DD says everything in this house revolves around her brother and I don’t know what to say to her

[Bettyprime]

I’m a single mum to 4, DD13, DS10, DS7 and DD3. DS10 is autistic and needs quite a lot of support with everyday things, especially changes to plans and busy places. He’s not a naughty child, he just gets overwhelmed quite quickly and once he’s past a certain point there’s not much I can do except get him somewhere quiet and let him settle. I’m not really sure how to explain it without making him sound like a nightmare because he isn’t, but it can be hard work.

DD13 has always been quite independent and doesn’t ask for much. She’s into music and seeing her friends and mostly just gets on with things. I’ve probably relied on that a bit too much if I’m honest. Last weekend she wanted me to take her and a friend into town and then collect them later. DS was already having a difficult day and I couldn’t make it work, so she ended up getting the bus with her friend instead. She was fine at the time but yesterday she told me she’s sick of everything being about him and that she feels like she doesn’t matter unless I’m needed for something.

It wasn’t said in a massive row either, which probably made it worse. She was helping me put some washing away and just said it like she’d been thinking about it for ages. I asked her what she meant and she said we never do anything she wants because I’m always worrying about how DS will cope. She brought up a day out we’d planned in the summer that we cut short because he was struggling, and a cinema trip we’d talked about but never actually booked. I could feel myself getting defensive because I do try, and it’s not as if I deliberately choose him over her.

The awkward thing is I don’t have loads of help. The younger three’s dad is around but he’s unreliable, and I can’t always count on him to have them when he says he will. My eldest’s dad has her alternate weekends, but he lives far enough away that he can’t just pop over and take her somewhere. My mum helps if she can, but she’s got her own health issues and I can’t expect her to manage all four.

I know DD13 has missed out on things and I hate that she feels this way. At the same time, I can’t just pretend DS doesn’t have additional needs because his sister wants to go somewhere. Sometimes I can arrange for someone to take him or stay with him, but it isn’t always possible, and I can’t afford to pay for childcare every time either.

I did tell her she matters just as much as the others, but she said she knows I love her and that’s not the point. Which I suppose is fair enough. I just don’t know what I’m meant to say when I can’t promise things will change overnight. I don’t want her to feel she’s had to grow up quicker because she’s the oldest, but I also can’t magic up another adult to help me.

Has anyone else been in this position with siblings, especially when one child needs more support? How do you make the other children feel seen without making promises you might not be able to keep?

So she is a single Mum with all these kids and she may not have discovered her son was autistic or the severity of the issues early enough.

If you read my earlier posts you will see that I was that DD13 and my parents split, normal people don't embark on relationships expecting them to split. And it appears her DS's Father is of no real help. Its a frequent tale in modern society but in this case, one child is neurodivergent.

The Mum is between a rock and a hard place and yes there are things she can do, but she clearly has a good relationship with her daughter and she is asking for ideas. The OP clearly cares and wants to address the issues, she is not overlooking, she is struggling and has limited resources....and yet she is clearly trying to address this and to do better for her daughter.

But ultimately, if her DS kicks off when her DD13 wants to do something with Mum, given the OP has no real support there is little she can do other than make her daughter know she is seem, her sacrifice recognised and to try find more 1:1 time with her daughter.

In a few years she needs to find 1:1 time with 3 children. This is only the beginning.

I don’t suppose the younger DC get much 1:1 time either and have their plans changed too

If you'd like to derail with unnecessary nitpicking over language, sure. By 'good, quiet', I meant compliant, not disruptive, cooperative, helpful, and so on, all of which means that it's very easy to unintentionally neglect and de-prioritise her wants and needs, and treat them as though they're less important when they're actually not.

They are young. Just wait they will challenge the mum in a few years too and she will need to find 1:1 with 3 children and the SEN child. And a full time work (?) most likely to support four children.

Well, looks like the harsh comments have sent OP running for cover. :-(

I have never commented on a MN thread but feel I absolutely have to here.
I am the sibling in this scenario, as a child I adopted the "good girl" persona, similar to how you describe your daughter. I was very independent, tried not to trouble my parents, never complained that everything centered around disabled sibling. Tried to do well in school to please parents and attract their recognition/attention. This backfired as they saw me as so independent that I got even less of their time.
The upshot is that as a teenager and young adult I had literally zero self esteem, was totally unable to establish boundaries or stand up for myself, was a dreadful people pleaser as i tried to make people like/love me as i felt my parents hadn't. I had a series of damaging relationships, issues with friendships, issues in my early career, an undiagnosed but definite eating disorder, and even some substance abuse issues.
It took really years of therapy to undo and now I am in a much better place.
However I do have a terrible relationship with parents, who constantly prioritise sibling even though he is fully supported in full time care. E.g. if we arrange a meet and siblings carer texts about something non urgent (siblings favourite shoes have broken and he needs new ones) parents will cancel or turn up and sit on phones ordering shoes and not talking to me, or leave early to urgently buy shoes. Sibling always comes first for parents even when sibling has nothing urgent needed and I am right in front of them. They just think I don't need them and so can't be bothered because they are so tied up in sibling. Now that I have my own baby, the lack of interest/time is particularly hurtful.
The other consequence is that because so much of my life has been ruled by sibling/parents management thereof, I am extremely resistant to ever becoming a carer for sibling in future. Sibling has a good set up and care package and I would fight to see this maintained but I would never become a direct carer or give up my own life as I feel I have already given up a lot of my own life! And this lack of willingness to commit to care for sibling once parents are gone distresses them and further drives wedge between us.
Your situation will be different in some ways but I would say to really try to manage this early to avoid some of the consequences I had to live through. And do consider finding your daughter a therapist, and keep encouraging her to have an open dialogue with you and try your best to remain non defensive in these discussions.

Agree with this. Shes just been left to sort herself.

There are seven years between the DS with additional needs and the youngest child. Either his needs are sufficiently severe that it would have been clear by six (when OP got pregnant with the last child) that adding another child to the mix would make things very tough for the whole family, or his needs are not so severe that they merit the enormous impact OP is allowing them to have on her daughter’s life.

In any event, as others have said, OP has all the children now and can’t send them back, so the focus needs to be on how she can improve things for her poor DD - there have been many thoughtful suggestions. It is nonetheless worth mentioning, as others have, that OP’s situation is a salutary tale for those who think “just one more baby won’t be lots more work, they’ll all muck in” and may prevent another child being in OP’s daughter’s situation in the future.