I need to get over 'girl envy'

[IKnowIambeingmad]

My best friend has just had a girl. She already has a boy. I have two beautiful and healthy ds's but I feel quite envious that she now has a girl(but am v. happy for her too).
I have always wanted girls and both times I was really disappointed.
I know this feeling is stupid and irrational and I should be thankful,but I can't help it.
I do love my boys very much but feel like I'm missing something.
Please give me a slap.

Can I just say Alexander'sMum, I was only devastated at the scan! And even then, only for a couple of days. I quickly accepted that he was a boy. Although I sometimes day dreamed that the sonographer had been wrong, from the second he was born I wouldn't have swapped him for a whole ROW of girls. I love my gorgeous boy now. What I would have missed if I'd had two girls. That's how I feel now, but if I'd had two girls I'd feel 'lucky'.

I think nature is good like that. That's why I would disuade anybody who has a slight preference from finding out in advance.

I have 2 DDs and I must admit, I really wanted girls so I feel incredibly lucky, hence my chatname. When I had DD1 I was absolutely over the moon, then when pg with DD2, we didn't find out her sex until she was born (2 months ago ), when DH told me it was another girl, I couldn't believe my luck....really. People kept asking me when I was pg with DD2 if I had any preference and I said 'no, not really', but secretly I really wanted 2 girls. I only ever told DH and my sister that this was the case.
Our neighbours have 4, yes, 4 boys. She wants a 5th baby. She's denies it's cos she wants a girl, but I do wonder.....she is very girly herself. I almost felt guilty talking to her when DD2 was born!

There's a whole site dedicated to this, American I think, where parents who want one or the other sex talk through their feelings and even try to influence their TTC.
I think whatever you have you wonder what it would be like to have the other, but having seen my cousin go through loosing a baby at 30 weeks brings it all home that really a healthy child is all any of us should hope for.

I have 2 ds aged 11 and 10 and a dd aged 8 months .we are currently ttc again and i am desperate for another girl not to even the family out or anything but just because i love the girliness of it all .

Disappointed in Gender on the American BabyCenter.

I used to read some of the posts when I was pg with my son. But I didn't post, as I had one daughter.

Now that I realise how fantastic it is to have a son, I feel an utter plonker for having wallowed in imagined misery.

But, I was very unhappy in my relationship and I think I subconsciously transfered my anxiety to the wrong place. A friend said that to me and at the time I thought 'excuse me????'. But now I realise she was right.

I love toddler boys now. I've completely changed sides. I'm not having a third but in a parallel universe, if I were happily married I'd want a 3rd dc to be a boy.

cupcakesinthesnow- that is a wonderful post and I wholeheartedly agree, boys are wonderful and they do just melt your heart. I know how lucky I am to have my two boys

I have 2 DSs and 1 DD and I have to say that I feel that boys are definitely less valued by mothers and women in general which I find very sad.

I too always wanted daughters and was slightly disappointed when I had sons, but I soon realised how fabulous they are.

I've been amazed at how many people (usually women) say to me now that I have a daughter - I bet you're SO pleased you have a girl. Or what luck you didn't have three boys.

I think mothers of boys get quite defensive because of this pervasive attitude. And quite often it seems to be based on the fact that you can dress up girls more. Hmmmm.

I'm thrilled to have DD. But would have been thrilled with DS3 as well.

i have two DD's and i always wanted DS's for many reasons, including having RUBBISH relationships with females in my life, and so effectively being terrified of having girls...

Once i had them however, it was LOVE all the way and i wouldnt have changed them for a boy had anyone asked me to.

When i fell pregnant with my third this feb, i of course hoped for a boy again though and this time got my long awaited son, i was so happy i burst out sobbing at the scan, even my husband did.

And now i am living in terror that they might have got it wrong and it will be a girl (as much as i will love it anyways!)

Girls are so not clingy. Yes, it's legitimate to say that you have a preference and honest of you to admit it. Not sure about how to get over it though.

I do have a friend who went through exactly the same feelings after having had two boys and decided to have another DC in a last ditch attempt to have a girl.

She had a third boy....

I've read all with interest as I've got a DS and am pg again. I would like a DD but am hoping I will be just as delighted with a DS (as we won't have a third). It was lovely to read from Mums of just sons who think they're wonderful!
Don't know whether to find out the sex at the scan - any advice from those who did/ didn't find out sex?

Mindingmum, what an odd post.

You sound a bit defensive to me. Are you sure you didn't get sterilised after you had your longed for son?

I think your feelings are perfectly normal! (I'm assuming that some of it is nature's way of keeping us reproducing!)

My friend has 2 boys and has definite girl envy whereas my SIL has 2 girls and has boy envy!

Although I always wanted boys and my boys are scrummy I do confess that I used to feel a little whistful when buying clothes and presents for my nieces!

I find it interesting too how many people are (quite sensibly IMHO) not trying for a child of a certain sex in case they are disappointed, I have a friend with 3 boys who is also in this position.

When DH suggested trying for a 3rd baby I was initally concerned as I knew he wanted a girl but as I really wanted another baby, regardless of sex, we went for it and had DD earlier this year. Although having a girl was the icing on the cake for us I would have been happy with just the cake!

I find it really interesting that so many posts along these lines are from people having boys..

When I found out our current bump was very probably our third girl, I felt a sense of sadness for the boy we would never have (definitely stopping at 3 kids!)

Our first children were twin girls and I remember feeling slightly disappointed that they were both girls - although I wouldn't change them for the world.

