Teenage daughter has left home and refuses to speak to me

[Houndmother75]

Please help. My teenage daughter and I (she is 17) had a massive falling out three weeks ago. She was unbelievably rude and abusive to me, having been in a foul mood since before I’d even spoken to her first thing, and went out to spend time with family friends. I asked that she be back in time for an early supper and to spend the rest of the evening studying for her a levels. She has been so rebellious of late, and far ruder than usual, and her college attendance has been poor. She continued to be abusive over WhatsApp, so in informed her in no uncertain terms why I was less than pleased with her attitude, and said if she wasn’t back in time she would be grounded until she could improve it. The online argument continued, she refused to be told what to do, so I concluded by saying if she wasn’t back then I’d asked I would simply lock the door. She wasn’t back, I locked the door, she tried to return several hours later, but had to return to our friends house. She hasn’t come back and has only spoken to me once since. She has accused me of all sorts, neglect being one (because the house is messy, but she won’t lift a finger to help me, preferring to hurl abuse when asked instead). She has been doing all sorts of stuff while living here, e.g. requested money for lunch when in college and has clearly bought vapes, alcohol, energy drinks etc etc (I found them under her bed along with so much mess and rubbish when I cleaned it after she’d gone). She told our family friends that I’d mistreated her, and that she will not return home. They took her at her word, without consulting me at all. Earlier this week they arranged to meet me, and I was told by them that she will now be staying with them for the next two years while she completes her a levels, and they will support her to get her own place after that. I have not been consulted and this is apparently non-negotiable. They alerted children’s services, who said they could do nothing since she is nearly 18. My friends have said they want her benefits to be transferred to them (child benefit and child maintenance), and that they will no longer be paid to me. I’m told that it’s unlikely I’ll be able to speak to her for a couple of months or so. I’ve also been told by them that my house is disgusting and unpleasant (which is part of the alleged neglect), and that my relationship with her is abusive and complicated and it’s been implied I am not good enough as her parent. Nobody in authority has contacted me about this. What the hell do I do? It’s like these “friends” of mine have decided to facilitate my daughter’s leaving of me, and have not once tried to find out what’s happening, despite my attempts to explain and discuss since she has been staying with them. Please help me. It feels like my soul has been ripped away…

Good. And in the meantime, I would send the "friends" an unpleasant email or two. Why not? They didn't have any compunction about enticing and encouraging your own daughter away from you, did they? Don't be afraid to lash back at people who have grievously injured you.

Mary and Donald,

I understand that you think you've been very clever in helping yourself to my daughter. I appreciate that you're fond of her, but this is a step too far. I do hope that neither of you are a little too fond of her. The police have been notified and will be watching you. I cannot imagine what your motivation might be...unless said motivation is crisp, paper-thin, and can be found in all good banks everywhere. I am not going to transfer her benefits to you, so that you can spend it on yourselves and buy her cheap generic-brand food. You must think I came off last year's Christmas tree. If you think you're getting your grubby little paws on her money, you can think again.

Now, as to her welfare: I expect you to make her study for her A-Levels. If she fails those exams, or does badly, I will hold you responsible. You will have failed in a basic duty of being in loco parentis, and if there's a way to sue you in the civil court for helping to ruin her future, rest assured, I'll do it. She will need compensation money to retake A-Levels. All this can be avoided by making her study. The way I tried to, the night I asked her to be home for an early supper and spend the evening studying, which culminated in you taking her. I appreciate that cooking her supper and trying to make her study is the height of terrible parenting. Maybe you can do better.

I expect you to cook her nutritious meals, supervise her social life, ensure that she has her doctor, dentist and hairdresser visits, and that she gets regular exercise. You will also be responsible for ensuring that she gets to bed at a reasonable hour. You need to limit junk food and instill healthy habits like not vaping. You will also need to supervise her screen time. I'm sure none of this will be a burden or a problem for you. After all, you think you can parent her so much better than me, so do it. Go ahead and parent.

Since I did not consent or agree to this arrangement, there will be no money forthcoming. As you want her so badly, you can pay for her. I will save her benefits in an account for her future. Or she can benefit from them now, under her own roof, by coming home. I simply cannot believe you tried to get her money. You have taken my daughter; do you actually think I'm going to bend over and spread my arse cheeks for you as well? You're living in a dreamland. And if you think that any of this is going to work out well for you, you've got a big surprise in store. If there's any way to get you arrested for influencing a minor away from her home and having you flung in jail for a few nights or longer, rest assured, it's coming your way.

When this is over, I never want to see, hear, or speak to you again as long as I live.

This is what I would send. I have sent emails like this in the past when someone has been utterly egregious in their dealings with me. I never start it, but I do finish it. I'm SO mad on your behalf. They think they can bully a single mum. I do wish I was a lawyer, because I would act for you for free. How dare they take your daughter and collude in her bad behaviour against you?? And why should they get to sit there feeling all smug? I would send this email and upset the entire apple cart.

