Son has called SS on me

[Itsme20]

I have claimed pip on behalf of my son, we agreed for him to have 45 pounds a week, I was also paying his transport to
college every week out of my own money, he messaged me wanting the full amount of pip, I said no as I thought he would waste the money, he was going in on me calling me names and being horrible; I then agreed the next day he could have it all as I don’t want to fall out with him over money so I thought oh just get on with it! In the meantime he has called SS on me saying I am financially abusing him; I have all the evidence on my phone of me ordering him what he asked for with his money and the rest I transferred him, he also has added onto the report that I emotionally neglect him. And leave him in his room, he is 16 and a half years old; I have messages on my phone repeatedly asking him to do things, I’m really worrying about the visit as I havnt heard a lot of good things regarding social services and frankly I’m so hurt that he has done this to me, I have a one year old too; what would
i expect from the visit? My house is clean I have food in the cubords, I have spoilt my 16 year old son and now thinking about it this has got me no where, what do I do?

I totally get that you’re concerned about the visit tomorrow but like some others have said, I would welcome their involvement.

Ask them what support is available and if you can have a Carer’s Assessment.

You know that you’re over compensating both your own childhood and being a single Mum, but it sounds as though he has a lifting home and is well cared for.

Nearly all Mothers feel guilty a lot of the time but you do have to not let that guilt be the main driver in your decision making

You’ve said that if he was 18 you would have taken him to the Council to find his own place. I totally get that you’ve been cross about his actions.

The Council have long ago stopped giving housing to young single men though apart from in rare cases.

Now might be the time though to start to think about how he sees his twenties. I’m sure you’d be happy to have him live with you but that might not be tenable if he’s reporting you every time you have to be firm.

I receive PIP.
PIP is about covering the cost of disability.

Like the foods he can eat rather than whatever you’re making for everyone else.
The car cost when you drive him to appointments, to see friends etc…
Whatever equipment to deal with sensory stimulation (a sock, soecific music, fidget toy, whatever works fir him)

What would be wrong is for him to get all the money and for you to carry n payment fur all of those put of your pocket.

Now I agree he needs some money to learn how to budget, make decision on what he is going to buy etc…

But I would feel much more logical tome that you receive the money and he gets an allowance. Until he is 18yo.
And in the mean time, to transfer that responsibility to him, slowly over the 2 years.

I wouldn’t have taken him to the council I said that as I was annoyed I didn’t mean that, I did say in the thread, he’s a good boy and wouldn’t deserve that in his mum he needs me, your right it isn’t tangible for him to live with me into his twenties, even he has agreed with me on that ,

That’s what my original plan was, but we fell out about it and he was calling me a thief and being nasty so I agreed with transferring him the whole amount, hopefully social will agree with my plan tomo and it will go back to that

What else do you pay for him? Make him learn the hard way. He needs to pay for his transport, phone etc. Not you.

I pay for absolutely everything, all the unnecessary expenses will now be stopped

make sure you allow SS to talk to him alone

this was a problem we had with someone that came into our office - I reported for financal abuse but every time someone went out the person abusing was their or turned up and nobody could get to the bottom of what was happening for 6 months. In this case obviously he was being abused

in your case though it might be worth thinking about letting SS talk to him alone to get to grips with what he is saying and ask them if you can explain what has happened

Yea she can speak to him alone, she has already told me what he had reported and what he said; I did explain what had happened and she agreed with the 45 pound week allowance, so somehow I think he has shot himself in the foot with this one

Pip is to help with the extra costs and care needs of a disability to enable him to live his life. Op, I imagine you are providing all food. If, for example he needs special food because of being only able to eat specific things, then you should be reimbursed for that, travel definitely is something he should be paying for. There must be other expenses that you are shouldering that pip should be paying for.

I think he needs to understand what it’s actually for? And maybe you need to be clear, too?

