DS10 said his birthday was rubbish because I didn’t get him one decent present

[Dizevan]

DS turned 10 yesterday and this morning before school he told me his birthday was rubbish. Apparently I should have got him one good present instead of a load of things he didnt actually want.

I spent about £110 altogether which is a lot for me. I got him a football, a football shirt, a lego set he’d mentioned wanting and a couple of smaller bits. Got his favourite cake as well and let him choose what we had for tea. Nothing amazing but I thought it was a decent birthday and he’d seemed happy enough opening everything yesterday.

The thing is he wants a Switch 2. Has been going on about it for months because one of his friends got one for his birthday a few months ago. He knew he wasnt getting one though because I’d already told him I couldnt afford it. He didnt even ask for one for his actual birthday this year, he’d asked for the other things I’d bought him, which is why I thought I’d done alright really.

This morning he was saying I should have just bought one decent thing rather than wasting money on stuff he didnt want. The lego was something he’d mentioned before and he played with it yesterday so I dont know if he genuinely didnt want any of it or if he’s just annoyed about the Switch.

I’m not expecting him to be over the moon with everything I buy him and I know he’s only 10, but I was quite hurt by it. I’d put money aside for weeks and tried to get him things he’d like. I cant just magic up the money for a Switch because someone at school has one.

His dad hasnt contributed to his presents this year either but thats a separate issue really and I wasnt expecting him to.

I dont want to make him feel bad for being disappointed but I also dont want him thinking birthdays are rubbish unless he gets something expensive. Am I expecting too much gratitude at 10? Would you have a word with him after school or just leave it?

Do you think he's hurt that his father didn't bother to buy him anything (absolutely unforgivable) and he's taking it out on you?

Would the wireless headphones they wanted have been in your budget?

I would rather have less spent and get what I wanted than dupes.

Growing up, my parents would buy quantity over quality or what I wanted. They didn't see the value of a £10 nail varnish. I would have been happy with just that. They would buy a pile of things so it looked a lot. It went to waste.

You need to look at second-hand stuff, I think your son was rude, but at that age they don't know, I got mine second-hand switches from CEX, now they're teenagers, mobile phones and tablets are all second-hand.

Bless him 😢

Sorry OP, sit him down and explain. There's no shame in not having all that cash to spare - and this time he wants the Switch, next year what? An iphone? The list will be endless and he can't have it. For the record, sounded a lovely b'day.

If when he gets older, would he be able to cope with a Xmas/birthday combo to save up for something bigger? A lot of children say they would but in reality feel sore if they didn't get presents for one of those events!

He's valuing the current recognisable first choice top vs last seasons 3rd choice top.

A few years ago 3rd strips just weren't even a thing
Something at about £65 vs £42 that Op paid

Why is he gaming online at 10? I think that is a huge problem..

we have a switch and it’s offline play only for us (9 year old)

You've obviously got plenty to be able to give 40% of your Christmas budget away.

I certainly don't have that amount of money to give anything like 40% of my budget away

Kids know how to get you where it hurts. He might just think on it. Massive hug, I’m so sorry - parenting is hard xxx

You need to be having an honest conversation with him. But you also need to listen to him.

i suspect this is partly about his dad - did he even get a card from him? Christ, that must break his heart.

You need him to understand that he can’t be rude, that the budget is x this means he may only get one thing. You have to buy him the exact thing he asks for that is within budget. Not last seasons, a cheaper version etc. it matters to him.

My mum was like you - single parent, hard worker, little money. I’d learnt by 10 not to ask for what I wanted as we couldn’t afford it. She’d buy random “interesting stuff” that was not by taste I’d have been happy with a £10 dewberry set from the body shop. I’m sorry if I’m projecting but I was disappointed every Christmas as a tween/teen and had to fake happiness so she wasn’t upset. I’m in my late 40s now!

It's okay for a child to feel disappointment and to express it - it's uncomfortable for us parents to sit with our disappointed child and not try to fix it isn't it? It sounds like your DS remarks are coming from his peers (if he can't own up to actually wanting the better value gifts he actually asked for and you gave him) - maybe he also needs reminding that what you own doesn't make people like you!

My kids all went through a stage at about this age where birthdays are no longer the magical, surprise filled, excitement inducing things they once were. Especially when they realise they can’t have whatever they want. I know it can be hurtful when you’ve put lots of thought in, but try not to take it personally. It’s part of growing up. I would not accept rude or ungrateful behaviour but I’d work with him to manage his disappointment. Maybe together you can come up with a way to raise the money for the switch.

I dont really understand all these people who think he should have presents taken away.
We seem to have a real problem with children expressing how they feel.
He didn't say that his Mum was rubbish just that his birthday was and that he would have preferred to have one big present rather than several lesser.
OP I really feel for you. You tried so hard to get it right for him but it sounds as if each present was just that bit off which makes all the difference at that age and of course you have to remain in budget. It's hard to get it right sometimes but to reframe it's good that he can tell you how he feels rather than pretending. You have done well to have such a good relationship.

