How to help ds cope with this disappointment

[Irissnow85]

Ds has just started secondary school. Football is his life, he plays at a high standard and is a good solid player. He is never going to be professional- I’m not deluded, but he had a scout from a premiership club actually come and watch him personally twice a few years ago, nothing came of it but I mention that purely to put in context that he does have a good level of ability. For the first match there was an A team, B team and C team. He got put in the A team straightaway after trials for the first match, he did amazing at the trials and was one of the first few names to be taken down. At the match he was sub first, and then got 45 minutes then taken off again, it wasn’t his best but the coach had said well done to him a few times so he didn’t think it went terribly and he hadn’t stropped about being subbed or anything silly like that, his attitude remained good throughout as it should do . Fast forward to a couple of weeks later and the schools football coach has decided the next three fixtures right now, and not included my son in any of them, he has also put some boys that were previously b team on the a team (fair enough) and even some boys who were on the c team onto the a team, this is the part that has completely shattered by boys confidence. He was one of just two who were just dropped from the a team completely for all fixtures. Might have cushioned the blow if there was some b team matches arranged for those who didn’t make a team but theres nothing. It’s so brutal to do that to an 11-year-old with no explanation and now he has the absolute gutting feeling of watching ALL his mates play and being dropped in favour of people who weren’t even making the b team just two short weeks ago. I am so heartbroken for him, I guess I’m venting here to stop myself from contacting the school, which I know would be excessive and stupid and probably wouldn’t help my child in anyway, but how do you deal with seeing your child absolutely broken without a second thought by an adult? I think deciding the next three fixtures in one go like that was particularly cruel. My poor boy sobbed. It would have been easier to deal with had he not been picked for the a team in the first place. Not sure how to help him through this, it’s really made him not even want to go to school tomorrow 😩

I would ask the coach to explain. I had similar when my son was not picked for the chess club. It didn’t make any sense. My son was so hurt. I spoke to the teacher involved and the teacher had a really weak reason - something to do with SAT scores. But he was not at school on the SAT test day so had no score!
it got sorted out.

That's true, but phrasing it about getting the place back is constructive and shows motivation to change things if there was an issue.

Asking what did I do wrong sets it up more defensively and means the teacher has to phrase the feedback in a more negative way, which is likely to cause more distress, even if it's the same thing phrased differently.

So (as an example) "Your passing accuracy was bad and you gave away the ball a few times in the second half" (negative) becomes "I'd really like to see you working on maintaining passing accuracy, especially as you start to get fatigued. Here are some drills we can try in training next week." (Positive and motivating).

The feedback might also be about:

• resting the injury and then getting back on the squad in a few games time
• rotating multiple players in certain positions

They might also (unlikely but a possibility) say something unpleasant and manipulative about him not being committed to the team (because of other sports), or that there was something a bit off but he can't say what, or that your DS shouldn't ask and needs to get with the program.

In which case you learn that it's a problem with the coach being a jerk, which is better to know sooner rather than later!

But you still don’t know why your son was initially on the a team and is not out for the next three games.

Are there any other parents you can ask about the ‘system’?

I watch a lot of football, it might be that the coach wants to play a certain style and your son doesn't suit this, it could be that in the position he plays there are players better than him, it could be that the coach simply hasn't got a clue what he's doing but fancies himself as Jose Mourinho! This happens from grassroots to international level. Encourage him to keep working hard and his time will come.

Definitely contact the school. I wish I had done more for my football obsessed son who never had an opportunity. We have to fight for our kids because unfortunately the louder parents have more success.

In my experience the standard of school football is extremely poor, at least where I live. If he really wants to play for the school team, tell him to keep going to training. If the school team don't get the results they need, the coach will soon come running. Focus on his grassroots team. Football is all about opinions and sometimes the people with the opinions get it very wrong.

I’d sign him up for a local club team. A friend’s son was a great footballer but the school coach never saw it & he was never picked for the team - there was only 1. He found it heartbreaking. But he was the main striker for a his local club team and scored almost every week, usually more than once. Keep going at school, but don’t let this be his only football team.

Check the coach doesn’t have a issue with him or it could be his level is just not as high as others

Sorry, just read more & can see that he is playing for a club. But I echo what others have said about a coaches opinion. They’re not always right.

If some of the c boys (or the b boys) don’t show a team ability during those matches he may get a chance to play again. I would encourage him to ask the coach where he fell short so he can work on that.

