How to help ds cope with this disappointment

[Irissnow85]

Ds has just started secondary school. Football is his life, he plays at a high standard and is a good solid player. He is never going to be professional- I’m not deluded, but he had a scout from a premiership club actually come and watch him personally twice a few years ago, nothing came of it but I mention that purely to put in context that he does have a good level of ability. For the first match there was an A team, B team and C team. He got put in the A team straightaway after trials for the first match, he did amazing at the trials and was one of the first few names to be taken down. At the match he was sub first, and then got 45 minutes then taken off again, it wasn’t his best but the coach had said well done to him a few times so he didn’t think it went terribly and he hadn’t stropped about being subbed or anything silly like that, his attitude remained good throughout as it should do . Fast forward to a couple of weeks later and the schools football coach has decided the next three fixtures right now, and not included my son in any of them, he has also put some boys that were previously b team on the a team (fair enough) and even some boys who were on the c team onto the a team, this is the part that has completely shattered by boys confidence. He was one of just two who were just dropped from the a team completely for all fixtures. Might have cushioned the blow if there was some b team matches arranged for those who didn’t make a team but theres nothing. It’s so brutal to do that to an 11-year-old with no explanation and now he has the absolute gutting feeling of watching ALL his mates play and being dropped in favour of people who weren’t even making the b team just two short weeks ago. I am so heartbroken for him, I guess I’m venting here to stop myself from contacting the school, which I know would be excessive and stupid and probably wouldn’t help my child in anyway, but how do you deal with seeing your child absolutely broken without a second thought by an adult? I think deciding the next three fixtures in one go like that was particularly cruel. My poor boy sobbed. It would have been easier to deal with had he not been picked for the a team in the first place. Not sure how to help him through this, it’s really made him not even want to go to school tomorrow 😩

There is nothing wrong in asking for feedback about what has happened. And in life standing up for yourself politely is a good idea.

So i was the mum that asked for feedback.

Im SO glad i did.

The response from the coach showed what an absolute pointless and demoralising hobby football can be for some young people.

The response we had which was abysmal allowed us and our son to see that we just did want him to be around that mentality- that sometimes adults dont “always know best” and can have completely alien values.

So our son although SO upset at the time- dropped football and has never looked back. it was literally his life from the age of 5.

He is 18 now. Since leaving he has done kickboxing, boxing, weightlifting and now is loving playing american football.

Sometimes its ok to be “that parent” as the answers you get back can provide context 😊and then an awareness of what your boy needs moving forward.

This will pass OP and your boy will be happy again .

Thank you, sorry your son was so upset and the coach wasn’t helpful. I’m glad to hear it turned out well for him in the end.

It's just the nature of sport. My son plays rugby not football and so it's less subscribed but there were times where he wasn't picked to play and it's disappointing but it builds resilience. You need to encourage his resilience rather than allowing him to wallow. It will do him the world of good in the long run.

Why are trying to make this sound odd or weak? Such an odd attitude to have towards a child. He's 11 years old you mentalist, not 18.

Why on earth would it be inappropriate for the parent of an 11 year old to email the childs coach and ask a question?

I would absolutely have asked, just in case it was an oversight or a standard 'if you miss a training, you sit the next two matches out' type rule. Or in case there was something I needed to deal with, like ds not listening or arguing or whatever. I would want to know if that was the case so I could address it at home too.

It’s not a missing training thing, his friend missed training and was still picked. I’m not going to change the coaches mind and he’s already warned those who haven’t been selected on the notice not to ask to be reserves so he’s basically saying don’t contact me.

I think all he can do is give it another shot and work as hard as he can and if he is still not getting selected after a while then for his own sake it’s probably better to just put the school team out of his mind, as much as it will hurt.

This with bells on.

We have such unhealthy attitudes - parenting can be compassionate and involve advocating for your child and asking difficult questions of others.

If the ankle injury was severe enough to miss training, the coach may have decided to leave him out for three games to rest the injury?

maybe, I really hope so.

@Irissnow85 some coaches are a bit funny if other teams are prioritised. It could be that, ornit genuinely could be that it is early days and they want to swap things around - but also if your DS has been injured, they won’t want him to ay unless he is properly fit. Best if your DS politely asks, saying he wants to know if he can do some things better.

@Lifeissodifficult and @Summer26woohoo Exactly he is 11 and at secondary school. Not a 5 year old . What do you think it achieves for a mummy to get involved in school team selection. ? If he needs to change something , he needs to ask himself not his mummy. What do you think his teammates would think or indeed other parents . ? Sorry , I think this is infantilsing.
It is not OK to question a coach decision. It's respect and not challenging authority Sometimes No is hard to hear . But you need to teach them that your mother can't fix it for you.

Mum, you can of course contact the Coach if you want but I hope you don't.
Ironically, despite the previously mentioned posters disagreeing , more than two are giving me the thumbs up.

Can I ask if the boy's father if he is around , has expressed any opinion? Or any male perspective from the posters urging mum to intervene?

Good god, never question authority.

No wonder some football coaches for children can be dangerous.

🤣 “infantalise” means to treat someone as a child .

Yep an 11 year old is a child.

Im sorry something has happened- or rather there has been an absence of something - in your life to make you quite harsh and rigid .

My kids are very well adjusted and independent having already launched my 2 off into the world. So advocating for my kids, having compassion and “being that mum” ( as some dickheads on mumsnet would say) clearly hasn’t done mine any harm .

Exactly. Thats exactly why i was that parent and challenged the coach. And then pulled my son out.
Sometimes toxic attitudes need calling out.

Id rather be that mum than a nodding dog never questioning the “wisdom” of male football coaches.

