DD says everything in this house revolves around her brother and I don’t know what to say to her

[Bettyprime]

I’m a single mum to 4, DD13, DS10, DS7 and DD3. DS10 is autistic and needs quite a lot of support with everyday things, especially changes to plans and busy places. He’s not a naughty child, he just gets overwhelmed quite quickly and once he’s past a certain point there’s not much I can do except get him somewhere quiet and let him settle. I’m not really sure how to explain it without making him sound like a nightmare because he isn’t, but it can be hard work.

DD13 has always been quite independent and doesn’t ask for much. She’s into music and seeing her friends and mostly just gets on with things. I’ve probably relied on that a bit too much if I’m honest. Last weekend she wanted me to take her and a friend into town and then collect them later. DS was already having a difficult day and I couldn’t make it work, so she ended up getting the bus with her friend instead. She was fine at the time but yesterday she told me she’s sick of everything being about him and that she feels like she doesn’t matter unless I’m needed for something.

It wasn’t said in a massive row either, which probably made it worse. She was helping me put some washing away and just said it like she’d been thinking about it for ages. I asked her what she meant and she said we never do anything she wants because I’m always worrying about how DS will cope. She brought up a day out we’d planned in the summer that we cut short because he was struggling, and a cinema trip we’d talked about but never actually booked. I could feel myself getting defensive because I do try, and it’s not as if I deliberately choose him over her.

The awkward thing is I don’t have loads of help. The younger three’s dad is around but he’s unreliable, and I can’t always count on him to have them when he says he will. My eldest’s dad has her alternate weekends, but he lives far enough away that he can’t just pop over and take her somewhere. My mum helps if she can, but she’s got her own health issues and I can’t expect her to manage all four.

I know DD13 has missed out on things and I hate that she feels this way. At the same time, I can’t just pretend DS doesn’t have additional needs because his sister wants to go somewhere. Sometimes I can arrange for someone to take him or stay with him, but it isn’t always possible, and I can’t afford to pay for childcare every time either.

I did tell her she matters just as much as the others, but she said she knows I love her and that’s not the point. Which I suppose is fair enough. I just don’t know what I’m meant to say when I can’t promise things will change overnight. I don’t want her to feel she’s had to grow up quicker because she’s the oldest, but I also can’t magic up another adult to help me.

Has anyone else been in this position with siblings, especially when one child needs more support? How do you make the other children feel seen without making promises you might not be able to keep?

I would do all this.

I really feel for you. My youngest has additional needs and while I try my very, very best not to let it affect what I am able to do with my elder 2, inevitably it sometimes does. They are able to understand that he requires more care than them through no fault of his own, but obviously I am very conscious of how this affects them.
One of the little things I do is to make sure I’ve always got a series to watch with the girls. At the moment it’s Traitors. We will watch it when DS has gone to bed, meaning that they have the treat of a ‘late night’ up with me too. We also get special snacks in.
On the giving lifts thing, often my DS just has to suck that up.

As your DD is coming up to GCSE age, have you considered letting her move in with her Dad? Is this even a possibility?

Her home life sounds quite difficult and (as she pointed out) your DD is low down on your list of priorities, so if she could move to a school in her Dad’s area and live there during her exam years (assuming his home is less chaotic), could that be a solution? And would DD want that?

I have the same difficulties here. I also know that it's simply not as easy as just saying, prioritise your daughter, as some posters have stated. If you could you would but when you're pulled in 2 directions at once it's not possible. The needs of an autistic child can be completely overwhelming at times.

I would recommend you look into Young Carers. It is for children impacted my the care needs of a sibling. You absolutely do qualify.

My DD goes to a Young Carers session at her Secondary School. She enjoys it. They've been on trips, eat snacks, play on the Xbox etc and she's made some friends there.

Our Council also offers Young Carer activities. She did some great activities like paddleboarding a few years ago. Unfortunately they only get that support for 1 year which is a bit of a shame but it was good while it lasted. (Typical Council though - like caring issues just go away after 12 months and they've filled in the tick in their "have provided support" box......)

