Sorry? What do you mean I have to share my kids with you at Christmas?

[Spiderplantqueen]

This is a bit light hearted but definitely an element of truth to it.

My eldest dd is visiting this Xmas - first time she’s been home in years in that period of time. Her sisters (school age) are very excited. She lives in another country basically on the other side of the planet.

In preparation for this last year I offered ex the chance to have the kids all day last Christmas Day so I could have them all day this year. He said no that he already had plans. That visiting DD was a me problem - not his problem 🥴

Dropped the kids off at 4. The previous year he was supposed to pick them up from mine at 4 but he decided that actually 2pm was better so the kids had to rush their dinner as he was already on his way.

It’s a fucking liberty that I even have to do this - when we separated he didn’t have the kids over night for 2 years because of shit excuses . It was me who stayed solid and just plodded on doing the boring mum things like making sure they had their stuff for school, winter coats, sports clubs, warm home to live in, clean clothes - all the boring stuff that parents are supposed to do - whilst he took them to the odd trampoline park for few hours a weekend.

Now he has a GF and the kids actually have a bed to sleep in we’ve got to share Christmas 🧐

Yes I do have a running tally.

As parents we are not equal so why do we have to do equal Christmas’s? Why can’t it be made on merit?

12 full payments of CSA ✅
Sticking to the divorce stipulations ✅
Paying fair share of uniform & school costs✅

But no it just goes of DNA apparently

Both kids want to stay all day here because their older sister is here. One of them feels guilty - the other doesn’t give a shit.

It’s going to be the hill that I die on.

Bit shit init?

How old are the kids?

Just keep them for the day. Unless there's a court order there's nothing he can do about it.

My answer would be different if the kids wanted to spend Christmas with him or he wasn't a shit father.

If there is no court approved agreement just don’t mention Xmas or be vague and then last minute don’t send them as he won’t have time to get anything legal sorted.
im with you on this for sure- not equal parenting when someone takes what they want of the burden and leaves everything else they don’t want. Yes they are a parent but it’s not equal. FWIW my exH has seen our kids 3/4 times on Xmas day and didn’t bother after that- he’s never had them Xmas morning. That’s definitely MINE 🤣

How old are they?

If he agreed 4 then I wouldn’t have opened the door or rushed.

If they don’t want to go to their dad’s Xmas day get them to tell him what they want - with no COA he can’t do anything about it.

Unless the DCs are mid to late teens it's unreasonable to force them to act as a go-between for their parents.

Like other posters I'm wondering how old the kids are.

Depending on this, keep it about what the kids want and not you having to share them on Christmas Day.

I learned that if I expressed to my ex what my feelings or preference was that he would literally do the opposite just to get one up or hurt me.
Stick to the line that it's what the kids wants/have chosen. He won't like it, but it'll definitely be harder for him to argue with it.

It all comes down to if it is court ordered contact. If not, by all means do what you want, just don't tell him until much closer to the time in case he does take you to court over access. Sneaky, but oh well.

If it is court ordered access, your options are:

1. Breach the court order. If you intend to do this, it could bring more stress in future. Or there may be no consequences whatsoever.
2. Plan Christmas a day early. Do every bit of it on the 24th. Santa if they're that age. Opening presents. The whole dinner, movie or whatever you normally fo on Xmas day. Then the next (25th) day can be a lovely relaxing day for DD and you (I'm assuming eldest DD is not his).

How old are they?
once they become secondary school age with mobile phones just let them deal with him, you don’t have to get involved really. ‘Sorry Dad, I’m staying with mum this year as that’s what I want to do’. He can’t do anything about it.

I think it’s a lot to ask even teenage children to say to a parent they don’t want to be with them at Christmas. Just say to your ex- sorry but as dd is back the children want to see her this Xmas as they don’t usually. You can have them next year. He’ll have to take you to court if he won’t accept that but it would be terrible for him to go against what the children want.

My dds revolting ex refuses to have his children over Xmas unless it falls on 'his' weekend. The irony being he's always 'too ill' ( although bravely rallies for his hobbies) to spend much time with them on his normal weekends and they stay with his parents anyway.
Just one example of the wanker he is but there we go!

Yes my ex is terribly fond of a ‘migraine’

Kids are 10 & 14

No COA

The stupid thing - he will spend the best part of 2 hours on the motor way - then bring them back the next day doing the same.

One year was ridiculous as they literally spent every day going up and down the motor way as it fell on ‘his days’ - they were exhausted

A face time would be ok - I could deal with that

If there’s no court order, then seems like it’s high time this man learned that “I want doesn’t get” and that parents have responsibilities ahead of having rights.

If I’ve understood correctly, you’ve planned over a year ahead to try to be fair to him, but he didn’t want to prioritise his kids over his other plans last year.

Tell him straight - the kids want to spend this Christmas with their sister, it’s a rare opportunity whereas he can see more of them any time of year. He needs to grow up and put his kids ahead of himself.

Just say no then.

Say you mentioned last year that they would be with you all day so they can see DD1. Offer him 26-28th or something, or NY weekend. If he seriously wants to take you to court it will cost him £££ and they would probably decide alternate years anyway for older children

Now you’re being daft - no one, apart from the driver, gets ‘exhausted’ by being in a car!
You just need to tell him. “DCs will be spending Christmas Day with me. I will drop them off at yours at noon on Boxing Day.”

No court order and 10 and 14. Not a leg to stand on.
Which one feels guilty, the 10 or 14 year old.

I agree, don't make them tell him, he'll start guilt tripping them.

I would leave it altogether until closer to the time in case he starts trying to mess with their heads.

Every day during Christmas going up and down a motorway. They may or may not have been exhausted, but certainly drained and miserable.

Just say no, they are spending this Christmas with you and their sister - you informed him of the plan last year and he could have had them then but chose not to. He can make a plan for next year and/or collect them on Boxing Day.

I agree with you; I wouldn’t do it either.
id show them the list of your contributions vs his. I love Christmas so much I’d probably let him take me to court over it. he can have Boxing Day. I think it’s a fair statement to say
‘if you don’t want to stay married to me and stay in our family unit in the family home, you will not be able to participate in our familh Christmas’

honestly I’m sick of pretending that dads who live elsewhere can be ‘good’ dads. It’s a shitty example and call me old fashioned but I think it sets a low bar for what we expect of men in family units. Don’t want to be a dad in the family 100% of the time? I’d say don’t bother at all. I think the message we send to the future generation by saying ‘it’s ok you can see dad every few weeks / every weekend or whatever- don’t worry though he’s still an equal parent and a great dad- you’re so lucky!’ Is such a shit message to send to everyone. It completely reduces child rearing, women’s responsibilities, and the societal expectation of men towards their wives and kids, to nothing.
I appreciate that women need out of abusive and toxic marriages. I also think women are held to insane standards as mothers and we still do not have equality in 2026.

I’d tell him the kids are with you this Xmas, and I wouldn’t engage.

You might not but lots of people definitely do.

I wouldnt just say no if I were you. He doesnt have to contribute to uniform and you dont get to reward him with contact for what you consider to be good behaviour. I'd advise this man to go through court ASAP because you're going to mess him around.

You both didnt manage to sustain your relationship with your co-parent and so now you have to share custody. That's on both of you. Not just him.

Did he leave the OP then?

Was there affordable homes close to the OP that he could live in and pay CM?

Please provide these extra details you seem to have.

Just tell him the kids are staying with you if that’s what they want.

Actually he does have to pay for ALL uniform & school associated costs as that’s what he stipulated in the divorce. That was the agreement.

Yet it’s me that ends up paying for it.