OP, you can’t be sacked as a mother.

The ‘friends’ sound crazier than DD. They’ll soon find out.

🌷 to a fine mum.

That is a very interesting question. I do know she was horribly bullied there, and the school were shite at dealing with it. I backed her to the hilt, took the HM on head to head etc, fought her corner the whole way. I’ve spoken to her present college safeguarding and alerted them to the situation so they can arrange counselling and other strategies to support her.

I actually love you right now…. 🤪

Hear hear!

OP, I think I might actually report you to Social Services myself. I mean, how dare you cook her an early supper and tell her to spend the evening studying? You utter monster. It's been a long time since I've heard such a tale of abuse.

🤣🤣🤣

I get very tired of reading on here about kids being absolutely horrible to their mothers, who love them dearly. Who do these little brats think they are??

1. You've left it far too long if she's been like this for 5 years! This sort of behaviour needs nipping in the bud the moment it begins. 5 years is 5 years too late.

2. Your "friends" are not friends. It feels to me that they're more interested in the money they can get by having your daughter live with them, than they are in your daughter's wellbeing, because they've jumped straight to "Give us the money" extremely quickly.

3. Don't transfer anything yet, and get legal advice first. As others have said, the maintenance part is up to whoever pays that but if there's any chance she's going to come home, it's worth waiting. Don't spend it yet though, just in case (things could get ugly otherwise).

4. It might be a good idea to just let her stay there. Firstly, you'll get a break from the abuse and secondly, the "friends" might eventually find out exactly what she's like. On the other hand, if she's there for a good while (and I'm talking months, not weeks) and is a model child for them, it might be a good idea to look at why that is.

5. Housekeeping ability (or a lack thereof) isn't usually a mental health symptom as such (unless one is in the very depths of a depressive episode), but it is indicative of possible ADHD. Even if it's not that, certain ADHD hacks can help enormously, even for NT's, so it might be worth looking into some of them (apps like Dubbii can be brilliant).

Finally.....take a breath. Things will get better, and it can feel like an eternity to get there, but things rarely stay the same. Make sure to take care of yourself....

They’ve said they’ll teach her to drive and that she can have double the amount of piano lessons too. It’s just madness. They’ve been out and bought her a bed this weekend to fit into their DD’s room. They’ve just moved her right on in!

It's not necessary to have been a perfect mother ever to have a good relationship with your grown children.

It might just be time for this relationship to re-configure from parent-teenager to parent-young adult, more of an equal adult close friendship, after this rupture is over.

Maybe it's best she does live elsewhere, in order for that to happen. Safe to say this "phase" of your relationship doesn't appear to be going so well. But as the mother of older grown kids, I'll say it's only one of several phases a parent-child relationship goes through. It could just be time for this phase to end and the next one to begin. :)

You really need to upset that apple cart, imo. Ask yourself, what is their motivation for this? I am suspicious.

@Houndmother75 I would keep comms polite but honest.

with regard to the friends’ child(ren), are they talented? Or do you think the parents may also see an opportunity to use DD’s talents to improve their child’s?

I bet their child soon gets fed up with the arrangement anyway. Whole things seems off to me.

It seems off to me, too.

And I certainly wouldn't be being polite to people who sided with my child without asking any questions and enticed her away from me. I'd be causing as much trouble as humanly possible for them. I'd call the police and tell them she's been kidnapped and that I'm not entirely sure that she's there of her own free will.

Why on earth would you be polite to people who did this to you???

Reading through the comments and OPs replies, I've got a picture of the scenario. Being a single mum is tough, particularly if also recovering from an abusive relationship. I wonder, if OP had posted more history at the beginning of the thread, if some of the commenters would have been less judgy? Let's focus for a minute, on the 17 yo behaviour. Top music school then asked to leave, because of her attitude. Mum, 3 breakdowns. Adverse childhood events/experiences can cause poor mental health/rebellion /defiance/substance misuse in young people. When a parent is struggling, it's hard to focus on what's important and instead pick battles, that don't need to be picked. We don't know what, and how much DD has said to "friends" (and I use the term loosely,) either. There's no way, I'd be just blindly picking a side, like they are. Main focus right now, is DD is safe, keep communicating, civilly with DD by any means you can. Ensure you make it perfectly clear, she is always welcome home. Ensure money is transferred to DD, so she can pay her way. Keep on with the decluttering, a bit at a time. You'll feel better. A bit of space will help you both get some peace and clarity. Maybe your DD feels you blame her for the situation you're in, who knows. Good luck.

So they will.take her and her money but not her pets?

They cant just dump them on RSPCA, thats not how it works. But I would definitely be taking them there. If she wants to stay there, fine, but she takes her responsibilities with her.

I think once the mask starts to slip, which it will soon enough, there will be another conversation inbound.

