Social referral.. never had this before and absolutely terrified

[Wonderland12]

Speech & language referred to SS apparently school have raised concerns also but not said anything. Allegations are dental neglect and that his teeth “look dirty” - has weak teeth dentist visit today confirmed reduce in sugar but otherwise all dental care perfect brushing by ourselves and no issue with brushing teeth all being done as should. Required some treatment which was given but nothing out of the ordinary or extreme. Dentist said it’s just where he has has previous treatment and stains it looks “dirty” but nothing wrong. He has routine appointments we attend all and he goes to any treatments they plan.

Permanent stain on school clothes - they raised stains or marks on school jumper. Clothes always washed but has got a permanent small stain about 5mm wide on one and a couple of very light pen marks on the other.. they don’t come out I’ve tried.

Says he has a dirty neck sometimes.. he has a bath at least twice a week, usually plays outside school in the mornings before they go in with his friends in the grass on the field & also eats a breakfast pastry on the way to school and he’s not a clean eater. Could be from that but he is bathed and cleaned regularly we are not dirty people!!

Now have to wait for a SS call or visit, absolutely beside myself as he is extremely well cared for the anxiety is horrific thinking people think he might not be cared for when it couldn’t be further from the truth

Is he autistic / sen ?

My son is autistic and when he was little he always looked grubby! No matter how much I bathed him, tried to brush his teeth- absolutely refused and was a battle daily until he was about 9 ( had to have a decaying tooth removed at age 7 ) - brush his hair ( had curly hair , hated being touched so was a battle to brush it , get it cut etc ) . Always getting messy in his clothes . There was nothing more I could have done.

When he was about 7 I split with my partner and there were some issues ( he was the perpetrator) and ss did a visit and spoke to school, purely because police were involved - nothing to do with my care. They visited and were happy that his home life was nice , he was looked after etc - I was highly praised in the report - but , school had said although he was a happy and well loved child he did sometimes look ‘grubby’ . Ss were understanding of this and said school had also said it can be common ( Sen school ) . Nothing was ever done about it as in further investigation because there was no need.

I was beside myself at the time but now I do see that they have to investigate.

For you , and for me in my situation , there were signs of ‘neglect’ ( poor dental hygiene , looking a bit grubby ) but there were reasons - however , sometimes there aren’t reasons and it is more sinister. For all the stressed out parents in this situation who do care for their children there will also be situations where it is uncovered that a child is at risk . I know it’s hard right now but try to keep that in mind - them doing this could mean that somewhere along the line a child is saved and this stress right now means ss are doing their job and hopefully this means that those who DO need help will get it

We can go round and round in circles sbout wether two baths a week is enough or not
For some kids it might
For others especiallty if they are playing out they might need more as they can get hot and sweaty dirt under their finger nails etc.

I do find it funny that it’s only really people who bathe their child once or twice a week that claim children don’t smell and aren’t grubby, which I find odd. If you live with it and it’s your normal you can’t smell it, that doesn’t mean the rest of us don’t.

My DC are bathed every night unless there’s a reason not to, young DC have less ability to wipe than adults, boys have wee dribbles, if they’re playing properly they get dirt on their bodies, their nails, food gets on their faces and necks and often hair.
They are very often visibly dirty by the end of the day and they would absolutely smell if they were bathed every 4th day.

If someone can see that children are dirty from first thing in the morning they clearly aren’t being washed enough, I find it strange that anyone would argue against that.

@Lexibletheflexible
You can have a bath aswell as a shower, not sure if it's mentioned in the page you suggested to google. I'm saying try and do something to relax, it might stop you writing such hurtful things on here.

Nowhere does it say the child has eczema.

If you have an up to date record of dental health appointments that should be most of the issue dealt with.
As a precautionary approach I would suggest that you make sure that your cupboard and fridge are stocked with food and the house is not too messy in case of a social worker visit but it shouldn’t get that far.

TBF, MIL banged on about her DC having a bath every night. Evidently they went to bed clean so no need to change their sheets more than every half term and pants, socks, tops, lasted three days. Minging.

We often missed a night but never to the point of dirty hands, necks, faces or smells and they had clean clothes daily.