Being listed as a Young Carer has also opened the door to some other opportunities such as a summer camp she was invited on this summer that she loved.

I've always said to her that I know it's hard sometimes when I can't do exactly what she wants when she wants it because of her sibling. However, I will always do my best and hopefully some of the Young Carer activities she's been able to do help soften the impact of when things aren't easy.

You really need to try and find a way to spend some time with your DD. If she’s saying this to you, it’s important to her.

My DS really dislikes my DD. If you ask him why, it’s because her level of need for about 6 years, really did control the entire house and he is resentful. I tried really hard to balance time with both of them and what they needed but it wasn’t enough and looking back, it was more towards DD than DS.

I feel very regretful about that but I fell into the trap that he was self sufficient to a point and didn’t need me as much, in hindsight he needed me more, he just wasn’t vocal about it at the time.

It is a hard balance to juggle.

The ‘glass child’ syndrome is real. Your dd is crying out to be heard- and just because she’s done it in a mature and reasonable way (not just kicking off) doesn’t diminish how she’s feeling.

I realise you’ve got a lot on your plate - 4 kids, big age gaps, I mean even without the additional needs, your dd had to cope with 3 younger siblings by a new man by the time she was ten. I suspect this has been a long tIme coming and there’s been years of build up of feeling she’s a lower priority.

Good practical advice on here about getting Young Carers support. I also agree that there are probably times when you shouldn’t be prioritising the ds if he’s overwhelmed or being difficult…. His needs don’t trump anyone else’s and it may be that he needs to see that there are times when you are directing your attention towards his siblings and not just him. It’s easy as a parent to go with whatever makes for a quiet life in the short term- so if one child is more vocal, acting out more, being visibly more demanding, then their needs get put first. But that’s a sure fire way to ending up with very difficult family relationships all round.

@Bettyprime I see this a lot through work (child therapy) and it does have an impact on the yp, who is the sibling of a child with additional needs. Sometimes there isn’t much a family can do and the consequences will be what they will be. The families I have seen make it work well have done;

*Young Carers group (whether you ask her to do actual caring or not she is impacted by his needs and it disadvantages her and impacts her wellbeing, you could probably evidence this enough to get her into the groups if your area has them)
*Once a week or fortnight, when DS is in bed, let DD stay up late and have a movie night with her with snacks etc. She is older so this could work well.
*Arrange more communication time between you (texts memes calls journal check ins), let her know you are thinking of her not just DS. I know you will be and I know many of the parents I work with try their absolute best with limited resource and support but teens are very ego centric and ‘here and now’ in their thinking. They need demonstration of care rather than abstract concept of care. They still need to be reminded they are being kept in mind.
*Sometimes do something that slightly challenges DS, I’m not talking catastrophic or harmful, or even frequently, I mean a day where he doesn’t get what he wants. Doesn’t have to be a day out etc but choice for tea time, movie choice etc. It may derail the whole day but can demonstrate to DDs that they matter too. It may also help him increase flexibility as he gets older. You’ll have to judge whether the cost is worth the benefit here.

*Let school know how she feels if she consents to this, they may be able to offer some pastoral check ins - feeling valued and seen by an adult can help.
*Cook her favourite food once a week - breakfast tea whatever
I’m sure there’s loads more

Try to do small things with her. A movie and popcorn at home. Cook something together that’s her favourite. Arrange a fake dentist appointment and get her out of school for the afternoon and go to a café. Little things like face masks or pedicures at home.

@Bettyprime .in personal experience of teenage girls, 13 and 14 can be an especially tricky time, your Dd sounds kind and considerate, but you do want to try and nurture her a little bit rather than think oh she is resilient and independent, it is fine to acknowledge her brother does take up time and that you do appreciate her patience and how difficult she finds it,

I was going to post about young carers support too, and making sure school knows the situation.

Surely your DS needs to learn that some things are about other people. I don't mean that in 'just tell him' way because he is not going to learn that way.

