How to help ds cope with this disappointment

[Irissnow85]

Ds has just started secondary school. Football is his life, he plays at a high standard and is a good solid player. He is never going to be professional- I’m not deluded, but he had a scout from a premiership club actually come and watch him personally twice a few years ago, nothing came of it but I mention that purely to put in context that he does have a good level of ability. For the first match there was an A team, B team and C team. He got put in the A team straightaway after trials for the first match, he did amazing at the trials and was one of the first few names to be taken down. At the match he was sub first, and then got 45 minutes then taken off again, it wasn’t his best but the coach had said well done to him a few times so he didn’t think it went terribly and he hadn’t stropped about being subbed or anything silly like that, his attitude remained good throughout as it should do . Fast forward to a couple of weeks later and the schools football coach has decided the next three fixtures right now, and not included my son in any of them, he has also put some boys that were previously b team on the a team (fair enough) and even some boys who were on the c team onto the a team, this is the part that has completely shattered by boys confidence. He was one of just two who were just dropped from the a team completely for all fixtures. Might have cushioned the blow if there was some b team matches arranged for those who didn’t make a team but theres nothing. It’s so brutal to do that to an 11-year-old with no explanation and now he has the absolute gutting feeling of watching ALL his mates play and being dropped in favour of people who weren’t even making the b team just two short weeks ago. I am so heartbroken for him, I guess I’m venting here to stop myself from contacting the school, which I know would be excessive and stupid and probably wouldn’t help my child in anyway, but how do you deal with seeing your child absolutely broken without a second thought by an adult? I think deciding the next three fixtures in one go like that was particularly cruel. My poor boy sobbed. It would have been easier to deal with had he not been picked for the a team in the first place. Not sure how to help him through this, it’s really made him not even want to go to school tomorrow 😩

This is what I’m worried about, he lives for football and this has really destroyed him, he is a very sensitive boy, I’m really concerned that this will tarnish all football for him. Of course it shouldn’t, but it’s not easy to get a completely devastated 11-year-old to see that.

Why would not playing a couple of games for his school tarnish his love of the game or his weekend football?

League football is like playing for a club and school football for England. Some of the best England players don’t make the team. They are outstanding players for their clubs.

Some perspective here may help him.

getting on the school team means everything to him
Why?
That was my point: is it a prize worth winning, or is it just his pride that is hurt?

It’s both to him, he’s 11.

Can you imagine if a boy's mummy gets involved with a coach of a school team like this ?? Why are people saying it's OK for her to email , etc. Very disappointing for your lad . But he is not entitled to a place . The coach has his reasons and should not be questioned. If he is to continue in football he needs to accept that . He has a lot worse disappointments in his life to come . From teams , to girlfriends , to jobs .. You need to help him have resilience, put things in prospective , develop mature attitudes to situations. I know the instinct is to protect our DCs but please not at all costs .

As you said yourself, your child plays internationally, for his school year and the school year up, so I guess you and he don’t know the crushing disappointment my 11-year-old child is currently feeling, or the gut punch it is for me to watch him sob his heart out at being the only one of his friends to be excluded from the a team when he thought he was on it. But thanks for your input.

Yeah I really do and your desire to be angry with me just because my son has been successful in the end maybe means you are taking this a bit hard.

You know nothing about his disappointment, what he has been through, how hard it was etc.

Yeah he has sobbed his heart out. Yeah he has been left out. Yeah it has been really hard at times. He is where he is because in the darkest of times he learned to pick himself up.

Don’t deflect your anger to me.

What a bundle of joy you are!

@Itsbeenalongtimeincoming but you were showing off a bit. Your own ds's success story is awesome, but now is not the time.

I am taking hard yes, that’s literally why I’ve come on here. I’m not going to make a fuss to the school, I’m not going to rant to my friends, I guess I was seeking some kind words from people and some genuine advice that comes from a good place. I’m speaking from a place of hurt, nothing in this world hurts more than seeing your child hurt, and as trivial as it may seem to those who haven’t experienced similar- football is all that matters to him and sadly he bases a large part of his self worth on sport as he isn’t particularly academic- so this has really sucker punched him and he is completely entitled to feel that way. You’re right - I don’t know anything about you other than your sons success at football, I’m sure he has had disappointments in his life and no doubt will again, and I hope that if you reach out for people for constructive words of advice- that you get it.

Ah I feel so sorry for your DS. This sort of thing can build resilience although of course he won't understand that at his age. Can you encourage him to focus on his club football and playing for the love of it for the time being? The Coach's decision does seem odd - reiterate that to him. Maybe he is just trying to give some other kids a chance, who knows? If your son keeps showing up to training and working hard i would expect to see him in the team again, if not, then an email to the Coach might be helpful.

