DD says everything in this house revolves around her brother and I don’t know what to say to her

[Bettyprime]

I’m a single mum to 4, DD13, DS10, DS7 and DD3. DS10 is autistic and needs quite a lot of support with everyday things, especially changes to plans and busy places. He’s not a naughty child, he just gets overwhelmed quite quickly and once he’s past a certain point there’s not much I can do except get him somewhere quiet and let him settle. I’m not really sure how to explain it without making him sound like a nightmare because he isn’t, but it can be hard work.

DD13 has always been quite independent and doesn’t ask for much. She’s into music and seeing her friends and mostly just gets on with things. I’ve probably relied on that a bit too much if I’m honest. Last weekend she wanted me to take her and a friend into town and then collect them later. DS was already having a difficult day and I couldn’t make it work, so she ended up getting the bus with her friend instead. She was fine at the time but yesterday she told me she’s sick of everything being about him and that she feels like she doesn’t matter unless I’m needed for something.

It wasn’t said in a massive row either, which probably made it worse. She was helping me put some washing away and just said it like she’d been thinking about it for ages. I asked her what she meant and she said we never do anything she wants because I’m always worrying about how DS will cope. She brought up a day out we’d planned in the summer that we cut short because he was struggling, and a cinema trip we’d talked about but never actually booked. I could feel myself getting defensive because I do try, and it’s not as if I deliberately choose him over her.

The awkward thing is I don’t have loads of help. The younger three’s dad is around but he’s unreliable, and I can’t always count on him to have them when he says he will. My eldest’s dad has her alternate weekends, but he lives far enough away that he can’t just pop over and take her somewhere. My mum helps if she can, but she’s got her own health issues and I can’t expect her to manage all four.

I know DD13 has missed out on things and I hate that she feels this way. At the same time, I can’t just pretend DS doesn’t have additional needs because his sister wants to go somewhere. Sometimes I can arrange for someone to take him or stay with him, but it isn’t always possible, and I can’t afford to pay for childcare every time either.

I did tell her she matters just as much as the others, but she said she knows I love her and that’s not the point. Which I suppose is fair enough. I just don’t know what I’m meant to say when I can’t promise things will change overnight. I don’t want her to feel she’s had to grow up quicker because she’s the oldest, but I also can’t magic up another adult to help me.

Has anyone else been in this position with siblings, especially when one child needs more support? How do you make the other children feel seen without making promises you might not be able to keep?

Sounds like the lasting resentment has already set in. Imagine struggling to get attention due to one sibling and then the parent choosing to have even more children on top. Poor kid.

What is your plan for your DS when he is an adult? When you are no longer able to cope with him or are no longer here?

Frankly? You need to work harder at giving your daughter (and the other two) more of your time.

Every day on MN, I am astonished by how useless and selfish men are, not just leaving their partners and wives to parent on their own, but also roping in their ill mums-in- law.

You have my sympathy, we have the same situation but I only have two children and I have a moderately reliable husband.

We have found autistic child is better able to cope now they are out of mainstream, now they aren’t breaking down over school they have more scope for other things.

As she is at high school is there no time that she has different school days to her siblings? We utilise these for 1-2-1 time with each child.

I don’t have any advice on this specific situation, but all I can say is that I also have a DD who’s resentful of the attention I’ve given others (my mother is mentally ill and had very high needs for a few years) and she didn’t say anything at the end so it all came out much later. I wish she had said something back then and I would definitely have tried to do things differently. We still did lots and lots 1:1 but it obviously doesn’t seem to have met her needs quite right.

Your situation is much trickier as it’s your children, but I hope you work out something so that your DD doesn’t grow resentful like mine. I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle sometimes.

Her dad having her live with him isn’t really something we’ve discussed and I don’t think she’d want to move away from her friends and school. They have a good relationship but he works and she has her own life here, its not as simple as just packing her off to her dads because things are difficult at home. I do get that people think I’m not prioritising her but she’s not my last thought, I love her just as much as the others.