PE teachers and football coaches can be totally insane and for some inexplicable reason bench players who everyone can see should be playing. Even at the highest level. It's coach ego usually and there is no sensible explanation quite often.

Speak to the coach. Ask what skills your son should focus on to improve his overall game.
Also ask coach what DS's best attributes are.

If DS concentrates on his best qualities and on improving other areas he might get reselected.
However, he might always be B player. The most important thing is that he is a good team member - he offers encouragement, learns to work with others and listens to his coach. Enjoyment in mastering the game and enjoyment in mixing with other boys occurs what ever level he plays.

I would agree with this. Some coaches at school are fantastic and can have a really positive effect on some children’s confidence. My DS was a competent all-rounder but was well aware that he was not as good as some of the boys in his year so lacked confidence and ambition. He absolutely shone in the second team throughout his senior school career and was captain of both the cricket and rugby seconds every year. He was often moved to the 1sts mid game because they didn’t have subs so if there was an injury the 1st took a 2nd team player who did have subs.

DS was at an independent school where parent pressure on sports staff can be intense. DS was adamant that we didn’t get involved like other parents because the boys were well aware of the children who were only in the 1st team because parents were pressurising staff.

DS loved playing 2nd team where he was a star but also had a lot of fun. Because they took it slightly less seriously and there was much more of a team spirit and less internal competition they were often more successful. They supported and nurtured the weaker and less experienced players which created more respect within the team. And often had the more amenable and enthusiastic rather than ambitious staff coaches. It could be argued that the standard was lower but pitted against similar ability they were successful. The pressure to win from within the team can result in a blame culture at schoolboy level and be very destructive within a team.

Many of his 1st team rugby and cricket friends stopped playing as soon as they left school whereas DS has continued successfully at adult level because he still loves the sport.

I think that if your DS is enjoying football outside of school then encourage him to concentrate on that rather than navigate the often cliquey nature of schools sports. It will hopefully build a bit of resilience. In addition if his peers respect his ability they will be his best advocate with the coaches. It’s very early days and he’s probably still making an impression at school. It can also be a bit of a double edged sword excelling in a sport because it can be difficult fitting into a very average team.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks later and the schools football coach has decided the next three fixtures right now, and not included my son in any of them, he has also put some boys that were previously b team on the a team (fair enough) and even some boys who were on the c team onto the a team, this is the part that has completely shattered by boy's confidence. He was one of just two who were just dropped from the a team completely for all fixtures. Might have cushioned the blow if there was some b team matches arranged for those who didn’t make a team but there's nothing. It’s so brutal to do that to an 11-year-old with no explanation
Does you really want your DS having such a poor coach? A good coach would explain why he was dropping someone, would tell them what to do to get back in the team, give them a little pick-me-up speech.
If you had a DD who was being messed about by a boy who couldn't chose between her and another, would you tell her to do the Pick Me Dance?

I am so heartbroken for him, I guess I’m venting here to stop myself from contacting the school, which I know would be excessive and stupid and probably wouldn’t help my child in anyway, but how do you deal with seeing your child absolutely broken without a second thought by an adult?
Part of the problem is the Bro code which says that he mustn't ask for his place on the team and his mum must definitely not get involved. It leaves you impotent, which makes it worse. All you can do is either help him to help himself or somehow get his mates to put in a good word.
I repeat my comment about the teacher. They are not all paragons of virtue, some are power-mad despots. Referees deserve automatic respect (by virtue of their position) but not coaches. DS should try to speak to the coach, to find out what will get him back on the A team, but if it doesn't work then suggest that DS concentrates on the team who do appreciate him, namely his club.

Going to Secondary school can be brutal. Many DC find, after being top in Primary, that they are merely a good-average at Secondary. Then those who were top at Secondary are merely a good-average at University. And so on. It's the nature of the beast. We know it, but I don't know how you explain it to an 11 year old. I suppose that they just have to experience it first-hand.
It's part of learning to judge yourself against your best, not other peoples' best. Concentrate on what you can do, not on what you can't do. Concentrate on what you can do and do it to your best ability; nobody can ask any more of you.

Hope you are both feeling a little less raw this morning.

Thanks, he went in to school in a relatively good mood this morning thank goodness. He is determined to try and win his spot back so I am proud of his attitude and just hoping today is a good day and he doesn’t get upset when he sees his friends, and that his determination will be rewarded.

I am proud of his attitude and just hoping today is a good day and he doesn’t get upset when he sees his friends, and that his determination will be rewarded.
It's such a difficult balancing act, isn't it. Trying to do your best is good. But ending up with your self-worth and happiness being dependent on somebody else's decision / whim is not so good.
I'm so glad I'm not an adolescent!

Yes it’s really tough especially at the start of a big change like secondary school.

I'm not warming to the coach, tbh. But maybe they are just extremely busy atm and not v good at communicating. Please update if you can, OP.
Good luck to you and ds and nb this too shall pass!

Another persepctive: who are the next games against? Is it possible that DS's school has been asked to put mixed ability teams out to make it a competitive game if they have a lot of boys playing at a high level and the other schools don't. This is not uncommon because no-one benefits from a 10-0 scoreline.

I appreciate you are trying to respect your son’s wishes but if you want to show him how to grow from this then you need to take the lead here.

Whether this is by discussing how to frame a feedback request as pps have suggested or something else, this is a chance to teach resilience, rather than hoping it will occur, and equipping him with the tools to do this.

He has emotional involvement and inexperience to contend with. You are older, are more emotionally removed and also the adult experience to rationalise that there could be many other vg reasons the coach has not selected him.