Hes allowed to be sad he didn't get the gift he wanted. Dont make him fake his feelings to please you at his age.

Once he gets over that he will make use of and love his presents. Dont micromanage his reactions at 10 years old.

There is a difference between faking feelings and just being rude, which it sounds as if OP's son was. That is where the problem lies.

I think one of the problems here is that by 10 most boys have a gaming device - its such a shame it really has come to dominate childhood.

Perhaps you could let him look at 2nd hand ones work out what they cost and have a think about how long it would take to save? and he could do a car boot sale or rummage in the house for stuff to sell?

You gave him a lovely birthday op - but I maybe wouldn't be hard on him as the gaming is a real peer orientated thing.

Just to add -= he will be a healthier kid for not having one! I regret so much how much my son has gamed since he got a switch - then a playstation - think he got the switch at about 9 or 10. I literally feel sick at how much he became obsessed its been an endless battle ever since.

so - while he might be sad now, I am sure the lego and football are a lot better for him in the long run.

From what OP said it sounds like he already has a gaming system of some sort

You’re focusing on the wrong thing - your apparent “failings” as a parent (you weren’t failing, by the way, but you seem to have convinced yourself you did, because your son said those hurtful words and it left you feeling wounded and ashamed.
You saved hard, you bought him what you could afford. You’re doing the best you can.
And in order to continue being a good parent, yes, you do need to explain to him that his words hurt you. Children need to hear that. He can feel disappointed, but you’re equally entitled to feel hurt Talking to him about this will make for a better relationship in the long run. He may not realise it upset you. Explain how much you sacrifice for him, and that you expect an apology. Then help him save for a second hand console, if that’s what he wants. Give him jobs around the house etc.

Your best gift as a parent will be to sit him down and have that talk with him in the hope that he will try not, in future, to be such a little toad.
He's old enough to know, as other PPs have said, that his words and his ingratitude hurt you, when you are & were trying to do your best.
The PP who said he's taking it out on you for the failure of his father to provide any sort of birthday gift probably has a very salient point.
I'm so sorry, OP, that your child has hurt you so. 💐

I'm mixed about this. One of my kids regularly complains about everything. Nothing is good enough and I get stressed from always being asked for more.

At the same time, I remember being very disappointed by presents I received as a kid. To be fair litte effort was made whereas I feel I make a huge effort for my kids who are still disappointed.

I didn't say how disappointed I was as a kid. It would have been hurtful and it wouldn't have changed anything whereas my kids have no problem telling me how disappointed they are.

Maybe its just an age thing. Loads of people are telling you to tell your child to be grateful. Thats easier said than done. We're allowed to be disappointed. We aren't allowed to deliberately hurt someone else's efforts.

I disagree with nearly every one on this thread.

Children want to fit in. It’s absolutely rubbish being the one who has the cheapest knock off stuff versus their friends.

He wants to fit in. He doesn’t want to say oh I got the 3rd strip of my team, a brand of headphones I didn’t want.

You can’t afford a switch ok, and he s telling you please just get me one thing.

Absolutely do not launch into a guilt trip on what you had to do to afford them. He isn’t responsible for your financial situation.

The choices you made also showed you actually don’t listen to him and don’t get him. That needs to change before he becomes a teen.

Talk to him and tell him you bought the presents because you genuinely thought he would like them, but going forward you will set a budget and he can pick what he would really like. I would say it’s ok to tell him your feeling are hurt because you wanted him to have a lovely day and the way he told you about his feelings could come across ungrateful.

Absolutely correct and I personally think that if this isn't treated with the seriousness that some on here are not attributing to it then OP will be doing a disservice to her DS!! 🙄
Although his casual unkindness and lack of respect for his Mum's love and thoughtfulness is bordering on entitled and selfish it also highlights a lack of understanding of the existence of these things so is a perfect and timely opportunity to give his little brain cells a stretch and educate him a little on how, when and why certain behaviours are just not acceptable! 😕

Perhaps you could have talked to him about if he prefers getting no gifts and money towards a switch? for example 100 for his bday, 100 for xmas to put towards a switch? And then he can slowly earn the rest. My eldest gets pocket money, but if she wants more she has to earn it via chore around the house.

He's being an entitled little shit. I'd be inclined to tell him this although perhaps not in those words.

Sorry OP. Mostly they grow up ok. I remember one year I sold my entire Willow Tree collection of ornaments to fund my daughters birthday gifts and then didn't buy her the "right" things. It was very upsetting to hear her being so ungrateful. But I made her understand that's what she was being. (Not with a hard slap.. or calling her a shit).

Shes 27 now and lovely.. and appalled at some of her past behaviour. There is hope OP