I need to get over 'girl envy'

[IKnowIambeingmad]

My best friend has just had a girl. She already has a boy. I have two beautiful and healthy ds's but I feel quite envious that she now has a girl(but am v. happy for her too).
I have always wanted girls and both times I was really disappointed.
I know this feeling is stupid and irrational and I should be thankful,but I can't help it.
I do love my boys very much but feel like I'm missing something.
Please give me a slap.

fair enough

I have 2 friends who have 2 DS's each - I have 1 DD and am due any day now with another DD. I NEVER make gender related comments to them about their children because children and teenagers and adults are their own people - there is far more to who you are as a person than just your gender. Surely your upbringing and your is far more important.

But.....the sometimes downright nasty sideways comments I've had off them about teenage years and how I'm in for a nightmare and so therefore ha ha ha we're so glad we got boys makes me sick. I'm like...oh yeah aren't you lucky, I've never heard of a badly behaved teenage boy before all girls are nasty bitches, thanks for that! You Bitch!!!!

I agree lulumama. Unbelievable generalisations from ADULTS.

It was boys who were horrible to me at school. Not girls.

That wasn't relevant to anything other than we all have different experiences.

i agree. and it is good to accept our own persoanl experiences might well inform how we feel about girls/ boys and to take that in hand..

just got to be aware that entire genders are not labelled as one thing or another.

not just saying that wrt to minimou, just everytime there is a thread like this, the 'all girls are bitchy' line gets thrown in somewhere by someone.

IME I haven't found many little girls to be bitchy, nor indeed many adult women. But then I do think I live in my own little world perhaps!

Girl envy here too.

I have twin DS born as a result of IVF and Im not able to have anymore (even with fertility treatment.)

So i am grateful every day for my boys because I know that I could so easily not have them.

My boys are gorgeous. Very very handsome (nothing to do with me - all down to DH ), bright, sporty, funny etc etc. and I wouldnt swap them for the world. But I have never got over the fact that i feel a loss re. the daughter I'll never had.

I couldnt care less about the potential hormonal fits, or the fact that a daughter might not be girly. I have friendships with so many different women who are all very different in their own way. And would just love to nurture, support, encourage a girl, whatever her personality.

AlexanderPandasmum - I am so very sorry for your loss. But these feelings are not on an intellectual basis. Of course Ive said to myself how luck I am to have had my boys. (particularly given how difficult it was to have them.) And I feel absolutely blessed that they are healthy. But this is a 'feeling' I cant necessarily rationalise and for ages I criticised myself for it. But now I realise that its just 'there' and Im not a bad person for feeling this way.

The thing that changed it for me was talking to my lovely gran. She had three sons and it was a standing family joke about how obsessed she was with them. Her boys could never do anything wrong and she worshipped them. But one day we were just sat together and she said 'you know I would have loved a daughter. My lads were thr best in the world but there was also something missing without a girl.' All of a sudden I felt ok about my feelings. There is no-one who could have a better mum to her boys than my gran - yet she had felt the same as me throughout her life.

Sorry you've hit a bit of a nerve with me so sorry to have banged on so long!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kizziex

Just for the record, I never, in RL, make gender-related comments about or to children either, knocked up, believe it or not....i'd be steaming on your behalf if i were present for these smug teenage years comments
I'm quite well aware that my opinions on this subject ARE coloured by by experiences, and so aren't "fair", or all that objective, and i'm aware that they are pretty much my prob, hence the mixed feelings, as i just hope i don't worry too much in the future.
this "bitchiness" is learned, not innate, behaviour, and so i hope that i can, if #2 is a girl, steer her away from i all.
it's a very confused, emotive issue for me, as i'm sure it is for many, and part of my apprehension about having a girl is the inevitable "working through ishoos at warp speed" thing that will no doubt happen.