But things like you said you had to leave an event, how much time did he have to get used tot he idea of the event?

Could you plan some things DD wants to do next summer holidays and get DS used to the idea and prepared for it.

DD13 has always been quite independent and doesn’t ask for much.

Probably because she has had to be, and she knows it's no use asking. I feel for her.

Yes changes effect them but you can't just focus on that one child. He needs to learn that your attention needs to equally shared between all 4 of your children. Its possible to do but its down to you. I have two autistic children it can be hard but its not fair on your other children in their eyes your favouring one over the other 3 and while that may not be true thats how they will see it. You must make a effort with your eldest before its to late as this will determine your relationship with her for the rest of her life.

And I don’t really understand the logic of having three more children as well.
It’s just not fair.
Glass child syndrome. Your poor daughter.

OP im sure people will come along with practical advice, but in the short term one little way you can help towards her feeling like she is a priority, and maybe later today or in a couple of days, go into her room at bedtime and say something along the lines of:
'i want you to know i've been thinking really hard about what you said the other day, and im so glad you could talk to me about it, that was very brave as thats a tough conversation to have for both of us, and im just so proud of who you are growing up to be. I just wanted to come in here and tell you that I think you are right, and I want to make some changes. I also want you to know that I find it really tough to try and balance it all around here, and sometimes I just dont have any alternative options to help out with DS and the little ones, but I want you to know that im going to be keeping it in mind a lot more and making changes where I can'

The fact that you, her parent, the adult, has gone away and given her opinion a lot of consideration, will mean something. As will being very clear about what you are going to try and do next and not committing to overnight perfection.

I'm going to be straight talking here - but she's right and she will leave as soon as she can and not look back. You've put her in a position where she's your last thought and she has to effectively raise herself. There's no fixing it either - because you continued to have children with someone who didn't pull his weight, despite having a son with challenging needs. Can she go and live with her dad?

Also @Bettyprime DD is 13 DS is 10.

In 3 years, your relationship with her Dad has ended, you’ve started a new relationship and had a baby. That’s a lot to deal with, without everything else.

All before your DD is even school age.

OP is not a victim. She chose to have 4 kids.

Is there any childrens charities around you that could help you with your son, additional needs play schemes or clubs ? I used to work with a SEN play charity where we would do play sessions and youth clubs, i appreciate these resources might not be near you.

Bit left field, and quite likely won't fit with your home, but have you looked into an autism assistance dog? They can be a very calming influence for the child with autism but can be a friend to all the family. Wondering if things that help your son to cope better might have a knock-on positive effect for her. (I bet she's lovely... all the people I know with a sibling needing significant support seem to be.)

I think this is a great idea.

The thing is, you had these kids expecting to have two adults looking after them so I don't think you should be beating yourself up too much that one man has moved too far away to be useful and the other is unreliable. You're doing an awful lot more than either of them...

Regarding the 10 year old, does he have proper support at school through an EHCP and do you have a suitable secondary school in mind? My autistic child was really difficult at 10 but I managed to do a good job of the primary to secondary transition and she has improved a lot.

This is a situation that is not easily resolved, it's a result of your sons disability not a failure on your part, or on your sons part. So maybe what your DD needs most of all is acknowledgement. Have you acknowledged to her that this is the case and yes it is rubbish? I know with my kids I had a habit of trying to deflect and say things were not that bad for fear of causing friction between siblings, but this in itself is problematic and dismisses her feelings

Then maybe little things can help her feel better, 15 mins watching something she likes or just having a little chat once the others are in bed (if that happens with any routine).

I would also look into the possibility of her living with her dad going forward. I know you said he lives some distance away, would he move closer so that she could stay at her school? It's awful being invisible at home and I wouldn't want her to lose her friends at this stage either as that would just make her even more lonely. She can then come and stay with you some weekends or a night here and there, but she would hopefully be able to have someone who sees her and has time for her around most of the time. If nothing changes it will just build resentment and you might lose your relationship with her for good.

I thought this, at least for a while before lasting resentment takes hold.