If the grandparents blocked you, would you allow contact?

[Loweffortnan]

About 18 months ago after 10 years with DP, I had my first fall out with a family member of his, his sister. Neither of his parents witnessed the initial argument which was her being incredibly disrespectful towards both myself and my partner. Essentially it came to light at the same time that the grandparents are moving away, with the sister nonetheless who displays pretty strong narcissistic tendencies.

The parents took her side, blocked me the next day, and despite DP's attempts to explain over time, favoured the sister and refused to take any accountability.

They haven't seen our kids (6 & 2) in this time and DP has not wanted contact with them as he has said he is so hurt by their actions and favouritism of the golden child (37 and still lived at home, btw!)

Our eldest, 6, has just started asking for his nanny. DP and I have agreed that he can have a call with her. We don't want to deny him since he's asking, but I am still blocked by both his mum and dad, so I'm uncomfortable with agreeing to them actually seeing the kids until they can demonstrate some basic respect for me as their mother. I don't care for apologies or a relationship with them, but how can I trust these people with my kids when they can't even be civil for their sake?

Thoughts ?

My father hated his mother, however he never stood in the way of our relationship and whatever her failings as a mother, she was a wonderful grandma to me and my sister. It would have been a great loss to not have had her in my life.

I’m so sorry Op, but this makes it even worse. They will surely relegate your children to the back of their mind when they move abroad and it looks like they’ve already done that now.

This all must be especially hurtful for you given that your mum died when you were young. I appreciate you are sad for the kids that they essentially don’t have a grandmother. But I think this is affecting your judgement in that you’re going out of your way to extend grace to them, when at this point you should actually be protecting your children from them.

If they want to be in your child’s life let them make the effort, and be proactive. If they don’t, just let them go but your children deserve better than GPs who don’t really care if they keep in touch with them or not.

I wouldn’t allow the call!

That is fine but OP isn’t standing in their way. They have made no attempt to see their grandchildren over 18 months.

Problem with these threads is that we don't really know who said what etc and the history. It's probs not the case but we might have been equally supportive of the SIL if she'd created a thread about how OP was vile to her and was now punishing the GPs for standing up for her. Saying that they can't see the kids unless they apologise profusely and wont agree to just move on and not badmouth her.

This is so strange.

They are awful people AND disinterested in your kids AND they haven’t clapped eyes on your kids for 18 months.

I am struggling to see your dilemma.

I’d have to turn up with a note saying “DC misses his grandparents. I’m not keeping him or DP from you - you blocked me and it’s a bit hard to arrange my children to come and see you when I’m blocked. The argument wasn’t even with you! Are you willing to talk this out or not?”

Right. This says it’s all for me:

I was running the kids to theirs, an hour round trip, once or twice a week, with cake for nanny as well, but they rarely reciprocated but they were happy to run about after their adult daughter and her hobbies.

And also OP, just think if they do so much for their adult daughter , if she has kids in the future they will be running around after that set of grandkids .

Your husband and kids will deal with the hurt of seeing their other set of GC get totally different and better treatment.

I know. Of course they will. This is something I think about often. I'll find it really upsetting personally as well.

We had something similar, a good few years ago now.

We decided as parents that we wouldn’t be comfortable with the grandparents seeing DC without acknowledging their behaviour, which they would never do.

So we backed off.

DC asked for them and we explained, in language appropriate for their age, that because grandparents had not been very nice to mummy and daddy, we weren’t going to be friends for a while.

DC was happy with this because he understood.

I know that might not be everyone’s way of doing things and each to their own, but I find that you can only fob them off for so long by saying things like ‘they’re busy’.

Kids are smart and actually I believe it’s healthy for them to see you holding down boundaries

And then throw in the abuse levelled at their mother, the awful behaviour in the past… baffling the Op and her DP are even debating this

Just trying to do right by the kids. The bloody therapist threw a spanner in the works today as well by saying they don't really need to unblock me to have visits with the kids either.

