How to stop stranger toddler touching my baby…

[SomethingYum]

Please be gentle, I already feel like sh!t

ive taken my baby twice now to a playgroup type place. Every time a little girl aged 2+ (I’d say 2.5/3) came up to us multiple times, like every 3 mins, and kept saying, “baby baby baby baby” whilst touching my baby on the head/stroking.

The first time I thought she’d say hello and be off. But after the next and the next return I told the girl no touching but she either doesn’t understand or doesn’t listen. No parent in sight.

today I saw the mum, she’s either busy chatting to another mum or is on her phone. She said something to me about how the toddler just likes babies. The toddler again kept doing the same thing, and I was visibly uncomfortable the whole time. My baby didn’t cry was withdrew every time the toddler reached for her and looked confused and a bit intimidated. It culminated in the toddler throwing (thankfully a soft) ball at me and my baby (I hold her the whole time and feel very on edge). The ball hit my baby but she didn’t react as it was soft rubber.

I am very annoyed with myself. I am not ok with my daughter’s head being stroked. I don’t want objects thrown at us. I am upset because as I walked away today I realised I was teaching my baby girl unwanted physical contact should be tolerated. I feel awful.

I don’t want to stop going to this place, it’s a nice setting. How would you respond in my shoes? How can I stop this?

today my baby was the only one there but last week there were quite a few others but still the toddler only wanted mine

I think you are overreacting quite a bit here. Just tell the toddler no or give her a doll to play with. It’s very normal for toddlers to want to touch things. What’s the point of going to playgroup if you won’t let your baby interact with others? Maybe it depends how old she is.

If you don’t want your baby being touched then I think you have to stand with your baby out of the toddler’s reach. But then why go really if you’re not wanting your baby to interact with others. Your baby will be exploring, crawling and touching other babies at that stage soon anyway.

Gosh your rules are going to make you and your child miserable when your child is a toddler, exploring other babies at playgroups.

You're literally going to have to hover over her like a helicopter.

Tell the parent, one or twice I could deal with this but a strange toddler or anyone really that is a stranger constantly touching my baby or child would seriously annoy me

How old is your baby? A newborn, yes, you don’t want toddlers grabbing her head - older; you’re being a bit precious.
Just get up and walk around when the toddler approaches if you really must, but your baby will be doing the very same thing in no time at all.

So OP.....were you just giving the evil eye to a toddler and then made a mumsnet post? Does this rule of no touching apply to your baby? Why do you think you didn't have the courage of your convictions to say anything to the parents? We can both make assumptions right?

Did you ever experience unwanted or inappropriate touching during your childhood?

I understand the not wanting to parent another woman’s toddler. I absolutely do. But surely the point of taking a child to a playgroup is to interact with other children? Young children poke, prod and touch each other and until she got frustrated with being ignored each time, it sounds like this little girl was trying to play nicely. Yours will also want to poke, prod and touch too.

I mean it’s absolutely your prerogative what you do and don’t do at the playgroup, but baby isn’t allowed to play with others in the way young children play, then why not just stop at home and read a book or play with a toy there?

If your baby is capable of looking intimidated, it isn't a young baby.

YABU.

.......but your baby will be doing the very same thing in no time at all
Exactly.

Touch is very good for babies and a very normal way for small children to explore each other and the world. There’s nothing inherently wrong with what the other toddler is doing. If you’re really against it then obviously you can redirect them back to their parent - lots of good ideas for this above - but you should understand that this is a ‘you’ issue rather than an objective problem.

Why are you going if you don't want anyone to interact with you or your baby?

If you’re at playgroup with your baby then the toddler mum probably thinks you want your baby to interact with other little ones, because that’s usually why people go, and if the toddler is being calm and gentle then she probably thinks it’s a nice interaction and all is fine. If you don’t want your baby to be touched by a toddler then a baby sensory or something baby specific/more adult lead might be a better fit right now than a playgroup.

Your modelling of emotions will create a happy, confident and independent baby.

Toddlers learn through touch, taste and all the senses.

Making the world a happy space for them is allowing them to interact with other babies and toddlers. Learning from their peers.

How old is your baby?

Op keeps ignoring this question

Say no and move away if you feel uncomfortable. As others have said, this is normal toddler behaviour.

Kindly, if your baby is looking intimiadated by gentle touching from a human not much bigger than herself, I think you need to expose her MORE not LESS. It's a very typical interaction and one that isn't going to abatecwoth reception / early years schooling.

Yes we teach kids to ask before touching but they're small and impulsive. Raising her to feel violated and a victim every time a peer physically interacts is doing more harm than a gentle pat

She doesn’t need to. She said she doesn’t like it. She doesn’t owe anyone an explanation.

I don’t t think you need any kind of reason to not want this.
Just practice saying no, in a firm but friendly voice. “ No thank you. She doesn’t want any stroke or pats.” “No thank you, you need to stop touching the baby”. Big smile. No nonsense tone of voice.
Crucially, you re not telling the toddler off. You are just cheerfully saying No. It’s honestly an important skill to master if you’re going to attend groups. Once it’s worked a couple of times, you’ll feel more relaxed. The toddler will toddle off if you deploy this consistently.
“You need to” is a good phrase to use on other people’s children because you’re not telling them off. It’s just a cheerful “you need to ask your own mummy”, “you need to choose a different toy”. Nothing works all the time but this works pretty well.

You’re not unreasonable and you will have to toughen up a little bit if you want to navigate baby groups.

Have a word with the mum and say it’s fine for toddler to say hello but after that you don’t want to feel like you have to negotiate with a child about whether or not she can keep touching your baby. Be prepared for the mum to get huffy as it’s her own precious darling. If she does just smile and let it roll off you.

Exactly this sort of thing :) I'd engage with toddler a bit (who seems very sweet, by the way), and then catch her mum's eye, smile and probably say something like 'inquisitive, isn't she?!' to hopefully prod her mum into action a bit if she was getting too handsy again.

These things do happen and are pretty normal at playgroups though - theyre primarily social experiences in the years running up to nursery/school etc. Just something to consider x

Just politely but clearly say ‘no touching the baby’. Put your hand up if you need to. Keep repeating.

If by baby you mean baby then maybe instead of or as well as a playgroup, you need a mum and baby group. Perhaps ask around and see if there's one and if not if there's interest in starting one.

I agree with pp that standing up and redirecting the toddler when they are trying to touch your baby might be a good idea.

So long as she’s being gentle where’s the harm?

She’ll always be ‘intimidated’ if she doesn’t experience these things and get used to them, though.

Babies and toddlers touch everything, including each other, constantly. It’s what they do. I understand it’s annoying if a toddler is constantly coming up and having to be entertained, but you do also sound extremely over-anxious and I think you need to relax a bit.

I’m not really sure why you take your baby to a playgroup at all, really. You’re holding her the whole time and it doesn’t sound as if you’re doing anything with her that’s different from what you’d do at home.