If the grandparents blocked you, would you allow contact?

[Loweffortnan]

About 18 months ago after 10 years with DP, I had my first fall out with a family member of his, his sister. Neither of his parents witnessed the initial argument which was her being incredibly disrespectful towards both myself and my partner. Essentially it came to light at the same time that the grandparents are moving away, with the sister nonetheless who displays pretty strong narcissistic tendencies.

The parents took her side, blocked me the next day, and despite DP's attempts to explain over time, favoured the sister and refused to take any accountability.

They haven't seen our kids (6 & 2) in this time and DP has not wanted contact with them as he has said he is so hurt by their actions and favouritism of the golden child (37 and still lived at home, btw!)

Our eldest, 6, has just started asking for his nanny. DP and I have agreed that he can have a call with her. We don't want to deny him since he's asking, but I am still blocked by both his mum and dad, so I'm uncomfortable with agreeing to them actually seeing the kids until they can demonstrate some basic respect for me as their mother. I don't care for apologies or a relationship with them, but how can I trust these people with my kids when they can't even be civil for their sake?

Thoughts ?

Also, I always tell this story on these threads as I think it offers an alternative to the idea that a grandparent has to get on with the parent to have a relationship with a child.

i had an amazing relationship with my granny. She was kind, funny, loving and adored me and my brother. She hated my dad. My dad didn’t really like her either. It made no difference to me and my brother how they felt about each other. My dad would sometimes joke ‘give Granny my love’ when we went to stay with her and we all laughed because we understood the joke. It had literally no impact on the relationship I had with her. I loved her and dad and the fact they didn’t really like each other was just by the by.

No, his mum actually said this to him after it happened. "So you want me to abandon your sister to see the kids" and he made it very clear that wasn't the case.

He just wanted them to acknowledge that she had said some really hurtful things to us and accept that perhaps her version of events weren't quite as she said. The best they could muster up was "well your sister can be mean sometimes" but then followed it by saying I had been "goading her". Not true.

That day was particularly upsetting for DP. His dad had stayed silent through out but came outside on that occasion and said "I'm just out here for your mum"

His sister had bought our eldest an electric motorbike a couple years back which was stored at the grandparents farm. When DP was collecting some of his things he noticed it was missing. I had messaged his dad asking if he knew where it was, he said no, and when I asked if he could ask MIL or SIL, he blocked me. It transpired that they had allowed the sister to sell it. Imagine. So needless to say they did pick a side, but it wasn't us asking them to.

I think the entire situation is very sad. I think it is heartbreaking to deny grandchildren a relationship with their grandparents. Your relationship is one thing, it shouldn’t impact on the relationship between your children and their grandparents. Think about it very carefully, it’s not fair on your children. You are using them to score points over your husband’s parents. Let them share special times together, don’t be hard hearted.

As one who was in a similar situation, I'll say it's important to make your family the first priority and not allow anyone to drive any wedges in it. That would mean, no, they can't have a relationship with your children but not with you and no, they can't have a relationship with your husband but not with you.

They are trying to take that same sick golden child-scapegoat dynamic from their own family and now enact it in your family. In this new version, you are the scapegoat. And make no mistake, they will try to turn your children against you.

My husband and I learned long ago to make our nuclear family number one, each other and our kids (who are now grown). Nobody outside the nuclear family is allowed to cause trouble for or drive wedges between anyone who is in the nuclear family. That is how we prevented dysfunctional people from inserting their dysfunction into our family.

Your children need their parents only. Outsiders, including grandparents and aunts and uncles, are nice IF they add to and support your nuclear family but otherwise, they are a detriment, not a bonus. They will soon forget about going to see grandmother. That's far preferable than having them in the middle of being sent to someone who does not like their mother, which is usually for no good reason when the golden child-scapegoat dynamic is in place anyway. That shows you their family pattern. I suggest putting a stop to this game right away. Their are many forums online that deal with this. If you look for them, you'll see so many examples of what happens a few years down the line if they're allowed to get this wedge-driving and favoritism started in your family. Best wishes.

ETA: I have a very nice nuclear family, married for 40 years with grown kids and we all get along. I think one key reason is that we all support each other. I don't tolerate anyone insulting my husband or cutting him out of anything, whether family or friends, and he doesn't with me. If they try that, they will promptly be cut off from my nuclear family. Our children are in with us, where they belong. No one who wasn't supportive of both of us and our marriage would have contact with our kids when they were minors, because they would be a hostile party to our family unit. That makes the walls go up around MY family, they don't get to drive wedges. I hope this helps. This is what I learned the hard way. I hope it helps you nip this mess in the bud.