I searched through mumsnet and did a brief google at the time to see if other people had felt this sadness and was suprised that very few mums seemed to mind not having a son, but many minded not having a daughter.

I feel sad for DS that he won't get to do the boy things he enjoyed doing so much with his father.

We love our girls to bits and are delighted to be having a third.

I just grew up with 4 brothers and 90% of my cousins are male and I always presumed I'd have boys too.

I think little boys are so cute. I'm not particulary girly so I'm not that bothered about frilly dresses and going to ballet - I never daydreamed either way about doing certain gender specific things with either daughters or sons. And I was definitely the most hellish teenager out of all my siblings as the only girl - really hoping my DD's don't inherit that!

Yes the western world seems to have a bias for girls (although maybe not if this were "Dadsnet!) but I wonder what an Indian or Chinese mumsnet would throw up??

It's a shame that the world has these cultural preferences, they are all just gorgeous innocent babies.

Yes Rosaline very very VERY sure and had the councelling to prove it

I don't think The West has a preference for girls at all. I think Mothers, women, (females!) want a mother/daughter relationship. The Dads probably hope to have at least one son. So as a couple, or as a society, it is about equal I think.

Hi my dh and I have 7 boys between us. He has 2 from his previous I have 2 from my previous and we have 3 together.
When I fell pregnant with our first one together I prayed he would be a girl.
When I fell for the next one and found out he was a boy I was dissapointed for a few seconds.
When our last boy came along we kind of expected it realy.
I lost a baby before ds1 and my Mum cheerfully said 'ah that would probably have been your girl'
I have an Indian friend who has 2 girls and she said I would probablt get a medal if I was asian

I have one of each DS 4 and DD 18 months. I would like to point out the following:

1. My son loves playing with my old doll's house. Often aliens do land on the doll's house roof, but surely this would happen on any self respecting girl's doll's house too?

2. Boy's clothes are nice or boring. Girls' clothes are nice or absolutely hideous. Who honestly wants to wear a purple velour tracksuit with 'princess' written across the back in diamante? It is such a relief to have hand me downs from DS and not be restricted to yucky pink and purple with DD - normal jeans with no embroidery/flowers! hooray!

3. No hair slides have ever stayed in DD's hair for more than a few seconds.

4. " I love the fact they just roll about in mud, climb trees and have complete unabandoned fun. They just seem so genuinely carefree when playing. they don;t care about getting mucky, they just want to explore and have adventures and I just love thet."

• This pretty much describes DD.

5. I will agree that DD is more advanced verbally than DS was at a similar age. I think girls do generally have a head start on communicating and this does initially make them easier to deal with. However, I know plenty of boys who don't follow this stereotype. By the time they are young adults, this will have evened out.

I do understand that people have a preference, and that is fine. However I think that most of the things that people think are boyish/girlish traits are just cultural stereotypes and having nothing to do with the little person you will give birth to. I can't help thinking that people who want daughters who can do ballet or sons to play football are missing out, and so are their children.

Excellent post, MadamePlatypus.

I do understand the OP's feelings, I really do, but at the same time am of the "just be thankful it's a baby" camp (even, though with no experience of having a sick baby) "just be thankful it's a baby at all" camp.

My DD was stillborn at full term, and I went on quite quickly to have a lovely DS whom I adore and delight in.

When I lost my DD it was the revolting and loathesome pink plastic crap that I sobbed over the most. Anyone can have an imaginary DD in immaculate little pink (but completely non-nylon non-hookerish) dresses, with lovely hair ribbons, beautiful manners and adorable patent leather shoes. The reality is there will be a whole load of foul pink feather boas, Disney Princess and the like.

But I'd still like to experience it even though now all that stuff is slightly offputting to me - and I'm crap at the girly stuff too and have no fashion sense or ability to do hair.

Sorry, rambling utterly.

My 'girl envy' has nothing to do with the ballet lessons & cute little pink dresses. Its the female relationship which I'm sad I wont have. My DH also has a grown up son from his first marriage who loves his mum to bits - but its DH who he talks to and has the stronger link with. I am very very close to my sons and Im very hopeful that it will continue like that - but even then I still think there is a difference between an adult sons relationship with his mum and a daughters. Obviously there are exceptions - but in the people I know the mothers of daughters tend to spend more time with and are closer to a married couple.

So for me its not about childhood - its about teenagers upwards. x

mrsgboring - sorry my post crossed with yours. Didnt want it tlook like Id ignored what you said.

Im so so sorry to hear about your daughter x

And just to repeat what i said earlier - I am firmly in the "just be thankful it's a baby at all" camp after being told at 18 that i may never have children - and then going through ICSI and IVF to have my two little miracles.

I am truly thankful every day - and still melt countless times when I get those sticky hugs & kisses.

But this is just a separate feeling.

Believe me - I know what its like to sit in that fertility clinic waiting room just praying for a miracle.

And this just doesnt compare.

But its still there x

Kizzi I totally agree, that's what gives me girl envy too, the lost adult relationship with a daughter. To be honest all the pink dresses, bows etc do nothing for me, it's the thought of not having a daughter to share all the "women's" stuff with when she's older. I too am extremely close to my boys (my little one is nearly one, so it's difficult to say as yet) and I really hope to have a close relationship with them as they grow up, but I'm sure it would be different with a daughter - I'd "get" a lot of the things she'd be worried about etc, but perhaps I won't with my sons... What I really want to know though, is how to get over this awful stupid feeling of missing out?