Son has called SS on me

[Itsme20]

I have claimed pip on behalf of my son, we agreed for him to have 45 pounds a week, I was also paying his transport to
college every week out of my own money, he messaged me wanting the full amount of pip, I said no as I thought he would waste the money, he was going in on me calling me names and being horrible; I then agreed the next day he could have it all as I don’t want to fall out with him over money so I thought oh just get on with it! In the meantime he has called SS on me saying I am financially abusing him; I have all the evidence on my phone of me ordering him what he asked for with his money and the rest I transferred him, he also has added onto the report that I emotionally neglect him. And leave him in his room, he is 16 and a half years old; I have messages on my phone repeatedly asking him to do things, I’m really worrying about the visit as I havnt heard a lot of good things regarding social services and frankly I’m so hurt that he has done this to me, I have a one year old too; what would
i expect from the visit? My house is clean I have food in the cubords, I have spoilt my 16 year old son and now thinking about it this has got me no where, what do I do?

Think yourself lucky you don't have a clue.

My son is autistic, he has a phobia of choking and has made numerous calls to 111, he has emotional and sensory problems, he cannot eat in a room by himself, he has a diet that includes food he deems safe. My son gets a taxi to and from college, he is actually struggling to attend,he has been in receipt of dla that I had a professional do for us. My son is not lieing to get in receipt of dla. Like I say a measly 100 quid a week is nothing compared to a normal child,

Not sure what your point is? My DS has a chromosomal abnormality, ADHD, SPD, no autism diagnosis largely because he now masks so well. Attended mainstream school and college, and now works. Are you suggesting that his paediatrician and geneticist got it wrong? People present in many different ways.

I can see why you are really hurt and upset OP. But also I think he is a teen with additional needs and I don't think it's that uncommon for teens to have ridiculous notions of what's 'unfair', like claiming that their parents are putting them in danger (not giving them a lift when there is perfectly safe public transport available) or breaching their human rights by not buying their favourite cereal, or ruining their social standing for the whole of secondary school by not getting them the right trainers. I've heard of some teens threatening to call police or childlike etc. before. It will be harder for your son if he has literal thinking. So I'm not sure that all the posters saying they'd chuck him out or leave him 100pc to manage his own finances etc are being that helpful. Yes he did a bit of a shit thing but he's a child who took a perceived unfairness a bit far and made a mistake.

If your son didn't have autism, what would you be paying for? I think you should still pay for those things, and anything related to disability is what PIP is for.

Maybe that's what he means? Should the money be used for his transport? Or just 'extra' stuff like heating on in his room more? I mean even the bed is something I think a 16 year olds mother should pay for.

I think about other 16 year olds at college and they don't get over £100 a week- and most wouldn't earn this much week either. So he should be using this to make things easier for him and not subsiding things that you would ordinarily pay for anyway?

I know. He has got the wrong end of the stick, im his mum I understand that, he doesn’t understand the severity of what he has done, its abit of mid communication and understanding, just hurt and upset that the social is involved as you hear some negativity around them; I am just hopeing they come visit understand the full picture

my sons double bed I paid for last year was over 500 pounds,I agree I should pay for it but why should I when he had a brand new one: it’s his decision to wanting a smaller bed for more room: I pay for clothing for my child and new trainers, I don’t neglect my child they have better stuff then what I do, my child is not neglected he is spoilt

Let's hope SS do get involved - it may well be a learning curve for your son and they may well help (doubt it though, nothing in this country seems to work anymore).. Sorry, he does sound quite manipulative and you've got to start turning the corner on how much he gets away with as it's no longer acceptable. Being autistic isn't an excuse for treating his mum this way.

Found out my uni classmate called child line on her dad when she was a teenager - because he ground her for her bad teenage behaviour. She told me felt awful later because she never saw her dad look so defeated. It's a hideous thing to put a parent through. Some kids are just little shits, sorry to say OP and hopefully things will get better with healthier boundaries, if not he will have to find his own way when he is a little older. Best of luck.

