DD says everything in this house revolves around her brother and I don’t know what to say to her

[Bettyprime]

I’m a single mum to 4, DD13, DS10, DS7 and DD3. DS10 is autistic and needs quite a lot of support with everyday things, especially changes to plans and busy places. He’s not a naughty child, he just gets overwhelmed quite quickly and once he’s past a certain point there’s not much I can do except get him somewhere quiet and let him settle. I’m not really sure how to explain it without making him sound like a nightmare because he isn’t, but it can be hard work.

DD13 has always been quite independent and doesn’t ask for much. She’s into music and seeing her friends and mostly just gets on with things. I’ve probably relied on that a bit too much if I’m honest. Last weekend she wanted me to take her and a friend into town and then collect them later. DS was already having a difficult day and I couldn’t make it work, so she ended up getting the bus with her friend instead. She was fine at the time but yesterday she told me she’s sick of everything being about him and that she feels like she doesn’t matter unless I’m needed for something.

It wasn’t said in a massive row either, which probably made it worse. She was helping me put some washing away and just said it like she’d been thinking about it for ages. I asked her what she meant and she said we never do anything she wants because I’m always worrying about how DS will cope. She brought up a day out we’d planned in the summer that we cut short because he was struggling, and a cinema trip we’d talked about but never actually booked. I could feel myself getting defensive because I do try, and it’s not as if I deliberately choose him over her.

The awkward thing is I don’t have loads of help. The younger three’s dad is around but he’s unreliable, and I can’t always count on him to have them when he says he will. My eldest’s dad has her alternate weekends, but he lives far enough away that he can’t just pop over and take her somewhere. My mum helps if she can, but she’s got her own health issues and I can’t expect her to manage all four.

I know DD13 has missed out on things and I hate that she feels this way. At the same time, I can’t just pretend DS doesn’t have additional needs because his sister wants to go somewhere. Sometimes I can arrange for someone to take him or stay with him, but it isn’t always possible, and I can’t afford to pay for childcare every time either.

I did tell her she matters just as much as the others, but she said she knows I love her and that’s not the point. Which I suppose is fair enough. I just don’t know what I’m meant to say when I can’t promise things will change overnight. I don’t want her to feel she’s had to grow up quicker because she’s the oldest, but I also can’t magic up another adult to help me.

Has anyone else been in this position with siblings, especially when one child needs more support? How do you make the other children feel seen without making promises you might not be able to keep?

Four kids is a lot, even with a DH and if there were no ND’s.
I’m in my 50’s and except for one everyone I know that come from big sibling groups have only had one or two kids themselves. That tells you what growing up in a five-aside-football team is often like for the participants!
You really just need to prioritise some set in stone time for you and DD to make her feel special and a valued member of the family. And defo something just the two of you - a 13yr old isn't going to have the same interests for an outing as a 10/7/3yr old.

Yes DD3 is at nursery but not full time. I am going to try and sort something with DD on one of the inset days though, I think I need to stop waiting for the perfect time because there probably isn’t going to be one.

As for their dad, I’ve had the conversations with him about cancelling and letting the children down. He always says he will do better and then it happens again. I can’t make him be consistent no matter how many times I tell him its affecting them. His family aren’t really people I can rely on either so thats not much of an option

@roaringdragon Thank you for the suggestions about support for DS. I’ve looked at bits and pieces before but if I’m honest its overwhelming trying to work out what we’re entitled to and who I’m meant to contact. I hadn’t really thought about asking for a carers assessment for myself so I will look into that and the short breaks offer. He does use ear defenders sometimes but we haven’t tried everything you’ve mentioned.

I haven’t looked into young carers properly either. I didn’t realise there might be support for DD even if she’s not actually doing caring for him. I don’t want her to feel like she’s responsible for him because she isn’t, but if it gives her somewhere to talk or do things with other teenagers then maybe its worth looking at.

And for the comments about why I had the younger two, I can’t change the past now can I. I love all my children and I know things aren’t ideal, but I’m trying to work out what I can do differently now rather than argue about decisions I made years ago.

I think what you can do is acknowledge to DD that she misses out due to DS disability and that the others don’t help as much due to their ages which adds to the unfairness she is feeling.

Focus on what you can do with and for her. Having friends around baking & having a film night. Time even the house that is preserved for the 2 of you to do fun stuff together.

If anything gets cancelled or curtailed that a replacement is booked in and her disappointment acknowledged.

Ask her for suggestions of what she thinks could help DS cope better with days out - where you go, how etc. Basically some blue sky thinking that may come up trumps with an idea.

The younger ones do go to their days then have a bucket list of stuff to do that can be done at short notice etc.

I think being seen and heard is as important as being able to improve things.