DS does have support at school but the EHCP side of things has been a bit of a process and I’m still trying to get everything sorted for the next stage. I’m aware secondary could be difficult for him and I’m worried about that already.

I know I sound defensive but it is hard reading that I’ve ruined DD’s life when I’m trying to keep everything going.

It must be hard. Do the others go to bed and stay in bed? Could you try having a hot chocolate date, watching a series together once others in bed ( a fil might be too long a commitment) Gilmore girls is a good one.

get her and you face packs to put on one night etc

show her you e listened and are trying.

An acquaintance of mine is the child with additional needs in this situation. She was prioritised all through childhood and her older sibling left at the first opportunity. It has split the family, the older brother missed their father’s illness and funeral and has only just started spending time with their mum again.

I think the most important thing to share is that my acquaintance (no longer a friend) has grown up expecting to be prioritised. We’re all in our forties now and I’m not the only one to make a conscious decision to step back from her.

Listen to DD. And show her she matters.

I used to teach children with moderate to severe disabilities and this was a very, very common issue. Naturally the child with disabilities takes up a lot of time and energy, so other children do tend to get less focus. Where it became a real issue was in situations where a parent treated a child like a co-parent, depending on them, confiding in them and expecting them to be much more mature than they should be for their age. It was an easy trap to fall into and a very hard one for parents to recognise.

Your DD wants to be a kid and she wants her mummy. It's a normal reaction for a new teenager - growing up is scary. She raised this issue with you in a really mature way (which indicates that she has had to grow up fast) and it's great you're considering it carefully.

Don't despair - I think it's totally fixable, but it does take energy, time thought and planning, which is in short supply I'm sure. Your DD is tired of seeing her brother being parented while she's treated like a fellow adult. You need to mother her in a very obvious way - but take it slowly, because if you try too hard straight of the bat it'll seem weird and forced. Remember back to when she was a baby and how she needed you. That hasn't changed, no matter how grown up she appears to be.

you don’t even seem apologetic

know I sound defensive but it is hard reading that I’ve ruined DD’s life when I’m trying to keep everything going.

You haven't ruined her life i know you will be picking up on the negative posts, but you haven't ruined her life, she is communicating her feelings to you that is a positive, you can work through it with her.

This is true. Sometimes it’s difficult to hear, but stating facts shouldn’t just be dismissed as ‘victim blaming’ - that’s a cheap get-out.

look at it from the dd’s perspective… she was still a toddler when her parents split and by the age of 3, she had a younger sibling, and then despite the additional needs and the demands those caused, two more younger siblings came along. That’s a lot for any child to deal with. I suspect this has been years coming. She’s learned to appear independent and managing because that’s what’s expected of her.

I think the pp’s suggestion of returning to the conversation in a few days time is a good one. Show that you’ve genuinely thought about what your dd said and that you’re aware she’s unhappy. And then it needs to be backed up with action and some changes (some good practical suggestions on here) otherwise it will reduce her trust even more

It sounds really tough but just to focus on the positives for a moment: youve raised a mature girl who can articulate her feelings well and has a strong enough bond with you to share them with you. that’s a really strong place to work from!

I don’t know exactly what the solution is but i think you should acknowledge that she has made a fair observation and apologise. Reiterate that he doesn’t get more attention because he matters more, only because he has higher needs and that you don’t always know how to balance everything as a single mum but you’re sorry that she’s missed out because of him and that there are times you’ve probably got it wrong.

Then try to schedule a mother daughter day. I know it’s easier said than done. But do your very best not to cut it short!

> I know DD13 has missed out on things and I hate that she feels this way
Have you told her that?
Acknowledging her issue as valid might help you both cope with it
Relate https://www.relate.org.uk/ offer family counselling, which might help, and advice, which definitely could

Yeah, I agree. I feel for her.

Your ex needs to take his sons for the day. You can take your daughters out for a girly day.

