Page 12 | DD says everything in this house revolves around her brother and I don’t know what to say to her

Bettyprime · 2026-10-14T10:22:20+00:00

I’m a single mum to 4, DD13, DS10, DS7 and DD3. DS10 is autistic and needs quite a lot of support with everyday things, especially changes to plans and busy places. He’s not a naughty child, he just gets overwhelmed quite quickly and once he’s past a certain point there’s not much I can do except get him somewhere quiet and let him settle. I’m not really sure how to explain it without making him sound like a nightmare because he isn’t, but it can be hard work. DD13 has always been quite independent and doesn’t ask for much. She’s into music and seeing her friends and mostly just gets on with things. I’ve probably relied on that a bit too much if I’m honest. Last weekend she wanted me to take her and a friend into town and then collect them later. DS was already having a difficult day and I couldn’t make it work, so she ended up getting the bus with her friend instead. She was fine at the time but yesterday she told me she’s sick of everything being about him and that she feels like she doesn’t matter unless I’m needed for something. It wasn’t said in a massive row either, which probably made it worse. She was helping me put some washing away and just said it like she’d been thinking about it for ages. I asked her what she meant and she said we never do anything she wants because I’m always worrying about how DS will cope. She brought up a day out we’d planned in the summer that we cut short because he was struggling, and a cinema trip we’d talked about but never actually booked. I could feel myself getting defensive because I do try, and it’s not as if I deliberately choose him over her. The awkward thing is I don’t have loads of help. The younger three’s dad is around but he’s unreliable, and I can’t always count on him to have them when he says he will. My eldest’s dad has her alternate weekends, but he lives far enough away that he can’t just pop over and take her somewhere. My mum helps if she can, but she’s got her own health issues and I can’t expect her to manage all four. I know DD13 has missed out on things and I hate that she feels this way. At the same time, I can’t just pretend DS doesn’t have additional needs because his sister wants to go somewhere. Sometimes I can arrange for someone to take him or stay with him, but it isn’t always possible, and I can’t afford to pay for childcare every time either. I did tell her she matters just as much as the others, but she said she knows I love her and that’s not the point. Which I suppose is fair enough. I just don’t know what I’m meant to say when I can’t promise things will change overnight. I don’t want her to feel she’s had to grow up quicker because she’s the oldest, but I also can’t magic up another adult to help me. Has anyone else been in this position with siblings, especially when one child needs more support? How do you make the other children feel seen without making promises you might not be able to keep?

CreativeGreen · Yesterday 17:25

Mondaytuesdayhappydays · Yesterday 17:01

It’s a post where OP wants reassurance she is doing her best and that’s okay- her daughter will be fine etc

Show quote history

Oh ok - OP you are doing your best and your daughter is fine and that's ok.

Except I don't think she is fine, and I think at least part of the OP wants to know how she can help her.

hattie43 · Yesterday 17:28

SiberFox · Yesterday 14:01

I think OP people are bringing up you having 4 kids to help you appreciate your daughter’s perspective. It’s not only the SEN needs, it’s also the 3yo now taking up any ‘spare’ space you have left and the upheaval of family breaking up again still fairly recently. It’s more than your Ds needs that she’s having to live with.

This is very true . Your DD at 13 will be 18
soon and she will never have had a childhood where she was the focus . The 3rd old will still be -a dependent 8yr old when the 13yr old has probably left home . It’s very sad for her .

Sensiblesal · Yesterday 17:30

saraclara · Yesterday 16:52

I taught children like OP's son for decades, and I'm getting infuriated by the number of people blaming OP for having more children.

a) very often, by the time that one child's special needs really come to the fore, mum is already pregnant or has already had the child's sibling/s.

b) while the child with special needs is very young, often their needs don't take up the kind of time, and restrict the rest of the family, in the way they will later. So the parents don't recognise how hard life is going to be in the future. They think they'll manage. I've seen some of the least difficult SEN five year olds turn into very complex 15 year olds. And sometimes vice versa.

And c) what the f *ing right do you think you have to blame such a parent for wanting and having other children? It's classic victim blaming (especially from lucky parents who have non-complex kids) and I'll come out to fight for any SEN parent having to listen to that.

