How to help ds cope with this disappointment

[Irissnow85]

Ds has just started secondary school. Football is his life, he plays at a high standard and is a good solid player. He is never going to be professional- I’m not deluded, but he had a scout from a premiership club actually come and watch him personally twice a few years ago, nothing came of it but I mention that purely to put in context that he does have a good level of ability. For the first match there was an A team, B team and C team. He got put in the A team straightaway after trials for the first match, he did amazing at the trials and was one of the first few names to be taken down. At the match he was sub first, and then got 45 minutes then taken off again, it wasn’t his best but the coach had said well done to him a few times so he didn’t think it went terribly and he hadn’t stropped about being subbed or anything silly like that, his attitude remained good throughout as it should do . Fast forward to a couple of weeks later and the schools football coach has decided the next three fixtures right now, and not included my son in any of them, he has also put some boys that were previously b team on the a team (fair enough) and even some boys who were on the c team onto the a team, this is the part that has completely shattered by boys confidence. He was one of just two who were just dropped from the a team completely for all fixtures. Might have cushioned the blow if there was some b team matches arranged for those who didn’t make a team but theres nothing. It’s so brutal to do that to an 11-year-old with no explanation and now he has the absolute gutting feeling of watching ALL his mates play and being dropped in favour of people who weren’t even making the b team just two short weeks ago. I am so heartbroken for him, I guess I’m venting here to stop myself from contacting the school, which I know would be excessive and stupid and probably wouldn’t help my child in anyway, but how do you deal with seeing your child absolutely broken without a second thought by an adult? I think deciding the next three fixtures in one go like that was particularly cruel. My poor boy sobbed. It would have been easier to deal with had he not been picked for the a team in the first place. Not sure how to help him through this, it’s really made him not even want to go to school tomorrow 😩

Have you considered that the decision may be nothing to do with your son, but to do with other players? My daughter is not good at sports. Her teacher noticed she was losing confidence and enthusiasm in PE so chose her to play in one friendly match against another school. It boosted her confidence no end. The coach may well be doing that for other kids.

Personally, I’d use this as a way to teach my child to feel able to speak. It is right that he has asked you not to ask, but you should be building up his confidence to ask. Suggest he ask not only why, but also what the coach thinks he needs to do to be picked next time. It’s a great opportunity to build your son’s confidence in speaking up.

No it’s all county cup and district games, it’s competitive and the school wouldn’t be doing anyone any favours like that. For whatever reason he has decided not to include my son, be it that he didn’t impress him in the first match, he is worried about his ankle or simply because my son is very shy and avoids eye contact with people he doesn’t know well, he won’t be one of the boys trying to strike up a rapport with this coach.

I would love it if he did this, sadly he is very shy.

In which case this is a great chance to help him work on that and help build his confidence.

This is a school team for 11 year olds. I think maybe the coach is taking the view that everyone who wants to have a go, should get the chance to play, even if they aren't the best. School teams aren't always about winning but about fun and opportunity to join in.
The coach could be looking at your son, who already plays for a team outside of school and already represents the school for another sport and thinks it's fair to share the opportunities to other kids.

I would encourage your son to focus on something other than the school football team - go for the enjoyment and the fitness but focus on his other team and see the fairness in a school 'Sharing the wealth'

it would be easier to take if it really was sharing the wealth but it’s not, he’s only cut two of the original a team, my son and another boy from the next three fixtures. If he were sharing the wealth he would have let them both play at least one and cut two of the other originals for one or two of the other games. Look I’ve got to accept he’s made a decision for whatever reason he has, but fairness to other boys is not the reason otherwise the cull would be more evenly distributed. If it’s about fairness to other boys then he is being incredibly unfair to my boy and one other.

Really great advice.

the coach also knows nothing about my son or what he does outside of school. He has
met him three times.

That’s PE teachers for you. I bet if you dig about there’ll be a link to the teacher and the other boys somewhere that you’re not aware of.
In my experience from when mine were at school PE teachers are the worst for having pets. I’d try to get him into something outside school. If he’s as good as you say he is, they’ll welcome him with open arms. The PE teacher is a twit.

I'm no sports expert, but football is a team sport and sometimes coaches have to try out different combinations of players to get the best team.

Please do not email and be that parent. If your son wants to participate in sport like this, then he needs to take the knocks or speak to the coach himself to see what's going on and what he can do to make the team.

