.

I kind of feel for him because it's a bit rubbish when you really want something and you get the 'almost' version. But he needs to know how to express it better and not come across as rude and ungrateful.

It must feel like you cant win though OP especially if his dad isnt contributing and presumably doesnt have to deal with this sort of thing.

I blame social media/youtube. There are so many videos of people unboxing their collection of the latest fad, that kids think those things should be accessible to everyone. They don’t understand that these ‘influencers’ are being supplied with free stuff to promote on their channel. It’s all ‘I’ve just spent £1000’s on this skincare haul from Sephora, open it with me’ crap that gives them a false idea of what things cost

The thing is he wants a Switch 2. Has been going on about it for months

Maybe you should have managed his expectations a bit better on balance? He clearly still had hope he’d get one. If it was a no go from the start, you should have shut that down months ago and continued that message.

They werent the exact brand he wanted

At school I used to get teased badly for not having the right ‘make’ but a market knock off instead. At that age it can be hard to reconcile your parents' means with peers expecting you to have the premier brand. They sneer and laugh at you.

He is 10 so old enough to know how money works. You can’t give him what you haven’t got. Explain that other children he knows may very well have these things but your circumstances are different. He needs to know that his future income will depend on getting a job that pays well so that he can afford the things in life he wants because they do not come for free. Tell him you are doing your best to provide for him but there is no secret pot of money for luxuries.

Kids do reach an age where they want to choose their own presents and it does sound like he is at that point.

he’s not going to care less about brands as he gets older, he’s going to care more.

just give him cash.

honestly, he’ll be much happier, you’ll be much happier, win-win.

The headphones are for him to talk to his friends while gaming, he wont be taking them into school so I doubt he’s going to get teased over the brand tbh. They work and they’re better than his old ones which he kept telling me were cutting out all the time.

I get that he might have preferred the exact ones he asked for but I couldnt see the point in spending more just for a different brand when these do the same thing. I wasnt trying to get him a cheap knock off of everything, I was trying to get him things he wanted without spending more than I could afford.

Chanelling my inner Clinton baptiste
I'm getting the word "brat"

He's not a very nice little boy, I'm sorry to say.

There's a lesson there about learning to be grateful for what you have. I would have a quiet word with him for being rude and thoughtless about the effort, thought and care you put into his birthday.

Remind him what he should be grateful for, and if indeed he does want one decent thing in future, then perhaps there could be a realistic discussion before his birthday (I'd do xmas while you're at it) so he is aware of what the budget is for that decent thing and what he could possibly want.

Well I’ve been a teacher for 27 years and I’d be inclined to give a minute to consider the subtext here.

I’m certain you did what you thought was best, but try to listen to what he’s saying. He’s fed up that he hadn’t got what some of his friends have. I bet you’re fed up sometimes as well that you haven’t got what some of your friend’s have got. I’m not saying he’s right to be rude. I know I’m fed up that I can’t afford things my friends can, sometimes. I’m 62 though so know how to rationalise it.

Last season’s third strip, come on you’ve got to see how depressing that is (sorry, I know it wasn’t cheap). A fake first team one might have been possible?

I wonder if he’s actually upset that his shitty dad doesn’t bother to get him anything. Are you taking the brunt about that, I wonder?

Have a chat later. Would he rather have had a joint birthday and Christmas present maybe, of one good thing? That might be something to think about for next year and with Christmas coming up you can agree about that. Of course he then might complain about only having one thing, which is where my patience would wear thin!

Why are you worrying about his disappointment? You should be worried about his manners! He can't talk to people like that!
(My DC would have told me, politely, they would prefer things done in a different way. Because I taught them how to behave. - of course they are rude sometimes, but they are learning to be civilised adults)