Edited

Well said. There are some really bitchy comments, its almost like these keyboard warriors get a kick out of beating someone when they are already down.

I’d also add that I wouldn’t have the convo re living with her dad, that will make things worse. If anything, I’d be seeing if the dad can be more flexible such as if its his weekend but the other kids dad finally steps up, she can swap weekends & have 1on1 time with DD.

There are no easy answers but if DS’s behaviour is that challenging that he can’t even be taught any regulating behaviours or how to have a good day, then the OP needs a significant amount of support & help to get some respite for all the kids and herself before everyone burns out and the family falls apart.

Mondaytuesdayhappydays · Yesterday 17:30

MargaretThursday · Yesterday 17:14

Speaking as a middle child with an asd younger brother (undiagnosed as they were back then). I'll tell you my feelings.

I very much felt that my things didn't matter. Because he made a fuss, and would be as awkward as possible if he didn't get his way, or something was happening for me, then I felt like I was considered less important, less good at things and that anything I did took second place.
The fact that I could be relied on to back down, not make a fuss, give things away was just accepted at home.
This is something that now, as an adult with adult children, still effects me. I still back away from conflict, expect me to have to compromise and don't make a fuss even when I mind a lot.

Even saying I'd done well at something, or thank you for helping was said in a quiet "don't let him know..." sort of way. And I was always expected to keep quiet, and compromise.
So if I asked to go somewhere in the morning, and he (after dm had agreed) wanted to do something else, what I wanted to do would be shifted to the afternoon - and then the next day if he wanted something in the afternoon. Dm probably thought she did it really well, as she'd come to me and explain why it was so much better for me to do it in the afternoon etc and I'd agree to keep the peace. I knew full well what was happening. It hurt.
If I saved up and bought myself something, or got something as a big present (often over 2-4 birthday/Christmas) within a month dm would decide "she" needed one. Which would then disappear into dbro's room and only he would use it. Again she probably thought how cleverly she did it to make sure he didn't have a fuss because I had something nice. It hurt.

For me two times where I tried to stand up for myself and refused to back down dm got cross with me, and her biggest concern was not that I was upset, but that dbro might hear me complaining and be upset that I was making a fuss. And he got his own way anyway.

My advice would be first of all thank her for letting you know. Don't deny it. Don't use platitudes like "I'm sorry if you feel that way".
At her age you haven't long before she will be off with her friends and it will be too late.
You can try asking how you can change. Idea of you going out for a girlie night out or day trip just you two is one. Give her a word she can say when she feels like she's being ignored. Explain that that doesn't mean that is a word that makes sure she gets her way, but by making you aware it gives you chance to think through.
I think though if your example is happening frequently, you do need to think things through. Because if you've promised something, then it's taken away because of his behaviour (and my dbro was very manipulative if he was aware that dm was taking me somewhere or similar) then that is saying he takes priority over her. Could you, for example have seen if your mum could have taken them and picked them up from town? Did you at least apologise? Could you have given her extra money to get the bus and lunch as a treat...

There's also was it impossible because of his behaviour, or just awkward? Dm didn't like doing anything if dbro was kicking off. So, for example if she was taking me somewhere one of his manipulations was to announce he was coming too as we were leaving. He'd then go for a shower and she'd hover around saying "we really need to go" although dad was around and so he could have been left. The number of things we got too far too late or not at all because he'd done that was significant. As a parent with a ds with asd, I stand by that she should have said to him "not today unless you can be straight out of the door" - and dbro now admits that she'd probably have only had to do that once before he stopped doing it. Yes, he'd have been awful when we got back, and we'd have heard how he was the hardest treated person on the planet and what mother could ever.... but it would have shown me that for once I had a priority.
So think about when you're changing because of his behaviour - is it have to change because of safety, or is it simply easier? And also does he do this frequently when you've promised her a lift? Think back. How often do you promise to do something for her, and how often does he stop/alter it? Maybe you should ask her? I suspect she'll see it as a far more frequent occurrence than you realise.

I imagine that if she's feeling this way, then I suspect your younger ones will too, if not now, then as they get older.

Thank you for that
You have summed up the many experiences shared by teens I have worked with over the years.