It was his decision that he wanted a smaller bed, it’s not like he didn’t have a bed and I got him to pay for one: it was his idea to create more space

There’s always one ignorant person 🙄

I agree with everything you have said. It’s just hard for me due to his autism, I’m a good mum to him so this is a it if a kick in the teeth, I havnt left my home since I got the phone call; it has made me ill, I Need to toughen up maybe but I am heartbroken

It won't run in DNA

Yes there is, I find people like this don’t have experience with mental health and Autism and are blissfully unaware, they think we are conning the system;

Ok I’m glad to hear it, my son is loving really, just sometimes talk to me like I’m the bad person, autism has a lot to answer for

I agree about the bed. My daughter wanted a new lamp. She has a perfectly good one on her desk so this came out of her PIP. She also wanted under bed storage drawers. I would call this a furniture issue so I bought them for her. Needs I pay for. Wants she can pay for herself.

Yes that’s what I’ mean. I’m a mum and know what I should cover for my son, he has literally everything he needs and more; he had a lovely double bed to begin with, he bought and payed for his single bed and mattress, I paid for new sheets and singe quilt cover

I just think you can get a bee in your bonnet about stuff like that and then start seeing it confirmed in everything your son does- it's what we do!

You are rightly hurt, you are doing the right thing by just transferring him the PIP and stopping all other contributions beyond food and essentials. What an ungrateful boy.

OP I think one of the relevant details here is whether or not you are acting as his appointee with the DWP. If you’re not already, then you need to apply. You don’t need your son’s permission but the DWP will contact you and your son separately to determine if it’s appropriate. If you were previously his appointee for a child DLA claim, once it rolls over to PIP you need to renew the appointeeship.

The DWP will look at whether he can safely manage this money and that he understands what it’s for. Not understanding the value of money, or viewing disability benefits as ‘fun money’ as you describe him, is a common and acceptable reason for the DWP to grant appointeeship.

To be honest, as far as social services involvement goes I agree with the poster upthread who said that it’s to be welcomed. You haven’t done anything other than try to make sure he’s not wasting the money and it might be helpful for someone from the department to sit him down and explain that PIP isn’t just for him to spend indiscriminately - at this stage it’s more to support you in the extra cost of supporting him.

DS2 is at Uni living on campus and studying full time for a BSc. He also gets a full PIP award. He’d gladly trade the PIP for not having a condition that has robbed him of most of his eyesight as a teen leaving him legally blind.

Having a disability doesn’t automatically mean incapacitated but it does make life more challenging, hence the PIP.

Yes. I am glad I have started this thread and listened to people on here it’s very helpful to hear other people’s perspectives when your own has been clouded. I try my hardest with my children and would never fall out with them over money, I think my son at 16 years old is still a child and it’s a shame dla don’t run until they are 18, but for now I will be taking money he owes for catalogues and let him manage his own money, it will be a life experience for him, and in the meantime I will be stopping the deliveroo and shop orders for anything he pleases; he can spend it on his own money; and when that money is gone it’s gone I won’t be forking out

If he receives any element of the mobility component of PIP then his transport costs should come out of that. PIP theoretically can be spent on anything - if OP is his appointee there is nothing wrong with her adding it to other household income if she pays most of his costs. Handing it to him in it’s entirety is by no means the best way of ensuring it’s used as intended.

I think absolutely this

I would use this an opportunity for him to access support with managing his finances

That’s what I am in the process of establishing, he has only had his first payment and I am his appointee, I just want what is best for my son and don’t want to fall out with him over money, he has been sensible with his first payment so that’s a good start, I’m still learning myself we both are

I didn't say, or insinuate, that he was neglected.

Maybe he doesn't realise what the money is for. I buy all my 3 kids clothes, shoes and furniture for their rooms. But I don't pay for an Uber to and from school- because they don't need one. Your son does and that's what the money is for. I think it's about teaching him what extra costs he will have and showing him how to budget appropriately. I think that is your job now- if he spends it all on deliveroo (unless he needs to specifically) he won't have money to get to college etc