DD says everything in this house revolves around her brother and I don’t know what to say to her

[Bettyprime]

I’m a single mum to 4, DD13, DS10, DS7 and DD3. DS10 is autistic and needs quite a lot of support with everyday things, especially changes to plans and busy places. He’s not a naughty child, he just gets overwhelmed quite quickly and once he’s past a certain point there’s not much I can do except get him somewhere quiet and let him settle. I’m not really sure how to explain it without making him sound like a nightmare because he isn’t, but it can be hard work.

DD13 has always been quite independent and doesn’t ask for much. She’s into music and seeing her friends and mostly just gets on with things. I’ve probably relied on that a bit too much if I’m honest. Last weekend she wanted me to take her and a friend into town and then collect them later. DS was already having a difficult day and I couldn’t make it work, so she ended up getting the bus with her friend instead. She was fine at the time but yesterday she told me she’s sick of everything being about him and that she feels like she doesn’t matter unless I’m needed for something.

It wasn’t said in a massive row either, which probably made it worse. She was helping me put some washing away and just said it like she’d been thinking about it for ages. I asked her what she meant and she said we never do anything she wants because I’m always worrying about how DS will cope. She brought up a day out we’d planned in the summer that we cut short because he was struggling, and a cinema trip we’d talked about but never actually booked. I could feel myself getting defensive because I do try, and it’s not as if I deliberately choose him over her.

The awkward thing is I don’t have loads of help. The younger three’s dad is around but he’s unreliable, and I can’t always count on him to have them when he says he will. My eldest’s dad has her alternate weekends, but he lives far enough away that he can’t just pop over and take her somewhere. My mum helps if she can, but she’s got her own health issues and I can’t expect her to manage all four.

I know DD13 has missed out on things and I hate that she feels this way. At the same time, I can’t just pretend DS doesn’t have additional needs because his sister wants to go somewhere. Sometimes I can arrange for someone to take him or stay with him, but it isn’t always possible, and I can’t afford to pay for childcare every time either.

I did tell her she matters just as much as the others, but she said she knows I love her and that’s not the point. Which I suppose is fair enough. I just don’t know what I’m meant to say when I can’t promise things will change overnight. I don’t want her to feel she’s had to grow up quicker because she’s the oldest, but I also can’t magic up another adult to help me.

Has anyone else been in this position with siblings, especially when one child needs more support? How do you make the other children feel seen without making promises you might not be able to keep?

Taking her out of school for a day only confirms the idea that her needs cannot be met in the ordinary way of things, though, and hence the message that it's not reasonable for her to expect attention and care on an ordinary day. Not a good message in the long run.

I really wish OP would come back and indicate that she's considering trying something, though, and taking what her daughter has said seriously rather than just listing all the things she can't do (that nobody has asked her to do).

I think you are probably putting more on her young shoulders than you realise. It's understandable but it's too much when you're 13 and you want to be a kid.

I'm sorry you had children with men who turned out to be so absent and unreliable. It leaves a lot for you to deal with.

Please bear in mind that she might think that you're suggesting that to get rid of her. That she really is less important to you, and if she doesn't live with you, you can give her brother even more attention.

I’m not sure about asking her if she’d like to live with her dad. She might take it as you actually choosing DS over her because she spoke up?

Quite

Absolutely this .

I can't offer much advice but I just wanted to say you sound like a wonderful, loving and caring mum and you are doing great trying to balance the needs of all your children. I really feel for you as it must be heartbreaking to hear her say that, but bear in mind that she obviously feel safe and loved enough to be able to open up to you.

Both things can be true OP. I notice every post you write, even if it starts of being about your DD, ends up being about your DS. This is what your DD is facing. Even as she's told you exactly how she feels, you're saying I can't because of DS. If you don't make some changes, she will walk.

This. He is the weak link in this.

