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Social referral.. never had this before and absolutely terrified

424 replies

Wonderland12 · 25/08/2026 21:50

Speech & language referred to SS apparently school have raised concerns also but not said anything. Allegations are dental neglect and that his teeth “look dirty” - has weak teeth dentist visit today confirmed reduce in sugar but otherwise all dental care perfect brushing by ourselves and no issue with brushing teeth all being done as should. Required some treatment which was given but nothing out of the ordinary or extreme. Dentist said it’s just where he has has previous treatment and stains it looks “dirty” but nothing wrong. He has routine appointments we attend all and he goes to any treatments they plan.

Permanent stain on school clothes - they raised stains or marks on school jumper. Clothes always washed but has got a permanent small stain about 5mm wide on one and a couple of very light pen marks on the other.. they don’t come out I’ve tried.

Says he has a dirty neck sometimes.. he has a bath at least twice a week, usually plays outside school in the mornings before they go in with his friends in the grass on the field & also eats a breakfast pastry on the way to school and he’s not a clean eater. Could be from that but he is bathed and cleaned regularly we are not dirty people!!

Now have to wait for a SS call or visit, absolutely beside myself as he is extremely well cared for the anxiety is horrific thinking people think he might not be cared for when it couldn’t be further from the truth

OP posts:
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Lexy2345 · Yesterday 08:47

Don't worry - they will offer you support if they think you need it. They won't take your son away from you.

hardshoulderr · Yesterday 08:51

@peppy23 whiteboard pens wash off

Cluelessfirstimer · Yesterday 08:53

I just think throwing around the word "neglect" is a bit much in this circumstance. Yes ok OP should wash hom more if hes clearly dirty. Yes, OP should provide more at breakfast. Yes, im sure like most of us OP could do many more things.

But neglect? Nah, sorry. Not close in my definition of neglect.

The fact OP is here and scared and asking all us shows she at least gives a shit. Thats more than a lot of parents.

Midnightmoonface · Yesterday 08:56

Cluelessfirstimer · Yesterday 08:53

I just think throwing around the word "neglect" is a bit much in this circumstance. Yes ok OP should wash hom more if hes clearly dirty. Yes, OP should provide more at breakfast. Yes, im sure like most of us OP could do many more things.

But neglect? Nah, sorry. Not close in my definition of neglect.

The fact OP is here and scared and asking all us shows she at least gives a shit. Thats more than a lot of parents.

I disagree, if the basic visible means of care aren’t met it’s very likely other aspects of care needs aren’t being met either and concern from the school is appropriate.
If you can’t be arsed to wash your child or feed them breakfast you’re unlikely to support their learning at home or do the other things that require more input from parents.
The school is not reporting due to one single thing but lack of breakfast, visibly unwashed, dirty and uncared for teeth and speech and language issues are very much all red flags together.

Lexibletheflexible · Yesterday 08:57

NoLifeguardOnDuty · Yesterday 08:38

That's not a cultural thing though. Calm down, imagining these kids sweating over partners when they're adults, and telling people their kids are disgusting and they should be ashamed... Why are you so rude and angry? Go and have a nice long soak in the bath.

Already have had our morning showers. It's 9am!

rumplestiltskin88 · Yesterday 09:04

As an adult I have a shower every day but no way did I as a child and I was not smelly or neglected . My child has a bath twice a week and he isn’t smelly and dirty . Kids don’t sweat in the same way and they don’t need to be washed as often as people here are suggesting . There is nothing wrong with having a bath every day but it’s not necessary. Some of the posts here are ridiculous. There must be more to this than that.

beaglescurleduplikebagels · Yesterday 09:20

rumplestiltskin88 · Yesterday 09:04

As an adult I have a shower every day but no way did I as a child and I was not smelly or neglected . My child has a bath twice a week and he isn’t smelly and dirty . Kids don’t sweat in the same way and they don’t need to be washed as often as people here are suggesting . There is nothing wrong with having a bath every day but it’s not necessary. Some of the posts here are ridiculous. There must be more to this than that.

