DD says everything in this house revolves around her brother and I don’t know what to say to her

[Bettyprime]

I’m a single mum to 4, DD13, DS10, DS7 and DD3. DS10 is autistic and needs quite a lot of support with everyday things, especially changes to plans and busy places. He’s not a naughty child, he just gets overwhelmed quite quickly and once he’s past a certain point there’s not much I can do except get him somewhere quiet and let him settle. I’m not really sure how to explain it without making him sound like a nightmare because he isn’t, but it can be hard work.

DD13 has always been quite independent and doesn’t ask for much. She’s into music and seeing her friends and mostly just gets on with things. I’ve probably relied on that a bit too much if I’m honest. Last weekend she wanted me to take her and a friend into town and then collect them later. DS was already having a difficult day and I couldn’t make it work, so she ended up getting the bus with her friend instead. She was fine at the time but yesterday she told me she’s sick of everything being about him and that she feels like she doesn’t matter unless I’m needed for something.

It wasn’t said in a massive row either, which probably made it worse. She was helping me put some washing away and just said it like she’d been thinking about it for ages. I asked her what she meant and she said we never do anything she wants because I’m always worrying about how DS will cope. She brought up a day out we’d planned in the summer that we cut short because he was struggling, and a cinema trip we’d talked about but never actually booked. I could feel myself getting defensive because I do try, and it’s not as if I deliberately choose him over her.

The awkward thing is I don’t have loads of help. The younger three’s dad is around but he’s unreliable, and I can’t always count on him to have them when he says he will. My eldest’s dad has her alternate weekends, but he lives far enough away that he can’t just pop over and take her somewhere. My mum helps if she can, but she’s got her own health issues and I can’t expect her to manage all four.

I know DD13 has missed out on things and I hate that she feels this way. At the same time, I can’t just pretend DS doesn’t have additional needs because his sister wants to go somewhere. Sometimes I can arrange for someone to take him or stay with him, but it isn’t always possible, and I can’t afford to pay for childcare every time either.

I did tell her she matters just as much as the others, but she said she knows I love her and that’s not the point. Which I suppose is fair enough. I just don’t know what I’m meant to say when I can’t promise things will change overnight. I don’t want her to feel she’s had to grow up quicker because she’s the oldest, but I also can’t magic up another adult to help me.

Has anyone else been in this position with siblings, especially when one child needs more support? How do you make the other children feel seen without making promises you might not be able to keep?

Telling her she matters as much as him doesn't matter one iota if you don't demonstrate it. She has listing multiple events where her life has been negatively affected by you prioritising your son. You need to start keeping your promises even if that means discomfort for DS. It doesn't sound like he is at the stage or needing, or qualifying for respite care, so you will need to get to the stage where he has to muck in. Contact autism support groups if needed.

This is extremely difficult and I think very common in families where one child has significant additional needs. And it's not fair. But it's also not possible to change it.

The one thing I do think you perhaps need to really figure out a way to make work is to live up to whatever you've agreed to do with your DD. So, it might be that you have to be honest with her that you can't always drop everything to give her a lilft or that as the eldest, she will get a bit less day to day support BUT, if you DO agree to do something or go somewhere or whatever, you have to consider that a cast in stone activity. S oyes, it might be fewer, but she knows that if you say you'll do something, you'll do it.

So that might mean yes, planning and booking that cinema trip, and preparing for your DS to need extra support - perhaps that IS the one day you book childcare or are prepared to book it if your ex doesn't turn up. Ditto if you've agreed to help her with something or give her a lift, you have to do it, even if that inconveniences your DS. Just be mindful of what you agree to do.

I think that the inconsistency and unreliability is probably more of an issue for her than the fact that you need to do more for her younger siblings.

Can your mother on occasion care just for your son (not all three) so you can on occasion have time with the theee, focussing on activities your oldest would prefer?

Also - you mention getting defensive when your oldest calmly explained how she felt, even though she was not being aggressive. I would sit down with her and apologise, saying you hadn’t fully appreciated how she was feeling and hadn’t meant to be defensive. And explore together how things can refocus, with some focus on her, notwithstanding the family dynamic and your son’s (disruptive) extra needs

it’s not easy - you have my sympathies

You say your dd has always been independent, she’s been this way because she’s had to be.

she is crying out for attention, is there any way once a month you and her can have a day out, doing something she has chosen to do? A day where she is your main priority, I understand it’s difficult having a child with additional needs but all your children have their own needs and it’s a shame for someone to feel this way.

I hope you can sort something out.

Do you have a local Young Carers group? They off great support to siblings of disabled children.

