If the grandparents blocked you, would you allow contact?

[Loweffortnan]

About 18 months ago after 10 years with DP, I had my first fall out with a family member of his, his sister. Neither of his parents witnessed the initial argument which was her being incredibly disrespectful towards both myself and my partner. Essentially it came to light at the same time that the grandparents are moving away, with the sister nonetheless who displays pretty strong narcissistic tendencies.

The parents took her side, blocked me the next day, and despite DP's attempts to explain over time, favoured the sister and refused to take any accountability.

They haven't seen our kids (6 & 2) in this time and DP has not wanted contact with them as he has said he is so hurt by their actions and favouritism of the golden child (37 and still lived at home, btw!)

Our eldest, 6, has just started asking for his nanny. DP and I have agreed that he can have a call with her. We don't want to deny him since he's asking, but I am still blocked by both his mum and dad, so I'm uncomfortable with agreeing to them actually seeing the kids until they can demonstrate some basic respect for me as their mother. I don't care for apologies or a relationship with them, but how can I trust these people with my kids when they can't even be civil for their sake?

Thoughts ?

When was the last time the grandparents asked about the children or initiated contact with them?

I would not make the call. They are toxic and the fallout is not worth the relationship. How can you expect them to be civil to your child if they are so horrible to you?

So the grandparents have made no attempt to maintain a relationship with their grandchildren and not spoken their son or grandchildren for 18 months ?
Personally I wouldn’t be initiating contact but if it something your husband wants to try then I’d leave him to it but it doesn’t sound like it would end well especially as their actions indicate (from your side of this story) that they don’t give much of a shit about any of you.

They have not. When DP has tried explaining how he feels to his parents, they have said we used the kids as a "weapon" and that not a day goes by that they don't miss them. But they haven't once asked to sit down and talk it over or see the see the kids.

Mother in law in particular tends to talk as if this is something that has just happened to her, as if she has no control at all.

Nc with my ils...No way would they be seeing our dc ....

I think the dilemma we have is that our eldest had a good relationship with his grandmother, albeit with me facilitating the entire thing. This was part of the argument in the first instance. I was running the kids to theirs, an hour round trip, once or twice a week, with cake for nanny as well, but they rarely reciprocated but they were happy to run about after their adult daughter and her hobbies.

Still, our eldest loved his time with her so we are worried about him.

If his grandparents valued that time with him then they wouldn’t have allowed so much time to pass without even attempting to see him. Sad but true.

For what its worth we are NC with PIL but if they had been good grandparents and really wanted to see our children I wouldn’t have stood in the way of that regardless of my personal opinions of them, and of course assuming no risk of abuse etc. PIL have zero interest in our kids, have not sent one single message or anything at all to ask after them in 2 years and yours are no different. If they wanted to, they would have.

They believe I have stopped DP and the kids from seeing them.

When DP recently messaged them he had explained that his sister has taken them away from us. MIL replied "no she didn't, but someone did" obviously suggesting I have!

In reality I've asked DP so many times to try and sort things with them for the sake of the kids but he is so hurt he felt sick at the thought of contact.

So it seems they believe their efforts would have been fruitless because this wicked witch would have put a stop to it.

Maybe I'm making excuses for them. God knows they don't deserve it!

I wouldn’t be making the call. I’d just explain they were busy, and you’d maybe see them another time.

What happens when they're older and they are asking us why they don't see their grandparents?

MIL is well out of order. The row was between you and his sister.

I would write a letter to the grandparents. Setting out:

1. your side of the story on the row
2. how it was never intended to impact them or their relationship with DS or the grandkids.
3. how hurt you are by them blocking you
4. offering a way forward

I would say you all come as a package so if they want to see the kids you all need to get along.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

They have been happy to go 18 months without contact to support the sister.

When they did have contact you facilitated it all.

It was always a one sided relationship. Thats why your DH is upset. It's likely that this is not the first time this type of thing has happened.

Why do you want him to fix it? They only care when you facilitate and suits them. The kids love them now because of what YOU did. You transported, set up, bought cake etc. It's not because they behaved like good grandparents. As they get older that will become more obvious and they will start to hurt the kids with their ambivalence. It's far better the kids are protected now.

DP went up to theirs after the argument and they both had a cry, but then she said that everyone needed to "move on a a family" and refused to accept what her daughter had said to us.

DP has sent 3 or 4 messages since the fall out covering what you've said. Both his parents ignore it. They only respond when the message is short and unrelated to the sisters behaviour. DP's dad obviously also bowing down to the mum and sister.

DP's uncle has basically said that if he wants to sort a relationship with his parents, he's going to have to go and see them and refrain from speaking badly of his sister.

DP doesn't want a relationship with them, he says this has all made him realise that they've never supported him really.

I wanted him to speak to his mum before we facilitated a call with our eldest, which he was on board with until today when his therapist said he didn't need to! He says he'll speak to her about what moving forward looks like once they've had this call.

He’s not asked for his nana in 18 months?

When they are old enough I’d say tell them your grandparents unfortunately didn’t reach out and explain it was due to a dispute between the adults and it’s nothing personal.

But tbh I don’t think they care for your kids that much and it’s probably best for the relationship to fizzle out now before they are old enough to realise.

Nope. Unfortunately he was there when the argument kicked off, so he witnessed his auntie calling his mum a "demon" and seemed to understand why we weren't going up there anymore. But now that he is...

My dc were told sometimes grown ups aren't who you thought they were ---- and its best you don't see them.

Haven't seen my own dm since 2012. As adults my dc are happy staying nc with her.

Why did she call you that?

My view is the children can only ever enjoy a relationship with grandparents, if the parents do. I don't think it can ever work otherwise. Sorry. I think you just need a child friendly way to manage not being in touch.

When they are older you can explain it to them. Or, they might just not ask. You don’t owe your children a relationship with toxic people just because they are related.

You tell them the truth, that you had a disagreement and they had no interest in pursuing any contact after that

The argument kicked off inside and when it did I finally told her how I'd felt about the one sided effort etc. His sister wasn't having any of it, told me nobody likes me, stormed outside where DP was and started screeching "why did you bring this up here, we were happy. She's a demon"

You could certainly try to facilitate a call and get your mil together with your eldest.

But I can guarantee she is going to fall out with you all again and break his heart all over again. That a grandparent would cut off seeing their own grandchildren for an argument that wasn't even theirs? Seriously they don't care - or don't know how to care. Personally I think you will be just setting yourself up for Round 2 if you initiate contact for your child.

Jeezo.

Be careful what you wish for.
I have read similar stories on here where DIL pushed for ILs to have a relationship with grandchildren and it has backfired and caused numerous problems. Support your DH, he knows his parents and sister.
Your son may be asking to see them but he doesn't know or understand how bitter and dysfunctional they are. Explain to him in a child friendly way that his Nan, Grandad and aunty are not happy. It is nothing any of you have done. You have told them you would like to see them but they are saying no at the moment.
Do you think your SIL is going to be happy to see you all back in contact seeing she has succeeded in causing this split. Do not underestimate what she could be prepared to do to cause further upset. Support your husband and protect your children. Your children do not need to be in a hostile and possibly abusive environment. The grandparents have shown that their daughter is the one they care about and will support. Not their son and grandchildren.