DD says everything in this house revolves around her brother and I don’t know what to say to her

[Bettyprime]

I’m a single mum to 4, DD13, DS10, DS7 and DD3. DS10 is autistic and needs quite a lot of support with everyday things, especially changes to plans and busy places. He’s not a naughty child, he just gets overwhelmed quite quickly and once he’s past a certain point there’s not much I can do except get him somewhere quiet and let him settle. I’m not really sure how to explain it without making him sound like a nightmare because he isn’t, but it can be hard work.

DD13 has always been quite independent and doesn’t ask for much. She’s into music and seeing her friends and mostly just gets on with things. I’ve probably relied on that a bit too much if I’m honest. Last weekend she wanted me to take her and a friend into town and then collect them later. DS was already having a difficult day and I couldn’t make it work, so she ended up getting the bus with her friend instead. She was fine at the time but yesterday she told me she’s sick of everything being about him and that she feels like she doesn’t matter unless I’m needed for something.

It wasn’t said in a massive row either, which probably made it worse. She was helping me put some washing away and just said it like she’d been thinking about it for ages. I asked her what she meant and she said we never do anything she wants because I’m always worrying about how DS will cope. She brought up a day out we’d planned in the summer that we cut short because he was struggling, and a cinema trip we’d talked about but never actually booked. I could feel myself getting defensive because I do try, and it’s not as if I deliberately choose him over her.

The awkward thing is I don’t have loads of help. The younger three’s dad is around but he’s unreliable, and I can’t always count on him to have them when he says he will. My eldest’s dad has her alternate weekends, but he lives far enough away that he can’t just pop over and take her somewhere. My mum helps if she can, but she’s got her own health issues and I can’t expect her to manage all four.

I know DD13 has missed out on things and I hate that she feels this way. At the same time, I can’t just pretend DS doesn’t have additional needs because his sister wants to go somewhere. Sometimes I can arrange for someone to take him or stay with him, but it isn’t always possible, and I can’t afford to pay for childcare every time either.

I did tell her she matters just as much as the others, but she said she knows I love her and that’s not the point. Which I suppose is fair enough. I just don’t know what I’m meant to say when I can’t promise things will change overnight. I don’t want her to feel she’s had to grow up quicker because she’s the oldest, but I also can’t magic up another adult to help me.

Has anyone else been in this position with siblings, especially when one child needs more support? How do you make the other children feel seen without making promises you might not be able to keep?

The posts about having 4 children are simply pointing out facts. Regardless of whether there are SEND, medical needs or whatever, 4 children is a lot. There seems to be an assumption from a few posters that a woman should feel totally justified in having as many children as she feels she’d like. Wanting a child and feeling that it’s the right thing to bring it into the existing family, feeling that you can meet not just the physical needs, but the emotional needs, are two very different things. There must be many people who stopped at one, two or three children who had the desire for more, but weighed it up and realised it would compromise the existing children.

And yes, before anyone piles on, I’m well aware that contraception can fail, sometimes SEND needs aren’t as apparent or impactful until a child is older, and medical needs can occur further down the line.

But looking at the plain facts, the OP’s dd must have already gone through the break up of her parents as a toddler. Then her mum had a baby with a new partner by the time she was 3. Then another half sibling when she was 6. And then just at the point when the third child must have been starting school and there would have been more time and head space in the family, another newborn was added to the mix. By the age of 10, top of Primary school and about to transition to secondary, which is a potentially challenging time, the dd had 3 younger half siblings, one of whom has autism which impacts the whole family. These are just facts, not a stick to beat the OP with, but trying to see it from the dd’s perspective, she’s had major changes in her life during her formative years. That’s why I’m sure this isn’t a ‘now’ feeling, nor is it about a lift into town or any one specific issue; it’s probably a build up of years of feeling that she needs to just fit in and shouldn’t voice her needs.

it’s actually a positive thing that she’s felt able to now express her feelings. In many cases, the ‘glass child’ will continue to repress how they truly feel and may suffer mental health issues further down the line or at the very least will have very damaged family relationships.

Posters discussing the situation honestly and openly are not just piling onto the OP, they are providing insights to how the dd is feeling. Alongside this, many have offered practical advice on how to best deal with this going forward

DS has to live in the real world at some point. Everyone is NOT going to accommodate his actions. If you don't change now you're going to wonder in 10 to 15 years while your daughter doesn't want anything to do with you. Maybe your other children as well.

