How to help ds cope with this disappointment

[Irissnow85]

Ds has just started secondary school. Football is his life, he plays at a high standard and is a good solid player. He is never going to be professional- I’m not deluded, but he had a scout from a premiership club actually come and watch him personally twice a few years ago, nothing came of it but I mention that purely to put in context that he does have a good level of ability. For the first match there was an A team, B team and C team. He got put in the A team straightaway after trials for the first match, he did amazing at the trials and was one of the first few names to be taken down. At the match he was sub first, and then got 45 minutes then taken off again, it wasn’t his best but the coach had said well done to him a few times so he didn’t think it went terribly and he hadn’t stropped about being subbed or anything silly like that, his attitude remained good throughout as it should do . Fast forward to a couple of weeks later and the schools football coach has decided the next three fixtures right now, and not included my son in any of them, he has also put some boys that were previously b team on the a team (fair enough) and even some boys who were on the c team onto the a team, this is the part that has completely shattered by boys confidence. He was one of just two who were just dropped from the a team completely for all fixtures. Might have cushioned the blow if there was some b team matches arranged for those who didn’t make a team but theres nothing. It’s so brutal to do that to an 11-year-old with no explanation and now he has the absolute gutting feeling of watching ALL his mates play and being dropped in favour of people who weren’t even making the b team just two short weeks ago. I am so heartbroken for him, I guess I’m venting here to stop myself from contacting the school, which I know would be excessive and stupid and probably wouldn’t help my child in anyway, but how do you deal with seeing your child absolutely broken without a second thought by an adult? I think deciding the next three fixtures in one go like that was particularly cruel. My poor boy sobbed. It would have been easier to deal with had he not been picked for the a team in the first place. Not sure how to help him through this, it’s really made him not even want to go to school tomorrow 😩

I feel for your boy.

DD was in an elite sports team from young until mid teens. First time she got dropped she was devastated, lots of tears. I think she was about 9 or 10. I felt so bad for her. 2nd time loads of disappointment again. After about 4th time she started to bounce back pretty quickly. She is also a sensitive soul.

Those disappointments made her very resilient. She is a young adult now, with a great work ethic, and great at just getting on with it when things don’t go her way. She needs that resilience in the sector she is working.

At the time I felt very sorry for her and was upset that she was upset. (I never contacted the club, no point, it was their decision to make). But I look back now and I see that instead of damaging her it made her stronger.

Best of luck to your boy. I hope it all works out for him, I bet it will.

So, let me just check my understanding. He had a good trial, got picked
for the A team, didn’t play very well and then got injured and missed training? There were then a number of A team fixtures and the PE teacher picked the best players (in his view) who had previously played for the A, B and C team and created a new A team?

I understand it’s upsetting for him, but life is rubbish sometimes and he needs loads of encouragement to be determined to get his place back on the team and be positive about it. He doesn’t need his Mum messaging the PE teacher. Can you imagine how you will feel if the PE teacher tells you that he had a poor game, got injured and others players were better than him?

You definitely need to completely forget about the Premier League scouts. I think this is clouding your judgement. They may have watched him, but he didn’t get picked and therefore wasn’t good enough at the time. Just let him enjoy his football - grassroots and potentially school football and keep everything low key.

I'm sorry your son is suffering this disappointment. It's so hard.

OP - I really feel for your son, and for you too. Nothing hurts more than watching your child sob in disappointment. I can remember feeling the same several years ago when my son faced a similar situation in football.
yes it builds resilience, yes they will move on, we can encourage them to work harder keep going and it can work out - but it still hurts SO much for him and for you, and you wish it didn’t have too.
I hope he can keep playing, keep improving, win back a place on the team and have better times. Good luck and keep encouraging him and building his confidence.

I think I'd encourage him to speak to the coach once he has had the weekend to cool off. Encourage him to explain how much he enjoys playing, and how much he would like to be on the A team, and ask the coach for pointers on how he can improve/what he can work on to get there.
Any decent coach will at least talk it through with him and hopefully give him back some of the confidence he has lost.