But OP has said her child is visibly dirty. That’s the difference.

It’s not the baths twice a week that’s the issue in itself, it’s the entire picture painted in her OP - stained clothes, no proper breakfast, stained teeth and turning up to school visibly dirty.

One or two wouldn’t be an issue, especially the teeth along with a dentists report, but add it all up and it doesn’t look great.

rumplestiltskin88 · Yesterday 09:22

beaglescurleduplikebagels · Yesterday 09:20

But OP has said her child is visibly dirty. That’s the difference.

It’s not the baths twice a week that’s the issue in itself, it’s the entire picture painted in her OP - stained clothes, no proper breakfast, stained teeth and turning up to school visibly dirty.

One or two wouldn’t be an issue, especially the teeth along with a dentists report, but add it all up and it doesn’t look great.

I’m talking about all the posts from people seemingly incredulous about bathing twice a week .

beaglescurleduplikebagels · Yesterday 09:31

rumplestiltskin88 · Yesterday 09:22

I’m talking about all the posts from people seemingly incredulous about bathing twice a week .

I mean, I can kind of understand why. Everyone I know bathes every other day at an absolute minimum, from small children up to the elderly.

Just because people used to only have one bath a week, doesn’t mean that’s okay now.

GladBiscuit · Yesterday 09:31

Lexibletheflexible · Yesterday 01:13

People in other countries without our amenities often bathe much more often and are horrified at how dirty Europeans are. What you're doing might be a norm for you, but it is more a reflection of our poor cultural hygiene overall. Our filthy habits are common talk among people around the globe. Just Google white people hygiene and see what comes up.

I Googled ‘white people hygiene’ and what I got was a variety of articles talking about how it’s bullshit and questions about how some white people not using washcloths because hands are enough.

Maybe you need to question why you are determined to perpetuate such nonsense?
Also, you know there are non-white Europeans, right?

HotGrapefruit · Yesterday 09:34

Aw, OP, bless you. He doesn't scream neglected but I think you've got enough advice here to help him out. The slightly smelly, grubby child at school is not going to attract friends. Hopefully if you can get a bit more organised, he'll scrub up a bit!

moppety · Yesterday 09:34

All this chat has reminded me that DC are probably due a bath. Thanks!

rumplestiltskin88 · Yesterday 09:37

beaglescurleduplikebagels · Yesterday 09:31

I mean, I can kind of understand why. Everyone I know bathes every other day at an absolute minimum, from small children up to the elderly.

Just because people used to only have one bath a week, doesn’t mean that’s okay now.

Well I can’t see why. And my child is not smelly or whatever the hell you are implying . It’s hilarious the way you didn’t just say what you meant the first time you replied to my comment . Do you discuss how often you bath with everyone you know on earth ? Gosh how dull

orangeblluegreen · Yesterday 09:37

I have a child in my workplace clearly being neglected, and has been consistently over a period of around 2 years.

Despite our best efforts to try to engage with parents, and consistent reports being made with the relevant authorities, nothing ever changes for this child because the parents won’t engage with early help. They don’t see a problem with it.

So what I am getting at it is, if everything is as you say it is, nothing will happen beyond perhaps a welfare check.

Social services generally don’t ‘do’ anything beyond a chat unless a child is being physically harmed in my experience.

But having said that, I personally would increase the baths, seriously cut back on sugary food and make sure clothing is clean. (We all know on uniforms there will be the odd pen stain, small stubborn food stain etc but they can still look hygienically clean. But say white shirts have turned grey, and are permanently grubby looking, it’s time for new).
A dirty neck is often a place where grubbiness builds up due to skin folds and sweat etc.

Children can and do notice those who have dirty/dry food smeared faces, those who smell, and generally don’t look clean. And this does impact on friendships as they get older. It’s really sad to see as it is usually completely out of the control of the child how they arrive at school.