Alexanderpanders mum - I am one of those people who described myself as possibly being devastated if dd had been a boy and I am not ashamed to say it its just the way I felt at the time. Thats not to say I wouldnt have fallen in love instantly with a baby boy had it been the other way round ( but i can only really say that after having a boy second timne round) My first pregnancy ended up in miscarriage so i knew how lucky i was to be pregnant again, but it was an urge that came from nowhere and was uncontrollable that I wanted to have a girl, I cant explain it any other way (not that I have to I know)
When it came to my second pregnancy it took almost two years to conceive and during that time i swung between wanting (but not as obsessively) a boy and then a girl, and after a year I just hoped i'd have another a baby in my life and would be happy with either. I'm trying for number 3 now and really dont mind what I have if indeed I am lucky to have another.

i only want boys. No secret about it either. Have 2 ds already and obviously if this next one is a girl I'll still be happy but I like my boys and don't know how I'd get on with girls.

Thanks to people who acknowledged my post. I can understand that some people have special circumstances that I may not know about, but I still wouldn't agree that using devastated is at all appropriate when referring to the birth of a child that is alive and well but just happens to have the wrong gender. I do appreciate that people do have some feeling or preference one way or another, but can you imagine how you would have felt had things ended tragically and your baby hadn't arrived safely?

There are many things that leave people devastated - an earthquake, a death in the family, a marriage break-up - but the birth of a perfectly healthy baby?!

I appreciate that I might get criticism for posting this but it is my opinion and yes it is coloured heavily by the fact that I SHOULD have a DS1 and DS2 with me and I would give anything to be able to type on Mumsnet about how I would have preferred DDs and not have to feel such gratitude that DS2 arrived here safe and well, albeit prematurely. I would really love to be thinking about 'next time' and just be able to assume it will go well and be hoping for a DD this time.

Right I'll go now .

I'm very sorry that you lost your baby AlexanderPandasmum. I can see why the "devastated" comments would grate.

I haven't read this post all through but just wanted to tell you my experience

I had always wanted a large family (ideally 6 DC's) but only wanted girls. I had 4 DD's and really, truly believed that God would allow me to carry on having girls because a) I wanted them and b) the thought of having a boy was too awful to bear.

My 5th child was a boy - gutted!

So much so I was sterilised

I would never , ever pass judgement on someone who definately preferred one sex over another

I have 2 gorgeous boys. Oldest is 6 years, youngest is 18 months. Everyone asks me "don't you want another, wouldn't it be nice to have a girl". I reply "no, I don't want anymore. I am very happy with my 2 boys". They are the best things in the world, just perfect. They are always on the go, so much fun and they love mummy very much. My boys are so loving and not just with me, but with others.
I don't feel like I am missing out on anything just because I don't have a daughter. A child is a child no matter what sex. You get out what you put in[wink)

I have 2 DSs and 2 DDs and lost 2 DDs (one stillborn at 23wks and one born prem at 21wks). I can agree with the comments about it being hard to read the word devastated regarding the birth of a healthy baby, after going through the horror of late losses. But, that said, I have friends who were desperate for girls or boys. I didn't care with my first 2 DDs but after having DDs first began to think I had the best deal as I so enjoyed them. I also have no brothers etc and have a great relationship with my mum, I always heard people say that boys don't bother with their mums when they grow up.

I also used to feel 'abit sorry' for people with boys and only saw rowdy boys out and about. However, when I had my own boys, I was so besotted with them! I now see what I was 'missing' and can truly say boys are every bit as fab and fun as girls. I think if I had boys first, I would have thought they were 'the best' too. I feel lucky to have both but also think I would have been fine with loads of boys or girls. Either way I treasure my kids as I know how amazing they are and how lucky I am.

I only ever wanted boys. There is something about little boys that I just adore and melts my heart. I was thrilled when I had ds1. I would have been thrilled had he been a girl I am sure. When I was pregnant the second time I 'knew' it was another boy. I was in total denial that it might be a girl. I had one gorgeous, wonderful baby boy and longed for another. I would have fainted had it been a girl but it was a boy (good job as only had boys name both times).

