DD says everything in this house revolves around her brother and I don’t know what to say to her

[Bettyprime]

I’m a single mum to 4, DD13, DS10, DS7 and DD3. DS10 is autistic and needs quite a lot of support with everyday things, especially changes to plans and busy places. He’s not a naughty child, he just gets overwhelmed quite quickly and once he’s past a certain point there’s not much I can do except get him somewhere quiet and let him settle. I’m not really sure how to explain it without making him sound like a nightmare because he isn’t, but it can be hard work.

DD13 has always been quite independent and doesn’t ask for much. She’s into music and seeing her friends and mostly just gets on with things. I’ve probably relied on that a bit too much if I’m honest. Last weekend she wanted me to take her and a friend into town and then collect them later. DS was already having a difficult day and I couldn’t make it work, so she ended up getting the bus with her friend instead. She was fine at the time but yesterday she told me she’s sick of everything being about him and that she feels like she doesn’t matter unless I’m needed for something.

It wasn’t said in a massive row either, which probably made it worse. She was helping me put some washing away and just said it like she’d been thinking about it for ages. I asked her what she meant and she said we never do anything she wants because I’m always worrying about how DS will cope. She brought up a day out we’d planned in the summer that we cut short because he was struggling, and a cinema trip we’d talked about but never actually booked. I could feel myself getting defensive because I do try, and it’s not as if I deliberately choose him over her.

The awkward thing is I don’t have loads of help. The younger three’s dad is around but he’s unreliable, and I can’t always count on him to have them when he says he will. My eldest’s dad has her alternate weekends, but he lives far enough away that he can’t just pop over and take her somewhere. My mum helps if she can, but she’s got her own health issues and I can’t expect her to manage all four.

I know DD13 has missed out on things and I hate that she feels this way. At the same time, I can’t just pretend DS doesn’t have additional needs because his sister wants to go somewhere. Sometimes I can arrange for someone to take him or stay with him, but it isn’t always possible, and I can’t afford to pay for childcare every time either.

I did tell her she matters just as much as the others, but she said she knows I love her and that’s not the point. Which I suppose is fair enough. I just don’t know what I’m meant to say when I can’t promise things will change overnight. I don’t want her to feel she’s had to grow up quicker because she’s the oldest, but I also can’t magic up another adult to help me.

Has anyone else been in this position with siblings, especially when one child needs more support? How do you make the other children feel seen without making promises you might not be able to keep?

I’m not sure there is tbh. I think it’s for children caring for parents.

Definitely not….. my experience is of a sibling going.

Also, I appreciate it's very difficult with a child with SEN, BUT, sometimes, helping him NOT to have a difficult day is simply not as important as helping your DD to have a good day.

It can be hard because they dont' cope and the fall out can be worse but I've seen this with a friend and I really feel things have improved in their house and for their NT DS since she started accepting that she simply can't always keep things lovely and perfect for her DD. And actually, her DD is building resilience and I've been very proud of her yself on a few days out at how she's handled things she wouldn't have been able to cope with previously.

This is easier said than done but you need to seek professional support via GP/Social services/ charities to ensure that your son becomes more resilient and independent and improve his coping mechanisms. It totally can be done. His conditions are affecting your children. Your daughter sounds very intelligent but if more of your energy goes to your son, the younger two will fall at the wayside. This is a comment on a forum. The reality is a lot more difficult which I fully empathise with.

Are they at the same school? Does she ever get a day off school that he doesn't have? If so could you arrange to do something special with her then?

Is it? am struggling to see an alternative.
The other alternative is for OP to squeeze more time out of her already packed day or rely on her mum's help, when her mum is already finding it tough.

Agree, a colleague has a child with significant needs and his sibling loves going to Young Carers. His does lots of sports, which he loves, a club after school and gateways to any counselling he might want. Plus the trips and holiday clubs.

You could start by saying sorry. Then you can tell her that no matter what happens, you will always have her back. Your son will grow older and become another willing cog in the patriarchy and your daughter will need you to be there for her. The time to prioritise her needs above his was yesterday but in lieu of that, you can start now. She will forgive you in time I am sure of it.

Same here, and we’re rural Scotland. Our young carers also provided holiday camps for siblings should they wish to attend, activities and days out, it’s not just about them providing care, it’s about recognising the impact of having a sibling with b additional needs on their life.

Young carers groups apply for kids who have siblings with extra needs. Definitely worth looking into.

Also it’s not a perfect solution @Bettyprimebut I took my DS2 out of school for a random day to do a cinema and shopping trip, also did the same for DS3 and a zoo trip.

Until we managed to find some reliable respite, and also an improvement after a recent surgery, our life was dominated a lot by DD3’s medical appointments and hospital stays.

I arranged school pick ups for the others to allow us a late night back and then told DS in the morning. So I knew nothing was going to get in the way of it.