I remember being put on the netball team in Yr 7. I didn't know that I had to check the PE notice board for dates of training so I missed a session and was dropped from the team. I never went back to it which was a shame.

Can you encourage your son to use this as an opportunity to show the Coach that he made the wrong decision? Eg turn up to training and blow him away with his commitment and skill? Turn his pain into power, adopt a growth mindset around it?

Thank you, I’ve urged him to give it till Christmas at least before making any rash decision not to go to the school training anymore, I’m really hopeful that he will do this and also praying that none of his friends that have been picked make him feel bad about it tomorrow, that would really hurt him and they can be so brutal at this age.

Can he work up the courage to ask the coach why? By email if not in person.

I think knowing the reason would help.

@Irissnow85aanyone who is mean to him about it is not his friend- I would be making that clear to him too

the fact that there is no b team or c team for the next three fixtures has also added to devastation because representing the school has been taken away entirely. I have an older child at the school so I know they don’t often do b and c team fixture anyway.

But your child has represented the school. Now others are getting a chance which they otherwise might never have, if as you say they rarely have fixtures for the b and c teams.

Please dont worry, its all up and down at the moment, they have only been at school a couple of week. The coach is probably trying to rotate people and see what works, and also, he may just be picking boys he sees in the corridor and thinks oh I’ll give them a go, or their parent emailed asking for them to be given a chance, or the boys asked him. He could be massively over stressed and just picking almost randomly! You’ll never know, but try and keep it breezy with your son and tell him to just keep going to training and he will get some game time at some point.
There’s also no harm in DS asking the teacher what he should be working on. Shows commitment and initiative and the teacher will probably be impressed.

My DS also had football as his joy, passion, social life, self esteem. He captained the A team at school, played at a reasonable club level. At 13 he ruptured his ACL. Six months waiting for surgery and a year recovery before he could even think about properly playing again. It’s been devastating but he’s discovered the gym, made other friends. He’s had no choice and he’s so resilient now. Don’t let your son give up.

That wasn’t my intention. The point was missed entirely, but I’ll take your feedback:

I would be very confused if my son was told he was on a team and then told he wasn’t playing. I would probably email and say you’ve noticed he isn’t playing in the next 3 games with the rest of his team. You aren’t sure if DS has let school know that his ankle injury is fully healed now and he has the go ahead to play sports again. You could say that DS is concerned he won’t get to play again but you assume he will as school informed him he was on the A team- can school clarify if you’re giving him the correct information? Thanks

it could be school are not wanting him to play without parental confirmation that he is medically fit to play after the running injury

And I gave constructive advise and you aren’t ready to hear it which is fine. My point was Ive been there and lived it for a long long time:

No doubt there will be ups and downs for your son too. Unfortunately thats the way it goes.

It isn’t trivial at all. I know how important football can be. But your son is more that football (you already know that) and his self worth is more than being chosen for a team (you already know that too). That’s the part to
focus on.

As I previously said these are PE teachers not professional coaches and they can get it wrong. Your son was injured and missed practise so they are letting other kids play - this has nothing to do with his ability. If he works hard it will shine though.

Good luck to him.

I’m clinging on to the fact it may be confusion about his ankle. Sadly I don’t think it is, he was at training tonight so the coach could see him running around. He was on A team for the first fixture, the coach said that squads are changeable, it’s the fact that he’s set out the next three fixtures that was the worst bit of it all.

I'd email. Just to ask how the system works, so that you can manage your DS's expectations. If there's a rule like "miss training for any reason, not in the team for the next two matches", then it's pretty simple for your DS to understand why he wasn't picked and he can just move on. But not knowing the reason/system is the issue, rather than being left out.

I don’t see why the coach (?) can’t be asked. It seems odd from what you say and your ds could do with some guidance as to what happened.

I actually think it’s hard to give the right advice without knowing the actual reason.

Seems odd to drop him completely after one game for no reason.

You or your son need to ask directly.

Then you can help him process and cope.

Could be the injury. Could be the missed practice. Could be an oversight. Could be a system where they swap in and out for certain positions.

Thank you. I am feeling extremely emotional on his behalf and in momma bear mode, I felt like you were saying he needed to get over it and I wasn’t in the mood to hear that. You are right, he is so much more than just football and I have told him how proud we are of him no matter what and how much we love him. I’ve also told him not to give up and hopefully he will rally.

Thanks to all those saying email, makes me feel like I’m not crazy which is well needed 😂

He’s asked me not to and I’m going to respect that, it’s his journey and not mine plus I can’t see the coach taking kindly to it.

I’m hoping he will fight to get his place back, and I don’t want him to feel like I’ve influenced that in anyway, I also want him to learn from this experience and pick himself up and dust himself off and keep going. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t solve it with a click of my fingers if i could though 😂

If there is a b team game arranged in future and he is left out of that too though then i will email.