Teenage daughter has left home and refuses to speak to me

[Houndmother75]

Please help. My teenage daughter and I (she is 17) had a massive falling out three weeks ago. She was unbelievably rude and abusive to me, having been in a foul mood since before I’d even spoken to her first thing, and went out to spend time with family friends. I asked that she be back in time for an early supper and to spend the rest of the evening studying for her a levels. She has been so rebellious of late, and far ruder than usual, and her college attendance has been poor. She continued to be abusive over WhatsApp, so in informed her in no uncertain terms why I was less than pleased with her attitude, and said if she wasn’t back in time she would be grounded until she could improve it. The online argument continued, she refused to be told what to do, so I concluded by saying if she wasn’t back then I’d asked I would simply lock the door. She wasn’t back, I locked the door, she tried to return several hours later, but had to return to our friends house. She hasn’t come back and has only spoken to me once since. She has accused me of all sorts, neglect being one (because the house is messy, but she won’t lift a finger to help me, preferring to hurl abuse when asked instead). She has been doing all sorts of stuff while living here, e.g. requested money for lunch when in college and has clearly bought vapes, alcohol, energy drinks etc etc (I found them under her bed along with so much mess and rubbish when I cleaned it after she’d gone). She told our family friends that I’d mistreated her, and that she will not return home. They took her at her word, without consulting me at all. Earlier this week they arranged to meet me, and I was told by them that she will now be staying with them for the next two years while she completes her a levels, and they will support her to get her own place after that. I have not been consulted and this is apparently non-negotiable. They alerted children’s services, who said they could do nothing since she is nearly 18. My friends have said they want her benefits to be transferred to them (child benefit and child maintenance), and that they will no longer be paid to me. I’m told that it’s unlikely I’ll be able to speak to her for a couple of months or so. I’ve also been told by them that my house is disgusting and unpleasant (which is part of the alleged neglect), and that my relationship with her is abusive and complicated and it’s been implied I am not good enough as her parent. Nobody in authority has contacted me about this. What the hell do I do? It’s like these “friends” of mine have decided to facilitate my daughter’s leaving of me, and have not once tried to find out what’s happening, despite my attempts to explain and discuss since she has been staying with them. Please help me. It feels like my soul has been ripped away…

What did you expect the college to do? What exactly did you ask of them or tell them? Did you genuinely think this was going to be helpful?

I imagine she’s feeling very controlled by you. It’s a common theme of abusive parents to contact their child’s workplaces, educational institutions, partners etc claiming they are doing it out of concern.

But really all they are doing is airing their child’s private business to people they would rather have not shared it with.

10 months until she’s 18. You need to work on a better relationship with her, because when she’s 18 she can legally have absolutely nothing to do with you.

I know, I wasn’t being critical. Thankfully though I don’t think it’s a worry in this case. I completely appreciate your point.

We have supported each other, but not always seen eye to eye.

Very interesting. This isn't out of the blue. I imagine OPs friends have expressed disapproval about things before.

I’ve done loads of that. I showed them photos, they refused to look.

Apologies, but worth checking I think.

I hope it all works out well for you both

Thanks, both. I was brought up to have respect for my parents, and even though I pushed many an envelope way too much, I never behaved to them the way DD has to me. I accept my shortcomings and do all I can to mitigate them….

You can't lock a child out of their home, no matter how badly they're behaving. You just can't do that to them.

I also can't believe you phoned the police because she turned off her tracker. I'm not anti tracking but come on.

Energy drinks and vaping are perfectly normal teenage habits. Not ideal, but I was doing far worse at 17.

The most telling thing though is what the family friends are doing. It's so unusual, that they must strongly feel that your home is not the best environment for her. And I'd bet that's based on what they already know, not on what she's told them.

She sounds absolutely horrible, OP. I'm glad you carried out your threat to lock the door. Don't worry, she'll soon be back. As for transferring the benefits to the friends - yeah, right! In their dreams! 😂

These people are not your friends, by the way. They had no right to insert themselves into your life like this and to just take your daughter's word as gospel. I'd be giving these "friends" things to do. Make it clear that you expect them to be in loco parentis, and that they need to make sure that she studies for her A-levels, doesn't go out wherever she wants, that they need to know where she's going and what she's doing, just like you would, and that she needs to be in bed at a reasonable hour. And that you also expect them to cook her nutritious food, limit junk food, and make sure that she exercises and gets things like dentist visits and hair cuts and doctor visits. Make them know that this is going to be WORK for them. Tell them that you've told Social Services and the school that they have temporary oversight of her well-being. And say that since they're so keen to have her, they can pay for her, and you will be saving her benefits for her future. The cheeky sods. I would not take this lying down. All three of them can reap the rewards of treating you like this. 😡 They'll soon send her home when they realise they're not getting their grubby little paws on her money. That's probably why they've been so keen to "take her in." Actually, since she's under 18, you could probably report them for keeping your daughter. I fookin' would. Let them have the pleasure of a police visit.

In the meantime, enjoy the peace from a difficult teen.

It was actually the same friends who suggested I call the police when she turned her tracker off. Work that one out!

