How to stop stranger toddler touching my baby…

[SomethingYum]

Please be gentle, I already feel like sh!t

ive taken my baby twice now to a playgroup type place. Every time a little girl aged 2+ (I’d say 2.5/3) came up to us multiple times, like every 3 mins, and kept saying, “baby baby baby baby” whilst touching my baby on the head/stroking.

The first time I thought she’d say hello and be off. But after the next and the next return I told the girl no touching but she either doesn’t understand or doesn’t listen. No parent in sight.

today I saw the mum, she’s either busy chatting to another mum or is on her phone. She said something to me about how the toddler just likes babies. The toddler again kept doing the same thing, and I was visibly uncomfortable the whole time. My baby didn’t cry was withdrew every time the toddler reached for her and looked confused and a bit intimidated. It culminated in the toddler throwing (thankfully a soft) ball at me and my baby (I hold her the whole time and feel very on edge). The ball hit my baby but she didn’t react as it was soft rubber.

I am very annoyed with myself. I am not ok with my daughter’s head being stroked. I don’t want objects thrown at us. I am upset because as I walked away today I realised I was teaching my baby girl unwanted physical contact should be tolerated. I feel awful.

I don’t want to stop going to this place, it’s a nice setting. How would you respond in my shoes? How can I stop this?

today my baby was the only one there but last week there were quite a few others but still the toddler only wanted mine

You don't say why you're adverse to having her head touched.

But since you are, you probably need to stand up every time so she can't reach.

Or just tell her a very firm 'NO' and repeat as necessary.

How old is your baby? Are you worried about germs? X

But also, if you're holding your baby the whole time, is she even getting anything out of attending a playgroup?

How old is your baby?

I think you have to speak to the parent; at 2.5, she can hardly be held responsible for her actions. I'm afraid 'speaking to other parents' is something you will have to get used to, so it's best to start now. You will teach your daughter how to have boundaries that are respected by your actions in taking care of her.

Your baby won’t remember these incidents, @SomethingYum, I promise - so please don’t worry about that.

@LadyLooo is right - just say No, firmly, and move your baby out of reach.

Is the toddler stroking the babies head doing any harm? I recall I had left dd on a mat i the baby corner and taken ds who was potty training to the loo, I came back to find dd buried in wooden bricks and a toddler who kept coming and putting more on. Only solution was to pick the baby up.

Thank you. It feels intense because the girl keeps coming back a lot, we can’t look at a book or play with a toy without being interrupted. I will try this next time and hopefully it’ll stop. It feels like I’m having to supervise someone else’s child. I am not sure why everyone is asking me if it’s doing any harm - is it normal to touch someone physically because you want to? I’d be teaching the toddler that it’s okay to like babies and be around them but touching is not ok. Everyone I socialise with stops their babies from taking other babies’ things such as rattles, let alone touching bodies.

She is a toddler. She explores the world through her hands! She has zero idea of body autonomy

The child in question is still learning the social norms, @SomethingYum - like not touching someone else’s things, and not touching a baby without permission. Toddlers need to be taught these things - the parents absolutely should be doing this - mum should be supervising the toddler at the group - but there is nothing wrong with you kindly but firmly telling the child No.

I honestly think you need to do this, just move away.

I am not sure why everyone is asking me if it’s doing any harm - is it normal to touch someone physically because you want to?

Yes pretty normal.

I've had 3 children and have never come across your no touching rule?

But also, if you have another baby how will you enforce this 'no touching because you want to' rule, when this baby is a toddler?

As a PP said, it's how toddlers explore the world and how any subsequent children will explore their new siblings.

Just kindly say No, then stand up and move away. If the mother doesn't get the message, the toddler soon will.

Just ask her to stop. Repeatedly. And re-direct her attention to something else

Poor toddler methinks.

Some ideas. Pick baby up and say “that’s her head. Where’s your head?” in a light tone. Are there dollies at this place? If so keep one with you and use it to place between your baby and the child, redirect - you can touch this babies’ head.

No, she can’t have my baby to play with. I’m sure she will have tons of fun with all the playthings left out for the children to play with.

Honestly, op, it would be better to relax a little here

We dont know how old your baby is - if shes a newborn whos unvaccinated, that would be what you'd say, that youre a little anxious, and obvs shes delicate.

If shes 8 months and starting to crawl and notice the world, it sounds as though she has made a friend. It could be a positive thing?

Good idea, thank you!

I did say in my OP that my baby withdraws and looks intimidated so those are not positive things?

Babies can sense how their mums are feeling. If you are anxious, they will be too.

I dont see why you won't tell us her age. She could just be making faces? It could be good for her to socialise with other children as well.

I mean, shes your baby, do what you will - its just that these groups are for the babies to socialise really.

You’re at a play group so there is going to be interaction.

I would just confidently get ahead of it if it’s annoying, (but I wouldn’t mind a toddler touching the baby), just guide the interaction more (this is also my method when young children become obsessed with our dog).

“Hello Toddler! Yes this is a baby, isn’t she cute! Look at her little foot! Would you like to touch her little foot? Isn’t it small! Where is your foot? Wow you’re right! Hey, have you seen those books over there? Why don’t you take one to your mummy? Where is your mummy?” Probably if you engage enough the toddler will just wander off after a while/hopefully mummy will be alerted and step in!

It’s also a good thing to model confidence and friendliness to your baby, they might look withdrawn/intimidated because you seem nervous and aren’t guiding the interaction?

I can understand that you’re feeling uncomfortable about this but honestly, you’re overreacting in terms of even considering that this will affect anything with your daughter and physical contact etc in her life. You’re making the (very easy with a young first baby!) mistake of making this into a much bigger deal than it needs to be. Just a gentle ‘oh no, we don’t touch!’ if you really can’t stand it and redirection do the other girls attention is all it needs. Toddlers are curious little things and she sounds like she’s being gentle, it isn’t the end of the world.