I also think you have a lot of replies on here from people who are fortunate enough never to have had to balance the needs of a child with sen alongside meeting the needs of their other children.

Your ex is unreliable. But not all the time. So make some specific plans and prioritise your daughter.
it’s not so much about what to say it’s what you DO that matters. She sounds like a lovely girl and she’ll be growing up and away soon. So make the most of your time with her.

Also make sure the other kids have chores however small. Mine all sorted the washing and put away the washing (with help obviously) from 2/3. Match the socks and sort the pants was a daily game!

Speaking as the elder sister. She’s what you’re saying she is, because she’s learned if she’s quiet, doesn’t put much on you it helps your load. She really needs you, just as much as your son. It’s not she fault you’ve had 3 more kids, you need to reach out to the support you have and give her the time of day because you’ll lose her. I can’t explain how much she’ll struggle with you in the future. This is the time now to make the difference.

I would make yourself a list and slowly work through it. Don’t try to do it all at once because it would be overwhelming. For example:

1. Social care assessments (carer’s assessment for you and assessment by CwD team for DS) - you are eligible - use Contact’s model letters.
2. Look at local short breaks offer
3. Look at young carer’s service
4. Look at Sibs
5. Look at Home Start to see if they can support you
6. DLA if you don’t already receive it (and receive it at the right rate)
7. Look at improving EHCP - The AR process is the way to improve the EHCP. If DS is Y6, you should have a phase transfer review meeting soon if you haven’t already had one.
8. OT assessment for DS - home assessment (a home that better meets DS’s needs will improve life for you all) and sensory OT assessment.
9. Is there anything you can outsource to free you time?

Do you drive?

You know, one thing that stands out for me… even in this you’re not prioritising her

its your son, your mom and you…

then it’ll be the two younger ones

then finally her.

your daughter will drift from you, she already has. The approach she’s taken speaks volumes of her maturity.

5 minutes a day isn’t enough. And pulling her out of school works once, but again… why is she having her life impacted?

and actually even if the day out ends up miserable, she’ll know you tried.

that’s what she wants to see, effort. You’re making none

I’m an nd parent with nd kids, it can be incredibly hard, one with far more challenging needs than the other so the less challenging one often slipped under the radar.
I have tried in my way to ensure that both kids’ needs are catered to and try where possible to schedule in one to one time with each of them.
They’re older now and we have more of a rhythm but I do split myself in two most of the time, I feel like I’m living with a divorcing couple…
I know that the ’easier’ sibling has some resentment towards me and the sibling for what they perceive to be pandering to the trickier presentation, it’s very hard to explain and articulate but I just do my best.
sending solidarity as it’s not an easy thing

It must be very hard with four children to give them individual attention, I found it hard enough with two. I would see what she would like to do and carve out some time to spend together. At the same time lifts etc can't always be accommodated at short notice for any parent- teenagers eventually get it and start to be better at letting you know their plans... and then suddenly they learn to drive and the lift phase is over!

I can’t believe people are criticising you for having more children! Nobody plans this, nobody knows unless explicitly told by a doctor in pregnancy that there might be extra needs and nobody knows when kids are small how challenging their needs could become.
just ignore those comments.

My brother has significant needs and is severely disabled. I was a “glass child” and my heart aches for your daughter. She has been really brave to speak to you about this and I urge you to try and prioritise some of her needs. Look into respite. Encourage the dads to step up.

My dad worked long hours, often abroad so he wasn’t around much. Looking back at my childhood, because I was academically able and excelled at my hobbies etc everyone thought I was fine. I was not fine. Like your daughter, I had to grow up extremely fast and have been very independent from a young age. I’m now hyper independent as an adult and this has caused me some problems.

My mum would have loved to have me back after uni. There was ample room and I probably would have saved thousands! But I left for uni at 18 and only came back during the holidays if I had absolutely no other option. We have a very surface level relationship. While intellectually, I understand my mum’s actions and why my brother and his needs are always prioritised, I do have a lot of resentment and feel let down. The relationship we have is not one you want for your daughter. It’s not too late, but please listen to her.

She WAS really brave OP, and really mature. I would tell her you hear her position and are impressed by the honest and non-confrontational way she handled it, that you are absorbing everything she said and trying to find ways to address it.

Another thing I would say is don't beat yourself up too much. We all want to be perfect parents, we all try really hard and all of us have areas where our children will think we missed the mark. Yes, even the MNers who think they have it sussed! I have a friend who hates going home to visit his parents because "everything is so disgustingly perfect" he feels suffocated by it. His father was very senior in a big corporation, the children had impeccable educations, fantasy holidays and the home was the kind of place where the florist came once a week "to do the vases." And to this day, he cannot stand it.