I was this child.

I never looked back after I left home for university.

My mum was busy anyway with my sibling. I never really felt I mattered fir more than being good at helping out at home, being polite and being independent.

I'm sure my mother didn't mean to but tbh it doesn't help me a lot.

As the younger sibling of an ADHD child, I know what your daughter is going through. It was hard not getting even the bare minimum of time and attention. Just an idea, youve mentioned about cinema and days out, but it could be as simple as having a special dinner together after the younger ones are fed. Or her favourite film on the TV, again just the two of you, with some snacks she likes. It doesn't have to be expensive or involve time off, just time and for her to be seen x

I think the one thing you can do for your DD is acknowledge honestly the validity of her feelings, and that the situation is less than ideal. Rather than getting defensive and denying the situation (which could feel like gaslighting and denying her feelings), be open about the difficulties that you all face as a family and ask if she has any ideas about how you could all work together to make things better for her and the other siblings.

That's the truth but it doesn't end when she gets to be 18, it doesn't end when she leaves home, adult family events are planned around the disabled child right through and during their adult life too. Holidays, Christmas, Granny can't take the part in grandkids lives she may want to and it goes on and on.

And as your parent gets older, they start to worry who will look after dear brother when they are gone....and the guilt magnifies. No one has to suggest its you....the guilt is there.

That's not anyone's fault, its just a fact of life.

I'm married and I have a lovely husband and I can honestly say that for the first time in my life, I feel; loved, seen and prioritised. I know my mum saw me, I know she loved me but no mater how much she wanted to prioritise me, the fact was I learnt to be independent because my DB couldn't cope without her. That was tough for me and it was tough for my mum.

I love my brother, I am glad I have him, but he cannot define my life.

Absolutely this x

I think it’s a real shame you found yourself getting defensive because she sounds incredibly emotionally mature. Both to bring this up without a row and by being able to recognise that while you may love them all equally, they do not receive equal attention. It’s fucking hard for siblings of autistic children, or children with other sen, they often feel sidelined. I understand that practicalities can force your hand but to say she’s always been independent etc etc is a little.. simplistic, I think. She’s been independent and just got on with things because that’s the way it’s had to be, sadly. I’d be doing anything in my power to forge opportunities for one on one time with her, doing things she really enjoys, however that may look.
In the interim, apologising without defensiveness is probably your first step. Trying to push back on her calmly and reasonably explaining her feelings will only push her even further away. I know life is hard for you… but it is for her too.

Just sending hugs to you, @Bettyprime
If people haven't been in our shoes, it's hard for them to understand. I'm sure you're doing the best that you can, & hopefully DS will settle a bit more as he gets older, as my DC have.

No you don't always get that chance in future just because you say thank you. I closed the door then I left home. Couldn't keep it open.

DS had a classmate who had a severely disabled younger sibling. Family life always revolved around the younger child’s needs - so his classmate didn’t have sleepovers or parties, family holidays were non existent as the sibling couldn’t cope outside of their usual routine. As he got older he really started noticing what he was missing out on and resentment set in.

After graduating from university a couple of years ago, he went to live and work abroad. I bumped into the mum a few months ago and she said she hasn’t seen him since. There’s the odd phone call but he’s refused to come home and obviously the family can’t travel to see him.

Your DD has been very brave speaking up, you need to do as much as you can to make her feel important or she may well do the same.

I think validating her feelings is really important, even if there's some things you just can't change.

In your shoes I'd say something like:

I've been thinking about what you said before and I'm sorry I reacted defensively. Sometimes it's hard not to feel defensive but I should have listened to you properly.

The truth is that you're feelings are completely valid. I know that your brother's disability has an impact on you and your life. That may not be his fault, but it doesn't make it fair that it causes you to miss out on things and I'm sorry for that. I will try my hardest to think of ways to limit this impact, but unfortunately I can't promise that his needs won't stop us from being able to do things again. It's ok if you feel angry, upset, or frustrated when that happens and I will always listen if you want to talk about your feelings.

You might have heard me say that your brother is perfect exactly as he is, or that I wouldn't change him for the world. And that's true, for me. I love all my children and think you're all perfect because that's my job as a mum. It doesn't mean that you have to feel the same way. Having negative feelings about our family situation doesn't make you any less wonderful a person or sister and I always want you to feel comfortable talking to me.