I have tried leaving him with mum before but she struggles when he gets overwhelmed, especially at the moment. He has more hard days than easy ones really, its got worse since he started juniors a few years ago. When he was little he was actually easier for other people to look after if that makes sense, he was quite happy pottering about and would go along with things more. Now if he’s having a bad day it can be a lot for someone who isn’t used to dealing with it and I don’t want mum feeling she can’t cope with him.

What do you mean by saying the youngest 3's dad is around but unreliable? Are you still with him? He is the problem here because if he would step up and parent his children you wouldn't be letting your dd down so often

Sounds like your DD is very mature for her age and has let you know how she is feeling. You need to listen and work out a way to make her feel important too.

It sounds really hard OP and in the case for many families where one or more child has additional needs. Is there any way that you could use time when DS and the younger 2 are in bed to have some special time with your DD. She is older and I presume stays up much later, perhaps you can plan a movie night or pamper night once a month, or every couple of weeks, where you know the younger ones are settled and it can just be the two of you, without needing any child care? I know that’s not the same as a day out, but your D sounds really sensible and may understand that time together needs to fit around the others but can be made with a bit of planning.

I sympathise. I think there’s a lot about the effects on parents with SEN children (and rightly so) but not perhaps enough on what it’s like to be a sibling to one.

No we’re not together, we split about 18 months ago. By unreliable I mean he’ll say he’s having them or make plans and then cancel, sometimes last minute. It’s not every single time but enough that I can’t really rely on it if that makes sense.

She was really brave saying this to you, I really hope you acknowledged that because it probably was very hard for her.

You need to work out a way to give her your time, looking for an experienced babysitter could be an option if you don’t have other help and then you can go to do something purely with her even just for an hour or two. Teenagers need their parents to be there, in some ways they need you more at this stage than ever before.

Tbf I probably won’t be agreed with on this but I was the oldest sister in this scenario with a sister with a learning disability and I constantly felt the same. It was made clear my sister had disability money that was spent on her so I knew she got more than me, I was never the focus and had a rocky relationship with my mum due to it. My mum then died young and now I’m my sisters carer as well as a mum to my own child, but it did teach me that life is about considering others. There’s literally not much you can do about your situation and if you stopped what you do for your son then life would be resolving more around her. It’s sadly part of life that families are different with different needs but maybe my view of being that sister is a bit clouded

Are the other dc getting support from young carers?

Very genuinely, what would this look like?

Thing is , it's not just that you have a child with high needs you then added a further 2 siblings into the mix. No wonder she feels like she does

Common problem in many families that have a disabled child. Your daughter has had a lot to deal with, a new sibling every few years by a dad that isn't hers, so a "different" family. She had to become little mummy to your youngest 2 whilst you dealt with your second child.
As you have said some much can't happen because of child 2 and plans always revolve around him, you daughter is telling you how she feels so it is time to listen and do something about it.

At the same time, I can’t just pretend DS doesn’t have additional needs because his sister wants to go somewhere. this bit broke my heart, I know it wasn't how you meant it, but she doesn't want you to drop everything because she wants to go somewhere, she feels neglected and can't even get a basic bit of one on one time by having a lift with you. When you said you had planned a day together in the summer, it sounded like the days you have with her are incredibly few and far between. I know its tough, but can you not just bunk her off school on a PE day - fake a migraine or something and take her out when the others are in school and you are uninterrupted? She'll struggle for it in the long run, as I think she feels she has no one on her side.

Now if he’s having a bad day it can be a lot for someone who isn’t used to dealing with it and I don’t want mum feeling she can’t cope with him.
This comment shows me you are prioritising your Mum and son over your DD. If your Mum offered, let her help.

You need to make that useless man you had 3 kids with step up.

Young carers group here arranges days out, has activities and outside speakers come in, lots of feelings work and emotional help/resilience stuff. Also some really cool stuff like sometimes film premieres, special days out at theme parks where it’s closed to everyone else, the local seasonal
ice rink at a stately home opens especially for them, even some overnight stuff. We are in London though at a high profile group but I’m sure similar stuff everywhere

I haven’t looked into young carers tbh, I don’t really know what that would look like for us or whether she’d even want that.

I don’t expect DD to care for her brother or the younger two, she’s not little mummy and I wouldn’t want her to feel like she has to be. She helps with normal things around the house same as I think is reasonable for a 13 year old but I’m not leaving her responsible for them while I go off and do things.

Start by saying something like 'Thank you for being brave enough to tell me this. I hear what you're saying and I'm glad I've got chance to talk to you about it. Can we talk a bit more soon?'

Then start looking for micro-opportunities. There must be some time you could e.g. play a short game of cards with her. Just the act of saying - I have set aside half an hour just for you if you would like to hang out with me?

Don't promise whole days that then don't happen - it would be better to promise 30 minutes and follow through.

This is victim blaming. It's not possible to make another adult do anything.

I feel so sorry for your daughter. You need to prioritise her.