How to stop stranger toddler touching my baby…

[SomethingYum]

Please be gentle, I already feel like sh!t

ive taken my baby twice now to a playgroup type place. Every time a little girl aged 2+ (I’d say 2.5/3) came up to us multiple times, like every 3 mins, and kept saying, “baby baby baby baby” whilst touching my baby on the head/stroking.

The first time I thought she’d say hello and be off. But after the next and the next return I told the girl no touching but she either doesn’t understand or doesn’t listen. No parent in sight.

today I saw the mum, she’s either busy chatting to another mum or is on her phone. She said something to me about how the toddler just likes babies. The toddler again kept doing the same thing, and I was visibly uncomfortable the whole time. My baby didn’t cry was withdrew every time the toddler reached for her and looked confused and a bit intimidated. It culminated in the toddler throwing (thankfully a soft) ball at me and my baby (I hold her the whole time and feel very on edge). The ball hit my baby but she didn’t react as it was soft rubber.

I am very annoyed with myself. I am not ok with my daughter’s head being stroked. I don’t want objects thrown at us. I am upset because as I walked away today I realised I was teaching my baby girl unwanted physical contact should be tolerated. I feel awful.

I don’t want to stop going to this place, it’s a nice setting. How would you respond in my shoes? How can I stop this?

today my baby was the only one there but last week there were quite a few others but still the toddler only wanted mine

Sounds like the type of child where the parents allow them to bulldoze their way around doing stuff and touching things as they please. Theres always a token bulldozer kid at every group. Bulldozers need a firm ‘no!’

How old is your baby?

Distract the child with a toy if you can. But if she really won’t be dissuaded, just stand up and walk away if she’s bothering your baby. Her own mum can’t be arsed to deal with her but that doesn’t mean your baby is her doll.

I was upset because as I walked away today I realised I was teaching my baby girl unwanted physical contact should be tolerated. I feel awful

This is a leap. Your baby won’t remember this and learn that in life she must tolerate being touched even if she doesn’t want to be.

is it normal to touch someone physically because you want to?
Yes, when you’re 2, completely normal.

Why are you allowing someone else's toddler to dominate you when you can intervene by taking hold of the toddler's hand before she touches your baby and leading her back to her mother?

You are reacting quite strongly to what is a perfectly normal interaction though. Some toddlers like babies but are too small to be reliably gentle with them. That's why the adult needs to step in, whoever that adult may be. A baby is too young to learn anything about consent from a toddler stroking their head. There is no need for you to feel 'like shit'. Really, OP, you have created something to worry about that you wouldn't need to worry about if you taught yourself to be more assertive.

How will you stop your toddler from touching your second baby? This is a bit mad really. These groups exist for social interaction. You can tell the toddler off but she will likely throw things at you. Your only other option is to tell the mother which may or may not go down well.

Just pick your baby up and move her away. Quite simple! I think you’re being a bit precious but that’s something you’ll only learn through experience.

I didn't like other toddlers touching my babies either, i'm have issues with germs but i know it's a me problem. I would probably start saying no thank you we don't touch baby/oh where's your mummy/we're having a turn with xyz why don't you go find mummy. the suggestion of picking up baby and redirecting the toddler to touch their own head is good.

Pleeeaseeee tell us how old the baby is. The suspense is killing me

I suspect that the baby might be reacting to your concern- it’s a bit unusual for a baby to be intimidated by a gentle touch……

Playgroups are for social interaction. If you don’t want that for your baby then probably better not to go. How old is your baby?

you aren’t saying how old your baby is

Your going to have a long 18 yrs op . Good luck . My advice is to unclench it won't be long before your little one is the boisterous toddler. If you dont want any normal Interactions or your child around other children who are all learning social interactions stay at home.

i do get where you are coming from. I had this recently- a local mum half ignores her girls and they interfere or overstay their welcome if you know what I mean. They’re bigger and more boisterous than my child and I don’t feel like entertaining other children.
the other half of me just gets on with it and accepts it’s part of the whole baby class and setting. To be clear the toddler is not at fault here. The mum should be keeping a better eye in my opinion, however OP I do feel you could relax a little.

Obviously we all need to know how old the baby is. Old enough to even get anything out of going to playgroup?

I take my baby with me on the school run. There are lots of hands that reach out to stroke - all much older than toddlers. My only concern is that the children are being gentle and not waking the baby.

