DS10 said his birthday was rubbish because I didn’t get him one decent present

[Dizevan]

DS turned 10 yesterday and this morning before school he told me his birthday was rubbish. Apparently I should have got him one good present instead of a load of things he didnt actually want.

I spent about £110 altogether which is a lot for me. I got him a football, a football shirt, a lego set he’d mentioned wanting and a couple of smaller bits. Got his favourite cake as well and let him choose what we had for tea. Nothing amazing but I thought it was a decent birthday and he’d seemed happy enough opening everything yesterday.

The thing is he wants a Switch 2. Has been going on about it for months because one of his friends got one for his birthday a few months ago. He knew he wasnt getting one though because I’d already told him I couldnt afford it. He didnt even ask for one for his actual birthday this year, he’d asked for the other things I’d bought him, which is why I thought I’d done alright really.

This morning he was saying I should have just bought one decent thing rather than wasting money on stuff he didnt want. The lego was something he’d mentioned before and he played with it yesterday so I dont know if he genuinely didnt want any of it or if he’s just annoyed about the Switch.

I’m not expecting him to be over the moon with everything I buy him and I know he’s only 10, but I was quite hurt by it. I’d put money aside for weeks and tried to get him things he’d like. I cant just magic up the money for a Switch because someone at school has one.

His dad hasnt contributed to his presents this year either but thats a separate issue really and I wasnt expecting him to.

I dont want to make him feel bad for being disappointed but I also dont want him thinking birthdays are rubbish unless he gets something expensive. Am I expecting too much gratitude at 10? Would you have a word with him after school or just leave it?

Off topic but seasonal shirts is such a scam.

What happens to the old season shirts? Landfill? They're too plasticky to sleep in.

He's just a little kid. He'll go through it when he has his own kids.

From my own experience, what I as a kid was that my parents didn't really know me. I still hate presents because I associate them with disappointment.

If he wants a switch talk to him about how you can save - over 100 on his birthday could have been put into savings instead. He’s old enough to be having those discussions

and take back what you can

.

She should stick to it even though she couldn’t afford it? Surprising attitude for a teacher!

Her reply was not petulant. She knows her son better than you, he wouldn't have been happy with just a shirt.

That really stings, I'm sorry. £110 is a very generous spend, and please don't let his school-run bluntness rewrite that. He got things he actually asked for, his favourite cake, and he chose the tea. That is a good birthday, even if he can't see it right now.

My honest two cents from someone who has spent a lot of time digging out of debt: the worst thing you could do is put a Switch 2 on a credit card to try to make the hurt go away. Guilt spending never really lands anyway, and a console that costs the best part of £500 with games is exactly the kind of thing that turns one rough morning into a rough six months. If it is something he truly wants, make it a Christmas goal he can save towards with birthday money.

At ten a lot of this is peer pressure, not a verdict on your parenting. Tell him plainly you can't afford it right now and that his words hurt. He will come round.

I would have been called an ungrateful sod. That said kids don’t really seem to get the value of money these days

I think the timing of it is interesting - he was happy yesterday at home, and he raised it this morning, presumably as he was about to go to school and maybe be asked what he got? I think it can be hard at that age: he might not feel able to say ‘ X says my presents are shit and that makes me feel bad’ or ‘Y laughed and rolled his eyes when I said what I got’ because he knows you’ll either tell them they’re opinions don’t matter or start to dislike his mates. It’s easier and safer to lash out at you.

I do think if you’re spending that kind of money and a switch is something he really likes it might be worth sitting down and talking to him about whether he’d be happy with something second hand and how that could be achieved. But sometimes kids get grumpy and lash out and it doesn’t mean they’re always monsters.

£110 is a lot anyway for a birthday gift.

I’d explain it all to him and if he still feels hard done by, I’d return the unused gifts and tell him to sell the used gifts and start saving for a switch himself. I wouldn’t be giving him the money for the returned gifts towards it though given how ungrateful he is.

I have a 9 year old DD that is currently saving up for a Switch 2 so I get it. I think I would sit him down and tell him that his comments hurt your feelings because you had put thought into what he might like and even if gifts aren't quite right it is rude and ungrateful to speak that way to someone that has given you a present. 10 year olds can be thoughtless sometimes but they are old enough for you to calmly explain a few home truths.

I would tell him exactly what a Switch 2 costs and ask which of his presents he would like you to return so that he can put that money towards saving up for one. He may surprise you and say none when faced with that choice, or he may decide he really does want to save towards the Switch and then that's fine too.

He is telling her he wants one decent thing rather than a few that are just off the mark. She isn’t listening. She also isn’t listening to the dozens of posts from mums of boys saying the same thing. They don’t want an old season shirt, they don’t want knock off items. They’d rather have the one good thing.

Especially if they don’t get much. This boy has a dad who doesn’t give him anything, and I’m guessing not much pocket money, no response form OP about extended family. He’s from a poor household and doesn’t get much. A lot of kids are - that isn’t a problem in itself and there is no shame in it. But for his birthday, he is telling his mum that he wants one good thing instead of half a dozen knock offs and out of date memorabilia. Maybe she should listen.

I think he does. He didn’t ask for the switch as he knew it wouldn’t happen. And he is telling her he wants one good thing with the budget she has instead of half a dozen knock offs. He does understand there is a budget, he just wants her to use it more wisely on one good thing.

