Would you take a neighbour's child to school every day?

[MintyElephant]

A neighbour, who I don’t talk too, other than the odd hello if we see each other, asked me if I could take her child to and from school every day as she’s struggling too because of her work - her child goes to same school as mine. She’s effectively asking a stranger to chaffeur her child around, what is everyone’s thoughts on this? Yes I’m going there anyway, I can’t do everyday as I don’t do everyday anyway. What would you say if someone you didn’t actually know ask you this? Would you do it?

No. Mornings are busy enough in our house with us both working full time and with 2 children. Our work set up e.g. hours, locations etc are arranged so we can cover all pick ups and drops off (including a 130pm finish every Friday). She needs to do similar with the child’s dad and not push it onto the nearest passing female

To be fair, most of England has gone to shit at this point, it's not just the south.

I am guessing this poster is from warmer climes with stronger communities, where smiling and offering help is still considered normal rather than suspicious.

English people are sometimes very closed-off, unwilling to chat or get to know neighbours and seem to resent helping others. Then they wonder why they're on the wine by 6pm and their kids are lonely phone-obsessed neurotic headcases.

I did this for a few months when my neighbour was unwell. It was ok but it did significantly add to the morning stress and I wouldn’t have made it a permanent arrangement.

However we have successfully lift shared, and that worked well as it was balanced and we both benefited. Could you suggest a trial of a balanced lift share to see if that could work?

I would honestly say 'sorry not to be able to help, but mornings are very stressful already and the added worry about things going wrong - for example lateness/illness - will be too much. Most importantly this is the time that I give my own child my full attention and we talk about any worries she has - she won't do that with an unknown child there.'

This might sound horrible but I don’t think we would become friends as we seem to be two very different people and I could tell from our conversation, she is not someone I would be friends with.

Why have they moved their kid to a school they can’t get them to/home from?!

I would say no, I’m not looking for that kind of commitment, I’m not a childminder.

Imagine if your child was ill and not going to school-they’d probably expect you to take theirs anyway (and put you don’t as the local emergency contact if theirs was ill!)

I personally couldn't imagine saying no when literally all I am doing is letting him sit in the car on a drive I am doing anyway, but I would offer a trial period...say "we can try It do the rest of this half-term as long he is on time and it doesn't end up awkward between the kids, and as long as you understand that if for any reason my daughter isn't in school, you will need to make other arrangements.

My neighbour and I shared lifts for a few years. It was okay but we were careful to make sure it was equal. If anyone was ill or running late then the other parent was responsible for getting their own child there. Even though it was ok I was glad when they moved and i could stop doing it - I missed the chance for a chat in the car with my own child.

Everyday, no. In an emergency, of course.

I think the problem is the commitment. So if you woke up in the night realising you had to nip somewhere before drop off, you could just do that as part of your morning just by moving everything earlier. Whet would happen if you then let her know on they morning and either she

But it’s more than that. Chances are that the neighbour will have to go to op’s house early if mum has to get to work. Ok if neighbours will sit quietly, not if he wants to play, wants a drink etc.

plus op will then have three kids she’ll have to get in a car. What’s he kicks up?

Car conversation will not be the same.

Mum has already asked for lifts after school as well. Who’s going to be at home to look after the child ? Will she expect op to babysit him, and what if mummy’s delayed at work, stuck in traffic, decides to go and get a birthday present? What if Op needs to drop dc at Brownies?

There are probably people who make a living offering this service and who would collect and drop her kid. She needs to search online and ask around at school gates.

Say No, save yourself and your child the hassle in the mornings, of texting feeling bad if you cant make it, waiting on the person to arrive before you can leave.
Enjoy the the car chats together.

Proceed with caution is my advice, as hard as it might be to say no now, it will be much harder to get out of it if it doesn’t work for you.

I did it for a while and it became so inconvenient and it eventually just put me in a bad mood, it just added a whole other unnecessary stress. Always having to remember to message if we were running late, not going to school etc. I did have to drive about 8 minutes the opposite direction, not much but it added around 20 minutes to the commute, so we had to leave earlier than we would normally and got home a bit later. I also found the car chit chat dried up.