(In a different way this sort of situation is worse than ever atm with bullshit ‘gentle parenting’ going wrong in a sibling group, where one child won’t ‘play ball’ and the other more mild mannered compliant kids’ needs and wants start having to take a back seat to the more challenging one)

Sewingbeedamned · Yesterday 17:32

MargaretThursday · Yesterday 17:14

Speaking as a middle child with an asd younger brother (undiagnosed as they were back then). I'll tell you my feelings.

I very much felt that my things didn't matter. Because he made a fuss, and would be as awkward as possible if he didn't get his way, or something was happening for me, then I felt like I was considered less important, less good at things and that anything I did took second place.
The fact that I could be relied on to back down, not make a fuss, give things away was just accepted at home.
This is something that now, as an adult with adult children, still effects me. I still back away from conflict, expect me to have to compromise and don't make a fuss even when I mind a lot.

Even saying I'd done well at something, or thank you for helping was said in a quiet "don't let him know..." sort of way. And I was always expected to keep quiet, and compromise.
So if I asked to go somewhere in the morning, and he (after dm had agreed) wanted to do something else, what I wanted to do would be shifted to the afternoon - and then the next day if he wanted something in the afternoon. Dm probably thought she did it really well, as she'd come to me and explain why it was so much better for me to do it in the afternoon etc and I'd agree to keep the peace. I knew full well what was happening. It hurt.
If I saved up and bought myself something, or got something as a big present (often over 2-4 birthday/Christmas) within a month dm would decide "she" needed one. Which would then disappear into dbro's room and only he would use it. Again she probably thought how cleverly she did it to make sure he didn't have a fuss because I had something nice. It hurt.

For me two times where I tried to stand up for myself and refused to back down dm got cross with me, and her biggest concern was not that I was upset, but that dbro might hear me complaining and be upset that I was making a fuss. And he got his own way anyway.

My advice would be first of all thank her for letting you know. Don't deny it. Don't use platitudes like "I'm sorry if you feel that way".
At her age you haven't long before she will be off with her friends and it will be too late.
You can try asking how you can change. Idea of you going out for a girlie night out or day trip just you two is one. Give her a word she can say when she feels like she's being ignored. Explain that that doesn't mean that is a word that makes sure she gets her way, but by making you aware it gives you chance to think through.
I think though if your example is happening frequently, you do need to think things through. Because if you've promised something, then it's taken away because of his behaviour (and my dbro was very manipulative if he was aware that dm was taking me somewhere or similar) then that is saying he takes priority over her. Could you, for example have seen if your mum could have taken them and picked them up from town? Did you at least apologise? Could you have given her extra money to get the bus and lunch as a treat...

There's also was it impossible because of his behaviour, or just awkward? Dm didn't like doing anything if dbro was kicking off. So, for example if she was taking me somewhere one of his manipulations was to announce he was coming too as we were leaving. He'd then go for a shower and she'd hover around saying "we really need to go" although dad was around and so he could have been left. The number of things we got too far too late or not at all because he'd done that was significant. As a parent with a ds with asd, I stand by that she should have said to him "not today unless you can be straight out of the door" - and dbro now admits that she'd probably have only had to do that once before he stopped doing it. Yes, he'd have been awful when we got back, and we'd have heard how he was the hardest treated person on the planet and what mother could ever.... but it would have shown me that for once I had a priority.
So think about when you're changing because of his behaviour - is it have to change because of safety, or is it simply easier? And also does he do this frequently when you've promised her a lift? Think back. How often do you promise to do something for her, and how often does he stop/alter it? Maybe you should ask her? I suspect she'll see it as a far more frequent occurrence than you realise.

I imagine that if she's feeling this way, then I suspect your younger ones will too, if not now, then as they get older.

This resonated so much with me.

I would be speaking to social services about a carers assessment and explaining your concerns. And the social w
worker upthread made some really good suggestions.