People have different standards. I always vowed I'd not be the mum with the kids with snotty noses or who didn't wipe their faces after food- lots of mums used to say 'it's not worth it, they just get dirty again' and I used to think, would you like to go around with snot dangling down and a grubby face?

It's like some people don't change nappies and get their money's worth, I used to change them every time my dd did a wee and only realised that other people weren't doing this after her first year! I still think leaving them to practically fall down is a bit grotty.

If people are mentioning your children are grubby, you need to up washing, it's that simple.

Also, in the past, hygiene standards were different, but if they had access to water, people washed their bits and pits daily. I have a feeling some of these 'twice a week' bath people are not using flannels or doing daily washes of the dirtier areas. What about a face flannel, round the back of the neck, just to keep clean in this sweaty weather? My grandma boiled a kettle and strip washed rather than have a shower, but she did wash. I wash bits and pits daily, even twice a day in the hot weather, and insisted on it when in hospital as well.

My son is neurodiverse (high-functioning), he is primary age and has a shower every morning. I also brushed his teeth myself until very recently, and even now I check after each time he claims to have brushed them (and often go in and do it myself anyway). He does have some plaque build up because he has sensory needs that mean he really struggles with tooth brushing, however he gets a clean at the dentist every few months to keep on top of it.

BTW, besides the obvious reasons for hygiene, neurodiverse children are much more likely to be bullied and there is no way I am giving children any other ammo to be cruel to my son.

😂

thank you! I’ve just had a lovely chuckle at your expense.

Who referred you?
It sounds like someone is very unhappy with you or DS, otherwise why would they refer you?
I had years of work on my teeth- it never caused staining, I would question your dentist about this.
I'm not sure a pastry for breakfast is a good idea , try something at home with some protein like yogurt or a boiled egg.
Try a stain remover on the clothes -pen comes out no problem usually.

Don’t be so silly. 😂😂

DH and teen DS only shower twice a week generally. It really isn’t essential to waste water on unnecessary bathing. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have teenagers too and if they only showered twice a week they would absolutely reek.

Well I only bathed twice a week as a child and my child is the same unless he is grubby etc . One of my parents was an infectious diseases doctor and didn’t have an issue with this . I wasn’t neglected or smelly in any way . Look it up . It’s what is recommended by dermatologists. Honestly such ridiculous posts on this thread .

Truly, other people can tell.

2 showers a week for an adult man and a teen boy is not enough.
You shouldn’t be creating a culture where hygiene is such a low priority in your home.

Gross.

You are only proving my point, you only bath your children every 3-4 days so you can’t actually tell that they smell because it’s your normal. The fact that you were only washed every 4 days as a child only further adds to this, it means you are more used to an unclean child’s smell than a clean child.

People who live in houses that smell can’t smell it themselves either.

It's fascinating to me how many people insist they don't smell after sitting about in their own dirt for days at a time, lol.

Right well you should take it up with paediatric dermatology association then cos that’s what’s recommended by them, the expert group. I’ve never heard anything so ridiculous my children do not small and I do not smell.

2 showers a week for a teenage boy!!! I can only imagine the stench.
We know these people smell, we have to exist in the world with them, get the bus with them, work along side them etc.
It’s unfortunate that a teenager is having to be the smelly one in school because kids can be cruel, but also no one wants to have to sit next to the person smelling of old BO, it could so easily be solved.

It’s fascinating to me how some people just think they are in the right despite all scientific and expert advice being to the contrary . It’s absolutely pathetic that you are trying to tell people they stink just cos they don’t do exactly what you do . As I said I grew up in a household with an infectious diseases consultant as a parent who thought that level of bathing was fine and it is. I absolutely did not stink and was not unhygienic or anything like that . Stop trying to convince people they stink. It’s not the children who bath twice a week who stink . It’s fine to have a bath every day but it’s not abnormal not to when you are a child.

You're very defensive and aggressive for someone who doesn't think their hygiene is a problem.

How often is their clothing washed, OP? And does he have a hair wash every time he has a bath?

Clothes can quickly develop that stale musty smell, ditto hair.

Stains don't matter, obviously.

Exactly. You only need to go into a shop or catch a bus to know that plenty of people absolutely do smell - and badly.