Agreed. Surely, the point of the group is socialising and that is how toddlers socialise. You could look at a book together and play with toys at home.

I think this sort of thing just happens at playgroups. Toddlers are curious and tend to like babies (and IME of having two of them and going to many of these groups, even spirited toddlers are often very gentle with little babies). Babies in turn are often quite fascinated by older children and enjoy watching them. My 4yo loves interacting with babies and is very gentle. She does like to stroke their hand or have them hold onto her finger etc. I wonder if perhaps you are mirroring your emotions onto your baby as babies are generally quite happy to be interacted with by young children.

But if you don’t want it then just intervene, you don’t have to be harsh or tell her off but you can block access, tell her that your baby doesn’t like to be touched but maybe she would like to play with X toy instead. At these kind of unstructured groups you do have to interact with children who aren’t yours.

I am 41 and love to touch a podgy little baby hand or stroke their head!

When my DD was a baby, I spent a lot of time also looking after my toddler god-daughter. She was enchanted with DD, constantly petting her and wanting to have DD on her lap. DD didn't show any sign of being troubled by it, and the question of unwanted touch never crossed my mind.

Now I am thinking about OP's perspective and realise things could get tricky. So many childhood interactions involve the touch of a n adult or another child - teachers helping primary children into a line, music teachers helping a child position an instrument correctly, dancing in a circle, tidying up with another adult, being handed a parcel or goods in a shop, having shoes fitted in a shoe shop, a dental examination. Does permission have to be asked for all of these? Clarity about consent in a medical or sexual situation is critical but an insistence on consent in the other situations I have listed would create a socially awkward child.

Tupo

I think you are getting a hard time. The toddler wants something but you don’t think your daughter wants it and she is too little to advocate for herself so you are doing it. The toddler is probably too young to hear no and change focus without help so it would be more effective to redirect or distract before it happens. You can also explain that your daughter doesn’t like it and it would help if you suggest something else appropriate to do. Eg she doesn’t like it when you touch her head but you can pass her a toy, say hello, show her how you clap your hands.

Before you know it your baby will be grabbing at other babies so it is good to learn some different strategies for redirecting. I taught my toddler to stroke my baby’s foot because I couldn’t stop the touching completely but I wanted fewer germs and lower risk contact.

And then @SomethingYum will be back on here wondering why the playgroup Mums dont talk to her and a few years later she'll complain the Mums at the school gate are cliquey and don't include her.

Take charge of the interaction! Pp is right to redirect to the feet - much more robust and less chance of picking up germs. Say gentle hands and if the toddler does seem a bit over active you can stand up and move baby away The toddler is probably trying to interact with you as much as baby.

I am upset because as I walked away today I realised I was teaching my baby girl unwanted physical contact should be tolerated. I feel awful.

Bodily autonomy is obviously very important, but this bit did make me giggle a bit if I'm honest. Every time you change her nappy and she's reluctant, you are using unwanted physical contact. When she starts moving and you hold her hand to stop her going places you don't want, that's unwanted physical contact.

Obviously those things are necessary in a way interaction with a toddler is not, but this toddler also sounds quite harmless and is showing natural curiosity. If you don't like it, stand up so toddler can't reach. Baby is probably getting her anxiety over it (if you've read that right and aren't projecting) from you. If she is tiny, then honestly she won't care. If she's an older baby, then she can gain a lot from socialisation with a toddler. But that's your call, and fine if you don't want her to, but she's just being a toddler really so you can't criticise her for that.

It’s a chat forum and one on which the OP is seeking advice.

No-one has said she needs to do anything.

For people saying “if you don’t want your baby to interact, don’t go to play groups”, just stop. My baby was a shy, introverted thing (at 18 she’s still an introvert) but she enjoyed observing and playing alongside other people.

Yout baby does not become public property when you leave the house.

And thankfully some others grow out of it.

This is good, thank you. Definitely not looking to tell her off, the mum should be watching and explaining that pestering someone/returning every 3 mins is not acceptable/redirecting/teaching social skills. I struggle with older kids a bit as they are so wildly different from one another. I met a 3yo at a library the other day and she was an absolute delight, her social skills were better than mine! She played with my baby for a while as she found her interesting, it was such a positive experience, we had a proper conversation (about babies and my nails😄). In contrast this toddler acts obsessive which is an unfair burden on a stranger and it’s on the mum to direct her and teach her