Son has called SS on me

[Itsme20]

I have claimed pip on behalf of my son, we agreed for him to have 45 pounds a week, I was also paying his transport to
college every week out of my own money, he messaged me wanting the full amount of pip, I said no as I thought he would waste the money, he was going in on me calling me names and being horrible; I then agreed the next day he could have it all as I don’t want to fall out with him over money so I thought oh just get on with it! In the meantime he has called SS on me saying I am financially abusing him; I have all the evidence on my phone of me ordering him what he asked for with his money and the rest I transferred him, he also has added onto the report that I emotionally neglect him. And leave him in his room, he is 16 and a half years old; I have messages on my phone repeatedly asking him to do things, I’m really worrying about the visit as I havnt heard a lot of good things regarding social services and frankly I’m so hurt that he has done this to me, I have a one year old too; what would
i expect from the visit? My house is clean I have food in the cubords, I have spoilt my 16 year old son and now thinking about it this has got me no where, what do I do?

Mine threatened to do that. As we knew he'd spaff the lot on drugs and his wastrel mates, there was no way he was getting it. Meticulous though in recording where it all went for him. He didn't btw and as an adult realises why.

Ask him if he’d like you both to approach the council and ask for him to be housed in care for 16/17 year olds? He sounds like a little shit, but you’ve created the monster

Yes, that’s why I’m letting him take financial responsibility at this time, I’m going to see what he wants to spend his money on,

I get you are so angry and upset, anyone would be. However in your position I would try not to speak to him in anger. It will feed into his narrative you are this big old meanie stealing his money. As I said above, take him at face value, discuss his moving out if he is so dissatisfied, discuss him taking over financial control but then making him live with the consequences. The phrase be careful what you wish for, you might just get it, fits well here.

There are no "rules" on how PIP is spent, in the same way as there are no rules on how Housing Benefit is spent - once the money is in your bank account, you can spend it as you wish.

A monster,? That’s abit harsh. My son is not a nasty person, he don’t drink or smoke. He doesn’t cause me any bother; just the way he had reacted to this is the problem, my other children don’t act like this,

I havnt; i have told him if he feels this way then to maybe move out, he denied he reported me at first so i think he knows he is in the wrong for doing so. He has been avoiding me, when tbis is all dealt with I will be explaining it to him

@Itsme20

I know. I havnt done myself any favours, I try to over compensate and be a caring mother, looking back on his messages I have been trying to smooth everything over and be nice whilst he has just been nasty to me; It has now got to the point where I have had enough and frankly I think fuck off ur over 16 now it’s time to take some responsibility and help yourself, I’m sick of everything being claimed on me, I am a good mum and I am hurt and angry, I have been feeling ill since I got the phone call last week

I think you have probably been too soft with him. How old is the baby and does the father of the baby live with you? He might be feeling pushed out a bit by the baby.

How much does he get? I presume it’s to cover bus pass to college & so if you are paying that it needs to come out of his PIP.

Is he capable of getting a part time job?

I'm so glad you see him in a loving way OP. I also have a 16 year old ds with autism and my heart hurts a bit at the struggles they face.

Please don't worry about SS. If you can, try to have some good bonding time with him. All the best.

It can also be seen as money that the recipient is unable to earn through a normal job, and it's their money to live on in the same way as someone who is able to work and earn that money.

Do you think that welfare benefits should be paid on a restricted spending card so they can't be spent on cigarettes, gambling, etc, but can only be used for necessities?

He is a good boy, I think his emotions took over him, he’s not nasty: that’s why I over compensate with him. I know I don’t do him no favours being like this but I am his mum, I had a shit childhood and not a good mum or dad: I want better for my kids: I have and always will stick up for him, he’s just misunderstood, and has taking things the wrong way, autism has a part to play in this

When my son was in his teens, we were advised that we should get him an Xbox as this would help alleviate his social isolation. Would you have seen that as wasting his PIP?

Yes that’s correct: he can within reason spend it on what he needs. My son is not sneaking out getting drunk and smoking. He suffers greatly with anxiety and if he’s not at college he is in his room

People are very judgmental when this topic appears, due to not understanding the complex needs of others, and being lucky there children don’t suffer with mental health, I’d rather my son not recieve pip and live a normal life a 16 year old would, all for the sake of just over a hundred pounds a week? No money would come close to me wanting my son just to be a healthy happy child, it’s heartbreaking

I think you should keep things clear and records of the money. Give him the full amount. He can pay for his own transport and a small amount towards rent if you need it. Stop buying him things, he can learn to save up.

