Sorry? What do you mean I have to share my kids with you at Christmas?

[Spiderplantqueen]

This is a bit light hearted but definitely an element of truth to it.

My eldest dd is visiting this Xmas - first time she’s been home in years in that period of time. Her sisters (school age) are very excited. She lives in another country basically on the other side of the planet.

In preparation for this last year I offered ex the chance to have the kids all day last Christmas Day so I could have them all day this year. He said no that he already had plans. That visiting DD was a me problem - not his problem 🥴

Dropped the kids off at 4. The previous year he was supposed to pick them up from mine at 4 but he decided that actually 2pm was better so the kids had to rush their dinner as he was already on his way.

It’s a fucking liberty that I even have to do this - when we separated he didn’t have the kids over night for 2 years because of shit excuses . It was me who stayed solid and just plodded on doing the boring mum things like making sure they had their stuff for school, winter coats, sports clubs, warm home to live in, clean clothes - all the boring stuff that parents are supposed to do - whilst he took them to the odd trampoline park for few hours a weekend.

Now he has a GF and the kids actually have a bed to sleep in we’ve got to share Christmas 🧐

Yes I do have a running tally.

As parents we are not equal so why do we have to do equal Christmas’s? Why can’t it be made on merit?

12 full payments of CSA ✅
Sticking to the divorce stipulations ✅
Paying fair share of uniform & school costs✅

But no it just goes of DNA apparently

Both kids want to stay all day here because their older sister is here. One of them feels guilty - the other doesn’t give a shit.

It’s going to be the hill that I die on.

Bit shit init?

The kids are old enough to decide so just say no. He can go to court if he wants but they will take into account what the kids want anyway.

I disagree. We travelled a lot yesterday and all four if us were exhausted after, despite both children having a nap in the back.

Ten and fourteen are old enough to decide what they want to do tell him to jog on.

Was that where you agreed to share holidays?

Nope. No child agreement what so ever - only focused on financials

Oh good, so he can take his kids whenever he likes for however long he likes as you have no agreement. I'd tell him to take them for the whole of Xmas and NY.

why would she do that?

I said I would not she should

Because she knows fine well he'll run a mile ! He won't want that level of responsibility and expenses.Neither will his new girlfriend.
But - the OP can say " Look ExDH , I gave you the opportunity" 😉

Fine, why would you do that then 🙄

Buy him a romantic weekend away over Christmas for 2 for his early Christmas present from the kids.

Because there is no formal agreement and the OP is happy to exploit this when it works for her so he should, too.

Excuse me, I very much do get exhausted from being in a car on a long journey! As do most people. My 11yr old DD gets headaches from car journeys of more than about 20 mins.

Still doesn’t make sense as OP obviously doesn’t want to give the kids away for Christmas. But if you would then fair enough. Personally I’d tell him his kids don’t want to go this year so they are staying with OP

My ds lived full time with me. Ex would visit him for six hours on a Sunday.

I did everything else. Literally didn’t have a night off the for first five years until ds was reliably dry overnight and could use a knife & fork.

No court order in place so I told ex that ds would spend every Christmas Day with me and ex could collect him on Boxing Day morning and have him for up to 5 days but had to be back with me by NYE lunchtime (ex was a big drinker & untrustworthy).
If he didn’t like it he could take me to court. I knew ex was too lazy to do that and also I could prove to the court that he had never changed a nappy or got up at night. Also ex was too lazy to put up a tree or lights or do fun things for a child or do stockings etc. Ex’s idea of Xmas was a meal and a book 🙄

Plenty of verbal abuse but he didn’t bother going to court, and ds always had lovely Christmases. 😊

Because he only wants to spend time with his kids to play happy families with his new partner!

ask the kids what they want to do and go with that. If he was that bothered about his children, he would have made child care arrangements in the divorce

You circumstances are exceptional with your older daughter coming back - surely if he was a reasonable man he would see that. It’s one year. Stick to your guns if it’s what you younger girls want.

What rubbish.

Kids are old enough to make their own choice they do.not need to be forces to go

Contributions/finances are irrelevant they are his basic duty as a parent. Just say no, kids are with me for Christmas. Ask him when he wants to pick them up on Boxing Day afternoon. Do not budge on this issue. He won't go to court over it.

Would you say that to someone who was abused?
It is often more complex than one is definitely at fault but it isn’t automatically that both are at equal fault. One can really try to fix things and the other not care and walk away.

I don’t disagree that separated parents have to find a way to coparent effectively but a relationship breakdown isn’t always due to both not managing to sustain a relationship. Both have to want it for it to work.

I would say you have to work out sharing the responsibility of raising the children as you both chose to have children together not as you were both at fault for separating.

You have a children with someone they are human beings not bargaining chips

How often does he see the kids now?

Unfortunately what he did a few years ago may not be relevant anymore (no matter how unfair that sounds).

He is right that your DD being home shouldn't mean him missing out on seeing his kids.

I would be really annoyed that he arrived early and would have told him that he'll have to wait in the car for a couple more hours as you guys won't be home until X time (sounds like he planned it this way so he could have more of the day with them).

When you say 2 hours on the motorway - is this a 4 hour round trip or just 2 hour round trip?
The girls travelling an hour on xmas day isn't that big of a deal tbh.

Just tell him no. No court order. He won't fight for one from what you've said. Offer him boxing day and leave it at that.

I would HATE this. We have my Ss 50/50 and it’s a proper 50/50 of everything. Including Christmas which rotates each year. So one year we are Christmas Eve, collect at 10am Christmas Day to mum, then back to us 10am Boxing Day and vice versa depending on whose year it is. For dead beat/ part time dads I do NOT think they should be given equal shares of Christmas when they are rubbish the rest of the year. My friend had a similar ex to yours and she basically told him to stuff it regarding Christmas and if he wouldn’t be fully present the rest of the year, he didn’t get to take the best days of the year off her. So he now has them a couple days from Boxing Day evening or even the day after depending on her plans! I completely agree with her! And not just because she’s my friend.

Stand your ground op.