I taught children like OP's son for decades, and I'm getting infuriated by the number of people blaming OP for having more children.

a) very often, by the time that one child's special needs really come to the fore, mum is already pregnant or has already had the child's sibling/s.

b) while the child with special needs is very young, often their needs don't take up the kind of time, and restrict the rest of the family, in the way they will later. So the parents don't recognise how hard life is going to be in the future. They think they'll manage. I've seen some of the least difficult SEN five year olds turn into very complex 15 year olds. And sometimes vice versa.

And c) what the f *ing right do you think you have to blame such a parent for wanting and having other children? It's classic victim blaming (especially from lucky parents who have non-complex kids) and I'll come out to fight for any SEN parent having to listen to that.

Do you claim PIP / DLA for your 10 year old if so why not use those funds to pay for some childcare for him so you have quality time with the others

I’m and ex- teacher and a current adolescent SW
My advice would be give it a go anyway - at the moment DD resents MUM not trying. If mum tries and it goes wrong DD will still see her doing her best.
Its a parent taking the ‘path of least resistance’ that’s probably causing the harm

Failing that use his DLA for specialist babysitting and spend time with her that way.

I want to add to those saying you sound like a lovely mom, and it’s testament to that that your DD felt able to raise this.

Young carers groups know what this is like for everyone. I would really encourage you to encourage your DD to access support for her and her alone. I don’t say, as others have, you can change anything, necessarily. I’m certainly not going to lecture you about WHAT you can change and ask others to do. But what you have started is a process to really hear your DD: right now, she feels lonely and left out and unimportant, and she was brave enough to tell you that. She is also able to think about what she would like to change. Maybe she needs to talk to Childline, to find out more about young carers, to talk to school about how to be more happy with the situation. What I’m saying is that the situation may not change, but she can still know she is important and has support. Sometimes just telling someone how you feel is a really good first step. Possibly you all know it can’t be fixed, but she can still be heard, is my point.

It’s a post where OP wants reassurance she is doing her best and that’s okay- her daughter will be fine etc

This really resonated with me. I waa the elder child with a disabled sibling. There were adjustments to be made and I didnt think it impacted me much. It was what it was.
Roll on to adulthood. Im massively resentful my childhood was ruined and I came across the phrase " glass child' and it described me to a T.
However hard it is, try to manage her needs, show her she is valued just aa much and don't just rely on words, there needs to be actions.
I appreciate it is difficult and that you are doing your best in the circumstances life has given you x

This, i have to wonder why OP had a 4th child when this difficult child was 7 by which age these challenges were presumably apparent?? No wonder the oldest DD feels neglected

I think firstly and most importantly, sweep away your defensiveness and tell her yes, she has often gone without the attention she needs and deserves because of her brothers needs.

You are doing a great job and juggling a lot - but several things can be true at once - you love her unconditionally, she is often de-prioritised and practical solutions re hard for you to find. Let her know she is heard, and don't 'yes, but...' her. Tell her thank you for speaking openly to you.

The truth is she is also watching you run ragged looking after her half siblings while their Dad does not pull his weight - and she is bearing the brunt of all of this. Some of the brunt,

Is there any chance of Respite Care for your DS? Respite Care, or Short Break provision?

Can your Mum manage the 2 youngest for an afternoon, if his Dad takes the 10 yo? Or if you can get respite care / short break?

On Friday and Saturday nights can you make special evenings in with your Dd after the others have gone to bed? Have a takeaway that the others don't like, watch a film of her choosing.

I’ve not read the post where you say you’ve ruined her life -but please don’t think you’ve ruined her life. You always have a chance for another conversation. As long as you thank her for being honest with you and acknowledge her feelings the door will stay open and hopefully you can make a plan to change things in the future.

Edited to add context as I didn’t press ‘quote’ apparently.

How wonderful did she was able to open this conversation with you, hopefully you'll be able to have an ongoing conversation about what needs to change and what is possible. Love after all is not just a feeling it's our actions.

If you have time I really recommend looking up glass child syndrome online and having a little read about what parents can do to prevent it.

Also if you haven't already got a carer's assessment for yourself (and for your other children) that could be really helpful in terms of getting you support so that you can spend dedicated time with each of your children individually.

Also remember to look after yourself!

Speaking as a middle child with an asd younger brother (undiagnosed as they were back then). I'll tell you my feelings.