Also, whatever lies they blab their mouths about are unimportant. People are usually smart enough to see through BS anyway. You might want to look up golden child, scapegoat, narcissistic parent and "flying monkey."

Sorry but that is extremely strange and dysfunctional. A grandmother who hated her own son? What sort of fucked up is that? What do you think that felt like for your Dad?

Would i expose my children to awful people by choice?

Erm, no. That would be awful of me.
Children don't know whats in their best interests. That's why they have parents to look after them.

A child may want to eat nothing but chocolate but we don't let them because it's not good for them.

And a chocolate diet is a lot less damaging to a child than toxic grandparents.

If your ILs really wanted to see the kids they would unblock you and try and resolve/ make peace. How childish to block someone. I wouldn’t do the call and I would stay NC

As the grandparents are moving abroad there won’t be the opportunity for in person visits anyway. I would
write and suggest a face time call with the children. You’d be in control of ending the call. I would do this for the sake of my DC, because it must be strange for them to suddenly have no contact. Your DP obviously has years of built up hurt, so I would be the one facilitating the call to protect him.

But I don’t think you should hold a grudge towards the grandparents for the aunt selling the motorbike. She’s a grown up, and I’m not sure how they would stop her from selling it.

The whole row started because you weren’t happy about the amount of effort you were putting in to facilitate the relationship. I think you need keep that in mind moving forward. Don’t make more of an effort than you’re comfortable with.

Exactly. Move on OP. Family are often the people who hurt you the most. You don't need this in your life.
Your son won't be the only one who dosent see his grandparents .
They are not vital at all. Life will go in without them just fine .
Free yourself of stress. It's not meant to be.

Well DP did message his mum yesterday afternoon saying our eldest wanted a call and was she free.

She hasn't even opened it, but been online plenty.

I guess you were all right. They don't give a damn. DP suspects his sister has talked her out of it, but maybe that's giving MIL too much credit.

You explain in an age appropriate way that we don't chase breadcrumbs from people who don't give a fig about us.

Unfortunately yes the writing was on the wall, as much as I’d have loved if they proved me wrong it was clear they don’t care about their GC.

I am so sorry but please stop chasing them and twisting yourself up in knots trying to reignite a relationship which has withered away thanks to your in-laws.

Just move on and protect yourselves and most importantly your children from all this. All the best.

There's not a chance they would see my children.

No and I think you’re asking for trouble letting your eldest call them.
You can explain to them in age appropriate way why you don’t see them, but it’s not about dc and everyone loves dc.

you’re also excusing FIL by blaming MIL and SILs influence, Just as they seem to be excusing DH by blaming your influence. Perhaps the men in the family need a bit more credit and responsibility for their own decisions. And you and dh need to own yours with dc.

Leave it OP. One day, they'll put your kids through the similar.
They'll never truly love them as long as you're around.

Don't put this on your kids, when they're older, they can do as they please.

My DDad told us how appalling his DB treated him, so we stayed away out of loyalty.
They tried to contact us despite never resolving issues, but if they hate my dad, how can they possibly love me?

Plenty of kids grow up just fine without relations, don't force it.

I’m sorry, this is tough but I think in long run your kids are also better off steering clear of them and their manipulation. It’s very telling it’s taken over a year for a young child to even ask to speak to her.

I think you need to gently evade from your child’s questions for a bit but be prepared to be honest when older, and accept that the relationship is over beyond repair and wash your hands of the nasty lot of them

Oh she has replied now 🙄

She was away but free anytime apparently.

DP is emotionally all over the shop as you can imagine.

That update today is your answer, honestly. She has been online plenty and could not even open a message from her own son about her grandson. That is not a nanny who is being kept away, it is someone choosing not to show up.

I would not chase it. Mine is three and asks huge questions about everything, and what I have learned is that children accept a simple kind answer far more easily than they accept being let down again and again. Something like nanny lives far away, and we will have a lovely day just us.

You are not taking anything from your boys. You kept the door open and they would not walk through it. The guilt is normal, but do not let it talk you into giving them another chance to disappoint him.

If you go ahead he will need to set boundaries for the call so they understand what can and can’t be said to your little boy.

Don’t see how you can think this relationship will benefit your children -sooner or later ir you renew contact with the children they will let them down miscall you to them and in the end cause more hurt than if they don’t see them your husband doesn’t want the contact. Why are you forcing it? If they continue blocking you how do you think your child will feel about that as they get older? Not like the children will be happy when they realise. Just explain as suggested by another poster that the adults have disagreed and with the move grandparents are too busy to sort it out just now. He’ll move on and the explanation can be clearer when he’s older and can understand

I wouldn’t be making any effort whatsoever