You need to schedule regular time (once a week) with your eldest dd away from her brother who you prioritise. If you don’t then don’t be shocked when she goes off the rails and ends up being rebellious, mixing with the wrong crowd etc to get your attention. 13 is a VERY crucial age. She might end up very different in her mid-late teens.

I’m sorry your kids dads are so useless OP. Their unreliability is a large issue here and has. If there’s no way of pinning them down more then I really do think it’s time to explore external, paid help. Because there’s only one of you at 4 children and even without one child having additional needs, it is going to be very difficult to give each child the required level of attention.

It’s good that she has shared this with you OP. Try not to be defensive, she’s only young herself and it’s a really positive sign that she was able to say this in a no -heated moment.

Sorry OP - it must be a lot to juggle.

When you say your DS struggles, what does that actually entail? And if he’s in school full time why can’t he be expected to manage a family day out once in a while?

And do you work? You say DD’s dad does, but don’t mention yourself. If you don’t, I’d take her out of school secretly on occasion to spend time with her. And if you do I still would, if you can spare the day of holiday.

You already seemed focused on him starting high school next year on a thread that’s meant to be about your daughter. Like other posters, I think it might be useful for you to take the pressure off yourself to make everything perfect for him. Big change in mindset, but it sounds like it’s a lot of pressure and having unintended consequences.

Prioritise that. A day out with her when he has an inset. Is the youngest one at nursery?

fwiw I think you sound like a lovely, thoughtful mum and she sounds like she knows she’s loved. I’ve got five siblings and although I didn’t have a sibling with additional needs we did live out in the sticks and competed for lifts and general attention! There’s not a huge amount you can do but would planning something at home for the two of you or her and friends be an option? That way your son is in his safe space and you can manage him elsewhere. Like a special sleepover where her and her friends take over the lounge or a pamper night or something?

Just to mention, I have a disability. Which if left to my father I would have been wrapped up in cotton wool. He would have anticipated I would not be able to do something or it would be too much. My school incidentally were the same. I should have gone up to the first stream in English but they didn’t want to cause me stress. The stress for me was not putting me up !

My mother ( not for the right reasons) pretended I did not have a disability and so there was no anticipated might not be able to cope. I had to do everything everyone else did. It was the best thing for me. Unbeknown to her. I also expected myself to be able to do things, because she expected me to. I do wonder if she had not whether I would have thought the same.

I do read these threads and feel there is a lot of anticipated worry and concern. Before anything has actually happened.

Why on Earth did you have a
further 2 children with this useless man?!
your poor daughter.

I hate to say this but I was the eldest daughter out of 3, with the youngest having a severe learning disability. At the time we were told to accept it and that is just how it was due to her needs, but only now do I realise how her needs were (and still are!) prioritised. I do understand it but I rarely spent time alone with my mum an

Just loving children is not enough though. Your DD has told you loudly and clearly that she feels neglected. She's become independent because she's had to be, and you've taken advantage of that.

Please tell her how brave she was to talk to you and actively look at ways to change it. At 13, she presumably might stay up later than the rest, so why not have an hour or even half an hour at night where you have some 1-1 time? Doesn't have to be every night. She might have some ideas of her own. I used to still read bedtime stories with mine at this age -well they weren't really bedtime stories, they were just an excuse for us to spend time together. Sometimes we read; sometimes they talked about what had happened that day or what was bothering them. Sometimes we sat and coloured together or did some other low energy activity.

This poor girl. Half your post is about how hard it is for DS and what you are doing for him. You need to step up and look at arrangements that allow her to feel seen and cared for. Have the council done a care assessment? Do you get carer's allowance, that could pay for someone to come in and watch your son, youngest two go to grandma and you and daughter have quality time. Are you in touch with the Autism Society? If not contact them. I second Young Carers. Also Scope may be able to help. You should also enquire about respite care. If you haven't looked at all the resources that are out there ( a quick google will do it) you are being passive and that will not benefit your daughter or your relationship with her. Hot chocolate on the sofa and watching TV after everyone else has been wrestled into bed doesn't cut it. Good luck but please fix it now before it is too late.