I know it is really hard, but do try to let your lad handle it himself.

Even though hes hurt his ankle?
Surely the coach is just being sensible
Personally I would stop all the " my poor boy " stuff and say once his ankle is fully healed he can exercise and do his training, encourage him rather than looking at it negatively
He needs to feel disappointment and work through it to develop resilience

Your son has the time span of the 3 matches to turn this around. Please don't email the school. Your son needs to demonstrate accountability and speak to the coach himself asking in a positive manner "What do I need to do to get back in the team? I really want this."
Then he needs to show up in training and be the best he can be, until the next team selection. If he has a good attitude and good skills he'll get back on the team in a few weeks.
You need to teach DS that his 'value' does not come from his achievement in football. His self esteem needs building so he can see he has much more 'value' as a human being. Big him up. Praise his other qualities- his effort in other areas, his good character and qualities. Help him to see he is much more than a schoolboy footballer.

The same happened to my grandson. Sadly it appeared that the other team members mums were in a clique and friendly with the pe teacher/ coach. Couldn't be proven but I suspect that was a key factor in how the teams were selected . My grandson still plays regularly but for a local club on Saturdays, and goes to training nights. . He's now in under 14s team just not a school.yeam but he is not so bothered about the school team now he plays for a team.in a separate league.

Don’t stress about it. One of mine had similar with school football but was playing for an academy outside. Roll on a couple of years and the PE teachers can’t get enough of him. Sometimes they try and make the teams ‘fair’ and give everyone an equal chance, regardless of ability, but this wears off as soon as there’s a competitive tournament. Your DC will come into his own.

Just try and encourage him not to give up and not to take it personally, try telling him stories about people who triumphed through persistence and effort, its really hard being 11 and if this is the first time hes had to face rejection its even harder for him. Its heartbreaking seeing a DCs distress but try to turn this horrible thing into a positive through resilience. Maybe the coach thought he would try harder stupid but men seen to very quickly forget what its like to be a child.

Again , there has been a few posters arguing that Mummy should speak to the Coach . This is exactly why the label Snowflake is being used . You can not intervene and fix everything for your DC . And sorry 11 is the cusp of teenager not a child . Again delayed childhood being protected by Mummy .
Nothing has happened that I am harsh but I see the evidence of entitled young people thinking that everything and everyone should facilitate their desires. And their pushy demanding parents .

You are not in this category OP . Very glad your son has coped with his initial disapointment in a mature and determined manner. If he is persistent and playing well I hope he gets on the team he wants. And well done for resisting the urge to contact Coach .

Sport is a bit like dance and music, it gets more brutal, the better you get. Football is so competitive as well. My son is very good at sport but he can't cope with the pressure. It is a huge relief that he now just focuses on being fit and sociable when it comes to sport. There was so much pressure and tears before, and now it is just a positive experience. It took a massive shift and his coach was quite mean to him when he quit, but he has no regrets. The meanness just confirmed that it was the right decision.

Its only 3 matches. Id tell him to stick at it, keep going to practise and show good attitude.
If theres only these 3 games to be played then sound like coach is giving few different lads a try no matter if they are A, B or C and putting them in various positions.
Its literally the start of the year too

I agree - encourage your son to ask. I suggested to my nine year old that he should ask his swimming coach what he needed to work on to move up a level - that way it’s not having a strop that you haven’t been moved up, but asking for feedback and showing a willingness to learn. It has the side effect of reminding the coach of his existence and wondering why he left him out. My son got moved up the next week! I was proud of him for being brave enough to approach the coach.

I think it is better to come from him than you, especially at secondary (I know you’ve said you won’t email which I think is right).

What happened to paragraphs........

My DC was football mad and absolutely gutted not to make school team in year 7, most of his friends did. Horrible to watch but he moved on and continued to play in a club out of school. Most of us have to learn things don’t always go our way. I wouldn’t contact school on a sports team issue.