At present, OP, you are focused on what your son cant manage. And every statement becomes about him. If he is never pushed or challenged, he will not develop. It has to be done carefully and properly, but it has to be done, and he needs to learn that sometimes things dont happen the way he would prefer.

takealettermsjones · Yesterday 17:46

Haven't RTFT so sorry if it's already been said, but is it possible for you to carve out some time for you and DD with her staying up later than the others? I'm thinking of the sort of things that were marketed as at-home "date nights" during COVID - like paint and sip (obv lemonade for her!), air dry pottery, those murder mystery detective packs, etc? I know it doesn't solve the day to day problems but quality time together might help her feel closer to you and reassure her that she matters.

Also, what a girl for coming to you and calmly telling you such a vulnerable thing at 13. You should be proud of your daughter OP, which means you're raising her right 😊

DorothyWasRightTho · Yesterday 17:52

This was me growing up - older sister to an autistic brother. I was always praised for being good and no trouble. On reflection and having had quite a bit of therapy about it, I subconsciously felt like I had to be good and like I couldn’t make anything worse for my mum who it was clearly very difficult for. I would suggest seeing if your daughter could get some counselling - if I had had that at 13 it would have helped massively. I grew up into an adult who found it very hard to speak up for what I needed. I ended up self harming, drinking pretty young and I absolutely hated my brother for years. It was only through therapy that I was able to acknowledge how hard life was for him.

I don’t know if I have any helpful suggestions other than therapy for your daughter and making sure she feels listened to and not like she has to make anything better. You need to find a way to be able to spend some quality time with just her

SplishSplash123 · Yesterday 17:55

This sounds really hard. Without wanting to minimise your son's struggles, it does sound like he is finding life tough - but then does it really make that much difference if some days are a little bit tougher because you allow your other childrens' needs to take priority?
It sounds like you are asking your DD to have a rubbish time so you can avoid DS having even more of a rubbish time, which might seem reasonable in one wat as you don't want to add to his suffering, but it's not fair to make your DDs life actively worse.

When we talk about reasonable adjustments in the workplace for people with disabilities, we don't ask other people to have their working life made worse - we look at things we can do to help the person with disabilities with minimal impact on their colleagues, otherwise the adjustments are not reasonable.
So going to somewhere your DD wants to go at a quieter time might be reasonable if it helps DS, as she's still getting to do the thing she wants to do. Denying her an opportunity to do anything outside the home (for example, not saying you are doing this) is not reasonable.

fish88 · Yesterday 18:04

Sibs are a charity that support children with disabled siblings. It might be worth getting in touch with them
https://www.sibs.org.uk/

Sibs - for brothers and sisters

Sibs is the UK charity for people who grow up with a disabled brother or sister.

https://www.sibs.org.uk

MargaretThursday · Yesterday 18:06

Sewingbeedamned · Yesterday 17:32

This resonated so much with me.

I would be speaking to social services about a carers assessment and explaining your concerns. And the social w
worker upthread made some really good suggestions.

At present, OP, you are focused on what your son cant manage. And every statement becomes about him. If he is never pushed or challenged, he will not develop. It has to be done carefully and properly, but it has to be done, and he needs to learn that sometimes things dont happen the way he would prefer.

Show quote history

I'm going to add to my post with:

Response B
"I can see why you feel that way. Your brother does need a lot of attention, but I've clearly not done enough to show you that you're just as important to me."
DD13 hears: "I see you." Most children settle once they genuinely believe they've been understood.

Don't take this as the right wording. The first bit is fine but Dm used to sometimes say similar things, but it took the focus onto her and how she felt. Then I felt I had to reassure her that it didn't matter, because I knew she wasn't doing it out of malice.
What I heard was:
"I can't do anything about your brother so nothing can change, but you have made me feel guilty and if you hadn't said anything all would be fine. So I'd rather you hadn't told me."
It's also far too bland with no action. So I don't think I'd have felt heard at all. I would have felt dismissed.

What I needed to hear was:
"You are right. It isn't fair. (that would have meant the earth to me, as it acknowledged that I was being put out by him) How can we sort it? Can we see if your friend would like to do it next weekend and I'll see if Granny can come over and maybe I can take you into town while she sits with ds, and then Granny can pick you up later.
I'm glad you told me. Thank you."

ElizabethNatalie · Yesterday 18:18

PenelopePinkerton · Yesterday 14:13

I’m not sure I would have had another two children when one already had significant support needs🤷‍♂️

Why did you remark that?