Everyone obviously has their own idea of what clean looks like and has their own standards. Children should have a basic level of care provided to them regardless of parents own standards. If they are happy to smell, fine, but they should not inflict that choice on their children.

Basic care should include a proper wash every single day with soap and water, whether that’s a bath, shower or very good flannel wash.
Teeth brushed twice daily.
Long hair brushed every day
to prevent matting.
Hair washed at least once a week (unless hair type determines a specific routine obviously)
Clean clothes and pyjamas every day, obviously wear them more than once if genuinely still clean and they don’t smell.

Cases like yours OP, are usually professionals just providing other professionals with their piece of a puzzle.
Not saying this is your children at all, but just for example,
Teacher notices dirty clothing, unclean body, not eating breakfast
they report that
dentist notices teeth are in a terrible state and obviously not being brushed
they report that
speech therapist notices stained teeth
they report that
Dance teacher notices unusual marks on a child’s legs
they report that

Those reports together end up in a social workers inbox and they can then go and check on the child. More often than not it’s a few minor concerns than can be addressed informally. But sometimes they could arrive to find a child is being severely abused and neglected and because those professionals noticed and reported their individual small concerns it meant that child could be rescued.

Bringemout · Yesterday 09:39

Midnightmoonface · Yesterday 08:56

I disagree, if the basic visible means of care aren’t met it’s very likely other aspects of care needs aren’t being met either and concern from the school is appropriate.
If you can’t be arsed to wash your child or feed them breakfast you’re unlikely to support their learning at home or do the other things that require more input from parents.
The school is not reporting due to one single thing but lack of breakfast, visibly unwashed, dirty and uncared for teeth and speech and language issues are very much all red flags together.

Yeah hard agree here, mine complains but she needs a shower everyday because she does regular sports and sweats. Stains on clothes isn’t a big deal if it’s pen marks etc, all of DD’s school uniforms are like that and I’m not buying new ones, they are clean though, she wears fresh clothes everyday. You can have problems with teeth for various reasons but if you are brushing properly twice a day they should be ok.

I imagine it’s the whole picture tbh, DD doesn’t stop moving but it would take a lot of not bathing for her to look actually dirty as in her skin to accumulate enough dirt for someone to think she needs a good wash.

OP I’m sure you are doing what you think is right but clearly there are some issues. Whatever you say about bathing for example someone else thinks he regularly looks dirty, so regardless of whether you think twice a week is sufficient it clearly isn’t. You do need to make some changes here.

beaglescurleduplikebagels · Yesterday 09:40

rumplestiltskin88 · Yesterday 09:37

Well I can’t see why. And my child is not smelly or whatever the hell you are implying . It’s hilarious the way you didn’t just say what you meant the first time you replied to my comment . Do you discuss how often you bath with everyone you know on earth ? Gosh how dull

I didn’t say anything about your child - I was referring to the OP’s child who she admits attends school while visibly dirty - or are you arguing that that’s acceptable?

Arltan · Yesterday 09:41

Bedroomdilemmas113 · 25/08/2026 23:43

This.

I thought this when I first saw the thread last night and the OP hasn't been back.

rumplestiltskin88 · Yesterday 09:45

beaglescurleduplikebagels · Yesterday 09:40

I didn’t say anything about your child - I was referring to the OP’s child who she admits attends school while visibly dirty - or are you arguing that that’s acceptable?

no that’s not what I’m saying and you know it . If you read the history of our posts it’s very clear that’s not what I meant. You said “I mean I can kind of see why “. Why can you “kind of see why” when most children who bathe twice a week are perfectly clean and well presented and don’t smell . 2-3 times at most is what is recommended by dermatology paediatricians . And it’s not like the 90s was Victorian times where all the masses were neglected and stank . Lord how ridiculous

RosesAndHellebores · Yesterday 09:47

Loving all the comments about early support.

When dd took a small overdose, aged 17, the hospital reported to SS. She was safety netted by a private adolscent psychiatrist and much improved comparednto when CAMHS refused services 9 months earlier.

