DD says everything in this house revolves around her brother and I don’t know what to say to her

[Bettyprime]

I’m a single mum to 4, DD13, DS10, DS7 and DD3. DS10 is autistic and needs quite a lot of support with everyday things, especially changes to plans and busy places. He’s not a naughty child, he just gets overwhelmed quite quickly and once he’s past a certain point there’s not much I can do except get him somewhere quiet and let him settle. I’m not really sure how to explain it without making him sound like a nightmare because he isn’t, but it can be hard work.

DD13 has always been quite independent and doesn’t ask for much. She’s into music and seeing her friends and mostly just gets on with things. I’ve probably relied on that a bit too much if I’m honest. Last weekend she wanted me to take her and a friend into town and then collect them later. DS was already having a difficult day and I couldn’t make it work, so she ended up getting the bus with her friend instead. She was fine at the time but yesterday she told me she’s sick of everything being about him and that she feels like she doesn’t matter unless I’m needed for something.

It wasn’t said in a massive row either, which probably made it worse. She was helping me put some washing away and just said it like she’d been thinking about it for ages. I asked her what she meant and she said we never do anything she wants because I’m always worrying about how DS will cope. She brought up a day out we’d planned in the summer that we cut short because he was struggling, and a cinema trip we’d talked about but never actually booked. I could feel myself getting defensive because I do try, and it’s not as if I deliberately choose him over her.

The awkward thing is I don’t have loads of help. The younger three’s dad is around but he’s unreliable, and I can’t always count on him to have them when he says he will. My eldest’s dad has her alternate weekends, but he lives far enough away that he can’t just pop over and take her somewhere. My mum helps if she can, but she’s got her own health issues and I can’t expect her to manage all four.

I know DD13 has missed out on things and I hate that she feels this way. At the same time, I can’t just pretend DS doesn’t have additional needs because his sister wants to go somewhere. Sometimes I can arrange for someone to take him or stay with him, but it isn’t always possible, and I can’t afford to pay for childcare every time either.

I did tell her she matters just as much as the others, but she said she knows I love her and that’s not the point. Which I suppose is fair enough. I just don’t know what I’m meant to say when I can’t promise things will change overnight. I don’t want her to feel she’s had to grow up quicker because she’s the oldest, but I also can’t magic up another adult to help me.

Has anyone else been in this position with siblings, especially when one child needs more support? How do you make the other children feel seen without making promises you might not be able to keep?

I think you have to find more of a balance than you have. There might be times when it's reasonable for your ds to experience more discomfort so your dd has less, despite his needs.

I think young carer groups are a good suggestion. I'd be astonished if your dd wasn't a young carer, in the way she helps around the house and supports her siblings. Even calmly accepting cutting her day out short is really asking her to regulate her own feelings so as not to make your life and her siblings lives more difficult. It's something most teens aren't asked to do.

There's something about how you recognise and validate your dd's experience, even if it's uncomfortable for you. She misses out, it's unfair, you wish it could be different for her. Small things might make a difference - a text to ask about something happening at school that you've remembered, asking her to watch a tv show with you because you want special time. These are things you could do when your ds is in the house. It won't make things fair, but it might make your dd feel heard.

There was a thread a little while back with a lady in a similar situation but only 2 kids and the one without additional needs felt the same.

this is really hard on you & your other children esp when the dad of the 3 younger ones is not pulling his weight. Can you speak to him & see if he will step up.

can you spend time with your daughter when the others have gone to bed? Watch a show/film together

My first thought is that the dog would just be more work in an already busy houshold.

Could he go to his dad's for a bit so your other children have some respite?

This sounds really hard. There's no point beating yourself up (or actually no point other people beating you up on this thread ) about how you got where you are, you are there. What now is the question.

Sounds like DD is lovely and you haven't ruined her life you have given her the gift of being independent and thoughtful. Those are not gifts you appreciate when you are 13 but she will later on.

Now time to think about how you can let her know she is loved and valued and important. What time does DS go to bed? Whatever time that is can you give DD an extra half hour and plan some really nice things to do together? Films, makeovers, tarot card readings, jigsaw together, some kind of craft project you can do a little bit together each night/ when you can are some examples. I might even be tempted to have her skive off school one day and do something fun if her attendance is otherwise good. That will be frowned upon here though I'm sure.

@Poppingby several posters including myself have suggested skiving off school for the DD, so nobody is frowning, actually
That is likely the only way OP can claw back some time.

