Son has called SS on me

[Itsme20]

I have claimed pip on behalf of my son, we agreed for him to have 45 pounds a week, I was also paying his transport to
college every week out of my own money, he messaged me wanting the full amount of pip, I said no as I thought he would waste the money, he was going in on me calling me names and being horrible; I then agreed the next day he could have it all as I don’t want to fall out with him over money so I thought oh just get on with it! In the meantime he has called SS on me saying I am financially abusing him; I have all the evidence on my phone of me ordering him what he asked for with his money and the rest I transferred him, he also has added onto the report that I emotionally neglect him. And leave him in his room, he is 16 and a half years old; I have messages on my phone repeatedly asking him to do things, I’m really worrying about the visit as I havnt heard a lot of good things regarding social services and frankly I’m so hurt that he has done this to me, I have a one year old too; what would
i expect from the visit? My house is clean I have food in the cubords, I have spoilt my 16 year old son and now thinking about it this has got me no where, what do I do?

It's good you're feeling angry. I get the place you're in. I had 3 with SNs and it's a fucking slog. We make so many compromises to keep them regulated throughout childhood, it's very easy to fall into the trap of just giving in for a quiet life. In the long run though it comes back to bite you.

Yes I think having someone explain this to him is definitely worth while, just can’t wait for her to visit and tell him, it might backfire on him and he will wish he didn’t do this, maybe she will agree with me giving him a set amount a week then me having the rest to manage and save for him

Back in the day we used to threaten our parents with calling Childline.

I suspect Childline could spot a spoilt teenager complaining how life was so unfair from a mile away.

I know. I havnt done myself any favours, I try to over compensate and be a caring mother, looking back on his messages I have been trying to smooth everything over and be nice whilst he has just been nasty to me; It has now got to the point where I have had enough and frankly I think fuck off ur over 16 now it’s time to take some responsibility and help yourself, I’m sick of everything being claimed on me, I am a good mum and I am hurt and angry, I have been feeling ill since I got the phone call last week

I think he is abusing you! He might not mean to but he is. I think social services might be helpful so YOU get support. Are you connected to any parent support groups so you have in person support?

I think you’re right, he is abusing me, whether that is intentional or not I’m not too sure? He knows what he is doing, he is highly intelligent, he also no I’m a walk over, no I don’t have any support my mum was a big help but she died couple of years back,

hes father is an abuser too, it crossed my mind a couple of nights back wondering if he’s like his dad, I hated the thought of it but it did cross my mind, he has no contact with his dad due to him being an abuser too, does it run in the family like that ?

Perhaps any social services contact for this will therefore be a positive for OP. Maybe this will help open a discussion and you can talk through what you deal with and they can highlight any support.

Until then I wouldn't start handing this money over just to stop it or you are showing him that if he is abusive he gets his way. It might be worth writing down all the extra costs associated with his disability so he can see what that money is actually for.

If part of his PIP assessment includes his inability to budget, then he will need someone to manage his money for him.

Then there are costs relating to mobility, eating and cooking, washing and dressing, and the rest. If there are expenses associated with that, and you currently pay for them, for example particular foods, then the money is supposed to cover that, too.

I think assuming he has capacity (sounds like he does) you need to come down a little hard on him. First and foremost, I would say to him you love him dearly and you don’t want to see him unhappy so if he believes you are abusing him to this extent, you are willing to work with SS to find him an alternative situation no longer in your home where he can be happy. Hopefully that will frighten the life out of him but if it doesn’t, maybe to salvage your relationship he DOES need to leave and start to gain independence elsewhere in a supported setting. He needs to learn trying to get you in trouble to get his own way will have consequences. If he reassures you he does not wish to leave, I’d be tempted to hand over the PIP in its entirety for a few months (once he has paid you back) but then no longer do all the things the money was previously spent on. Tell him to make the purchase himself and help him do so if necessary. If he runs out then tough, he’ll have to miss college till the next payment, or walk. Hopefully he will agree you should manage it once more after a while.

I'm sorry but what is he spending the PIP money on? It's not pocket money for ice cream and Xbox games, it needs to be spent according to the rules

https://www.gov.uk/pip

The thing is PIP is there to support his care needs and even the playing field so he can be just as capable as any other 16 year old.

It’s not the same thing as money from a PT job, for instance. My dd has full control of her money. Because she works and earns it and I don’t care if she blows it on crap. That’s her own stupid mistake.

But this money is to support him given his care needs. It’s not for online shopping or treating like Monopoly money. It needs to be prioritised for things like his transport, additional educational support, an enabler, whatever it is he needs to be as independent and self sufficient as possible.

I think you need to figure out if that’s something he can actually do himself and if not, social services support to figure out how to get him to that point by 18 sounds really helpful.

I have told him if he feels that way he can move out when he is 18, I have a baby to look after aswell; I havnt left the house since I got the phone call. I need to put my mental health first so I can look after my other children. I don’t need him reporting me for things, it’s not on,

This!!!

The additional costs of a condition or disability are vast and diverse depending upon the condition. There are no set 'rules' about what it can be spent on, it was designed to meet the additional costs of managing a condition compared to someone who does not have a disability. For example, with some physical disabilities this can be additional heating, transport, extra other gas or electricity to cover costs of incontinence or other physical issues, special diet if there are digestive or swallowing issues, many more. For non physical disabilities it can include the cost of appropriate activities to help manage the condition, special diet, clubs, lots more.

Yes this is my exact point, it needs to be spent in all the ways you described, depending on the individual needs. My question is what is he spending it on?

Thank you. You are correct; I’m not sure why people are asking what he spends the money on when they can spend it on things that makes his life easier for him

That was an awful thing for him to do, though he probably doesn't appreciate just how hurtful and worrying it is.
I'm not sure what he expects SS to do, though, at his age. And how long does he expect to be living with you?

Not the same but if it makes you feel any better OP, the little brother of my DD’s best friend once called the police on him…….. for trying to get him to school. I suspect the relevant services are used to spotting when it’s just teens trying to be vindictive and have no merit. I remember I was livid when DD told me.

You said in your first post:

"I said no as I thought he would waste the money"

This is what made me think he's spending this money on trivial things instead of the things that would genuinely help with his disability, which is what PIP is for

It is awful what he has done, wen this is over and done with I will be explaining the hurt he has caused: I am so angry and upset, if he was 18 he would have been out the door; I will be telling him if he pull a stunt like this again he will be down the council finding a place to stay; he don’t know how Lucky he has got it; my son has only had his first payment, he has bought himself a single bed as he wanted to get rid of his double one due to space saving, he also bought a single mattress with it; I took some for the travel costs; I will see what he do with his next payment and go from there

100% - I have no problem as a taxpayer with people getting PIP to help with additional needs. But thinking that a 16yo is potentially using it to buy shit is more than a bit annoying. I appreciate that's not your fault OP.

You've got to understand the power differential here. He's 16 and under your roof. So when you say you both agreed that he could have £45 a week (of his money!) that isn't an agreement of two equals. The law states that that money should be paid to him. You don't have the right to keep control of it. The way you're speaking about him is very concerning frankly.

Yes and I would have covered his transport to college, it’s not concerning I am his appointee, I spend a lot of my own money on my son, he is not neglected in anyway, I would have saved the rest of his money on things he need, the money would have been spent on my son

OK, I can see a single bed and more space could be necessary. Sorry, when you said about him wasting his money I thought you were worried he was going to blow it on clothes and computer games!