It is natural, up to a point, to look at what is missing in our lives as it is how we shape the sort of life we want to make for ourselves. The demands of her sibling are a nuisance, but not your fault. Deep down she will know that - and will appreciate you making the effort to spend some time with her.

ETA but while not beating yourself up, you can;t afford to just ignore it either!

I haven't read the full thread, so apologies if this has already been suggested.

I have a disabled DS who is 15. He needs constant supervision due to autism & seizures, and we don't have much in the way of family who can cope with this.

I recently found a SEN youth club that he attends for 3 hours every Friday. They do lots of different activities & are trained in needs like his. They also do day trips in the holidays (usually 10-3). Fridays cost £12 but are well worth it as it gives me time with his brothers or my husband.

I don't know where in the country you are, but your local council should have details of groups like this you can access. It really is good for everyone.

Unfortunately, this is so often the way it goes. The squeaky wheel gets the grease, and so generally the good, quiet child doesn’t get prioritised unless or until their mental health is badly damaged enough that they can't hide it. For OP, it should be about preventing that from happening by prioritising her daughter's needs as strongly as her son's, even when it's inconvenient.

I don’t have any further suggestions, Young Carers and Sibs and Home Start are all good ideas. I know this question is about DD13, but you need to be aware that your younger 2 children will also need this extra help too. They also want 1:1 attention and days out as they get older. Good luck OP, you do sound as though you are doing your best in difficult circumstances, but maybe Home Start or Young Carers can offer you not just direct help but also strategies to make life easier for you.
Maybe DS10’s dad could take just him some weekends and you can do things with the other 3 to ensure they don’t feel the same way?

As a bit of an aside, this thread has made me think about those MN threads which pop up regularly, ‘I’m really tempted to go for baby number 3 or number 4…” and there are always some replies saying ‘just go for it, you won’t regret it.’ Mothers don’t usually regret a child once it’s here, and they’ll always love them. But love alone isn’t enough. Children need time, attention, nurturing…. And of course there are no guarantees when you fall pregnant, any child could have a disability or illness.

obviously the OP is in the situation now where she has 4 children and that can’t be changed, and it’s a case of trying to make adjustments so that life is as good as possible for all of them.

it just made me think though, that while on a purely emotional instinctive level, many of us might feel we want 3,4 or even more children, we do all have a responsibility to really think through possible scenarios and whether we have the resources to do all the other stuff apart from just loving them. And of course any relationship could break down, as the OP must have known as this happened fairly soon after dd was born.

its not easy.

What maturity on her part, to have that conversation with you without it being in an argument or a kicking off.

I wish I saw a bit more of a positive response from you to people's suggestions though. Picking up on the young carers groups, it's all 'maybe' ' she might not want it' or ''I could, I suppose'.

Yes, some suggestions aren't practical, but things like that are easy and straightforward. You could be on Google now, finding your nearest one, and at the very least, responding with some enthusiasm to a suggestion that might make a huge difference for her.

I get that life is hard, and I get how easy it is to get into a cycle of negativity, but make five minutes to do this. Because I get the impression from your posts that you'll just put it off until it never happens

It's not favouring, is it? He's got significant additional needs. I think it's really unhelpful to point out hypotheticals when realistically this child does need more care from a medical pov. Unless the advice is practical and helpful just reiterating that the elder daughter is upset and issuing dire warnings seems pointless. She is clearly very aware of the very real dilemma; the issue seems to be how to solve it.

This in spades. Life can’t always be comfortable for ND people. The world just isn’t like that because, shock horror, there are other people in it whose needs also matter.

How would you suggest she makes him! She can't force him to be reliable and turn up when he says he will. What a ridiculous comment.
OP I totally understand how difficult it is. I have two children with SEN both need a lot of support and I have always been worried about how this affected my eldest. We did what another poster suggested and had a girls night in, once a month. I appreciate it was easier for me as their dad was around. In this case could you settle them and then do your girls night.
Does your DS have enough understanding that if he stays in bed you will do something special with him the next day. I know it's bribery but it might be worth it if it helps your DD feel secure. I think if you do promise to drive DD somewhere you have to honour it. Surely the journey isn't that far and you could calm DS after. Also maybe agree to just one lift, there is back so it's a bit easier.
I hope some of this is helpful, apologies if not, I know how difficult it is with SEN children and they all have different needs.

Also with DDs I have one who is very good at showing when she is upset/angry/overloaded/frustrated and another who you think is ok until she really isn't- and we know now she has ASD and masks like hell- it can be much harder to spot as she seems so sunny and laid back generally.

Nobody in this household wants more work or more responsibilities. As if a fucking dog will drive DD and friend into town for shopping. In the real worlds dogs can't speak.

I agree with this - daughter has been continually pushed out.