Would you take a neighbour's child to school every day?

[MintyElephant]

A neighbour, who I don’t talk too, other than the odd hello if we see each other, asked me if I could take her child to and from school every day as she’s struggling too because of her work - her child goes to same school as mine. She’s effectively asking a stranger to chaffeur her child around, what is everyone’s thoughts on this? Yes I’m going there anyway, I can’t do everyday as I don’t do everyday anyway. What would you say if someone you didn’t actually know ask you this? Would you do it?

Personally I would but that’s just because I’ve had days crawling along trying to figure out how to get the kids in and out of school when I was due in work before or after school times so when I can help people I try my best. But you’re absolutely not obligated to and if I were her I’d not think it was a big thing for you to say no

You need to learn to identify early on which mums will be there for you if you need a favour and which are entitled and just constantly looking for favours. It’s a long journey raising kids and even if it’s easy for you right now, at some stage, you’ll need a bit of help and unfortunately that’s when you find out which will return all those favours and which will not. In my own experience, I hit some hard times and was shocked at how angry some other parents got, angry actually angry, when suddenly I couldn’t provide them with freechildcare (or “play dates and sleepovers” as they liked to call them). It was all the parents that had never reciprocated of course. Left me feeling like a real smuck for helping them out so many times over the years.

Driving someone else's kid to school is completely different to having them tag along on a walk.
You may well need to change your car insurance to "for hire or reward" ie a taxi - as that's what effectively you will be.

You’d be amazed at how many emergencies some mums have. I agreed to help a mum friend once when she had a doctors appointment and no childcare. I thought sure, ok. Hours passed. I wondered if the woman got some bad news even. She eventually messaged to say she was coming to pick up the kid but was in a rush and in an uber and could i have the child ready at the door as she had to bring the kid straight to come activity club. She even asked me to pack a water bottle and a sandwich for the kid. When she pulled up in the uber, I walked the kid over to the car, noticed the mum looking a bit panicky and jumping out of the back seat and holding the door half closed behind her as she huddled the kid in and thanking me… behind her on the seat a pile of shopping bags… like to be clear here, not the grocery shopping, fancy clothes shopping bags. Felt like such a schmuck

Overall personally I wouldn’t, the times in the car are precious to us. When I have helped in the past, it didn’t work, the child / den became difficult as didn’t want me picking them up. It wasn’t unknown for me to be trying to talk them round or running down a street after them. At first it was fine and then it became a bind. I was using my lunch break either rushing from the office or wfh. When I stopped helping it became a breath of fresh air. Life is busier now for Mums and having to deal with other peoples children when there fed up is difficult and this also led to resentment from my own kids. Personally I wouldn’t do it, if you do give yourself a clear exit to her and say it may not work with your schedule and commitments and as long as she understand this you can try.

She's obviously desperate if you are as you say a virtual stranger. Id suggest trying it short term but also help her investigate ways to make it easier for her. But set rules.

Still not op’s problem to solve.

In my experience, and this is genuine and true, it is ALWAYS the parents that say “I would have helped” that never help… they always have an excuse when I need help. They’re also the ones that always have a crisis and need help. I’ve changed my schedule and my kids schedules on lots of occasions to help out other mums and some of the mums would do the same for me. But the ones that loudly proclaim they would help… I think I can say without exception at this stage, it’s all for show. They’ve never inconvenienced themselves for others

I did, but was disappointed that when I asked that woman in advance to babysit my dd ONE day in the school holidays because I was due to have a caesarean, she said that they didn’t know what they were doing yet.

Is be careful making an excuse. Had a child over for a sleepover once and when I asked the mum when she was collecting her, the mum said “she’s supposed to be with her father tomorrow so coordinate the handover with him”. I duly messaged the dad who replied to be tell me that the arrangement was he would pick the kid up from the mothers house at 5pm. So I messaged the mum to relay this to her and say that my kids had a tennis tournament at 12 and we had to leave for it by 11. The mum told me she had to work and “if she can’t stay with you”, then tell the kid to go back to hers and that the kid had a key and could wait there by herself for the day. The child was 9, maybe 10 years old at the time. I felt terrible for the kid. When I told her this, she asked if she could eat at mine first because “there’s no food at mamas”. For the record, there were not poor people by any stretch. They were quite well off… richer than me at least.

