If the grandparents blocked you, would you allow contact?

[Loweffortnan]

About 18 months ago after 10 years with DP, I had my first fall out with a family member of his, his sister. Neither of his parents witnessed the initial argument which was her being incredibly disrespectful towards both myself and my partner. Essentially it came to light at the same time that the grandparents are moving away, with the sister nonetheless who displays pretty strong narcissistic tendencies.

The parents took her side, blocked me the next day, and despite DP's attempts to explain over time, favoured the sister and refused to take any accountability.

They haven't seen our kids (6 & 2) in this time and DP has not wanted contact with them as he has said he is so hurt by their actions and favouritism of the golden child (37 and still lived at home, btw!)

Our eldest, 6, has just started asking for his nanny. DP and I have agreed that he can have a call with her. We don't want to deny him since he's asking, but I am still blocked by both his mum and dad, so I'm uncomfortable with agreeing to them actually seeing the kids until they can demonstrate some basic respect for me as their mother. I don't care for apologies or a relationship with them, but how can I trust these people with my kids when they can't even be civil for their sake?

Thoughts ?

Life is too short for this nonsense. If I were you I would contact them and ask that you all sit down and talk things over. For the sake of your children. It sounds like there are some misunderstandings. Do your best to sort things out and be the bigger person.

Well like I said they've all blocked me everywhere and have no intention of speaking or seeing me, so they'd be seeing the kids with DP.

It just doesn't sit right with me, but just want to do right by our kids whilst still maintaining some self respect and healthy boundaries..

Why would you expose your DC to these arseholes? Tell eldest that grandparents have chosen not to be in contact with your family any more. It’s a shame but at least you still have XYZ replies or friends.

Then change the subject.

I wouldn’t allow contact OP. They blocked their grandchildren’s mum. Without you, they wouldn’t have grandchildren.

I completely agree with this.

I see you’re trying your best to not let your issues become their issues, and not disrupt the good relationship you feel your child had with his GP, but you need to be the adult here despite what your child wants and consider the likely outcome of this.

They will all have another fall out and cut off your kids again and this time the impact will be even worse since they’re older.

It would be really unwise to try and facilitate this relationship.

And never beg others to be in your children’s life! If they genuinely missed your children enough they would’ve made more of an effort. Of any effort at all.

Absolutely not. I would not contact them first in these circumstances. I’d tell DS an age appropriate version - ‘unfortunately MiL has blocked me from contacting her so I can’t get in touch with her for you - fancy going to the park?’ And move on. Sounds like the family are better off without their involvement given their actions.

Well not only have they not made any effort but like I say they're moving country to be with their daughter who has moved.

We have always thought this was the sisters plan all along. Plant the seeds with the parents, talk poorly of us, distance them from the kids and suddenly there's no reason to stay in England.

The mum and sister are heavily co dependent. It's crazy how much you read about this online. Never thought I'd be seeing it first hand though.

My own mum died when I was 15 and my dad lives abroad (where I grew up) so it's not like the kids have got another set.

Because they were disrespectful and rude and have not only not apologised then don’t want to apologise and if they apologised they won’t change their behaviour.

My parents have not seen my son for 7 years they have been offered contact but won’t. Myself and my husband went around a few weeks ago and they invited us in and we had a cup of tea we followed that up with if they would like to see their 12 year old grandson (lovely lad) and they said no, 🤷‍♀️ kids accept it all the time.

Gosh that's brutal. Sorry you're having to deal with that.

DP asked her outright the other week if she wanted a relationship with them and she said "of course I do" but obviously I am assuming that is on the condition that the past isn't discussed, and I'm not in the picture! I want him to call and clarify but he won't.

Oh come on. I wouldn’t want my children around these awful people.

And it looks like they have cut you off? If you mil left the family whatsapp group

why on earth would be actively seeking contact. Seems like seeking drama to me

Well not only have they not made any effort but like I say they're moving country to be with their daughter who has moved.

so what on earth is the issue? They’re not bothered. So why are you bothered?

And really… your DS doesn’t actually give a toss.

do you see your awful parents @PlanningMylife ?

Not a chance in hell would they be seeing my kids. Don’t do it op, it’s a whole world of pain waiting to happen. Come on, you know this.

DP doesn't want a relationship with them, he says this has all made him realise that they've never supported him really.

Right, well he’s known them his whole life and thinks they’re bad news so that’s plenty to go on that your children shouldn’t be anywhere near them! So your 6 year old asked about his (horrible) grandma? He’s 6. You say she’s been horrible to mummy and daddy so you’re not friends with them anymore and you move on. I can’t understand why you’d even consider opening this hornets nest of awfulness over the throwaway comment of a young child. Protect your family. It’s your most important job.

I would expect them to be exaggeratedly wonderful to the GS but to feed him little poisoned darts of waspishness about you

Do not re-hash the row
The uncle is probably right
Your DH asked if they wanted to see the children, they said of course.

The children are not involved in the row, the row is not between them and their DGPs

It is 100% up to your DH if he wants to facilitate Nanny / child contact, don’t pressurise him.

But actually if he does keep the kids no contact because he doesn’t like their behaviour (understandably) it is sort of weaponising the kids

They are allowed to move to where their Dd is. I don’t dispute their Golden Child behaviour but unfortunately some grandparents do fave it children of DD rather than their son / DIL

Because when they were together, she was good to my son. He loved her, she gave him her (albeit limited) time. They live on a farm, they did blackberry picking, flower pressing.... it wasn't awful for them. But yes, I facilitated it for the most part.

Of course now DP has seen a side to his parents he didn't know existed. Therapy has made him realise the sister is favoured and always has been. We didn't even need them to take our side, all we wanted was them to just go "we aren't getting involved, we are here for all of you!" But that didn't happen either. They labelled me a narcissist and even bad mouthed me to DP's employee.

But we are both struggling with feeling like we've taken away our kids grandparents. We insisted on accountability but it never came. And now, we are backing down for the sake of our kids by allowing the call.

I'd not facilitate contact in any way.

I've been NC with my dad for a while now. Our 12yo knows why as he overheard something. DS went through a phase of wanting contact. We discussed it and worked out that he was missing the idea of the good grandfather that my dad was not.

My dad sends DS a cheque for birthdays and Christmas. He's not once asked how DS is doing in the cards.

She’s hasn’t been near your son for best part of two years

What you describe is a deeply unpleasant woman added to which thoroughly disinterested in your

I can’t understand why you’re pursuing this

It's your ds who's losing out. I'd let them meet up , would dh facilitate this?

They labelled me a narcissist and even bad mouthed me to DP's employee.

and here you are wringing your hands about allowing people capable of this to be around your kids. People that aren’t even bothered about being around your kids!!

They aren’t bothered
They are abusive

We insisted on accountability but it never came. And now, we are backing down for the sake of our kids by allowing the call.

Terrible incomprehensible decision.

To allow the call? I mean I must admit reading all these replies we are thinking twice. What would be the end game anyway, we have no idea since they won't discuss it!

There's your answer. They don't care and only want your children in their lives on their terms. I reiterate please protect your children and your husband. Your poor husband has been in therapy and you are still pushing contact. Your children will end up the same if you keep pushing. Show your children what a loving supportive family is, not a dysfunctional one with a controlling aunt and grandparents that dance to her tune.
With the update about your husband I am at a loss as to how you cannot see that and do everything in your power to keep your children away.