Tbh mum needs to do more than talk.

She sounds extremely grown up and I think she’d appreciate an open conversation. I suggest that you try to get the younger 3 to bed in good time yo have a boy of mother-daughter time in the evening.

This is heartbreaking. Your SEN child was what, 6/7 when you decided to have a third child?! With a feckless partner? She is crying out for love and attention and you aren’t listening!!

I think you need to actively pick her sometimes. Not times when everything is fine with her brother so you're free, but when their needs/wants clash but you pick her anyway. She needs to see that she matters just as much, not just being told that when you show her differently every time.

And how is she supposed to do that when they don’t live together and he cancels arrangements at the drop of a hat because he’s a twat . She can’t control him .

And ten when she had a 4th….

whats done is done and she can’t change that situation but it really highlights how having a biological urge for ‘just one more’ isn’t enough. Nor is loving a child enough. Parenting is a tough gig and there needs to be enough time and attention to meet everyone’s needs. The dd seems to have had to live with a lot of changes: parental split, mums new partner coming into her life, changing to the family dynamics every few years with a new baby, then the unreliable partner leaving…. I can’t imagine many 13 year olds would cope with that. The really sad thing is that if she’d reacted by kicking off, going off the rails etc then she’d have been noticed. But because she’s quietly put up with things, her needs have been ignored

And then a 4th child.

You can't return children but mum needs to realise what her daughter can do in a few years. She can leave the family behind and put herself first. Or she can act up as a teenager to be seen and mum will have an extra child to sort.

And tbh I hope she does put her own needs first despite what her mum wants or thinks. No one thanks her for not doing it.

I have seen siblings (also first hand myself) ruin their lives because of a SEN sibling's need been put before their own needs away also as a grown ups. It isn't fair but "darling you undrstand your sibling needs more than you".

If your eldest DD feels this way for the younger 2 as well? Do they get any 1-1 with you? Are there any centres where your eldest DS could go once a month so you can give attention to your other DC?

What makes me angry is the way your ex (father of the youngest 3) comes along and basically upends your daughters life, before pissing off and leaving her to suffer the consequences. He can't be bothered to step up and be reliable, and you can't force him to, as a result DD suffers.

" biological urge for ‘just one more’ isn’t enough" I have to say that this is unfair, unless I missed it, the OP has not said when her son was diagnosed, it could have been after she had more children or the severity of the issue may not have been as obvious.

It particularly hard to get a firm diagnosis at the moment and life goes on in the meantime.

Most parents have full time job today. Having four children will challenge most parents even not having a SEN child. It's not easier having children with different fathers. Often you know as parents early that "something" is different with a child often years before a diagnosis.
But done is done.

Yes, and I made the point in an earlier post that a child’s needs may develop or become more challenging at a later point in childhood. But the fact remains that the dd has had a huge number of destabilising events in her life quite aside from
the SEND issue. Her parents split when she was a toddler, she then had her mums new partner come along and a new baby by the time she was 3, then two more babies while she was still in primary school, then the new partner and her mum splitting. Thats a lot for any child to cope with and she’s probably been feeling sidelined and that her needs aren’t being met for a long time. The OP was also going into the new relationship and 3 more children having already had a relationship with DD’s dad break down so it’s not like she didn’t know relationships don’t always last. I don’t think anyone on here is denying things are very difficult for the OP but that’s not a justification for overlooking one child’s needs

You’ve got to pull the defensiveness out of this because it doesn’t matter how hard you’ve tried, your daughter’s telling you it’s not enough. It’s brutal but imagine how bad it must feel to her for it to be bad enough to speak up. She loves you enough to take on the discomfort of speaking up to try and fix things. She’s very brave.

I’d do a couple of things. Definitely connect with young carers if there’s a local group - I used to volunteer with them here and it was a good way to get days out and fun without having to worry about how a sibling would cope. It’s not enough by itself because it’s not a replacement for your attention but it’s something.

I agree with whoever said they’d take her out of school for a day to do something together whilst your son is at school.

I also agree that there needs to be the occasional time when your daughter is prioritised, as long as your son is safe. When she sees you choose her.

Finally whatever you would do if you needed to drop everything and be there for your daughter - if she had to be in hospital for example - do that. Treat this as the emergency it is. Use an emergency plan to have time with your daughter.