Absolutely no need to apologise! You’re right to raise a concern. And thanks for your good wishes. I appreciate them.

Thanks for understanding where I’m coming from here. I intend to remain brief and factual with them. I’ve got a solicitors appointment about something completely different in early November. If a way forward hasn’t emerged by then I’ll just extend that appointment to cover all this!

I would be interested to hear her point of view. I suspect she has been affected by your struggles with your MH. I suspect she has been unhappy for a while.
I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing here by worrying about the money.

It’s more to do with parenting styles. I am actually far more lenient and attentive about many things. But you weren’t to know that.

Of course it's controlling if DD doesn't want you to be able to track her and you're insisting on being able to track her by her having it switched on. Once she's 18 you'll have precisely zero rights to know where she is. It's obviously a bit of a grey area even before that if some people are being told they can't track a 13yr old. DC do have various rights, even when young. The police were helpful because I presume you raised it as a welfare check and didn't just tell them that you wanted to know where a 17yr old is at all times. You weaponosed a welfare check to manipulate your DD into leaving her tracking switched on - it's coercive control. It doesn't matter that she can see you on the life 360 app too, that doesn't make it ok. It's completely different, because you don't mind. She does mind and feels your ability to track her is intrusive.

Playing devil’s advocate to some of the posts here - if my mother had had Mumsnet 20 years ago, she could have posted an almost identical OP. She would have added that I had physically attacked her, that she had used her last pennies on feeding me and clothing her, that she had worn her mental health into the ground for me, as evidenced by the chaotic hoarder’s environment in which we lived, and she was totally blindsided by the lies I must have told to turn her friends against her so comprehensively and take me in.

In reality, she had emotionally and physically abused me for years, very subtly and under the radar. My physical attack on her, on the night in question, was to dig my nails into her wrists as she tried to strangle me with my school tie, to get her off me. I also had the welts on my back from the horse whip she used to use on me.

I’m not saying this is the case here - but I am saying there are two sides to every story and it would be worth reflecting on what the DD’s experience is. In my case, I can only thank the universe that those friends believed me enough to get me out of that house and didn’t try to engage further with my mother, who was practiced at manipulation and had fooled many people for many years about what was happening in that house.

If the DD is, objectively, a nightmare, the friends will run out of patience with her and she will be forced to confront the reality that she is a common denominator. Equally it’s possible that a change of scene and change in caregiver, however temporary, triggers a change in behaviour that might mean she is able to re-engage in the relationship in a more positive way, if the OP is receptive to that and is also willing to make accommodations.

Believe me, I’ve asked and asked. And I’m worried about All Of It.

I knew some people who took in their friends child under similar circumstances they were going to "set her on the right path" and her mother was "mental and unfit" within 6 weeks she was out and in foster care turns out her mother was a fucking saint but she refused the child back initially because she needed to learn real life consequences

Actually, she was the one who suggested we had it in the first place! We’ve had it several years now and it has been really useful for both of us.

OP ignore some of the goady posters on here. you know how Mumsnet is.

How grabby everyone is about the money is just shocking. it really is offensive. That seems to be the only thing few people in this thread are concerned about, is the money. That says a lot about them.

As for what to do about your daughter it's early days it's only been a few weeks I would just sit tight and not do anything yet. The so called friends may tire of her and send her home

It's also very telling that they didn't bother to speak to you at all regarding any of this with your daughter. I would be suspect of their motives.

You sound like you really don't understand what you've done wrong OP, despite your social services involvement, despite your daughter not wanting to live with you and despite your friends backing her up, you aren't taking any responsibility here.

She didn't "kick her out". The daughter was given a time to be home. She refused to come home at that time. She was told what would happen if she wasn't home by the time specified (the door would be locked). She still refused to come home, and at the specified time the door was locked. The mum knew she had a safe place to spend the night. The daughter decided to throw her dummy out of the pram and not to go home at all. That's on the daughter. She sounds like a handful and I would have done something well before this because her behaviour had been appalling for years, apparently.

Thank you for getting it. All I can do now is wait, yes….

I do understand I had a DD that was an absolute pill as a teenager. Even had rabbits. She was hanging with a very bad crowd and there was nothing I could do about it. She was staying out all hours and then ended up on heroin. Now she is a lovely young woman of 45 and I have three grandchildren. There wasn't anything I did either that made it stop. And I tried everything. she seemed to just do it on her own as in growing up I suppose.

Which doesn't change the fact she doesn't want it now or at least she didn't want it switched on at the time she switched it off, so that you could track her whenever you chose to. When she suggested it, I don't suppose she realised how you intended to use it. People are allowed to change their minds and when DD tried to change hers about this tracking app, you punished her and coerced her into having it on.

Thank you, someone who understands! I know I’m far from perfect, and I do everything I can to mitigate that. All I have ever done is my best when it comes to my DD. But that’s not good enough for people who don’t know me, my situation, my values, my lifestyle or any of my family or friends. Nor do they know my DD. What I should also say about her is that she is feisty, beautiful, intelligent, sensitive, and so bloody gifted it makes my eyes water involuntarily all the time. That’s why I worry time out of mind when she is off the rails like this. It’s terrifying. I just want the best for her.