Teenage daughter has left home and refuses to speak to me

[Houndmother75]

Please help. My teenage daughter and I (she is 17) had a massive falling out three weeks ago. She was unbelievably rude and abusive to me, having been in a foul mood since before I’d even spoken to her first thing, and went out to spend time with family friends. I asked that she be back in time for an early supper and to spend the rest of the evening studying for her a levels. She has been so rebellious of late, and far ruder than usual, and her college attendance has been poor. She continued to be abusive over WhatsApp, so in informed her in no uncertain terms why I was less than pleased with her attitude, and said if she wasn’t back in time she would be grounded until she could improve it. The online argument continued, she refused to be told what to do, so I concluded by saying if she wasn’t back then I’d asked I would simply lock the door. She wasn’t back, I locked the door, she tried to return several hours later, but had to return to our friends house. She hasn’t come back and has only spoken to me once since. She has accused me of all sorts, neglect being one (because the house is messy, but she won’t lift a finger to help me, preferring to hurl abuse when asked instead). She has been doing all sorts of stuff while living here, e.g. requested money for lunch when in college and has clearly bought vapes, alcohol, energy drinks etc etc (I found them under her bed along with so much mess and rubbish when I cleaned it after she’d gone). She told our family friends that I’d mistreated her, and that she will not return home. They took her at her word, without consulting me at all. Earlier this week they arranged to meet me, and I was told by them that she will now be staying with them for the next two years while she completes her a levels, and they will support her to get her own place after that. I have not been consulted and this is apparently non-negotiable. They alerted children’s services, who said they could do nothing since she is nearly 18. My friends have said they want her benefits to be transferred to them (child benefit and child maintenance), and that they will no longer be paid to me. I’m told that it’s unlikely I’ll be able to speak to her for a couple of months or so. I’ve also been told by them that my house is disgusting and unpleasant (which is part of the alleged neglect), and that my relationship with her is abusive and complicated and it’s been implied I am not good enough as her parent. Nobody in authority has contacted me about this. What the hell do I do? It’s like these “friends” of mine have decided to facilitate my daughter’s leaving of me, and have not once tried to find out what’s happening, despite my attempts to explain and discuss since she has been staying with them. Please help me. It feels like my soul has been ripped away…

I’d check with the police. The local Old Bill were really helpful when Dd turned her tracker off and went MIA around a year ago. I explained the situation and they were really supportive. It’s a 2 way app thing. Dd and I have Life 360. She can see what I’m up to just as much! It’s a really useful thing on both sides and isn’t remotely controlling.

OP please do look into how you and your daughter can reconcile. Maybe counselling or family counselling.

I could be wrong but it sounds like you have had a close, intensive releationship, just the two of you. She has behaved badly and you have behaved badly, but you are the adult. Please seek help rather than assigning blame.

My heart goes out to you OP, I have had similar experiences myself.
As hard as it is, please take care of yourself and one moment at a time before you decide next steps.

I’d imagine it is. I’m probably being charitable though.

I also have…..Hounds. And am actually rather caring. Hence, Houndmother! We also have rabbits and Guinea pigs. I am therefore a Bunnyparent and a Piggymum too. I’ll wait patiently and tolerantly for the barbed responses to THAT…..

You only need to click on the quote icon on the bottom left. You went to all that trouble to either copy and paste or type. God, I hope you didn't type it.

Stop it! You are arguing about a flipping username!

Are you joking? Please tell me this is an attempt at humour 😂

Are you always so entitled, coercive and enraged when you can't get your own way?

Actually, the answer is yes, when you think you can get away with it. 😘

Haven't read the thread...

Are any of these 'friends' male?

Because my worry would be their motive if so

This is a worthy sentiment, but in order for counselling to work OP would need to be open to reflecting on what’s behind this rift, even if that is uncomfortable and calls into question her own behaviour. It will also require her to be able to decentre her own feelings enough to be able to consider the why and not just the what of her daughter’s behaviour. Judging by the way this thread has gone, it’s striking that the conversation seems to keep coming back to what to do about the money, the friends’ motivations, and how angry OP is. Any attempt to engage OP on what might be best for her daughter or how her daughter might be feeling to make her behave this way seems to be falling on comparatively stony ground.

Yes, she is indeed arguing with a stranger online because I refuse to be coercively bullied into silence by her enraged responses.