The worst part was trying to find an excuse to extricate myself from the arrangement, I felt so guilty about the kid, worried she would think it was something wrong with her. As it turned out I had an injury which meant I couldn’t drive and had to hire a friend for 6 weeks to drive them,I told her this and suggested the driver could pick up her kid too and we would share the cost and she refused on the basis she didn’t want her kid in a car with someone she didn’t know personally, which is fair enough. Once I started driving again, I never offered to re start and she never asked.

@MintyElephant From a safeguarding position i would not go near this ! Don’t get involved !

I did this to help a mum out, who I didn't know very well but knew she struggled, I never asked for a penny, but then she started asking if I could help out in school holidays etc. I had to say no eventually, then she won the euro millions and ignored me and others!
Lesson learnt

On paper it all seems easy and why not. I did this to help someone out which was meant to be once or twice a month, here or there. Ended up being everyday. I was working too and was a real stretch for me to maintain, then saw they were wfh and never an offer to help and a couple of times they’d popped out and I was stuck on the street with 4 bored little ones. Plus children became difficult and bored of coming with me. At some point someone take the p^ss.

I would suggest a no, or a trial period and make it clear if it becomes tricky you will end it.

It depends on the child. I would do it in an emergency but not as a permanent arrangement.

I agreed to do this twice in my life. I am tougher now.
One child was never ready. He was a sweet kid but would be eating cereal in his pants when we arrived at the door.
He made us late every day and drove my kids mad.

A little girl who only had to walk a short way with us, across a park. She was so slow. She obviously had never walked anywhere. She could hardly put one foot in front of the other.
She made us late too.

So not unless the child is punctual and well-behaved, and your child likes them.

Schools should enforce car shares anyway. The school run wreaks havoc on the roads.

How far away from the school are you? Could the kids walk together?

I got roped into this kind of set up twice

the first few times things are great and not a big deal. Then stuff creeps in, like the kids have different start times, or one is on a school trip, or your own child is sick but now you are still responsible for taking the other child to school etc

we also ended up late (maybe once a week or so) which stressed my DS out as he got detention/told off for it too, neighbour said it was good for my child to learn to chill out a bit 😅

anyway, in both cases it added more stress to my life, complicated things, and I felt used, and in the end they were cross with me anyway when I stopped doing it (in one case after a full year, yes I am an idiot) because as soon as you no longer are convenient the true colours show

maybe it will be different for you, but yeah I got burned twice by being nice and helpful 😬 just factor in the factors such as different after school clubs, what happens with sickness, what happens with lateness etc etc

No I wouldn't especially as you know your dc wouldn't like it. That's a special time for you both. You'll have to say no, I'm sorry but that's not something I can commit to. If she asks why just say I just can't. You don't owe her an explanation. It's yours and your dcs time. No one gets to dictate how you spend it.

In your situation (much older child and not friends with the parents), I would say no. It would make your mornings more stressful and adds another layer of expectation and complication.

Is there a reason that the child cannot walk to school? Or if they are at a school a drive away, then she either needs to pay for childcare so she can go to work or find a school that her DC can walk to themselves.

I am also suspicious of the fact that she is asking you (someone with a much younger child than hers) to give a lift? Surely there must be other parents in the DCs class who she could have asked. It would make me think she has burned through any good will in that class already and has had to move onto randoms. That would be a huge red flag for me to say no.

Her "do you know anyone else?" comment also raises flags for me. She is happy to palm her child off to anyone rather than sort breakfast club/ childcare. If she is working a long commute to the office or her working hours do not fit with the schedule she wants then she either needs to find childcare that accommodates that or put in a flexible working request, or move sideways into a job with hours that suits or change jobs.

You are at serious risk of becoming free childcare and having lifts and times dictated to you if you say yes.

I would do it for a good friend or as part of a like for like swap (I'll take yours to school if you collect or I'll take to school Monday/ Tuesday if you take Thursday/ Friday).

Comments like this amuse me.
I'd be prepared to bet cold hard cash that you are not taking someone else's older child to school on a daily basis.

Yes I know of a childminder who does this once they've been dropped off at her home.

Yes I think there is a clear divide:

those who have not done this kind of service to others but imagine themselves doing it lovingly (easy to say if it’s purely hypothetical)🤔

those who have done it, are realistic about it now, and say be careful…😁