Sounds like the coach is just having a bit of an early season sort out. Just checking for any potential players from the b and c teams that could be a team with improvement. He also is probably aware of your son's injury and could be thinking it's a good rest time for him. Things will probably change after the 3 weeks are up
He may not need your son to play right now as he is confident of his abilities already.

My DS played to a very high standard (was scouted for the local academy) but wasn’t picked for the A team at school for his first few years there. We have no idea why but we just told him this was the harsh reality of football. He played for the academy, the local Sunday team and school. He was dropped from the academy at 14, and then started playing for the school first team the following year. He’s now 19 and gave up footie last year saying he was too old 😂. You sound like you are struggling to accept this and your son may pick up on this. Deep breath, it’s not that deep in the grand scheme of things.

Is it possible he was taken out for a few matches due to his injury? Maybe they thought he needed time to recover.

I’d encourage him to ask for feedback from the coach, ie what areas does he need to work on, how could he improve etc? That way he shows that he’s being mature about it and is still committed.

Dealing with disappointment is hard to watch as a parent but it is a valuable life skill. Learning to navigate this now will help him later in life.

I think this is a good post. I would also strongly advocate that your son speak for himself if possible rather than you email. You can coach him in how to broach it well but it's a great opportunity for a lesson in self advocacy.

I haven't rtft but recommend reading some of the books written about footballers when they were kids. Harry Kane being a good one. He was chucked out of junior squad for not being good enough. He could have quit but he used it as motivation to work harder than ever.

I'd also listen too your son but remind him it's just three games out of hundreds, he's still playing for his other teams, try to get him and yourself to have a reasonable sense of perspective.

Very sound advice x

I'd be encouraging him to think of the school team as a secondary thing to his out of school team. As I understand it (I know a couple of families in your position) school teams have other considerations than fielding the best team and focussing on winning.

I sympathise as my son had these disappointments at school and his club too over the years. It may be more about trying other players out or certain players working better together. I would encourage your son to speak to the teacher and ask what he can work on to improve and get back onto the team. Tjat will come across well and his attitude would impress the coach. By his age it doesn't really come across well if his mum intervenes and he needs to develop his resilience and communication skills. My husband is a coach & I know he'd prefer a child to discuss it with him than a parent.

My friends son was in a top cpubs academy. At the age of 16 just before his gcses he was dropped. My friend took a strip off the famous coach. The son did his gcses, a levels, went to uni and has a good job. He still plays football, its a passion. You need to teach your ds the same. But remember Ian Wright wasnt scouted until his 20's so your DS should keep up his football, keep learning new skills but build a career separately too.

So sorry for your son but unfortunately this is sport at school and club level - unfair, biased, discriminatory - lots of things other than ability at play and there is nothing you can do about it! And I know from experience so you just have roll with it and try and help your kids get through it without letting it affect them too much - it is usually actually nothing to do with their ability or them but something else at play!

All children of his age who play sport hope that perhaps they'll be picked for higher honours. Just because he didn't get picked doesn't mean he's not as good as the others who are now in the A team. As someone who has come from a long line of professional and amatuer sports people (I'm useless at sports but have a lot of experience organising it), I can confirm that many of them faced rejection at junior level, its not a reflection on your son, more so on those doing the picking. Any pushy parents around? In my own experience of this coaches at junior level tend to cave in to pressure from parents who unlike you don't have a balanced view of their child's abilities. Having run a successful junior football team with my husband, I know that some parents are convinced their child is the next Messi. It's not your son's fault, dissapointment is natural. Tell him to enjoy himself with his friens, schools football, rugby etc., is full of pushy parents and coaches looking for an easy life. Most of those picked for the team may not progress, won't get trials for professional clubs however good they are. This is a horrible experience for him but unfortunately, it may be the first of many if he continues with representative football, so he needs to be prepared.

Your son plays outside school well and has invested parents. The coach is lightly giving a chance to children who possibly don’t have this opportunity who would also love it and get a lot out of it.

Sorry but cynical - I don't think they think like that! Why would you not play your best team because they want to win!

Being in a school football team could be transformational for a young person who has not had the best start in life or lives in difficult circumstances. You could say that's more important than winning.

And this sums up what’s wrong with kids these days …… and parents 🙄 it’s for a small period of time where 45+ kids tried out for the teams ….. get a grip ffs it will do him good longer term

Both my grandsons went to trials for a school academy team.The level of corruption was disgusting. Kids who hadn't even done the trials were given places and one of the best players who actually played for an academy named the team before anyone was notified.Its heartbreaking watch the kids put their heart and soul into it and then not even be recognised for their efforts.Its win at all costs even if it does upset the kids.Disgusting really.