I read Andrea Pirlo's book and he said he was never the best or fastest player in his club when he was young. In fact, other boys made fun of him for being too skinny and small. Well, he showed them all by working harder than everyone else. None of the boys who were allegedly better than him made it 🤷‍♀️

To me it sounds like the coach is trying out different combinations and wanting to give as many boys as possible a chance. I think it's too early to know what he actually thinks of your DS's performance. It may be the coach takes a more inclusive and less competitive approach to the teams.

I would encourage DS to speak to the coach - ask what he can do to improve his game and get on back on the A team. Maybe ask to what extent the A team is competitive.

If it's not super competitive that may be all he needs to understand it's not about his performance. If it is and the coach is not forthcoming or is unhelpful/uninspiring in what he tells DS, then perhaps try and have DS focus on the Saturday team and other outside football. I think the chances of you changing the coaching approach is slim and runs the risk of destroying your DS's enjoyment if if you "won". But the devil's in the details.

In general though, I'd try and encourage him to just show up and show interest. If it's acceptable, to go to the games even though he isn't playing. I would also say that not turning up at practice if he's injured isn't the best look. Go anyway and watch and listen. There's a lot he can learn to improve his game for wherever he does play even if he isn't used in the school matches. 11 is pretty young to cope with that sort of disappointment maturely, but seeing that he can use situations to his advantage, even if he can't get what he wants or deserves, is a lesson that will stand him in good stead throughout his life.

Why are you getting this involved? Let him sort it out by himself. This is why we send them to school, to learn how to manage these situations and build up resilience.

I've done competitive sport. I've also been dropped in favour of people who were objectively worse than me, but fit the team's needs better on that occasion. I've seen it happen to other people too.

Almost without exception the people who asked politely for feedback on how to improve, continued to train their best and continued to show good attitude were eventually picked again.

There were many people too who didn't accept the feedback, or gave up on training for a while because they were too gutted or angry, or felt it was unfair and had a bad attitude. They didn't improve or impress the coaches and in the meantime others WERE improving, so it was even less likely they'd be picked in the future.

Most people on our team are expected to go to training and watch if injured / slightly unwell.

It can be really really hard, especially if you don't understand the decision. I'd really encourage him to ask for feedback, even if by email, and to continue to try his best.

I've also been in on team selection conversations and coaches don't always get it right, especially if the person isn't someone they know well and haven't seen compete a lot. Or there are factors at play that most people are unaware of.

Even as an adult I find team selections very very stressful. But unfortunately it is part of the risk of anything competitive.

Also, would it help him to think about success in terms of things that are in his control? Team selection isn't. But he could say "before the end of these 3 fixtures I want to achieve X skill and Y fitness goal" and view that as success regardless of selection? .

As a fellow year 7 mum I absolutely sympathise, but I think contacting the school is unlikely to do any good. If it was me I'd focus on giving him a lovely weekend and at some point sitting down with snacks and talking over how some of the 'c' team boys may have had the opposite experience to him - they might have had a nightmare at trials and actually been much better players than they appeared. I'd also point out coaches make mistakes and it's going to take at least a term for them to actually understand the kids and who is truly talented. I'd tell him everyone needs a back story of triumph over adversity, and he can tell the story of being dropped in year 7 when he gives his cup winning speech in year 11. Then I'd encourage him to keep turning up to training and putting the work in and gently help him seem the difference between the things in his control and the things he can't control.

I’d email the school and say your son has had a massive knock to his confidence by not being selected for the team and could the PE teacher have a word with him about why. It’s shitty not to provide a bit of pastoral care to 11 year olds around stuff like this. It’s not about not making the team, it’s about zero communication around why and the total lack of acknowledgment that things like this can have a real impact on kids confidence.

I’ve played a lot of team sport, being dropped from the team always comes with an explanation - it’s just basic manners to have a word with the player about why rather than just posting the fixture and them not seeing their name on it!