Shampoo66 · Yesterday 18:19

I have an insight from the other side. I’m in my 40s now but my brother has learning and physical disabilities - quite severe. He’ll never live alone, can’t read or write, clean up after the toilet etc.
when I was younger my mum struggled managing everything, everything obviously centred around my brother. I didn’t get the one2one time with my mum, we never ate in a restaurant, didn’t go on holiday abroad etc as everything was too hard to manage. I understood but still had the teenage whinge occasionally - like all my friends could have sleepovers etc and I wasn’t allowed a friend in the house as it was too much for my brother etc but can hand on heart say - as an adult- understand and appreciate everything my mum did for me - gave me confidence, made me someone who knew her self worth but she also gave me freedom and clear boundaries.
it will get better when she’s older but I do advise that you don’t heavily rely on her for help. Even if it’s once a month or two take a few hours out - with a babysitter for the other children- for a check in, or a cheeky Nando’s. Maybe a nails night after the younger children go to bed or just watching a tv show you both like. It all counts.

UnimatrixZeroOne · Yesterday 18:22

Floppyearedlab · Yesterday 11:36

Telling her she matters as much as him doesn't matter one iota if you don't demonstrate it. She has listing multiple events where her life has been negatively affected by you prioritising your son. You need to start keeping your promises even if that means discomfort for DS. It doesn't sound like he is at the stage or needing, or qualifying for respite care, so you will need to get to the stage where he has to muck in. Contact autism support groups if needed.

Absolutely this.
I have a 10 year old autistic son (who goes to a special school and is pre-verbal, just to give an idea of his disability).
If he doesn't want to come along to something for my 12 year old daughter or to drop her somewhere (he can't be left at home obviously if I need to drive her to a club or the station for example) tough luck matey! He'll be chivvied along and can melt down all
he likes. Her needs are as important as his. All her needs. She makes compromises day in a day out and tolerates with great forbearance living with a very challenging child.

ElizabethNatalie · Yesterday 18:25

Sensiblesal · Yesterday 17:30

Well said. There are some really bitchy comments, its almost like these keyboard warriors get a kick out of beating someone when they are already down.

I’d also add that I wouldn’t have the convo re living with her dad, that will make things worse. If anything, I’d be seeing if the dad can be more flexible such as if its his weekend but the other kids dad finally steps up, she can swap weekends & have 1on1 time with DD.

There are no easy answers but if DS’s behaviour is that challenging that he can’t even be taught any regulating behaviours or how to have a good day, then the OP needs a significant amount of support & help to get some respite for all the kids and herself before everyone burns out and the family falls apart.

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Agreed. People also seem to be totally ignoring this is a child with what sounds like significant difficulties. I don't think stating that her daughter will resent her and making offhand and overly simplistic implications that her son ought to effectively get in line are helping one iota. There's clearly an issue and she could do with support, but a vast number of these remarks don't seem to be grounded in reality. You can't put two and two together and make five, however hard you try.

Nottodaybob · Yesterday 18:38

ElizabethNatalie · Yesterday 18:25

Agreed. People also seem to be totally ignoring this is a child with what sounds like significant difficulties. I don't think stating that her daughter will resent her and making offhand and overly simplistic implications that her son ought to effectively get in line are helping one iota. There's clearly an issue and she could do with support, but a vast number of these remarks don't seem to be grounded in reality. You can't put two and two together and make five, however hard you try.

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My comment may not have been helpful, but it was my reality as someone who has lived it. Could my parents have done something different at the time? Possibly, possibly not. Could they have better acknowledgement the impact it was having on me? Definitely. Could they have had fewer children? Absolutely. Do they have to reap the results of what they have sown? Yes.

OP may be unable to change her daughter's physical reality of having a disabled sibling but she can at least acknowledge her daughter's feelings on the situation.

ElizabethNatalie · Yesterday 18:46

Nottodaybob · Yesterday 18:38

My comment may not have been helpful, but it was my reality as someone who has lived it. Could my parents have done something different at the time? Possibly, possibly not. Could they have better acknowledgement the impact it was having on me? Definitely. Could they have had fewer children? Absolutely. Do they have to reap the results of what they have sown? Yes.