I very much felt that my things didn't matter. Because he made a fuss, and would be as awkward as possible if he didn't get his way, or something was happening for me, then I felt like I was considered less important, less good at things and that anything I did took second place.
The fact that I could be relied on to back down, not make a fuss, give things away was just accepted at home.
This is something that now, as an adult with adult children, still effects me. I still back away from conflict, expect me to have to compromise and don't make a fuss even when I mind a lot.

Even saying I'd done well at something, or thank you for helping was said in a quiet "don't let him know..." sort of way. And I was always expected to keep quiet, and compromise.
So if I asked to go somewhere in the morning, and he (after dm had agreed) wanted to do something else, what I wanted to do would be shifted to the afternoon - and then the next day if he wanted something in the afternoon. Dm probably thought she did it really well, as she'd come to me and explain why it was so much better for me to do it in the afternoon etc and I'd agree to keep the peace. I knew full well what was happening. It hurt.
If I saved up and bought myself something, or got something as a big present (often over 2-4 birthday/Christmas) within a month dm would decide "she" needed one. Which would then disappear into dbro's room and only he would use it. Again she probably thought how cleverly she did it to make sure he didn't have a fuss because I had something nice. It hurt.

For me two times where I tried to stand up for myself and refused to back down dm got cross with me, and her biggest concern was not that I was upset, but that dbro might hear me complaining and be upset that I was making a fuss. And he got his own way anyway.

My advice would be first of all thank her for letting you know. Don't deny it. Don't use platitudes like "I'm sorry if you feel that way".
At her age you haven't long before she will be off with her friends and it will be too late.
You can try asking how you can change. Idea of you going out for a girlie night out or day trip just you two is one. Give her a word she can say when she feels like she's being ignored. Explain that that doesn't mean that is a word that makes sure she gets her way, but by making you aware it gives you chance to think through.
I think though if your example is happening frequently, you do need to think things through. Because if you've promised something, then it's taken away because of his behaviour (and my dbro was very manipulative if he was aware that dm was taking me somewhere or similar) then that is saying he takes priority over her. Could you, for example have seen if your mum could have taken them and picked them up from town? Did you at least apologise? Could you have given her extra money to get the bus and lunch as a treat...

There's also was it impossible because of his behaviour, or just awkward? Dm didn't like doing anything if dbro was kicking off. So, for example if she was taking me somewhere one of his manipulations was to announce he was coming too as we were leaving. He'd then go for a shower and she'd hover around saying "we really need to go" although dad was around and so he could have been left. The number of things we got too far too late or not at all because he'd done that was significant. As a parent with a ds with asd, I stand by that she should have said to him "not today unless you can be straight out of the door" - and dbro now admits that she'd probably have only had to do that once before he stopped doing it. Yes, he'd have been awful when we got back, and we'd have heard how he was the hardest treated person on the planet and what mother could ever.... but it would have shown me that for once I had a priority.
So think about when you're changing because of his behaviour - is it have to change because of safety, or is it simply easier? And also does he do this frequently when you've promised her a lift? Think back. How often do you promise to do something for her, and how often does he stop/alter it? Maybe you should ask her? I suspect she'll see it as a far more frequent occurrence than you realise.

I imagine that if she's feeling this way, then I suspect your younger ones will too, if not now, then as they get older.

I’m curious as to what the point of these kinds of posts are? They offer no meaningful ideas or support and clearly the OP cannot reverse time and not have some/all of her other children. They seem solely to be about berating the OP and apportioning blame. Perhaps one of the people posting this sort of thing can explain what it is they’re trying to achieve?

I agree with you on some points but having 4 children is a choice. The OP isn't a victim. Wanting and having children are two separate things. I'd love more children but I know it wouldn't be in our child's and familys best interests. Sometimes you have to be a responsible adult and put your wants to the side.

Young carers include siblings, which acknowleges that their lives are greatly impacted by having a disabled child in the family.

My DD is autistic and family life became a lot more manageable when she was able to stay home by herself. Might start to be possible for short periods of time, perhaps once DS is 11?