Its not an ideal solution but for the benefit it gave them it was well worth it.

Assuming DS10 attends school I'd consider letting DD13 have the odd day off school to do something with just you.
I sympathize its a very difficult situation but I think you need to find a way to give DD13 more of your time and attention.

They’re for any children whose lives are impacted by caring needs. Children who have siblings with extra needs are very much included.

Your daughter is telling you loud and clear that she feels that her brother is always the priority.

From what you have said I would agree with her. You need to make her feel heard and seen and give her the time and attention that she and other two siblings need as well.

It might sound harsh and I am sorry but your other children need a mum as well and not feel like they are always the last in the queue because another siblings comfort and needs are always your primary focus.

Gosh you have a lot on your plate. Single parent, unreliable ex, 4 kids and one has SN and one is a toddler.

I think you have to be honest with her and acknowledge it isn’t ideal. Not for her and not for you either. Don’t try to deny it or minimise it. Tell her you’re doing the best you can but with 4 kids and one with autism you’re stretched thin so you can’t do what other parents might be able to do if they have 2 parents or fewer kids, like lifts. Tell her you really appreciate her being independent when she can like taking the bus. Say thank you. Ask if there are any specific times where she feels overlooked or does she want some 1:1 time with you - even if it’s only 5 min a day after the others are in bed, that could make a big difference. And tell her than when she truly needs you you will be there for her.

Ideas here www.sibs.org.uk/

She’s at secondary and he’s still at primary. She does get the odd inset day when he doesn’t but not very often as they usually seem to get added on to the school holidays anyway.

I could try and make more of an effort to use those days for just us though, even if they don’t happen very often.

Does DS 'struggling' completely physically stop you from doing things or is it that you don't want him to feel discomfort? If it's the latter then he'll just have to suck it up some of the time as her needs have to come equal to his. Is he perhaps becoming worse as he knows you will pander to his needs and preferences? If he has the cognitive ability to understand then explain whilst you understand it's difficult for him we all have to give and take as part of a family.
If you want a good relationship with them in the future you'll have to start being better with prioritising the needs of your other children.

She's become a glass child. You must start prioritising her. Why did you have more children when your second takes up so much of your time? You need to change your ways op. Autistic or not you cannot neglect your other children's needs.

Can you give some practical suggestions to OP as to how she can work towards this?

But she does feel like that. She is a young carer and has been for years. You said yourself you have leaned on her too much.You have 4 children and they all have feelings and needs and it is your job to juggle it all. You chose to have 4 and they all need to be treated fairly. Yes it is hard but that is the life you made.

Discretely ask at school re young carers. She won‘t be the only one and perhaps there are things that can help her or give you some respite. One thing that is important is for her to feel special. Your ex needs to look after his kids so that she can have some time with you at this age. She probably can see that compared to her peers she’s got more responsibilities than them

It sounds like you're doing the best you can in a difficult situation. Unfortunately, you're just one person and you can't fix everything in an unfair world.

It would probably matter to your daughter if you acknowledged how she was feeling, so that she feels heard. Maybe something like: 'I love you very much. I don't ever want to ignore you, but you're right, you don't get as much attention as you would if your brother didn't have additional needs. It's not your fault or your brother's fault that he needs that, but you're still entitled to feel hurt and upset that I don't give you as much attention or prioritise you as much as him. It's true that it's not fair on you. I am so sorry I can't give you everything you deserve. I'm trying to do the best I can for both of you, but I know I don't always get it right. Please know that I love you and I am so proud of you and you are very special to me.'

Yes this, .i would also set aside time for her i know you say you try but she must have been dissapointed about the cinema i know that was an example but it is still on her mind, next time the 3 are with dad take her out for the day or evening.

Oh how sad for her, I find at this age they actually need and want you more than they did in the tween phases. My DD13 is definitely wanting more support and connection than she did previously.

if you're genuinely struggling to make time for her, I'd take her out of school one day per half term and go do something with her. A Christmas market trip, cinema afternoon or whatever.

I also think you need to build some resilience where possible in your son as well. It's not fair his sister misses out constantly. And the thing is with how she's raised it (calmly and considered) means if you ignore it, she will start withdrawing and resenting both you and him. You need to apologise for getting defensive.

Ask her what she'd like if you only had 30 mins/1 hour/4 hours etc.

It’s not just him not wanting to do something or me not wanting him to be uncomfortable. Sometimes he genuinely can’t manage it and it ends up being miserable for everyone if I push it too far.

I don’t think he’s getting worse because he knows I’ll pander to him, he’s actually finding things harder since starting juniors and I don’t think people realise how much that change affected him. But I do accept that his needs aren’t the only ones in the house. I had the other children because I wanted them and I love them all, I’m not going to start justifying when I had them.