So anyway, houndmother is a gross nickname in these circumstances, whether referring to her daughter or putting her dogs above her daughter. And that's that :)

Totally agree
Thefe are two sides to the story,but lockibg her out is not the action of a good parent. What did OP think she would do?Anything could have happened to her.
There are obviously long seated problems and resentments on both sides. OP and her daughter need therapy but it is expensive.
Let the girl cool off abd theen try and speak calmly to her. Of course the friends need the money. But I suspect that there is a lot more goung on. The friends would not intervene like that unless they felt it necessary. OP needs help

I have never taken in a friends kid so I don’t know what I would do within the first few days or weeks but yeah as I said I admire their early planning. I feel the daughter could be asking for things NOW which cost money.

So why wait months to ask to set the transfers up while they go out of pocket paying for stuff?

ETA: plus I’m not sure of the timescale but hasn’t it been a few weeks since they’ve taken her child in? So it’s not like they asked for the money stuff on the 2nd night.

And right from the outset she will be costing the family more money in things like their weekly grocery bill and more usage of showers if nothing else.

Oh I was also talking more generally as there’s been other suggestions that this is financially motivated.

That’s a really kind, thoughtful and considered response. It gives me heart. Thank you. All very hard to do, but you are correct.

Though I agree and the OP has stated that there are some problems in the home, as a mother of grown kids myself, I don't think the OP locking the door was out of line at all. First and most important, she said she knew the daughter had a place to go and a way to get there. So she said she knew her daughter was safe, it's not like she just locked her out and let her fend for herself regardless of what tragedy might befall her.

She'd told her minor child when she had to be home and that the door would be locked if she didn't comply. The child defied her, and didn't return home until hours later.

A parent has every right to set the rules in their home and to not tolerate them being blatantly, deliberately blown off. If anything, I suspect the OP had come to feel like she'd let the girl get by with too much of that kind of thing to start with and was trying to correct the girl behaving as if she could do whatever she wanted.

Just to explain i know how hard it is when kids behave badly. My son took an overdose years ago, we went to the hospital. He was fine but then, at the hosital, he told the nurses I bullied him. I did not. There was an investigation from social services and all was fine. My son couldn't really explain why he had said that. He is now mentally well (it was several years ago), and we have a great relationship now.

He was very unhappy and that led to his self harm and acting up. He had counselling and we have had lots of parenting help too.

Find a good solution.

That’s quite an aspersion to cast, and thankfully isn’t relevant to the folks concerned. But I understand exactly why you’d think it.

I tend to agree, although my teens are so mild-mannered and sensitive that I honestly can’t imagine a situation in which it would be appropriate for them. A stern look usually does it!

That said, I grew up with an abusive, gaslighting parent so I fully accept that my idea of normal/acceptable behaviour is probably warped.

I am going to be kind and say I hope you are ok 💐
Just to add, you don't have to include the fact that you are a mother in your username on Mumsnet. I have kids, you wouldn't know by my username.

Has it occurred to you that their actions suggest that they know much more about the situation than we do?
We have only heard one side Op's side.
And some red flags are raised in her post.
Locking a 17year old out of her home in the middle of the night. Then threatening to ground her. It takes two to have a bad relationship. The girl muamst have her readons.
And the house does seem more than everyday untidiness.
A sad siruation. But a breathing space sounds good.

Your enraged, frothing attempt to save face duly noted.

Howabout trying to get the house to rights by starting in one corner of a room. with a big bin bag and putting all the things you haven’t used recently and can’t see using in the future in it, to throw out, cleaning at the same time.

People say a less messy home helps their MH, it will also show that the so called friends are wrong, that you are a different person to what they think you are.

Thank you, I too am concerned about what’s going on for her. That’s why I alerted college, which I did before this all came to a head. I’m so very sorry about your son’s turmoil, and can totally empathise with what you will have been through. I’m really glad everything turned out well.

Its not an "aspersion" - it's a standard question, would be an immediate concern from most people, and completely relevant.

SS are stretched thin as it is. They CBA with DC who are housed, healthy and almost adult. 16+ neither police nor SS will force a person to live anywhere.

So long as DD is living with these people voluntarily and not being held against her will, so long as the people she's living with are ok with her living there, there's nothing for anyone in authority to do about it.

A teacher, who in that moment personally has temporary parental responsibility for the DC in their care, refusing to let that DC off the bus until they get back to the school (which is the official drop off point and where the teachers responsibility ends), is another thing entirely.

The two situations aren't comparable.

I am reliably informed they would just hand them over to the RSPCA. Which is really helpful. (Not).