I’m all for helping people out but it has to be a win win for both parties for it to work. That might be being paid with money if needed, reciprocal school runs, babysitting in exchange for taking to school. It might be a friendship repaid with the occasional flowers or something. Any combination really, but if there is nothing in it for one party, then they will soon start to feel put upon and resentful.

In your case OP, there is not even a relationship between you. I wouldn’t do it.

If I was going there anyway I'd drive her child too, as I have business insurance, but I'd stipulate if my DC was not going because of illness she'd have to take her DC herself.

Being timid and shy isn’t something that just has to be.

it’s not going to be of any help to her as a woman. Maybe pushing back on that would help her be less timid. It’s not a positive attribute.

if this kid is 9 or 10, won’t he be going to a secondary school next year?

I think you need to know much more before you can say you’ll do this.

but I think you’re looking for affirmation to refuse it. You can say “sorry, I really can’t help you with this, I’m rushing about like a blue-arsed fly already and questions like ‘what if he’s late?’ What if I’m late?’ ‘What if DD is sick and not going in etc etc’ are a real factor for this.

I was a shy and quiet child.
But there has to be a balance of people, why does everybody have to be confident and loud? Imagine if everybody was - wow the noise and everybody would be battling to talk and talking at the same time! It’s ok to be a bit more reserved, she’s confident in a way but quiet around people she does not know. That’s ok.

When my son started at our local school there was no breakfast club. I asked a neighbour - who crucially had 3 children of her own at the school and whose youngest was in the same class as mine - if I could pay her the going rate to have mine, give him breakfast and take him to school 3 mornings a week. She said yes and it was a real lifeline for me - as I teacher myself I couldn’t do flexible hours. Even when a breakfast club opened up, she still had my son, and my younger one when he became the right age for a couple of times a week and then we did the breakfast club for a couple. So, I would definitely accept money and see how it went for a month. If he’s older, he’ll just get out of the car and go and see his mates - if the other mum is happy for this (perhaps you arrange to watch him until he’s on the school premises, for example) then it wouldn’t get in the way of your waiting in the car with your daughter time?

She repeatedly can't spell 'to'... So I wouldn't guarantee it.

I would rather my child choose when they want to build on that and naturally be able to do it rather than being forced into a car every single day with another child. There’s many ways this will be built through childhood school and extra classes/hobbies will do it. It’s not about raising snowflakes or softies but it’s not about doing this just to push back on it. I wouldn’t say you were correct in saying let’s get this boy who’s not even the same age as you in the car every day where we can real chat sing a song and get a positive vibe going for the day.

I was shy and timid as a child I’m not now. I didn’t get forced into a car with a strange boy everyday

Huh?

It seems pretty obvious you don't want to do it, which is fine, but I'm not sure why you've asked. It sounds like she's struggling, maybe doesn't have family to ask and maybe doesn't have the money to pay for before school club as others have suggested. I feel like there was no harm in her asking and there's no harm in you saying no.
But you could just do a trial run has others have suggested, maybe you'll get to know each other and she may end up being of help to you...

I wouldn’t - I like taking my DD to school and having that time to talk to her. Also I do think it would be different if she were a friend or even your child’s friend but you don’t know them, it’s a tough position to be put in sorry OP!

I don’t really understand this. I had a similar situation with my daughter. I was going anyway so I took the other child. Sometimes it’s nice to be nice. When my daughter was ill, I simply texted and said they’d need to make other arrangements that day. No big deal.

Absolutely not and she’s bonkers to even ask. The brass neck on her 😂

I’d say I’d do it for now but once the little one is school aged there won’t be any room in the car. I doubt mine would be tall enough to go in the front in that time either, so I’d probably do it as long as it’s convenient for me.

I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer, and tbh as long as the kid isn’t a brat I wouldn’t mind but it’s up to you.

I wouldn’t hesitate to do it, it’s a completely normal thing to do isn’t it?

Is it? As a one-off maybe or for a week while the regular lift can't but do people routinely take other people's children to school and home from school 5 days a week? I've been in plenty of school lifts where we all took turns but if someone presumed it was perfectly normal to have me take their child twice a day all week all school year I'd think there was something a bit off with them.