I dont know why I wanted boys. IMO they are just so cute in a kind of natural, unassuming way. I love the fact they just roll about in mud, climb trees and have complete unabandoned fun. They just seem so genuinely carefree when playing. they don;t care about getting mucky, they just want to explore and have adventures and I just love thet. But at the end of the day they are sweet, sensitive, caring little things who are to some extent expected to put on a brave face in many situations from a very early age where girls are 'allowed' to act more vunerable and emotional. I thnk that is why when I see a little boy cry from falling over or whatever my heart melts and I feel protective in a way I dont when the same happens to a girl.

I always wanted another baby boy but i admit I consider myself lucky to have two healthy happy boys and if I am totally hoinest, I don;t want to risk upsetting the status quo if a third were girl. I just feel I am too geared towards boys and although i fully know that girls can get mucky and have fun etc etc, I just totally love boys and feel it would be unfair to try and conceive again knowing that in my heart I want another boy. I would only try and conceive again if I was sure I wanted another child regardless of sex and I can't in all honesty say that for the moment and probably never will.

and now mindingmmum?

what an odd post
did oyu have him adopted then?

ButterflyMcQueen - and now my family is complete. The harmony in the house is lovely . My son adores his sisters and they spoil him rotten.

He is gentle, kind and more thoughtful than his sisters ever were so although if I could turn back time, I would have stuck with 4 DD's, the situation has turned out well

Having read through the last few messages, I think the only thing to take from it is that everybody is different/wants different things out of life - some will be happy with 2 boys, some will be "devastated". It all depends on your experiences and the kind of person you are as to how you deal with what you get. I'm naturally a negative person and had a dreadful relationship with my mum, so really wanted a girl to try and right that wrong. I ended up with 2 beautiful dss, who I adore, but I definitely feel the loss of not having a daughter, not so much for the little girl thing, but more for when she's grown up. So many of my friends seem to have brilliant relationships with their mums and I'd really like to have that with a daughter (of course I know this is not always the case). I personally think that if a woman really wants a daughter and doesn't have one she'll always have that empty space in her life that can't get filled with anything else. Sorry, seem to have got all philosophical here

cupcakesinthesnow - lovely post

been thinking abot this thread since yesterday, and i think i've pulled something out of the mad tangle......
i think some of my worry is based on the fact that i feel i might let a daughter down emotionally somehow, as i'm just not desperately feminine
althiogh i'm hoping that if i do have a girl, i'd just throw all this nonsense out of the window and deal with her on an individual basis (iyswim).

I desperately wanted a girl first time round because my idea of hell was two dss - it's what my mil has and she seems to have missed out on so much cosiness and closeness with two big sons who just say "yeah yeah mum" and peck her on the cheek, never call her for a chat etc. I have a pretty good relationship with my mum and would have hated not to have a chance to replicate it. My immediate feeling on meeting dd was thank god, I can have either next time and it won't matter
However, I did secretly hope for a ds second time, so I could experience both sexes and also because that's the pattern in my family and I guess I wanted to replicate it.
Of course I had a dd. I was far from devastated, was very pleased but I've decided I won't go for a third because next time round I would REALLY want a ds and that's not a good state of mind to bring another child into the world, even though I know I'd love a dd once she arrived
BTW my dds are feisty, rough, boisterous, usually filthy and pretty hard work, so much for the fantasy of decorous little daughters. I'm glad their like that, just saying for those who imagine it'll be like that they're people in the end, above being girls

Three DDs here and I DS and that is just what I wanted.
I love having 3 daughters,even though they are much harder work than my lovely son!
For me,it is all the 'girly' associated things, like ballet,brownies,hair,makeup,shopping...my 2 elder daughters love all this and I am sure the youngest one will too.
I am not at all sporty and unfortunately DS is,so I leave that to DH whilst I do the girly stuff with the girls.
Also,as someone else posted I remember my paternal grandmother,the mother of 3 adored sons,always telling me how much she had longed for a daughter.Ironically she now has more female great grandchildren than male,which she would have adored.
But...in our experience,teenage girls(i.e.DD1) are a nightmare!
She takes clothes,makeup,hair stuff etc.
I am a paediatric nurse and once did a course wher ewe were told that teenage girls on average argue with their mothers one a day,and boys once a fortnight!
So....cherish those boys!