@Bettyprime If you read my earlier post you will see that years ago, I was your DD13.

I struggle to put this in the right words so forgive me if I am clumsy. Your daughter knows she is loved, she obviously has a good relationship with you because she told you how she was feeling without any tantrums, falling out etc. You are obviously doing a lot right. I was also in a single parent family and I will start here by acknowledging that as a single parent, you are between a rock and a hard place.

A "glass child" is a term often used for a child who grows up alongside a sibling with high needs, whether that is due to disability, illness, behavioural difficulties, mental health problems, addiction, or simply a sibling who requires a disproportionate amount of your attention. The idea is that parents "look through" them like glass. Not because they don't love them, but because the louder or more urgent child's needs dominate family life.
The glass child often learns not to make demands, to minimise their own problems, to be "easy", to cope alone ant to feel unseen rather than unloved.
That's an important distinction. Many glass children will say: "I know my parents loved me." rather than "I felt important."

From your description and my own experience, what strikes me is that your DD13 isn't necessarily asking for more activities or more people. If a child says:
"Everything in this house revolves around my brother," the emotional message underneath is often: "Does anyone notice me?" rather than: "Can someone take me somewhere else for a few hours?". That is why some well-meaning suggestions can accidentally miss the point i.e. her friends coming around or more time with her Dad. Helpful if it is presented as "special time because you matter". Potentially harmful if it feels like "Mum stays with your brother while you go elsewhere because you are not her priority". More time with friends:
Helpful because every teenager needs peer relationships. Potentially unhelpful if the underlying complaint is about belonging within her own family and that is what she has told you she needs - to be seen and acknowledged.

The key question is whether she feels seen, heard and valued. For example, imagine two responses:
Response A
"Why don't you spend more time with your friends?" DD13 may hear: "Go somewhere else."
Response B
"I can see why you feel that way. Your brother does need a lot of attention, but I've clearly not done enough to show you that you're just as important to me."
DD13 hears: "I see you." Most children settle once they genuinely believe they've been understood.

What I also notice is that she's 13. That's an age where fairness becomes incredibly important. Teenagers are very sensitive to unequal treatment, and even when they intellectually understand why a sibling receives more attention, they can still feel hurt by it emotionally.

A parent can be completely justified in giving one child more time and still have another child who feels neglected. Both things can be true at once so please don't think I am getting at you as you have an awful lot on your plate.

So I would probably be asking: Does she get uninterrupted one-to-one attention? Does anyone ask about her day first? Are family decisions regularly altered because of her brother? When she expresses frustration, is she heard or immediately reminded about why her brother needs more support?
If the answer to those questions is often "no", then she may well be describing a glass-child experience.

My feeling, based on how you've characterised the discussion, is that your DD13 isn't necessarily looking for more distance from the family. She may be looking for more connection with the family and reassurance that she occupies an important place in it. Sometimes children who feel invisible don't need compensatory activities, they need someone to stop, look directly at them, and say: "I know things have revolved around your brother a lot recently. Thank you for telling me how you feel. You matter just as much, and I don't want you to feel overlooked." That sort of response addresses the wound itself, whereas sending her elsewhere only addresses the symptom. Sending her elsewhere without this reassurance will only reaffirm her feelings of being unseen.

You can never totally resolve this because you have a son whose behaviour can not be managed by a diary and you never know when you will need to prioritise him and ask your DD13 to understand, as it sounds like she does but understanding and feeling unseen are not mutually exclusive.

I think if you can an hour, sit down with your DD13, and tell her you have been thinking about what she has said and that you appreciate how nicely she said it. Tell her you love her and that you hear and see her and accept she is right but that it is out of your control. But tell her you can spend an inset day together, just you and her. Maybe see if you can get carers in or respite care for a weekend for your son - I think you could benefit from this too and you have a lot to cope with. Then spend some quality time with your daughter, try do this at least once a month. It doesn't need to be extravagant, just you and her time.

Big hugs OP, a says a lot that you have posted about it because you are not ignoring her, you want things to be better.