Sorry? What do you mean I have to share my kids with you at Christmas?

[Spiderplantqueen]

This is a bit light hearted but definitely an element of truth to it.

My eldest dd is visiting this Xmas - first time she’s been home in years in that period of time. Her sisters (school age) are very excited. She lives in another country basically on the other side of the planet.

In preparation for this last year I offered ex the chance to have the kids all day last Christmas Day so I could have them all day this year. He said no that he already had plans. That visiting DD was a me problem - not his problem 🥴

Dropped the kids off at 4. The previous year he was supposed to pick them up from mine at 4 but he decided that actually 2pm was better so the kids had to rush their dinner as he was already on his way.

It’s a fucking liberty that I even have to do this - when we separated he didn’t have the kids over night for 2 years because of shit excuses . It was me who stayed solid and just plodded on doing the boring mum things like making sure they had their stuff for school, winter coats, sports clubs, warm home to live in, clean clothes - all the boring stuff that parents are supposed to do - whilst he took them to the odd trampoline park for few hours a weekend.

Now he has a GF and the kids actually have a bed to sleep in we’ve got to share Christmas 🧐

Yes I do have a running tally.

As parents we are not equal so why do we have to do equal Christmas’s? Why can’t it be made on merit?

12 full payments of CSA ✅
Sticking to the divorce stipulations ✅
Paying fair share of uniform & school costs✅

But no it just goes of DNA apparently

Both kids want to stay all day here because their older sister is here. One of them feels guilty - the other doesn’t give a shit.

It’s going to be the hill that I die on.

Bit shit init?

@Lexibletheflexible
The OP is not exploiting anything. She offered him to have the kids for the whole Christmas Day last year. He couldn’t be bothered.
Now she wants to have them for the day. Nothing wrong with that, it is a pretty standard arrangement to spend every other Christmas with the children post divorce. He can have them next year.

Yes, it is shit. You get to do all the drudgery and hardwork and he expects to get the fun parts.

I agree, he should get Boxing Day.

I'd tell him that then. It's up to the children where they spend Christmas Day.

I have a goodish relationship with my ex. He's great on financials, not so good on time. He needs a social life apparently 🤣 As she has gotten older, she has called him out on lack of contact. Our agreement is we share custody and allow significant time for holidays etc., but not specific days (although due to him being a shift worker, he has two weekends marked as his informally).

Since we've split my child has had every Christmas Day with me, her choice. She also likes St Stephens Day at home. As she was eleven when we split, I think it was reasonable that it was her decision.

I’d tell him the kids want to stay to see their sister who obviously isn’t around much and will be solely at yours by the sounds of it. Is your eldest also his?

He can have them Boxing Day or whatever.

Lots of co-parents do alternate Christmas days rather than sharing the day to save the messing around backwards and forwards - especially if the parents live a long way from each other!

I get that also means you have to not see them for a Christmas Day every other year; and that has its challenges. I suppose you could do share, share, your day, his day, repeat? If you start this process now, with your day, you’ll only miss one Christmas Day before the DC will be old enough to decide what they want!

Can he have them boxing day or let them have a few days with their sister and have fun in the days after xmas

How is she exploiting it? She's been more than fair in planning ahead and offering him last year instead. He has no regard for his children's relationship with their older sister, no regard for planning, turning up two hours early in the middle of their Christmas lunch, and no sense of responsibility in terms of paying for necessities for his children.

Assuming the children are happy with it, OP, I would ignore his wishes totally this Christmas and just make an offer that works for you via email and leave it at that.

Yes that poster doesn’t seem to care what the kids want. Only the ex (who sounds like he barely even cares what the kids want either)

Showed his priorities then didn't he

Anyway just tell him the children want to spend this time with their sister next year he can have them the whole day (in writing) then if he tries court you dont come off as unreasonable (especially as you offered him a full day last year too) I cant see a court being too pressed about a one off also if he does try court get your school uniform money back

I agree. If he went to court they would see that it’s because of the sister and the DC want to see her. If you wrote a letter, I’d also include that you offered him last Christmas and he declined, so you’re now offering next Christmas. I doubt he’ll take it to court, but he’d be unlikely to win if he did.

TBH id say their sister is visiting and he can see them Boxing Day or Xmas Eve. I’d word it in such a way that the sibling relationship with their sister is important - they don’t see each other regularly that it’s in all the siblings best interest yada yada - you aren’t saying no you are offering alternatives. If he wanted to take it to court pretty sure a court would agree with you

Ahhh. Well. If it was me, either me or the kids would come down with something on Xmas eve. A good sickness and diarrhea bug 😇 A mention of someone else passing on to you who you've spent time with a day or two before should be enough to embed the contagious element!

At 10 and 14 with no CAO in place, I’d let them make their own mind up.

I would visit relatives in the afternoon, if you can, so he can’t turn up and cause a scene.

I also wouldn’t let them go on Christmas Eve in case he refuses to handover. I’d arrange to drop them off on Boxing Day morning

A helpful mantra is ‘them before us’. The kids would prefer Christmas together with you and not having to be clock watching and going up and down the motorway. He’s just thinking of what he wants.

Be vague with him for the next few months and let him think he’s got his own way until the day arrives and then tell him the kids are too unwell from all the excitement to travel to his and they’ll visit the following weekend.

Don’t give him a heads up or any chance to go to court beforehand.

Let him be on the back foot for a change!

Sorry ExH, the kids don't want to come to you, they want to spend the time here with their sister. It's out of my hands I'm afraid.

He wouldn’t as he gets a ‘migraine’ and takes to his pit after a day.

However if it was alternative years I’d be happy with that.

Thanks for your input though 😂

Entirely untrue. I am more tired as a passenger on a long journey than I am as a driver. I can get in to a car first thing in the morning and be asleep within 30 minutes as a passenger. The noise, the motion, the dead air, there is a reason people take their kids out in the car to nap. It’s not a nice refreshing nap either.

If they don’t want to go, and their sister is visiting, then he will have to do his ‘Christmas’ on another day. Present it as a fait accompli- no discussion.

No, don’t put it on them. That’s not fair. Just tell him they kids are staying with you and if he wants to see them, he can arrange for a different day.

At 10 and 14 they are old enough to have their wishes taken into account.And they want to spend the day at home with their sister.

Yes. If you think the abusive partner will be an abusive parent, go through the courts and prove that.

No he can fuck off. It sounds shit being ferried around to two houses on Christmas just to validate a man. And fuck every other Christmas. He can have them on boxing day.

I think they are old enough to make their own decision about where they spend Christmas.
Tell him they want to spend it with you and their big sister.

When DC reach 14 court will let them choose.