He already does football outside of school, he is a valued member of a lovely team which is great and he enjoys it immensely, this does not stop his ideal of wanting to be in the school team though, he has looked forward to it for years and thought he was there and now the rug has been pulled out from under his feet. When they’re little they think they’ll be a professional footballer one day, then they slowly learn that isn’t going to happen, as I said my son even had a scout come to watch him professionally, so he even had more reason than a lot of boys to believe that was a slight possibility for him, he soon got to realise that wasn’t going to happen, but I guess experiences like that made him think he was in with a good shot of being a mainstay in a bog standard secondary school team. At the trial he recorded 15 goals and 11 assists across the three mini matches they did in the session, his name was practically the first one they put down, and they only took about four names that session. Despite this, the coach still didn’t start him that very first game, does he not like him for some reason- I don’t know? I’m not going to reinforce that idea in my boys head.

And before anyone wonders if he is an arsehole who is naughty and disruptive or mean, he won awards for his kindness in primary school and his record at secondary school is perfect so far.

The rug hasn’t been pulled out from under his feet!

He’s not been there a month yet! How many other kids are there?

Give them chance to get to know him, if he’s as great as you say he is it’ll all work out. If he gives up straight away then it definitely won’t.

Unfortunately this is just secondary school. No its not fair. Staff get things wrong all the time. He will get in trouble for things he didn't do and they will get him confused with other kids. Some kids will get zero support and a really bad experience and some will just be lucky, have the same staff all the way through who get to know them. Kids can have a vastly different experience even within the same school. Its just crowd control. If this is the biggest problem he has in year 7 is this then he has got off very lightly.

Having said that - its horrible when that reality smashes into the world of a child who has been thinking for a long time than secondary will be amazing and offer them lots of opportunities like playing for the football team. So - can he keep going to training if they run a training session? They probably won't play that many matches in the year but he could still get added to the team if there are injuries, illness etc. My son's only appearance for the school football team was as a last minute replacement due to an injury.

Despite this, the coach still didn’t start him that very first game, does he not like him for some reason

No he doesn't not like him! He has, by your own account, enough boys who are interested in playing to make up three teams, but for whatever reason only fixtures for one team. Of course he is going to try out different players and different combinations, especially at this stage of the year when he is still getting to know them.

Your son missed a training session - was anything said then about team selection?

No, team selection was at the last training that he was at. My son was put on a team in training with a large amount of boys who don’t play football and don’t know the rules. He tried his best, we had hoped it wouldn’t strip out everything he had done in the first training session where he was selected for the a team, clearly it did.

His friend missed the same training session as my son and was still picked. My son only missed the training session because he got injured representing the school for something else, which incidentally he hasn’t even wanted to do but he was asked and at that point his sense of duty and school spirit made him think it was the right thing to do.

I get that your son is shy and will find it hard to ask what happened, but could you try and support him to do that.

Just to say something like "Mr Smith, I would really like to play on the school team. What do I need to work on to get a place?"

It would be a big deal for a shy child yes (I was one too) but he might end up getting some useful information and might feel proud of himself for asking?

It’s not really what can I do to get on though- he was on- it’s more what did I do to be dropped?

You need to manage expectations, both yours and those of your son, and widen horizons. It sounds as though he is putting far too much importance on this, and needs to build self esteem in a number of areas, not just football. Teach him resilience- it's the most important lesson most of us learn.

The coach might know more about your son than you realise - kids and teachers talk. He will know that your son represents the school in another field, due to his injury. And he might know people who are involved with your son's other team. I guess I'm saying not to assume it's personal or permanent just yet. Do you think there's a possibility of the coach thinking your son might not be as committed to the school team if he has another team? Or that there might be clashes?

If your son continues to attend all the training, it might all still work itself out. If it doesn't within the next few weeks, then it is worth him having a mature conversation with the coach and go from there.

Jesus, I'd look at this as an exercise in managing expectations. He just expected to make the team - he's 11 and had a rude awakening. You on the other hand, are a grown adult. The more you post, the more entitled and ridiculous you sound.

Thank you.

My son was put on a team in training with a large amount of boys who don’t play football and don’t know the rules.

The coach knows your son's capabilities as a player. Maybe he wants him to develop other skills. Maybe he wanted him there to show the other players what's required, or to see if he showed any skill at leadership or organisation.

Maybe, it was a training team just for that training session that day only and from that the coach has decided the next three actual games. But anyway I’ve got to stop answering every comment and try and put it to bed mentally now. Thank you so much to everyone who was so nice and constructive, some of your comments and sentiments were very helpful and gave me some positive ways to look at this.