It’s to cover the additional costs incurred in daily life/facilitate his independence in the light of his disability? That may mean paying towards a mobile phone, paying for his additional medications (ie a prepayment certificate), your petrol costs/taxis if he needs this to get him to 6th form college, specialist/preferred footwear, a tech device/software/apps that support him in college and organisationally that cannot be provided by the LA etc. It is likely that you already personally pay the bulk of these costs out of your own purse, taking from family members (ie less money to spend on food), therefore you absorb it and spend it on his behalf, so as long as that is the case, you keep it all.

If you feel you are only using half, then you place the rest in a savings account for when larger costs/bigger items may need to be paid for, such as a course of therapy, a printer so he can have hardcopies of college texts etc.

It is not ‘pocket money’?

I know that you probably said that in anger. You must be shocked and quite upset with him making the call.

If you’ve both agree that it would be difficult for him to still live at home in say 10 year time, perhaps you can ask the SW about how he would move to assisted living when the time is right?

If he says that you’re emotionally neglecting him, is he simply feeling the normal emotions of having a relatively new sibling and you having to share your time more?

That is your prerogative of course.

There was no interview for me to be an appointee, I can assure you. Just a piece of paper to sign and return.

I love how people who haven’t actually been through the process are so certain they know more than those who have though.

And with such confidence too

But this is odd, though? I have actually been through the process.

I had a man from the DWP come to our home, meeting both my DD and me - and was told this was purely about vetting me as suitable to be her appointee. I was interviewed in her presence, she answered questions despite being very obviously uncomfortable with his presence (Aspergers type ASC + ADHD, plus lots of other letters). In that interview I was told that the monies should be paid to me, which I expressed concern about but he was quite insistent.

There was then a separate interview for/about her but as a result of the DWP meeting it was held by them that it was not fair to expect her to travel 20miles to a place that was unfamiliar and attend in person. In fact, the interview was undertaken with me by phone, going over and expanding fully on the responses I’d put in the application form. Both meetings took 90mins +.

I was never sent a form to become an appointee. Perhaps different levels of disability and respective ages - my DD was over 18 for example - have different protocols.

It’s not ‘odd’

We’ve just had a different experience.

So please don’t insist that I had to be interviewed or assessed to become her appointee because of all the things that never happened this never happened the most.

Erm, calm down, will you?

a) I never insisted anything about you or anyone else, just stated that in my opinion it seemed odd, given the interrogation I was subjected to (and, yes, I am allowed to have an opinion - per your earlier post - because I have also been through ‘the process’); and
b) I allowed for different experiences of that process (such as yours) probably being due to differences in circumstances/disability needs. It’s right there in the last flipping paragraph.

You might want to step away from this thread if you can’t engage without accusing people like me of being a liar. Because that was really fucking uncalled for.

Is he paying for his own expenses eg travel, phone, clothes, food etc out of his own pocket money or are you paying for everything? Explain to him that if he receives pip himself he will be responsible for all of these plus paying you board, petrol money to run him places etc. my dd, who admittedly is good at maths, realised that the £100 a month she got just as pocket money was a good deal

also i wasn’t interviewed to be an appointee either, i just signed to say she at 16 didn’t have capacity to manage money

I apologise, I thought you were threadguarddog but you’re someone else.

I don’t, however, agree that it’s odd, no? You just sound like someone who required a greater degree of scrutiny. The fact that I didn’t doesn’t make my experience odd.

You can request for him to have an independent appointee, you can ask the social worker about this, also ask them to do a mental capacity assessment for finances with him, this will decide whether he has the capacity to manage his own finances.
Does your son understand what his PIP payment is for? If he receives the mobility award does he understand that, that money is for his transport costs?

Update- everything went well today and it has backfired on him. The social worker was nice and understanding, she agreed with everything I said, witch he didn’t take well and stormed out

I'm glad to hear that actually OP. Hopefully this has given you some positive reinforcement to continue staying firm over this issue?

Yes it has, it was a nice for someone else to agree with me in front of him, to help him understand I’m not in the wrong

Yeah this is how I thought it would go. Good. Are you still going to give him all his PIP (no judgement from me either way as I was never in this situation with mine)

So pleased to hear that OP, it was a cruel thing to do. Definitely do the costs written down thing so DS knows what it costs to live