THIS!! That is a VERY expensive present - even if you can afford it! He needs some expectation managment at this stage!

The child may have been a little ungrateful but some of the language from supposed adults and parents on this thread to describe him is disgusting.

The older I get, the more convinced I become that gift-giving and receiving is so much more pleasurable for all involved if you let go of the idea that everything needs to be a surprise - not least because there are dozens of thread here every Christmas and Mother's Day from disappointed women who treating gift-giving as some kind of referendum on their relationships. A ten-year-old is old enough for a frank conversation about their list: 'OK DS, you've asked for these expensive headphones and this season's City shirt. The combined cost of those items is £X and that's out of budget. I've found these cheaper headphones and last season's third team shirt. You can have both items but the slightly cheaper versions, or you can have just one of them but have exactly the one you wanted. Which would you prefer?' etc etc. If the gifts are still in a returnable condition then you can have this conversation right now in relation to this birthday.

He didn’t ask for the switch. He got what he asked for but not quite - that’s disappointing

this is a Great opportunity to sit him down and explain about money tbh

dd only really started to get it when we started comparing prices to the minimum wage so - however many hours worked to buy x. She’s actually really good now with her pocket money and the clothes she buys

At 10 he is old enough to know that if he wants something expensive , that will be only gift he will be getting ( or less).

Whilst he may come across as entitled, he has a point about how it may have been better to get one decent gift. He wanted a football shirt and some headphones, you could have got him the current season shirt, most kids won't want the old season kit. He asked for a specific brand of headphones but you got a cheaper alternative. Brands matter to kids when they get older, rightly or wrongly. I would have stuck to the budget but if it only meant getting the football shirt , or headphones, then that's what he would be getting.

Spoilt brat behaviour!

It's not as simple as that, OP knows he wouldn't have been happy with a shirt.

This is about not getting the Switch. Even if OP had got the current season shirt, he would have been unhappy.

Social media is placing too much expectations on kids and their parents.

Typical MN, a 10 year old boy is expected to display unflinching emotional maturity despite being likely mercilessly teased by his mates for last seasons' shirt yet God forbid a MIL buys her DIL a generic version of what she wanted. The accusations of undermining, game playing and devious intention would abound with recommendations that she gift it back the next year.

@Dizevan
You have 'a word' with him and explain you're not the daughter of a millionaire who then in turn married a trillionaire
He has to learn that you did the best you could with the funds you had
And that his father did zilch
If he still has the attitude he's got
And won't apologise for being so ungrateful
Take the presents away to a charity shop/kiddies hospital ward
They'd be appreciated there I'm sure
And if he wants a switch that much
He can start saving himself cant he??

That must have been pretty hurtful and it sounds like you really did think of what he enjoys when you chose the presents he had.

I'd say have a calm conversation with you so you can both feel listened to.

He needs to know that you wanted to give him things he likes but if he doesn't want them, you will return them and you'd like to know what he'd have wanted instead.

I hear that he knew the switch was too expensive. Does he know what a huge difference between the price of a new switch and what he actually received is? They're nearly £400 aren't they?

He's old enough too to have a chat about why we give presents, how it's polite and kind to behave in a grateful way while still being honest about your preferences.

My husband once bought me a truly ugly coat for my birthday. He'd heard me talking with my mum about needing a new coat so it had come from a good place BUT it was in a colour that looks awful on me, it was in the wrong size, and it would not have fitted my then pregnant belly in for the whole of the winter. That's why I'd been talking with my mum about a new coat. Also, if he'd paid full attention he'd have noticed we were talking about it because we went shopping together to try on coats because that's what she was buying me. Anyway, I said thank you, tried it on and said "it doesn't really fit, do you mind if I swap it for something else" and he really didn't. It was from Asda so I used the refund to buy some CDs and books I wanted and a box of chocolate.

Your son needs to hear that it's OK to feel disappointed but the way he communicated it wasn't OK.

My teenager's going on an expensive school trip this year so he knows his Christmas presents will be the gear we've bought for that. When his older siblings turned 17 we'd prewarned them that they'd not be getting a car for their birthdays because so many kids that age do and it's just not something we can afford,

Also, I saw you say "nothing amazing" but what you got him really was the right stuff to get him - you've watched and listened and you know him and that's really what birthdays are about. It doesn't sound like you went wild and bought him something he'd not be interested in so please don't beat yourself up about it too much.

Some people care about brands. Others don’t. OP’s son is clearly one of those that do, even if it’s a recent development that has been influenced by his mates. He cares. It’s his birthday. It’s totally fair enough if he’d rather have one thing that is actually what he asked for- the specific headphones, the football shirt he actually sees his team playing in or money towards the switch than loads of bits that are all cheap imitations of what he wanted. I think saying shit is harsh, OP has obviously tried but missed the mark, but shouldn’t a present be about what the recipient wants, not what you have overruled and declared just as good? The only way he’s been unreasonable, I think, is in how he’s spoken to OP. That really isn’t ok.

There has been an expensive, hard-to-find, must-have-toy for every generation since at least the late 70s. We can blame social media for plenty but not this.

Social media has made it egregiously worse.

In the 70-2000s, we weren't acutely aware of just how much other kids were getting.