That’s what I’m doing, I have a paper trail on my phone, I would never with hold or steal money from my son: it’s not worth falling out over

Just to say, OP, you can still be an appointee and the money can be paid into the claimant"s bank account. Just phone PIP and change the a/c details. But it's your call - you've been appointed to make the decision for him, no matter what names he calls you.

The very nature of his special needs means he isn’t going to get this stuff right a lot of the time. I agree it’s time to be assertive and create some firm boundaries but don’t be furious for too long, he needs you.

No we all make mistakes, he’s only young, I did explain to the social worker on the phone that it’s a shame he feels like this, I have tried everything with him and he takes things the wrong way, it’s his autism

Before my DD turned 18 we kept all of it, it wasn’t huge amounts but we could pay for extra school lessons, a car to drive her around in (she can’t use public transport), multiple pairs of noise cancelling headphones at £4-500 a pop, flare ear buds all to help keep out the noise. Specialist clothing so she could tolerate the fabric, a phone so she’s able to communicate when she goes selectively mute, she’s always with me except when she’s at college. She had to be tutored from home from 13, thabkfully school provided that and she could manage enough lessons to get 5 good GCSEs… there’s more I’m sure! Now she’s 18 she takes a quarter of what she gets and we use the rest for the car, and still most of the above but she can’t work due to her disabilities so can’t make money for herself sadly, I know she’d like to.

I’ve been able to retire due to my own MSK issues but am able to take her everywhere she needs to go - I think your child is being a spoilt brat in all honesty and I suspect SS will realise. It’s a fund to help support him with what he needs for his disability not for him to use like pocket money

I would make a list of costs that reasonably need to come out of his Pip including this order he has made without permission. I would explain that spending your money without permission is actually an offence but that you have instead supported him by allowing him to pay this off over x months. And then I would say that you are concerned he doesn’t have capacity to understand money so you will set these things out with the social worker and him because you are certainly not financially abusing him and that you would rather a third party is found to help him manage his money. I would empathise about him feeling sad or isolated but that blaming you isn’t right because you have continually tried to get him to come and do things with you or outside his room and suggest that you both agree some family time activities. Perhaps a cinema trip each week or something low pressure. Or a movie at home picked alternatively and a monthly adventure out to see somewhere new.

I suspect he won’t agree to any of it but you can try and that’s at least ways to evidence.

he may have very rigid thinking and only be able to see his own perspective. That’s really common. So I would just set it out in writing and be ready to talk to the social worker. Sorry you are going through it

My DD gets PIP. Because of her autism and MH issues the DWP insisted it is paid to me. It was made clear that that money is to be used for the benefit of the claimant but s NOT necessarily FOR their sole use - otherwise it would be paid into their account.

As a result I was expressly told that I am entitled to consider some of that money as reimbursement of expenses. Eg because I drive her everywhere, pay parking costs when going to town to collect medication, pay for her mobile phone, purchased the prescription prepayment etc that money is retained. I placed the initial back payment (it was £4000 as they took 8m to process it) into a separate account and have specifically used it for her - counselling therapy, specialist eye tests, ADHD meds etc because I was scared that it might look as though I had taken it too.

But no, if you are covering other costs that you incur as a result of his autism/disabilities, then he is NOT entitled to the full amount in cash himself. SS will have to chat to you no doubt, but they will see the bigger picture and hopefully offer you all support managing his behaviour - we were given a youth mentor to spend time with/counsel my daughter around his age which was really productive, and access to support services ourselves, so the SS involvement ended up being really fruitful.

@Itsme20 Intelligent and knows what he's doing, capable of attending and traveling to mainstream college, ordering expensive items from catalogues and manipulating situations like this to contact SS. But autistic of course and getting PIP.
?????

I think the money should be paid into his account.
Is he still in education?

PIP is specifically to cover care and mobility needs. Does he understand that?
He seems to see it as his pocket money to be spaffed up a wall.

I’d lay out his care and mobility costs. Ensure that he covers them himself.

His actions may backfire if SS notifies DWP if they think his current award is not appropriate.