With respect - living with her dad not being an option because he works is better than having to raise herself because you're too busy with her brother - but not too busy to not keep having more kids. You are being defensive but you need to face up to what you've done. There's no easy way to fix it either but you are not the victim here - you are the sole cause of your daughter's situation.

I know an adult can’t be made to do things, but they can be appealed to. I think the dad needs to be put to more use. Be the squeaky wheel that gets his attention. Don’t let him off because he’s unreliable.

The usual fucking useless father leaving the mother to do everything and pissing off into the sunset.

this is shit for your daughter. I’d be forcing him to have his kids for at least one day a week by any means necessary

Actually. The dad that isn’t doing his part for her siblings is actually the cause of this

Poor kid. What does her father say about it? Why does he live so far away? Have you actually asked your DD whether moving in with him (where she may get more one on one time) is an option she’s considered?

I know several kids who have received young carer status even though they don’t do day to day caring for the affected sibling. Just being in a household with a high needs sibling means your DD will be taking on more of the household’s mental and physical load than she otherwise would be. If she can get some outside care and attention, it has to be worth making an application. It will also help her out with grade concessions if she wants to go to university in the future.

But if OP works at a school is that feasible?

I appreciate it's difficult for you Op but you have to understand that your daughter seems incredibly patient. I am not judging blended families but you went on to bring an unrelated man into her home and have 3 children with him. That's alot for her. One of her half brothers is now prioritised. And it took her bravely revealing this to you to draw your attention to it. Did you not wonder about her before, and if she was ok?

Sorry, no advice but this week's episode of Happy Mum is on exactly this topic and might be worth a listen.

He has no responsibility for the OP's eldest daughter. He's a shit - but equally - he was a shit for his DS but the OP chose to have two more children with him over a period of seven years.

OP chose to have 3 kids with the second dad, so that was always going to limit time with the older DD, whether the dad hung around or not, SN or not. And also probably make her feel second best, to add so many more siblings.

A family friend has 5 DC, there is a gap between the oldest 2 and the younger ones, same dad, and they are still together. The youngest get so much more attention and the oldest 2 are quite resentful, as they very much feel like an afterthought, not the shiny cute younger ones.

Obviously the unreliable dad in this situation is crap.

I say this as someone who has a profoundly autistic child - why on EARTH would you go in to have more children, knowing that your DS already needs your focus?

Your DD isn’t wrong and you know it.

It's not true that she's raised herself, or that the OP's issue is simply being 'too busy with her brother'.
And saying 'but not too busy to not keep having more kids.' is disgusting. You should be ashamed.

OK. I only wrote that bit because the bit of the thread I was reading was people being horrible to the OP. That's why I didn't RTFT and said it because I didn't want people to be fucking snippy at me. Can't win on here though can you.

This makes me really sad.

I also appreciate it's very hard for you as well.

I was your DD, eldest child and large age gaps. I was independent, "good", well behaved, a great help.

In reality, my needs were just less visible than my younger siblings. This manifested in self harm, ED and poor mental health which has plagued my adult life. My relationship with my parents remains poor.

However, my mum never acknowledged my concerns, dismissed me and won't now acknowledge that she didn't meet my needs and prioritised my siblings, which definitely doesn't help.

She sounds like an amazing, mature young girl op. You should be very proud. I feel very sorry for her, for you all really, because it’s tough all round. She’s self-contained, well behaved etc but inside is screaming for a little attention from her mum. She’s been honest about how she feels and that must have been hard to hear, and brave to say. She knows you love her, but…actions absolutely do speak louder than words I’m afraid. Is there nothing you can do, even occasionally to prioritise her? I really think you need to.

I think she said that she works in the dinner hall? Might manage to have an afternoon 'dental appointment' for her daughter?

I think acknowledging that she has a valid point is a big step. She knows you love her. But it’s ok for her to feel that way because it’s somewhat true. It’s not your fault, it’s just true.

Her dad knows things can be difficult here but I don’t think he’s realised quite how she’s feeling about it all. He does have her alternate weekends and they get on well, but he lives a fair distance away because thats where he was living when we split and neither of us has moved areas since. She’s got her friends and school here and I don’t think moving would be an easy decision for her.

I haven’t actually asked her directly about living with him, no. I think I’ve probably dismissed it in my own head because I assumed she wouldn’t want to leave everything here, but I suppose I shouldn’t assume that. I’ll have a proper conversation with her about it rather than making that decision for her.

Could she stay with her dad in the holidays? is it too far from his to then get transport to see her friends