OP may be unable to change her daughter's physical reality of having a disabled sibling but she can at least acknowledge her daughter's feelings on the situation.

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I didn't see your specific comment, but remarks saying she shouldn't have had more kids, saying "my husband stayed with me", recommending a disabled little boy behaves better, saying "don't bring a dog into this mess" are in poor taste in my opinion. I'm sorry you feel your childhood was impacted similarly but I think overall many comments are unkind. Of course some valuable practical solutions have been offered too.

sittingonabeach · Yesterday 18:47

ElizabethNatalie · Yesterday 18:18

Why did you remark that?

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In all fairness the younger two children's lives will also be impacted by DS10, they are just not old enough to articulate it yet. They should also be signposted to Young Carers when older.

4 DC is a large family. Quite tough for the eldest DD to accept 3 further siblings from another dad, regardless of SN

spinningpenguin · Yesterday 18:48

TurtleMcTurtle · Yesterday 12:36

As your DD is coming up to GCSE age, have you considered letting her move in with her Dad? Is this even a possibility?

Her home life sounds quite difficult and (as she pointed out) your DD is low down on your list of priorities, so if she could move to a school in her Dad’s area and live there during her exam years (assuming his home is less chaotic), could that be a solution? And would DD want that?

This 100%

Lovingapeacefulgarden · Yesterday 18:57

As a mum of 3 kids one who is autistic with adhd and ARFID (specialist provision school placement so quite high needs) it does look like you are prioritising your ds over your dd all the time. Why should she always be let down because of her brothers needs? Part of parenting is juggling and believe me I know its much harder when you have a child with complex needs but that does not mean one child should always be the one who gets put to the bottom of your list. How much is your ds able to understand? Can he understand if you explain to him in simple terms his sister needs you to take her somewhere and you promised you would so have to. None of my kids miss out on activities because of ds1 needs. It wouldn't be fair to always put him first or to teach him everyone will do what he wants. You need to listen to your DD on this and not just tell her she matters but show her.

ElizabethNatalie · Yesterday 19:01

sittingonabeach · Yesterday 18:47

In all fairness the younger two children's lives will also be impacted by DS10, they are just not old enough to articulate it yet. They should also be signposted to Young Carers when older.

4 DC is a large family. Quite tough for the eldest DD to accept 3 further siblings from another dad, regardless of SN

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It still doesn't really explain the why though. Unnecessary.

OffTheMap · Yesterday 19:03

spinningpenguin · Yesterday 18:48

This 100%

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That would be a delicate conversation!

Not just de-prioritised but ejected! And leave all her friends, who must be so important to her given her lack of support at home.

Life is confusing for 13 year olds, they still want their Mums but also to be grown ups.

YYURYYUCICYYUR4ME · Yesterday 19:21

I had a brother who was hard work, probably had something you would diagnose today, but his demands, needs, attention grabbing, just got so I became self-reliant, stopped asking for anything, so I became the dependable older sister. Please make space and time for her, small but regular would do it and I believe make a real difference.

TheBlueKoala · Yesterday 19:21

@Bettyprime I think the best takeaway from all these posters are:

Acknowledge that it's not fair for her needs and desires to constantly be pushed aside because of her brother's disability

Tell her that you are trying to think about ways to give her more of your time. Get in touch with associations in your community.

Tell her that you don't want her to move to her dad's but if she feels she would get more space and time to herself you will support her because her happiness is most important to you.

Thatsillymama · Yesterday 19:26

My brother is in a similar situation. He's on his own with 4 children. The youngest is preverbal autistic with a lot of sensory issues. The other children often feel frustrated with their brothers behaviours and routines and how it impacts day to day life.
Do you have family or friends to help for a few hours? I mind my nephew every week just so my brother has a chance to get quality time with the other children.

ThatGoldScroller · Yesterday 19:30

Book the cinema. Treat it like it’s important. On the way back make a plan for another activity in a month. It doesn’t need to be expensive, baking or having “book club” or anything that requires full attention and excludes your DS and the little ones.
Don’t say you will do something and then not.

You need to invest in a 13 year old relationship to get through teen years.

DD says everything in this house revolves around her brother and I don’t know what to say to her

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