Op am i right in thinking that your DP wants contact between his parents and kids much more than you do? And you are hurt he’s even considering it considering how appallingly they treat you?

This is how we handled it too. I think he caught us at a point recently where we were questioning our decisions as you often do as a parent. He told his dad he wanted to speak to nanny, and when he said ok he asked repeatedly for the next few days. Even today, he's asked if we've spoken to her yet.

We are worried he's been bottling up his feelings. Though he's a perfectly happy, sociable 6 year old so maybe we are overthinking it.

You are.

It has been 18 months and he didn’t see much of her even then. He will get bored of asking, especially with half term coming.!

No I wouldn't say that. I've always said if they can acknowledge DP's hurt, I'm happy for them to see the kids with DP present. But every time DP has voiced his hurt, they shut down.

Keep to him and acknowledge his feelings ie. It’s ok to miss them etc but also explaining that how they’ve treated you isn’t ok and sometimes people have to say sorry before things can be good between them again

He’ll thank you when he’s older x

All very weird. And fact DP had
a messed up childhood (and yours too?) probably explains this hand wringing about something most of us would be delighted that these abusive people aren’t interested in being around our children

For the sake of your children can you not just get over it and move on? This type of dispute is incredibly sad . . .

She’s allowed to think that and I am sure she knows more than me about the situation, and has her reasons for that opinion, but personally I disagree.

I also feel it’s not even just about being blocked, so that’s a bit of a red herring.

Because it’s not as if she’s sent the kids cards in the post or asked your husband if she can see them has she?

From what you’ve said she’s made zero effort over 18 months. Even before this it was you making more of an effort. I mean yeah she enjoyed the kids when they were around, but she didn’t go out of her way to facilitate or maintain the relationship.

Blocked or not I think that’s the main issue.

Yep and this is what we keep coming back to as well.

They never really bothered, but blamed it all on me.

They are really clutching at straws to portray me in a bad light. They have told people I deliberately gave them short notice invites on days out so they'd not be able to make it. In reality, with 2 kids I often wake up and make a plan in the morning. I remember often I'd invite MIL on the morning once I had a plan and she'd never be able to make it, usually because she was off out for the day for her daughters hobby. No problem, but that was held against me. Apparently a deliberate attempt to sabotage her relationship with the kids 💀

Bloody hell OP. I dont Mean to be hard… but get over it! She’s not interested. She’s horrible. The end.

the thing is though, is DP asking them to essentially choose between their children? Because as most of us with more than one child would recognise, that’s an impossible ask.

Can’t you just leave your in-laws out of the argument with his DSis? It sounds like you are expecting them to have an opinion, which is unfair.

it also sounds slightly like you are expecting them to have a conversation about his DSis before you will let them see your kids, which is sort of using them as leverage.

if they respond to messages that are not about the fall out, maybe it’s because they don’t want to get involved in an argument between two (or more) adults?

DP doesn't want a relationship with them, he says this has all made him realise that they've never supported him really.

I think this is the key here.

His parents have fallen out with you, therefore presumably they wont welcome you making contact. It must come from your DP and he's currently unwilling albeit still in discussion with his therapist about his relationship with them.

Unless his wishes change you need to manage your son. "Im sorry you miss nanny. We aren't friends anymore so we cant go and see her."

Sheesh, She sounds worse every update, OP!

It’s easier said than done when your sons been asking but I think it’s for the best if you just let them go. They don’t want to be there. It will be for the best.

My paternal grandmother didn’t bother with me and I am so glad my mum never chased her down. Now that I’m older I understand that she just wasn’t interested!

You are 100% right OP, infact they chose to block you but allowing any of your DC to stay with them when they blocked you is really dodgy because you can't be cut off from your kid(s).

What if the SIL turns on your child?

Never leave your child with someone you don't trust, especially as your SIL lives there.