Believe me, I tried, five years ago. But she reported me to school for a load of things I hadn’t done (I caught sight of some text messages between her and a friend cooking up this plan), and I ended up the subject of a Section 47 Child Protection investigation.

This was absolutely fantastic for my mental health, as you can imagine. The investigation came to Diddley squat. But, because they had to justify their arses they tried to come down on me for the state of the house (I had just moved in, had sold a house elsewhere and moved the furniture to this one, together with what I’d been using in the rental property I was living in when first we came to this area so she could take up her school place). It was utterly terrifying and awful. Since then, DD has had the power to potentially report me for anything she likes. So I’ve had to tread very carefully.

That said, I’ve been a strict as I dare, and tempered that strictness with unconditional love and support, even dropping everything to drive her to the Netherlands two years ago to visit her first boyfriend (same age, before you ask, and very closely guarded circumstances with no shenanigans allowed!) We camped there for a week and then I brought him back here with us for three weeks so they practically spent the summer together.

She has had a fabulous and culturally rich childhood, all my time and money and attention, and the best educational opportunities I could possibly put her way. To have people I considered supportive friends just decide they want to house her and I can’t is just…..unspeakably awful.

True dat. However, I wouldn’t put the animals at risk either. I’m responsible for them too….

I know this sounds far fetched but are you absolutely sure there is no chance of her being groomed by this couple? Even enticed into activities against her will? People trafficking? Selling drugs? Sex work?

I'd just ignore the friends. The issue is now between the mother and her daughter. The now-former friends are irrelevant. The daughter will be eighteen in a little over a week. I can't imagine my parents calling whoever I lived with when I was eighteen and discussing my care. That would just be weird. The grown daughter can live where she wants. It's not like there's going to be a custody battle when the girl will legally be an adult in eleven days so, there's nothing to discuss with them.

Thank you. Earliest history is I had to kick her drunk of a father out after he tried to strangle me in a red mist. He refused to accept any responsibility for this. He then financially abused me for years.

I fought against the odds for the best possible upbringing I could give my DD. Obviously I’m not perfect, but I’ve given it my best shot with the clearest sights I could.

I’m positive.

So take their food, bedding, your time to feed, clean them etc out of whatever money you are going to send her. Being an adult isnt as fun as she thinks and she will learn.

Not talented in the same way. Lovely kids, but not my daughter…she is in a league of her own.

OP I’ve read all your updates. I think your friends are wrong to act as a barrier between you and your daughter, but they clearly feel she needs support - that’s worth reflecting on.

I was a troubled teenager with a poor relationship with my mother. There was a reason for it: she left my dad for another man and (long story short) while I supported her ending the relationship I completely lost respect for her in the way she dealt with it. Obviously it turned my world upside down. Of course, as a young teenager I was permitted to have an opinion. But my mum I think felt that loss of respect, and kicked back against it with rules and strictness. She said exactly the same things you’ve said: I’ve done everything for you, I’ve made sacrifices for you, I’m not perfect but who is, and I’ve tried. The thing is, even admitting she wasn’t perfect was actually meant to be a humble brag: “I can see my faults.”

Based on my own experience and your replies OP, I wonder if there’s a chance you’ve given your daughter quite the load over the years. You say that you’ve done everything for her, gone above and beyond - and that can be true at the same time as letting her know all the time how much you’ve done, which creates a lot of guilt and pressure. You also keeping you both housed has given you mental health issues: do you work? You say the house has been a mess. You have multiple dogs, which makes me wonder how clean the house is, which you aren’t always around to let out for a pee. You say you have longstanding MH issues which are the result of having to raise her alone. All this is a lot. It does sound like a very difficult environment to be brought up in.

It seems your relationship with your daughter has totally broken down, and there is usually a long backstory to this. There is plenty in your posts to suggest longstanding problems.

That doesn’t excuse her behaviour, but it might explain it.

Locking her out “to have a think about her attitude” was a dreadful move. You call it a “calculated risk” - but what was the calculation there? You often use fancy language to try to make yourself sound intelligent or superior (eg “casting aspersions” used in the wrong context). It betrays an anxiety, I think. Your daughter has no respect for you: are you willing to look at why that might be?

Could something have happened at school? Have you made her feel like a burden by talking a lot about all you’ve done for her? Have you talked a lot about your MH issues? What was social services involvement like? For her? How bad is the house, really? Why aren’t you always there to let the dogs out for a wee, and is it messy because of the dogs? Have there been any men in your life who have created unusual dynamics in your household? Do you work, and does your daughter respect your work and look up to you? Does she have role models to whom she can look up? Does she have goals and aspirations?

Interesting concept. I’ll put it to my brother (a DSL and teacher at a school where there are extremely neglected children) and see what he says… he is far from impressed at the present situation…

I'd just send your daughter the money that's allocated to her and let her handle it.

I dont know why you are angry with your friend. You locked your child out of the house in the middle of the nighte-what was your friend supposed to do?
Why is your house squalid? Whydid your dd have to ask for lunch money?