I got a call from a social worker. They were so heavily accented I could barely understand them. They offered early help but when I asked what that was were unable to answer the question. They were also abrupt and insubordinate.

I called the manager who apologised. Said it was a routine referral, concerns didn't meet the bar and case closed.

Just saying that SS aren't always helpful and sometimes don't appear to give two hoots.

OP needs to tidy up the lad, wash his neck and give him breakfast before leaving home. Give nobody any issues to raise.

beaglescurleduplikebagels · Yesterday 09:47

Midnightmoonface · Yesterday 08:56

I disagree, if the basic visible means of care aren’t met it’s very likely other aspects of care needs aren’t being met either and concern from the school is appropriate.
If you can’t be arsed to wash your child or feed them breakfast you’re unlikely to support their learning at home or do the other things that require more input from parents.
The school is not reporting due to one single thing but lack of breakfast, visibly unwashed, dirty and uncared for teeth and speech and language issues are very much all red flags together.

Yes, this is exactly it.

Everyone is focusing on the "two baths a week" but it's not that - it's everything all put together. A breakfast pastry in isolation is fine, stained teeth being treated by the dentist - again, fine, but put it all together - a child in stained clothes, who is visibly dirty at school and who isn't being fed a proper breakfast, and who doesn't have great teeth - it all builds a picture.

5yo's can't look after themselves - they rely on their parents to keep them clean and cared for.

peppy23 · Yesterday 09:47

hardshoulderr · Yesterday 08:51

@peppy23 whiteboard pens wash off

I’ve no idea what they used then but no amount of washing or vanish or hand sanitizer (tip I saw) removed it.

beaglescurleduplikebagels · Yesterday 09:49

rumplestiltskin88 · Yesterday 09:45

no that’s not what I’m saying and you know it . If you read the history of our posts it’s very clear that’s not what I meant. You said “I mean I can kind of see why “. Why can you “kind of see why” when most children who bathe twice a week are perfectly clean and well presented and don’t smell . 2-3 times at most is what is recommended by dermatology paediatricians . And it’s not like the 90s was Victorian times where all the masses were neglected and stank . Lord how ridiculous

I was a child in the nineties and had a bath everyday - as did my parents and everyone else I knew.

I don't think bathing 2-3 times a week is normal - for you it might be, but as you can see, many people disagree with you. If you're so convinced it's fine, I'm not sure why you're seemingly taking offence with anyone who says otherwise.

rumplestiltskin88 · Yesterday 09:51

beaglescurleduplikebagels · Yesterday 09:49

I was a child in the nineties and had a bath everyday - as did my parents and everyone else I knew.

I don't think bathing 2-3 times a week is normal - for you it might be, but as you can see, many people disagree with you. If you're so convinced it's fine, I'm not sure why you're seemingly taking offence with anyone who says otherwise.

Take it up with the association of dermatology paediatricians if you think it’s so “abnormal”. Frankly I find it abnormal that you have an in depth awareness of the amount of times everyone in your life baths

Clearinguptheclutter · Yesterday 09:58

I think twice a week at 7 for a bath is fine.

Some people naturally dont have great teeth. I am one of those, despite a lot of care and attention over the years .

Some small stains on uniform is fine. Though it's worth keeping an eye out at school sales or on facebook for replacements as you can often get nearly new stuff for free or very cheap.

However I do think that eating a pastry on the way to school is not great. I'd encourage a proper breakfast at home, then brushing teeth before school would be a good habit if possible.

Lotus717 · Yesterday 10:05

I think if his neck is visibly dirty it’s likely his hair/ skin etc doesn’t smell that great which a teacher leaning over a child to help with writing/ reading etc is likely to notice. In my experience unless they have been playing out in muddy conditions it does take a while for ringed dirt to appear on a child’s neck, it seems unlikely it would form over 3 days or so between baths unless you are not washing his hair/ neck every bath time. Regardless of how you feel the perception by people outside your household is that your child is potentially neglected so you need to improve the standard of care.

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