19 year old sons girlfriend is pregnant

[Susa1]

My 19 year old sons girlfriend is pregnant.

He called me freaking out last week soon as the test was done and said they didn’t want it then the gf goes out that day with the test and shows all her family and friends. So now they are keeping it as she’s made that decision and he hasn’t had a say. To me it’s all off she has pcos apparently and was on the pill that she ran out of and didn’t want to speak to a doctor as she doesn’t like speaking to people. Yet now she’s gong to have to with pregnancy. Her mum went out that day of finding out and bought all pink baby toys as she her words hopes for a girl and is buying a pram this week of finding out after a few days late with her period. Am I being wrong here or is the way they have handled it crazy?

Yes I wanted better for my son he has just started a pathway to a great career and almost driving his life was on the up. His gf has never worked or has any interest in doing so and this concerns me as I want my son to have a good life not struggle.

And it’s not the son’s fault his girlfriend is a liar who just wanted a kid.

The problem is it absolutely should be a joint decision but biology says otherwise. Unless you think that forcing a woman to have an abortion is an option, there isn't anything else but giving her the final say in the matter once she is pregnant.

Agree!!

Hes got three choices.

1. Stay with her.
2. Ask her to have an abortion if she doesn't then he still tries to be a dad.
3. Tell her he's not interested at all and wants nothing to do with the baby and walk away now.

She's evidently trapped him.

OP, I share your frustration. My DS had a one night fling with a girl who fell pregnant. He is 18. She also told him she couldn’t have children and was on the pill. She also only disclosed it after a whole 6 months!! She claimed to have not known and didn’t even seek medical attention. They are not even friends. The first thing I said to him was that it is ultimately his fault that he blindly believed this and didn’t use a condom. HE made that choice. I felt (and still feel) the same things you are feeling. But, this baby did not ask to be born. This baby had no say in anything either. This baby is your flesh and blood and is coming into this world whether you (or I) like it or not. I am heartbroken for my son and I hate that he didn’t get a say in this but it just is what it is. It doesn’t really matter who said what and who lied. Our boys decided not to use protection and now they have to man up and live with the consequences of their actions. It’s shit and it’s sad but we can’t change it. I’ve only had a few weeks to wrap my head around it and baby is due in a month! There is nothing we can do but support them as best as we can.

On a positive note it doesn’t sound as though they will be expecting to move in with you anytime soon!

All you can do is stay calm, talk your son through his legal obligations towards supporting the baby , and ask him what he wants to do about continuing the relationship with the gf and ultimately with the baby..

As the pregnancy progresses you also need to decide how, if, where and when you want to build a relationship with the gf and the baby.

100% of unplanned pregnancies are caused by men/boys. They just don't seem to grasp this. Contraception, every time, no matter what. It's a hell of a hard way for your son to learn this most basic lesson.

Were the title of the thread and the very first line of the post not clear enough for you?

Unless she’s had her ovaries/womb removed then there’s no way she’d know at 19 that she can’t have kids.

Your DS knows the pills aren’t 100% effective.
Even if she took them properly they’re not 100% but all it takes is to be unwell, forget it etc and she could be pregnant.

Your son is just as much to blame as her.
There is no ‘trapping’ someone when they didn’t take any precautions themselves.

He’s only got himself to blame.

19year olds get pregnant all of the time and although I feel sorry for both of them, what’s done is done and neither of them are more to blame than the other.

regardless if she took the pill or not, every time they had penetrative sex there was a chance of pregnancy. If he has sex with someone there is always a risk . Don’t use this as an excuse to walk away from his responsibilities. He does have a choice, he can choose to separate but he needs to at least financially support his child.

This is very true.

Her family sound batshit but also very supportive.

They could have kicked her out as soon as they found out and that would have had a massive impact on your DS.

They will also likely help her and DS with the baby too.

It is reproductive coercion. She lied. He didn't consent. He should break up with her - she is abusive. (Edit: if anything, break up before she gets pregnant again...)

If this very early pregnancy lasts (fair chance that it doesn't), he should of course aim to be a good dad and pay his part (or go for 50%). But break all romantic connections with her for his sanity and wellbeing. He could insist on a parenting app, and get a DNA test in due course too...

She and her family sounds nuts; hopefully he'll learn to pick a better partner.

I'm afraid I also agree with this. Whether he wants to be involved in the child's life or not he's going to be on the hook for CMS even if she has 'trapped him' as you say. I would start thinking about ways you can support him to be a good dad in a way that allows him to get on with his life if she insists on continuing with the pregnancy

You and your DS have all my sympathy OP. I have a friend who had a similar situation.
It might be worth DS having one more conversation with her. Point out that her circumstances are far from ideal for a baby and that she really has behaved despicable.
Then I would recommend that your DS concentrates on his career for the time being. She has support and doesn't deserve his. When the baby is here he can decide if he wants to be involved. Unfortunately he will always have to pay child maintenance if she claims it. Maybe she will have the decency to get her family to support her seeing as they are so keen for her to have the baby.

Do you know the girl personally?
You seem to know a lot about her for someone who’s never even met her.

DS didn’t wear a condom, so on some level he must have been ok with her getting pregnant.

If you think you are old enough to have sex you have to accept the possibility that you are old enough to become a parent. Doubling up contraception is best

For everyone saying they should do everything in their power to urge for a termination. This is abuse towards a young woman. She should be able to make her own decisions based on help and advice, not coerced.

Condoms aren't 100% effective either. Although at least you can't pretend you're using protection like you can with the pill.

STDs still exist even if she is on the pill. He needs to wrap it up.

This pregnancy wasn't unplanned.

It does sound like she mislead him. And that is not fair. Yes of course he could have taken extra precautions and worn a condom but he obviously trusted her.
You are probably still in shock so I would strongly advise you to stay quiet and do not express how you feel or question her/her decision. Anything you say now in shock/anger could be used against you and your son, and affect your relationship with your grandchild down the line.
Best of luck OP. I hope your son is ok and that things all work out for you all

The most basic lesson is don't have sex because there are no 100% guaranteed contraceptives.

Thanks for sharing 🩷 it’s a lot to wrap your head around isn’t it. I feel so upset I wanted so much more for my son on life and it felt like everything was heading in the right direction until this. I know how hard his life is about to get and the struggles he will face. I don’t hold any resentment to the baby it’s the girlfriend I have it for all the lies and selfishness. I hope it all works out for you and your son 😊

True, but providing and using your own contraception is a better bet than trusting either the pill or a relatively new sexual partner who says she is taking the pill.